Help Control the Pet Population: Punt Puppies! (892 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.09 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bluto (View user info) at 2005-11-03 07:18:48 EST
For years, Bob Barker has been the main supporter of our cause, ending his every show with the same phrase.
"Remember folks, Help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered."
While we kindly appreciate Bob's work, it is no longer getting the job done. Too many pets are fucking, and not enough of them are dying. It's simple math. Because of this fact, we have decided that we need to branch out and find other methods to help rectify the situation.
Ladies and gentlemen, after much thought and careful consideration, it has been decided that the simplest, most enjoyable way to help control the pet population is to punt young animals. Now, some of you may be thinking that this is cruel.
"Aww Bluto. Punting young animals? That's cruel!"
You know what I think cruel is? Tricking your dog into your car, only to lead him to a building where a complete stranger is going to tie him down and forcibly remove his penis.
WHAT?!?!?!?!? Would you rather someone gave you a swift kick to the ass, or would you rather they tricked you into taking a trip that would end with you weighing 3-8lbs. lighter, with an appendage count that was one lower, all WITHOUT your permission?
See what I mean?
Now, a few tips on the most effective way to punt small animals.
1. Don't wait for the animal to grow too large.
The best time to punt an animal is while they are still approximately the same size as a soccer ball. If you wait too long to begin the punting, not only do you put yourself at risk for serious injuries, but the distance the animal travels is significantly reduced, leading to disappointment and severe lack of self-esteem.
2. Find a big, open area.
There is nothing worse than the feeling of getting away a good punt, only to have the animal's progress impeded by the goddamn ceiling again. In an open field, any kicks you get off will see their full potential. If you are truly a bloodthirsty madman, however, you can always aim for the ceiling fan when punting; it will add a whole new element to animal sterilization.
3. Be sure to film the spectacle, so to show the nice folks at P.E.T.A.
There isn't really a practical reason for this. It's just fun to be a dick sometimes.
4. If you are unsure of your punting abilities, feel free to practice with a soccer ball or football.
While the weight ratio might be slightly off, punting a ball is a great way to practice your technique. Remember, don't take your eye off the ball/animal, and follow through with your kick for maximum distance.
5. Always stretch out beforehand.
Nothing ruins a fun day of distance animal kicking like a pulled groin muscle. All it will take is five minutes of time to ensure that you don't end the day on the sidelines. Not to mention, when properly warmed up, one's distance and accuracy is markedly improved.
6. Always wear proper shoes.
Even at a young age, many animals can have claws. If you think having a cat scratch you as he's casually walking past, using your scrotum as a rung on his "human ladder" is painful, wait until the force being exerted upon your skin by those nails is proportional to the speed of your foot.
Congratulations, you're now ready to become an animal punting professional! What are you waiting for? Get out there today and take the first step in helping the world take care of pet overpopulation. Your help is desperately needed!
Strangely enough, Google image search: "Animal Cruelty" provides this:
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-08 08:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Whoa! Close one. This was almost 2 on 30 reviews. We can't allow that to happen.
Not to mention, a Colts fan AND a Cubs fan? I fart in your general direction.
P.S. Enjoy the undefeated claim, it'll end in about 9 hours.
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What was that you were saying???
I can't quite hear you?
Oh ya, GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER
8-0.
Bitch.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-04 00:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:20:40 (#)
Ranking: -1
right on, maddox. u rule teh pool.
So, let me get this straight... Everyone who posts satire now is trying to copy Maddox?
Good thinking, asscheese.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-03 21:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I know many people I'd like spayed/neutered.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
right on, maddox. u rule teh pool.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweeeeeet...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-03 13:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, when toddlers make that satisfying cracking noise on concrete?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-03 10:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this:
"There isn't really a practical reason for this. It's just fun to be a dick sometimes. "
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-03 09:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:48:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:29:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
I am in love with that Garfalo chick.
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gar.
I merely want to place my cock in her mouth to prevent her from talking.
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Aye. T'would be enough for me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needed more hanging cat head.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:29:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
I am in love with that Garfalo chick.
--------------------
gar.
I merely want to place my cock in her mouth to prevent her from talking.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:24:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Aww Bluto. Punting young animals? That's cruel!"
You know what I think cruel is? Tricking your dog into your car, only to lead him to a building where a complete stranger is going to tie him down and forcibly remove his penis.
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That was Bill Hicks on letting your terminally ill gran star in a Chuck Norris movie as a mugger.
Shit! Thanks for reminding me, I was going to cite that in a review.
Thanks to Bill Hicks for allowing me to use that format for my joke.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I am in love with that Garfalo chick.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Aww Bluto. Punting young animals? That's cruel!"
You know what I think cruel is? Tricking your dog into your car, only to lead him to a building where a complete stranger is going to tie him down and forcibly remove his penis.
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That was Bill Hicks on letting your terminally ill gran star in a Chuck Norris movie as a mugger.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-03 07:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not mentioned within the post, but in countries with overpopulation issues (China, India, etc...) this solution may also be used on infants.
WHAT?!?!?! Better you do it than the government gets to any of those children. All of you are fucked should that happen.