That's not OfficeXP... (813 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.53 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dr. Robert Hand (View user info) at 2005-11-02 19:00:34 EST
Computer failures always lead me towards disappointing discoveries. I usually discover that I've been neglecting my code backups for too long. I always discover that my life revolves around the thing far too much. However, it isn't often that one causes significant emotional distress for the rest of my days. This one did, and it wasn't even my computer.
My girlfriend's laptop finally decided that it was sick of being subservient; it wanted a nice, long slumber. Sparing the boring details of a computer on its deathbed, I will simply say we obtained another for her. My job, of course, is to set it up and configure it for her. Easy stuff.
The first piece of feedback I receive is negative; she can't open Excel files. I don't use the standard Microsoft Office tools, so didn't even think to install them. In fact, as I discovered, I don't even have Office on CD. This is not a problem, as most of my friends know I am half Scottish, half Pirate.
Open eMule, queue up four different OfficeXP downloads... easy stuff. I was a bit surprised when, six hours later, all four downloads had completed; usually this sort of thing would take a day or more.
Skeptical, I open the first .zip file. Everything appears to be in order, so I burn a CD with the data and attempt to install. Everything goes smoothly, I delete the burned .zip file, and I promptly forget about the other three OfficeXP .zip files I downloaded.
The following day, I remember the rest of my booty and start to check it out. I attempt to open the first .zip file, and am politely told that it is, in fact, not a valid archive file. After only a brief moment of confusion, one of those little cartoon light bulbs starts flickering over my head. I've read about this!
I quickly rename the file to an .mpeg extension and open it. Yup... porn. Decent size and quality, of French origin, this one has all the desired scenes: the "My naked friend and I just stopped by to say 'Hello'" scene, the "Guys painted up as the Devil with women on leashes" scene, even the "Very old woman gobbling up a surprised, yet pleased young man" scene. All in all, fairly decent stuff. Many hours of jacking off ensue.
Afterwards, I haven't quite had enough, so move on to the second .zip file. Same thing here; invalid archive file, but very valid movie file. This one, however, is very small and of terrible quality. The entire screen is grey with indiscernible shadows of darker grey. I can't even tell what I am looking at. After about 20 seconds of this, I decide it isn't worth the bother and move on.
The third file, once renamed, opens into a full screen, high resolution shot of a very shapely white chick sitting at a computer managing her own porn website. Classy. Cue hand down panties. Cue huge black gardener watching through the window. Cue an hour of messy fucking. Very nice. Many hours of jacking off ensue.
After this, I was pretty well satiated, and decided to call it a night (even though at this point it is usually called a morning). I didn't go back and check out that second movie until the next day. I really wish I went with my initial instinct and didn't bother; I would be a much happier man today. However, stumbling upon porn like this is a very special thing. Porn is so easy on the internet that finding it is usually... just expected. But when you think you are getting something as boring as Microsoft OfficeXP and... *OOPS* Porn! That's like Christmas.
So, naturally, the next day I have to see what's up with that mysterious second movie. I am greeted by the same low quality grey picture, but this time I skip forward a few minutes. At this point, the shot seems to have slowly zoomed out to the point where I can determine what I am viewing: a shaved twat. Ok, I'm not a fan of the shaved thing but whatever, right? This is obviously amateur and moving very slowly, so I have to skip ahead another few minutes because nothing is happening; that twat is just sitting there smiling for the camera.
The next skip reveals the owner of said twat, lying on her back with her head out of the picture. A floating hand is extended into the frame from the other side, holding a huge dildo. In fact, the hand itself is huge. It looks like an Austrian giant diddling around with a Japanese bunny. Other than the strange proportions, it seems I am watching the usual fair of shitty amateur porn.
The next skip sucks the air from my lungs and the blood from my cock. Now it is a man lying on his back with his head out of frame. Huddled around his dick are two little boys and one little girl, ages 5-8. They are gathered around the man's bits like three kids playing with a little kitten in the yard. One boy laughs as he pulls on the man's cock. The other boy laughs back, grasping at it like he wants his turn with the legos. The girl just giggles and watches with one hand calmly underneath the man's balls. The children are naked save for tight white underpants.
It honestly took about ten seconds of this before I regained control of my body and mind. I literally spilled my Coke all over my keyboard in my haste to close the window and delete the file.
The concept of child porn is always out there. I'm sure we've all seen websites whose models cause one to think "now, come on, she can't be 18 years old." My mind never allowed me to fully realize the visual of true *CHILD* porn. It actually hurt. I couldn't jerk off for days, and even now hardly a day passes in which I don't shudder from the memory of that sight.
I was hoping writing about it would help a bit; it hasn't.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-15 14:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wondered what I did with that video.
It was well shot, wasn't it? I pride myself on maintaining only the highest quality of work.
Don't worry, those kids were well fed and well paid.
Who wouldn't take payment in gummi bears?
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-04-15 14:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm lost
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so why didn't you turn it in to someone who'd know what to do?
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
What I wouldn't give for 5 minutes alone with a child pornographer, a length of piano wire and an angle grinder.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't it ironic there's no other word for Thesaurus?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It took me about a minute to realize the connection between the twat in question being "shaved" and the scenes that followed.
I dunno, man. I just don't know.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good funny story that ended in tragedy.
Great post... you should definately report that shit. I hate those people with a passion i can't even put into words.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Are you sure one of the kids wasn't Gary Coleman?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first post.
So, if finding porn when looking for Office is like Christmas, this was like finding out Santa Claus is Gary Glitter?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
As a father, the whole concept of child porn makes me angry and sick. I could easily slit that man's throat with a rusty lawn mower blade.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-03 10:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF? I just can't get my mind around it. I've been around kids several times in my life but i've never thought to myself "MMmmmm, I'd like to get me some of dat." Sick-o's.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What I wouldn't give for 5 minutes alone with a child pornographer, a length of piano wire and an angle grinder.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-03 04:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
turn it in here:
http://216.220.97.17/
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-02 23:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anonymously tip off... I can't remember who handles that kind of shit, but I'm sure you can find out. It's just the right thing to do.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-02 22:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick shit holmes, +2 for immediately deleting it.
Submitted by RobertHand (user info) at 2005-11-02 21:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
> You really should think about informing the police (even anonymously).
Are you serious? I want as much distance between myself and this as possible.
> How are you getting around the activation of officeXP?
The one I installed was cracked and/or had the regId on a text file on the disk itself.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-11-02 21:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my sympathy. You really should think about informing the police (even anonymously).
How are you getting around the activation of officeXP?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-02 20:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is some fucking sick-ass shit, dude.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 20:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's gross.
ON a sidenote, I love the "shaved" poontang. As a matter of fact, I won't touch that shit unless it's shaved. I keep a 12 pack of disposables in the shower for the occasion that her shit looks like a forrest.
Ref. http://www.ubersite.com/m/76048 it works both ways ladies.
I ususlly break the uncomfortable silence with a "I'm not going anywhere near that thing until I can find the labia" line.
It works wonders.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-11-02 20:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA, that is fucked up man.
I can't believe people actually get turned on by child pornography. Repulsive.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good first post. here's a +2 in hopes that you'll become one o the good ones.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rofl
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, I guess. Maybe a switch to past tense...?
Submitted by ab363 (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. That sucks. I don't know what to say.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:07:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
turn it in to the police.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-02 19:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
turn it in to the police.