My Landlady has huge nipples. (5485 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-03 00:40:36 EST
It was with relief I got the news that there was nothing more we could do with this job until the rest of the components arrived. We had been working in this shithole more then a week and it was bloody hot. The boss had now decided there was nothing more we could do so we might as well go home until the parts arrived, so I had a decision to make. The drive home took 4 hours, which I could undertake now or stay here tonight and leave in the morning.
Getting back to my room I decided to pack a bag, shower and drive through the cool night. If I left tomorrow the drive would be hot and uncomfortable and if I left soon id be home a little after midnight and driving in the cool night air would be better then driving in the stifling heat of tomorrow.
A friend of mine and I had moved into the little two bedroom unit we shared a couple of months ago. It was a small unit block of four apartments, one of which the owner lived in. Kevin worked in town and I worked all over and really didn't spend much time at the unit but Kevin was trust worthy and it was somewhere for me to keep all my belongings and somewhere to go that I could call home.
The owner was an over weight widowed woman whom I found to be a little too friendly. She was I guessed in her late forties and only had the unit block as an income as she didn't work and the lack of repairs carried out on the units suggested she lived on meagre means. The lock on the bathroom door had been faulty for some weeks now and she still hadn't had it repaired. We found out the lock was faulty after Kevin was locked in the bathroom one night and couldn't get out. I had to unlatch it with a butter knife, so we hadn't closed the door since in fear of being locked in again.
I hated the bathroom in this unit anyways I thought to myself as I parked the car in the garage. Who in their right mind would build units and put the toilet and shower in the same room?
Jumping out of the car I grabbed my bag and headed for the stairway that would take me up to our unit. Kevin would be sleeping so I slipped inside quietly and crept up the hall into my bedroom where I stripped and slipped into bed. I was so tired that it didn't take long to fall asleep.
Kevin's car starting the following morning woke me and I rolled onto my back sighing as I listened to his car drive off up the driveway. He had a big four-wheel drive that didn't fit in the garage and not having had to go into the garage to get into his car he wouldn't have seen my car and known that I was home.
I wanted to sleep some more but I needed to pee so I climbed out of bed and padded into the bathroom to relieve myself. I stood there in my underpants and just started peeing when I heard the bathroom door shut. Startled I turned around and my landlady's eyes and mine, met at the same time, that's when I realised she was naked.
"What the fuck was my landlady doing naked in my bathroom?" I thought, just as she turned back toward the door with a look of horror on her face, after recognising me. I watched her twist the doorknob furiously to escape as my mind went into a spin searching for an explanation for this phenomenon.
I was in shock!
I stood peeing with my mouth-hung open watching my naked landlady's large dimpled buttocks wobble and shake as she tried to open my bathroom door to escape.
"Um Lynn" I said shaking drips off my dick "what are you doing?"
"It won't open," she said close to shrieking hysterically.
"Let me try" I said moving beside her. She covered her pendulous breasts with her arms and shrank away behind me as I tried the knob. Turning the knob either way did nothing; the door wouldn't open no matter what I did. "It's ok," I said heading toward the sink trying not to look in Lynn's direction "I left a knife under the sink for emergencies".
Peering under the sink my heart sank when I couldn't see the butter knife I left here after saving Kevin from this predicament. Kevin must have put it back in the kitchen I thought as I began searching the room for something I could use. Lynn had pushed herself into the corner trying to cover her expansive nakedness with her arms and hands. I would have normally found this quite hilarious but I was tired, I wanted to be in bed, alone, sleeping, not locked in a bathroom with a fat naked lady.
"Where are the towels?" I blurted out realising I couldn't find a towel to give to her to cover herself with.
"There in Kevin's room, we showered together this morning," She said before bursting into tears.
"You-you what" I found myself asking.
Sobbing she explained, "Kevin and I have been having an affair"
This was all too much to take in; Kevin was a good-looking guy half this woman's age who could get any girl he wanted. What the fuck was he bonking our large matronly landlady for?
After getting Lynn to stop crying and realising there was nothing in the bathroom to unlatch the door with we searched the dirty clothes hamper for something she could wear. Quite frankly her nakedness was giving me the he bee gee bees.
She tried with no luck to get into a pair of Kevin's work shorts and we also found there was no way in hell she could get one of his dirty T shirts on. I wanted to scream, then it occurred to me.
"Lets yell for help" I said "Old Tom downstairs is bound to hear us and come get us out"
"Oh please god no" she implored "I don't want anyone to find us like this"
Lynn sat down on the bathtub edge and started sobbing again. I felt sorry for her and angry at her at the same time. Sitting on the floor I said "Lynn" she stopped sobbing and looked at me "would you mind closing your legs when I talk to you".
"I'm sorry," she said snapping her legs together. "Kevin usually comes home for lunch," I said, "so we may only have four hours to wait".
"Yes" she agreed sniffing her last sobs away.
We sat in silence for a long time and I considered finding some way I could get some sleep when Lynn started crying again.
"What's wrong now?" I said.
"I have to use the toilet," she answered.
"That's ok" Ill look the other way.
"Noooooo" she started crying again "I have to do number two"
Oh fucking great I thought, not only am I stuck in a bathroom with a large naked fat woman but she has to take a shit. I stood in the bathtub facing the other way close to tears as Lynn took a dump, thankfully it didn't smell up the bathroom too much but it was as embarrassing for me as it was for her.
We wiled away the hours talking and playing "I spy" when we both heard the sound of Kevin's car coming up the drive. I have never felt so relieved in all my life and nearly jumped into the air throwing a punch screaming "yessssssssssssssssssssssssss"
As soon as he walked through the front door I yelled out to him and told him I was locked in the bathroom. Laughing he got a butter knife and unlocked the door. Seeing Lynn naked sitting on the edge of the tub he looked at me and said "You bastard, do you get free rent too?".
User Reviews
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-06 15:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha! I wish Ubersite was also a magazine and stuff like this would be in every issue.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-06 15:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you staying at circe's place?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-06 15:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He Shoots, He Scores.
-Dave
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-06 15:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Top Stuff
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-11-03 21:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My anus hurts this was so good.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT ending man. "You bastard, do you get free rent too?". OutFUCKINGstanding!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-03 15:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-11-03 15:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-03 12:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thankyou Saxon.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-03 12:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-11-03 12:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's HAWT!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Holy Moses!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-03 10:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never let me down, Saxy.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have mercy!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And people say us American's are crazy
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus...this was friggin hilarious.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to be in bed, alone, sleeping, not locked in a bathroom with a fat naked lady.
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Fucking hilarious.
This is the best story I have read in a while.
Well Done.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she swallowed my leg whole like an eggroll
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit man
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"would you mind closing your legs when I talk to you".
Priceless, also, the redundany of the second paragraph made me laugh for some strange reason.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man. Even the pictures of a cat being killed didn't horrify me like this post. Fucking gross man, the visuals. You're too good with words.
Eeeew.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad thoughts.
In my head.
Thanks for that.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-03 06:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh heh
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-03 04:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
been a while since I read any Saxon. Glad I came back.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-11-03 04:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ab363 (user info) at 2005-11-03 02:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The end is so obvious, but when I got there, it still made me laugh!
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a pity that she was a hideous meltbeast. This could have been a great letter to Hustler.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ZoomZoom (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:29:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
So super funny! It took long time to read. But was funny.
--------------------------------------------------------
Heavens Demergatroid.
Hey Willy we better set a date dude its getting close to xmas, how bout my idea of BBQ my house? or would you guys rather hit a strip club or gay bar for danger ranger hahahahaha. have your people ring my people.
Submitted by ZoomZoom (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So super funny! It took long time to read. But was funny.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, theres nothing else to say except +2
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brisbane Ubercon? .. Im there, and Im bringing abbos, africans and lebs
Oh yeah, Good story and whatnot too
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome !!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aureola Borealus?
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice Story.
I would have fucked her though.
*L* Good thing she wasn't hungry.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't people always have the shower and toilet in the same room?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-03 01:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaa. She'd better be invited to Ubercon Brisbane.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"i have to do a number 2..."
what happened to "i have to take a shit?" people are getting to be too proper.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:55:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Made my day seem a whole lot better...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trapped in an enclosed space with a naked person with unwanted sexual thoughts in your head, only later to deal with them taking a grand mal dump in front of you...
If you change 'my landlady' to 'some dude' you've basically described prison.
Good luck getting out with your cornhole intact.
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weepin Jesus on the cross that shit was funny!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-03 00:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!