How to Live in Debt (798 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <sizzlemctwizzle.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-02 23:39:38 EST
Entertainment Speech-If you steal it; I'll kill you
How to Live in Debt:
An Instructional Guide to Escape Ever Having to Pay For Anything
Now, I don't know about you but I don't like to pay for anything, but in the world we live in nowadays is it really possible to escape ever having to pay for anything? I'm sure everyone has asked their self this question; I ask myself this question everyday when I go to my stupid job. Well I have painstakingly found a plan to be the world's best cheapskate. According to my interview with Warren Buffet, which he picked an old lady's pocket during, a cheapskate is a person who lives like a wealthy person, but doesn't actually have the money to pay for this kind of lifestyle; so they cheat in order to get what they want. Warren Buffet also states that he has been living the cheapskate lifestyle his entire life. Living like a king is what life is all about, so today I will summarize the three step plan into putting yourself in massive paralyzing debt and succeed at life.
The first step into living a pay free life is to start young. Parents should teach their kids how to stock money in the stock market. The stock market is the biggest cheapskate tool; I mean come on, you can make money without ever having to work. Parents must teach their children how to recognize what companies have good potential. Take them to Starbucks and play a game of CEO hide and seek. Hide yourself from the CEOs so they don't see you looking a their confidential company information, and seek or look for insider information in their stacks of financial papers and on their computer when they get up to go to the restroom, and once again hide when they return. Teach them how to sneak into movies and baseball games without ever having to pay. These are some skills that will become very valuable when they become adults.
There are many small things parents can teach their children in order to save and make money. One of these is what I like to call the search and grab, in which, a child searches in a water fountain for spare change and grabs it out of the water. The winner is the child that has the most money before the fountain has no more change. Believe it or not you can collect hundreds of dollars in most water fountains, like the ones found in parks. Parents can also teach their children to use their cuteness in order to get other adults to give them money, but some children are too ugly to obtain the sympathy needed to get people to give them money. In this case you can teach this child ways they can use their ugliness to get people's sympathy. For instance, Darlene on Roseanne; according to Nick At Nite.com child actor Sara Gilbert was so ugly they would have to change the camera ever hour. I don't think this picture emphasizes how hideous she really is, so here's another. So how did she get on the show, well she looked so homicidal the casting crew was afraid she would go insane and kill them all. And this brings us to the second way you can get people to give you things you want, fear. Like when a bully gets kids to give him money. He's not covering his insecurities with hatred; he's just being innovative.
The second step to becoming the world greatest cheapskate is to make money without working. Well how do you do this? One word can summarize this ingenious idea. Gamble. That's right the easiest way to make money is gambling. Now I know what you're thinking, but gambling is can become addiction. That's just what they want you to think, so you don't gamble and can keep all the money for themselves. In a book by Grey Davis, I think that's the author's name or maybe David Letterman or something like that. Well somebody wrote Games, Gods and Gambling, he explains that only losers lose at gambling, hence the name loser. So quit being a loser and start winning.
So now you know you need to start winning, but how? Well the best way is to start playing poker. It's a very simple fun game. The first step to becoming a poker master is to find a victim. You need to find stupid people who you can trick into playing poker with you. Ask people who look stupid if they want to go play poker later tonight at your house. If they say, "I've never played poker before," you've got your man, or women, but I don't like to hustle girls, because I'm a gentleman. Second, well I really don't have a second step so lets skip to the third. Third, step up mirrors all over the walls of the place where you're going to have your little fake poker tournament. If they asked why you kitchen looks like a house of mirrors, just tell them you're conceited and have to look at yourself every ten seconds, which will explain why you're looking in the mirrors to see what kind of hand they were dealt. If you can, try to play at a glass table and place a mirror on the floor, incase they keep their hand down like on TV. Winning is pretty explanatory. If your victims realize you're cheating, well then you need to get more stupid victims.
The third and final step to living like a king is to get things that for free so you can save your money for getting more money. The easiest way to get things for free is to use a credit card, I mean come on; you can buy things without having any money. But don't make the mistake that most Americans make. Don't use your own credit card, steal one. Master the skillful art of pick pocketing and start collecting credit cards. Most people don't sign the back of their card so sign your name, and even if the back is signed no one ever checks. Vary which cards you use, so it doesn't look suspicious to their owners, and for large purchases use more than one card. Now you have free money. Isn't that the American Dream, being able to have something with nothing? Or maybe that's just the Cheapskate Dream. Buy everything with credit cards. Pay off your credit cards with other credit cards.
So now you have money to buy things that you want. But now you want somewhere to live. Just find people who are going on vacation and live in their house when they're gone. Eat out of their refrigerator it's free and they're not using it. You can even live in their house when they're there, just become nocturnal. Live in the basement. They won't notice some shadowy figure in their basement that emerges at night to raid the fridge; they'll just think their house is haunted. For instance, if you hear a bang in your house when you're alone, its not a ghosts, the just the cheapskate in your basement just tripped over something in the dark, unless you are the cheapskate in which case, you need to get the heck out of there. You could also just go to Louisiana and live in one of the houses that were evacuated. You could even live in a house that's for sale.
The final way to get things for free is to use one of America's biggest cheapskate tools, the Rent A Center. In a November 10, 2005 article Dick Cheney states that the Rent A Center is a store that you can pay a small amount to rent furniture, appliances, computers, and electronics. Cheney also states that everything he everything owns comes from the Rent A Center. But the "key" to getting things for free is not returning the rented items when they're due. When you don't return them they call you, so don't provide your real phone number. Next they'll try to stake out your house, so don't give your real address. Actually don't give them any real information, including you name, and in the rare chance that they manage to hunt you down, running from the Rent A Center people is like running from the law. Have a neighbor you can call to borrow their car to leave town for a while and lay low, and always have an entrance you can sneak out of your house unnoticed. And remember; never under any circumstances give their stuff back, because then Rent A Center will start expecting the rest of us to return their stuff. Rent A Center gave Cheney a series of heart attacks just to slow him down enough so they could catch him, he is now being tried in Rent A Center court and if he is convicted he will never be allowed to rent anything again.
Now I have summarized the three-step plan to living life to the fullest and never having to pay for anything. If you don't think this is the way to live your life, than you're wrong. Warren Buffet, Second Richest Man in the World and owner of Nebraska Furniture Mart, so he can get free couches, says the only reason he's not the richest man in world is because Bill Gates is an honest worker. So follow my steps to become the Second Richest Man in the World.
User Reviews
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-15 08:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
only losers lose at gambling, hence the name loser. So quit being a loser and start winning.
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I grinned.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-15 08:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:14:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd say you're the Second Biggest Cocksucker in the World
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hahah jonny hit this head on back in the day.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-15 20:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Twizzleperson, please take a hint: this is the fourth time you have
posted the same story, counting rewrites. Try something new. If a post
gets no reviews, let it die.
Listen to your teachers. They can show you where you go wrong in your
writing, if they are worth a shit. You seem to be young and in need of
praise, but Uber will whip you into a whimpering mass of fear if you
listen to the assholes here. Talk to your teachers and keep trying.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 14:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sizzlemctwizzle (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:08:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks alot Buddah, you're the only person I've met on this site that's decent. I had my teacher edit it today and I'm working on revising it.
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Does only person on here that is decent = only person that blew sunshine up your ass?
Me thinkith so...sorry but I've read better pieces of literature on the bathroom stalls........at motherfucking Burger King
Submitted by sizzlemctwizzle (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks alot Buddah, you're the only person I've met on this site that's decent. I had my teacher edit it today and I'm working on revising it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The content was OK and entertaining. It could use a heap of editing.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd say you're the Second Biggest Cocksucker in the World
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:56:02 (#)
Ranking: -1
There you go, this is my Entertainment Speech for compitition. Tell me what you think. What do you think I should cut?
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Cut all of it, and replace it with the lyrics of a Metallica song. Your teacher'll never know the difference. It'll better approximate proper English grammar and spelling, and bonus: it'll suck marginally less.
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BUAHAHAHAHAH!!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2005-11-03 10:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell me what you think. What do you think I should cut?
Your throat?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
There you go, this is my Entertainment Speech for compitition. Tell me what you think. What do you think I should cut?
--------------------
Cut all of it, and replace it with the lyrics of a Metallica song. Your teacher'll never know the difference. It'll better approximate proper English grammar and spelling, and bonus: it'll suck marginally less.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Last time I checked the richest list looked like this;
1)Owner Of Ikea
2)Bill Gates
3)Sultan of Brunei
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how can you enter this under the humour category?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-03 03:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
English isn't your first language, is it?
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I could only read the first sentence of each paragraph. Sorry, I have a short attention span.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I did original oratory for 4 years of competitive speech.
you suck at this
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-11-02 23:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
once again hide when they return
native english speakers say
hide once again when they return
wtf??
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-11-02 23:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i got this far:
According to my interview with Warren Buffet, which he picked an old lady's pocket during
when i read idiotic turn of phrase i know its going to be painful.
i might read the whole thing
CHANGE it to: during which he picked an old lady's pocket.
how old are you?
Submitted by sizzlemctwizzle (user info) at 2005-11-02 23:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There you go, this is my Entertainment Speech for compitition. Tell me what you think. What do you think I should cut?