So what if I drive a roller skate? I dig it. (1782 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Teh Cheese (View user info) at 2005-11-03 19:39:01 EST
On my way to work this morning, I stopped at a gas station to grab some liquid alertness (AKA caffiene and sugar). Isn't that fascinating? No? Well then I shall continue.
Upon entering the store, I noticed two rotund ladies behind the counter whispering to each other and giggling like 8 year old girls. "Welcome to Speedway" warbled Shamu. I acknowledged the greeting, then proceeded to shop for the most effective stimulant.
The giggling continued as I perused coffee alternatives, and I couldn't help but overhear the deafening whisper of Ms. Thunder Thighs. The topic of choice and source of amusement was my car.
Now, here's the thing about my car... It's one of those "love it or hate it" types. I love it, and pretty much everyone else hates it. Chances are few of you have ever even seen one. It's a small 2 seater. Like, Miata small. It's also got a 2 speed transfer case and about 8 inches or so of ground clearance. It's also a convertible. Suffice to say it's "unique" looking. It's a Suzuki X-90.
I'm used curious strangers approaching me to ask questions about my car. Everybody thinks they are the first to tell me it looks like a roller skate. I was never trying to impress anyone with what I drive, anyway.
So I approach the cows to pay for my drink and be on my merry way. "What kind of car is that?" bellowed the larger of the two. "A Suzuki X-90" I state, rather proudly. "Damn, that thing is so UGLY! What were you thinking when you bought it?"
Upon hearing that, I came to the understanding that we were being open, and not masking what we truly felt. But I'm a nice guy. "cheap 4x4 convertible with great gas mileage." I nudged the cash on the counter her way, but she was a little too caught up in the moment to notice.
"That thing looks like a pregnant woman layin' on four wheels! That's so dumb I wouldn't be caught dead in it!"
It takes a lot to get me angry, but if some witty retort comes to me while conversing with a less than pleasant individual, I'll generally not withhold my comments.
"That's the beauty of it, ma'am. You don't have to worry about being caught in it, because you could never fit to begin with. And I don't have to worry about finding a beached whale in my car."
She looked at me like I raped her yorkshire terrier with a riding lawnmower. I hate when I get accused of that.
I began to depart, leaving a 5 dollar bill on the counter with a 2 dollar drink in my hand. "Keep the change and buy yourself a slimfast." As I walked away, I could feel the "how dare you" glare burning into the back of my head, followed shortly by a flood of expletives. I couldn't help but chuckle at these two big fat white girls doing the sister act all of a sudden.
"MUTHAFUCKA!? YOU DID NOT...YOU DID *NOT*" "Oh girl, he did." "MUTHAFUCKA?!?" "Did you hear what he said to you?" "MUTHAFUCKA I'M GONNA-" "Girl you AIN'T gonna take that!" "MUTHAFUCKA I AM GONNA-" Her threat went unheard, as by that time the door had shut behind me and I was walking casually to my car.
Bertha the scale slaughterer stormed outside, and her chastising continued, "MUTHAFUCKA GET BACK HEYA AND SAY DAT AGAIN!!!"
I hopped in my car nonchalantly, started it up and pulled away, smiling and waving at the steaming red wad of lard screaming from the entrance. While waiting to make my turn out of the lot, I saw her attention shift to two guys rolling around on the pavement, clutching their sides.
"MUTHAFUCKAS!! WHATCHOO LAUGHIN AT?! YOU WANT SOME?! YOU WANT SOME?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE DIS!!" I left my blinker blinking, and passed up an oppurtunity to go in favor of seeing what happens. The one fellow was struggling to stand, the other still rolling around when she started waddling toward them.
Clearly fearing being sat on, or a similar fate, the two noticeably panicked and darted toward their car. There escape was somewhat less than narrow, as the beast didn't move very quickly, but they peeled out of there nonetheless.
As I made my exit, I cranked up my radio and headed to work. "Today is going to be a good day," I told myself. I turned out to be wrong there, but at least the morning was amusing.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-01 03:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this ages ago, don't know why I didn't rate it. Probably had "quit uber" or somesuch.
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-07-01 03:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The X-90 was initially a concept car and received wide praise from the public. However, the production vehicle sold poorly, and is considered a flop. Just 7,205 X-90s were imported into the US in total. More than half were sold in 1996, with sales dropping to 2,087 the next year and just 477 in 1998"
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That car is so fucking badass I had to come back and see it again.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-07 13:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a kickass car.
Submitted by Mrs.Love (user info) at 2005-11-07 13:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They probably would have preferred a Tempo.
Your car reminds me of dinosaurs. I don't know why...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-07 12:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this was funny...and wow, I don't believe I've ever seen that car before.
I can honestly say it looks like an RC car or something of that nature. It looks like a toy.
I can say these things and not feel like I'm pissing you off. You know why? 'Cuz I drive a Honda Element. A blue box on wheels, baby. Nice mileage for an SUV and it fits all of my band's equipment.
Submitted by yeahthatme (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I play with your car? Pleeeeeeeeease? Can I, huh? Please, please? PRETTY please? I won't break it, I promise!
It's just so...cute.
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mildly amusing.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-04 17:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not buyin it. It's not a car... It's a quad with a shell overtop.
Why anyone would buy a car with no back seat is beyond me... where are you supposed to have sex? The hood?
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Yes.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-04 13:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The "Pocket Rocket"
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe that car exists.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:56:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:39:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:35:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Cheese, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
_______________________________
?
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It's a movie reference, The Dread Pirate Roberts said it to Wesly every evening while he trained him.
It's a peace offering seeing as you've come 'round.
_________________
Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not buyin it. It's not a car... It's a quad with a shell overtop.
Why anyone would buy a car with no back seat is beyond me... where are you supposed to have sex? The hood?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:39:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:35:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Cheese, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
_______________________________
?
========
It's a movie reference, The Dread Pirate Roberts said it to Wesly every evening while he trained him.
It's a peace offering seeing as you've come 'round.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I Googled your car at the start of your post and was going to heartily diss it, and you. Your one kicks ass though! It's all about those tyres.
God, fat bitches crack me up...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yanno how puppies' feet look a little too big for their bodies, and that somehow makes them all the cuter? That's your car.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I feel like you have to pull it back real far before it'll go?
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That's awesome.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:35:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Cheese, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
_______________________________
?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Cheese, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a VERY shiny car
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:58:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want that car!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time I saw an X-90 I had the irresistable urge to make the fast lip-flapping "bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-bi" noise that you hear in the cartoon when George Jetson zooms by in his aircar.
+1 for putting lage tires on such a small vehicle
+1 for the story
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-04 05:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is BWAAAAA AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! one word or two?
Awesome story man.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-11-04 04:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see some X-90's rolling around where I'm from, but not with any lift, and such aggressive tires. It's not a REAL serious 4X4, but I think it looks awesome man.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-04 03:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like a Mazda MX-5 on 4x4 wheels.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-11-04 03:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teh +2.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-04 01:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops, meant for 0, sorry.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-04 01:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY CRAP. STRAIGHT TWOS. EVEN BADASSMOFO. HOLY WOW.
I did this to kill 2 hours at work.
Thanks, y'all
:)
Submitted by armandodecastillo (user info) at 2005-11-04 00:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I must confess I didn't actually believe you when you said it looked like a rollerskate. I stand corrected.
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2005-11-04 00:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are not enought posts (or people) like this
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-03 22:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude.
Pure awesome.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-03 22:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Waddles deserve every bit of grief they get.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-03 22:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rock on man.
goddamn fat people.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-03 21:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha. Fat people - an endless source of hilarity.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was that built by TONKA?
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vroom motherfucker.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I feel like you have to pull it back real far before it'll go?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drop a 427 in that sucker and. . .yeah.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This picture has been edited. I found the real picture.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78367
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing... How true is this post?
I mean, I stretch the truth/lie in my posts all the time, so I don't know. Of course, I make it obvious.
But really... How true is it?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I feel like you have to pull it back real far before it'll go?
_______________________________
That is EXACTLY what I was thinking! That's just what it looks like, holy crap. I've never seen one of those, but I'd feel awesome driving in it.
But it looks nothing like a skate?
And wow, this was a really good post. Short/funny/entertaining. VEY VEY GOO JOB!
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for a cack funny story
+1 for a car that almost looks like it's all growned up
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, I fucking knew it.
A little criticism and tough love and wah la! YOu made a good post.
Congrats.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, "did you hear what he said to 'you'"
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno. That looks like a fun car to me.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll be the envy of all the coolest pre-schoolers!
Submitted by TkdMoose (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha Great!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I feel like you have to pull it back real far before it'll go?