Sort of the Tale of Little Red Riding Hood, I guess (734 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.57 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <sizzlemctwizzle.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-03 20:18:19 EST
Sort of the Tale of Little Red Riding Hood, I guess
(Partly based on Little Red Cap by Grimm)
Once there was this story about a dear little girl with probably one of the longest names of all time. Her name was Little Red Riding Hood. They could've just called her Susie, since that was her real name, and that's what I suggested, but no one listens to me, so they called her Little Red Riding Hood. Who am I? I'm the hunter from this story, the one who saved her and her grandmother from the wolf. You've heard this story told before by some unknown higher being watching down on the world, but now lets hear it from someone who's actually been there, and lets hear what really happened, not some dumbed down story for little children, let's hear it from a real man's point of view.
First of all let's get rid of one misconception, the wolf. He wasn't just any wolf, he was a werewolf, which explained why he could talk, and I wasn't just any hunter, I was a werewolf hunter. I'd been following this particular werewolf for over nine hundred miles. He was getting kind of hungry now, I could tell this 'cause he was resorting to eating the Healthy Choice meals he had stole from the Richard family. You know, Richard Simons, yeah, apparently he likes to eat healthy. The wolf ate them cold. I could tell he was desperate, 'specially cause it was a vegetarian meal. It was a mixture of white rice and snow peas which were fat free, carb free, and taste free, not exactly a full meal for an adult fully grown three hundred pound male werewolf. I knew he was looking for some real meat, and the closest was Little Red Riding Hood.
It was getting close to sunset. I had to find somewhere to sleep tonight. I wanted to get as close as I could to a bed. Unfortunately, all the beds were being occupied in the Hood house, and even if they weren't I didn't want to sleep out in the open. So when all the residents in the house were asleep I cut a hole the shape of my muscular body in one of the walls and slipped in. I then realized that a hole in the shape of a man might be a little suspicious, but then again I didn't really care anyway. It turned out I had slipped into Little Red Riding Hood's room. She looked very innocent, especially the way she held her gun pointed at the door of her room to pro-tect herself as she slept. I was just happy I hadn't entered through the door. She was a surprisingly sound sleeper. I could tell this from the fact that she didn't wake up when I had cut the hole in the wall with my chain saw and when I yelled as I accidentally cut one of my toes off, but that was okay, I had six on that foot. So that night I slept under her bed. It was the next best thing to actually sleeping in the bed, but that was okay. I could handle it. I was a tough man.
I woke up before the sun rose the next morning. I shaved my full beard that had grown completely over night (because I was a manly man) with the razor that Little Red Riding Hood's mother used to shave her legs. I didn't shave my chest because I didn't want to break the razor on my steel-wool-like hair, plus I thought it made me look rugged. I dashed on some rubbing alcohol for colon, and slid back outside through my body shaped hole.
When I was outside I saw the werewolf still sleeping. Here was my chance to shoot the wolf and be rid of it forever, but that was too easy. A real hunter wouldn't strike his prey when it was asleep, even if it meant saving the lives of its future victims. I knew that not acting now might have serious consequences, but then again I didn't really care anyway, plus I was too tired to load my gun.
About two hours later the door of the Hood house slammed open, the wolf woke at the sound, and ran behind a tree where it could watch from seclusion. I myself was behind a rock. I was surprised to find that Little Red Riding Hood's mother had slammed the door, somebody was a little unhappy this morning. I couldn't blame her though; I wasn't feeling too good this morning either, I was kind of missing that sixth toe of mine.
"Look, Little Red Riding Hood, here's a piece of cake and a bottle of wine," explained mother Hood. "Take them to grandmother." Wow, I thought, grandmother sounded like a wild woman. I found it interesting that she enjoyed wine. I myself preferred shoots of Captain Mor-gan Rum, why, because I have a little captain in me.
"She is sick and weak," continued the mother, "and they will make her feel better." I hoped she didn't drink too much or she might feel worse.
"You'd better start now before it gets too hot," she instructed. "Walk properly like a good little girl, and don't leave the path or you'll fall down and break the bottle and there won't be anything for grandmother. And when you get to her house, don't forget to say good morning, and don't go looking in all the corners." I kind of wondered what grandmother kept in her cor-ners that she didn't want Little Red Riding Hood to see.
"I'll do everything right," promised Little Red Ridding Hood and with that she skipped into the forest. I noticed the wolf was gone. He was probably waiting for her in the woods. I was afraid that she might get bitten and turn into a werewolf herself, and then I'd have to kill her. That'd be really hard to explain in court, so I decided to follow her. I didn't walk directly behind her. I didn't want to look like I was her stalker. I had once done that and got arrested because they thought I was some Michael Jackson-like character. I tried to tell them that I was her friend, but that just made it worse.
About ten minutes later I saw her talking with the wolf. He was asking her a few ques-tions and when he learned were she was going he got excited at the prospect of two people for lunch and jumped into the forest.
Little Red Riding Hood noticed some fresh flowers she could pick for her grandmother. There were "flowers in her hair, flowers everywhere. I love the flower girl. She seemed so sweet and kind she crept into my mind..." Oh...sorry...I broke into song there; it was just so beau-tiful. Once she had enough flowers to make a float in that parade before the Rose Bowl she continued on her way.
She was very hard to follow. It was like she was the energizer bunny on steroids. She kept on going and going, and then just when you thought she was out of juice she injected herself again and on she went. She kept running from one edge of the trail to the other, moving in a zig-zag pattern. I think she had that one hyperactive disease. I though about just shooting her now and carrying the body to the werewolf to use as bait and save myself some energy in the process, but there was no way I was ever going to get a date with Mother Hood if I fed her daughter to the wolf, so I just kept on truckin'.
When Little Red Riding Hood reached her grandmother's house she seemed surprised to find the door open. I wasn't, old people often forget things. I knew better than to just walk in the house though. The last time I had done that was at my grandmother's house, and let's just say she was wearing her birthday suit, and let's also just say that after seventy-five years of wear and tear, grandmother's birthday suite was a little too worn for my taste. So instead of reliving a past mistake I watched through a window. Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother wasn't look-ing to hot, of course I wasn't expecting her to. She had the face of a dog, and that was putting it lightly.
Little Red Riding Hood walked to the bed where her grandmother sat. She looked her grandmother over carefully.
"Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
"The better to hear you with."
"Oh, grand mother, what big eyes you have!"
"The better to see you with."
This was getting repetitive so I kind of zoned out and decided to play Tic Tac Toe with the dirt on the window. I beat myself again. I just never lose at that game. Once I focused in on the room again I notice Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother were missing. On the bed sleeping lay the now enormous werewolf. Oh no, I realized the wolf ate them. I was kind of worried that when he ate them alive he might have bitten them.
I thought about jumping through the window and breaking the glass, but that might wake the wolf, so I decided to fire up my chain saw and cut another body-sized hole in the wall. This time I yelled when I accidentally cut off the sixth finger on my left hand, but he was a sound sleeper and didn't wake.
Once I was in, I raised my gun with the silver bullet in it to his head, but then I realized that the bullet might ricochet off the wolf's skull and hit me. I would never risk my own life for the lives of others, because I was more important. I thought about using my chain saw to cut them free, but I didn't want to risk losing two body parts in one day, plus I was running out of extra appendages. So I decided to use my scissors (the ones I use to clip coupons, don't mock me, Werewolf hunters have to save money too) to cut him open. He didn't notice at all that I was cutting him open. He must have drunk grandmother's wine.
Once they were all out, we celebrated my victory and I ate the cake, because as they say, to the victor goes the spoils. Luckily, the wolf had swallowed them whole and didn't get a bit at them. If you remember, there's only one-way to kill a werewolf and you may be wondering how I killed him, but what you don't know is that the scissor blades were made of silver. It's just as good as shooting him with a silver bullet. So after we celebrated I skinned the wolf and went home a rich man. Unfortunately, the next day Grandma Hood died from alcohol poison-ing...well they're not sure what killed her exactly. She was driving here Mustang to pick Little Red Riding Hood from school, while drinking a full bottle of wine, and apparently she swerved off the road into a camping ground killing the entire Richard family before hitting a tree. The autopsy found that she had a 50.20 blood alcohol level, which is obviously a lethal dosage. So they're not sure if the alcohol killed her before she hit the tree or not, either way she's dead. Little Red Riding Hood on the other hand was picked up by Mother Hood, and me who were now married. The marriage didn't last, however, because not wanting to take care up a child that wasn't my own, I murdered Little Red Riding Hood and was sentenced to life in prison
As you can see there's a lot about this common children's story you didn't know. But thanks to me now you do know. Now you can go around knowing what other people don't be-cause you know Sort of the Tale of Little Red Riding Hood, I guess.
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-03 21:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How about one a day you fucking piece of shit??
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was average the first time, the second time it was pointless. As was the hyphen-ation. What's with that?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If this had been written by anyone else, as is, it would have
received positive reviews. Whatever happened to rating the
post rather than the poster? People are shit.
Submitted by sizzlemctwizzle (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just to all you fuckers who didn't hear me the first time.
Fuck this mother fuckin' site, you all should burn in fuckin' hell. I try to get some honest feed back. And all I get is some gay faggots who think they know shit. But they don't, so they come across sounding like fuckin' retards. I won't ever come back to this gay ass fuckin' site again. Fuck TheSun whatever his gay ass name is. And everyone else. I will win at state. You're just mother fuckin' jealous, because all of you have sad gay ass lifes, and jobs so to vent all your fuckin' anger you go on Ubersite where you can make hateful comments and not have someone kick your ass. I fuckin' out of this bitch, fuckers.
AND NOW I'M REALLY FUCKIN OUT!!!! SHUTTING MY BROWSER WINDOW NOW!!!!
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:25:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm calling it now, no motherfucker is going to read this.
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WOO HOO REPOST!
Beer bong couldnt be more right.
Suck it.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Repost = -2.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm calling it now, no motherfucker is going to read this.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:23:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Here, have a -2.
Just because I don't like you.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-03 20:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Here, have a -2.
Just because I don't like you.