Xcuses day off (924 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.76 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Xcuses (View user info) at 2005-11-04 05:10:18 EST
After burning the candle at both ends for the better part of the last few months, I decided to take a couple days off work. This has given me the opportunity to do things I normally don't get the chance to do, you know, run errands without feeling rushed. I started my day by going for a nice five mile jog, followed by making a delicious omelet while reading the paper (not just the sports section either). After a leisurely morning at the homestead, it was time for me to head out. On the list of things to do, pick up a nice bottle of wine for the following nights dinner with my new girl.
I am not an expert at picking out wine. I know that you don't need to spend a fortune when it comes to buying wine but I wanted to splurge a little. As I'm walking up and down the aisle of assorted wines, I would grab an occasional bottle and read about it as if I knew what I was looking for. I thought it was funny when one of the 'experts' who had just delivered several cases to the store said to me, "Oh, that's an excellent choice" while I was reading the back of a $48 bottle of wine. Really?, I was hoping it wouldn't be a piece of shit for that price but I decided to listen. He explained the different tannins, and that it has a deep rich flavor. Good enough for me, I had my selection. 1998, was that a good year for wines? I guess I'm going to find out later (Stay tuned).
Following my rendezvous at the wine shop, I worked up quite an appetite (I feel so Rachael Ray) so I headed out to one of my favorite dives for lunch. I decided that I would ruin my hour and a half jog earlier in the day by eating an unhealthy portion of sliders, onion rings and chocolate shake. For those of you unfamiliar with sliders, they are small flat greasy hamburgers cooked with grilled onions and they are delicious. I grabbed a magazine and started reading, but had a hard time focusing due to all the ruckus from patrons surrounding me. To my left were a couple of blue collar, roughneck looking guys with short sleeve flannel shirts. I didn't have the heart to them that look really isn't 'in'. I guess they were all quite hungry since the six burgers each in front of them were about to do battle with their pie holes and the burgers never had a chance.
To my right was Ms Blue hair, Mr. Viagra hasn't worked for me in over twenty years, and some third wheel trying to get in on that action. Their conversation about social security was about as exciting as watching paint dry at a funeral. Also, instead of losing yet again at the downtown casino, I'm sure their money would have been better spent on a hearing aide and pacemaker but who am I to judge. It was now time to hear them order lunch. First guy, orders coffee. COFFEE? If that is all you want buddy, stay home and make a pot. Is getting out of the house so exciting that you can't drink a cup of coffee at home. For that matter, have you ever noticed that old people order coffee with every meal. "Yeah, I'll have a filet mignon, lobster tails, escargot........and a cup o Joe" FREAKS! I guess it is new law that people over the age of dinosaur MUST order coffee so that it can melt all the food before it goes down the throat seeing that teeth aren't quite as sharp as they used to be.
So now Ms Facehasfallen orders a couple of hamburgers, but well done. WELL DONE? These burgers are as flat as a dime. How would one distinguish between well done and well..........done? I just knew these burgers were going to give her heartburn which did put a little smile on my face, I'm not going to lie. The third wheel decides it's his turn. A couple of more burgers WELL DONE please.....and don't forget about the coffee. I look over to the fellows to my left and I was right, those burgers lost the battle, however the ketchup and mustard won the war.....of their shirts that is. I guess the new look of short sleeve flannel can only be pulled off if stains of condiments are dribbled here and there.
Lunch was over, and since it was so nice out, I decided a little golf was in order. My relaxing day was planned to be just that, but what was in store was something completely different. As I approached the first tee on this beautifully sunny, seventy three degree Michigan fall afternoon, I noticed a foursome in front of me, already on the green some four hundred and twenty yards away. I couldn't make out exactly who they were but I was about to find out, ten minutes later. After finishing the first hole with par, I moved on to the second hole. What I witnessed before me was truly horrific. I now had identified the SLOW group of LADIES in front of me. I guess there was a special that day- go to the burger joint and get a free round of golf. These ladies looked like the Golden Girls Grandparents, and boy did they suck at golf. I could live with just that, but instead of hitting the little white ball, they decided it would be more fun to just 'take pictures' of the trees with the changing leave colors. I felt like I was watching a bunch of Asians playing 'tourist' with their cameras in downtown Detroit watching crime for the first time. I knew I had to slide by these ladies if I had any chance of relaxing golf.
Much to my dismay, passing this foursome would only lead me to........another foursome. I couldn't believe my eyes when I pulled the calculator out and came up with 1000 as my guess for aggregate age of this foursome. Surely I picked the wrong course. What normally would take me two and a half hours by myself to finish eighteen holes ended up taking FIVE AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS. I picked the wrong time to quit smoking pot. As soon as my round ended, I quickly jumped in my car and tried to beat what I was sure to be a funeral procession, the victim being one of the fellow golfers trying to be active all in the name of 'Look at me, I'm golfing- but I'm about to die'
All in all it was a nice day, and I really enjoyed my first day off work in quite some time. Sure there were a couple of speed bumps along the way but you know the ole' saying...'A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work'. Next time I decide to take another day off I'm going to cut to the chase and just head to Bill Knapp's for lunch. Follow that up with a rousing game of BINGO and I've sufficiently done my duty of hanging out with old people that are not related to me. Maybe I'll be going to Heaven after all.....
User Reviews
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for the picture!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-07 06:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is going to be a long day at work, I can just tell
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-06 16:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 14:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Badass, you must mean posts like this right--->http://www.ubersite.com/m/78451
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-05 10:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 05:51:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't wait for the day that Bart actually reads and comments on one of my posts.
==
Maybe if you wrote something interesting and not dripping with homosexuality.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-05 10:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sleeping.
I wish I was, but I hafta go to work in about 10 minutes.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 08:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why is all of Uberites sleeping
WAKE UP LAZY ASSES
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 05:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:18:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you tell your girl about you be 'post-op' and all yet?
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shhhh, that's our little secret
well, now it's our secret and ALL OF UBERS- yikes
I can't wait for the day that Bart actually reads and comments on one of my posts.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-11-05 05:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I scrolled right to the image. You nailed this +2.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 05:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:13:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get back to you for a comment
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*waits anxious by the computer*
waits
waits
.
.
.
Oh and Tiger, don't worry....I'm making that trip, don't you worry
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 04:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:01:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
im still waiting to hear how the 48 dollar wine was...
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taste like most $10-15 ones :(
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-04 18:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-11-04 10:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
im still waiting to hear how the 48 dollar wine was...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha old people.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get back to you for a comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-04 09:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for you!!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 08:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you tell your girl about you be 'post-op' and all yet?
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just saw your review...
Sorry if you felt neglected! I always read your posts, but rarely rate.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My days off generally involve waking up at the same time as usual (6am) despite the plans for a lie in, eat breakfast and stare in horrified fascination at the pure SHITE they play on tv during the day. Shower, get dressed, stare around me and realise that it's not even 8am and I have nothing to do on my day off.
Nothing.
I'm fucked if I'm doing housework, no shopping needs to be done and I've got no sodding money to buy anything with anyway. All my unemployed bum friends won't be awake for another 12 hours at least, I'm out of booze and watching all 3 worthwhile Star Wars (which is always my emergency contingency plan) is looking fairly likely.
This is why I don't take days off.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do a lot of that stuff on my days off, too.
So it can't be that bad.
But FUCK that five hour round of golf.
If I ain't playing in three and a half, I ain't finishing.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't believe my eyes when I pulled the calculator out and came up with 1000 as my guess for aggregate age of this foursome.
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hahahaha
This is a great post!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"On the list of things to do, pick up a nice bottle of wine for the following nights dinner with my new girl."
<weeps>
Glad you had a good day.
Now, get in your car and
come and visit me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:47:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll send you my diary from 2002, that fits this criteria...
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Now that's what I'm talking about.
Loneliness, self deprecation, a slice of irony and a happy, disney, ending. Not too mention gratuitus nudity and depravity.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:41:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't I read stories about normal people who don't have a splendid date in the evening and work as an admin assistant in a busy marketing department. I want to hear about ordinary people who fart and brush their teeth with colgate and buy Mcain oven chips from Iceland for £1.20 (but you get 25% extra free). I want to hear normal stories about people who wake up in the morning, look out at the overcast sky and wonder about what it would be like to be able to fall in love and be happy, then get up and go to work. I want to hear about people who hate soaps but watch a million hours of TV a year because they're waiting for their lives to begin. I want to hear the extraordinary thoughts that all ordinary people have.
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I'll send you my diary from 2002, that fits this criteria...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's Berty, now in stereo baby!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't I read stories about normal people who don't have a splendid date in the evening and work as an admin assistant in a busy marketing department. I want to hear about ordinary people who fart and brush their teeth with colgate and buy Mcain oven chips from Iceland for £1.20 (but you get 25% extra free). I want to hear normal stories about people who wake up in the morning, look out at the overcast sky and wonder about what it would be like to be able to fall in love and be happy, then get up and go to work. I want to hear about people who hate soaps but watch a million hours of TV a year because they're waiting for their lives to begin. I want to hear the extraordinary thoughts that all ordinary people have.
*puts on Pulp CD*
I wanna live like common people.
I wanna do whatever common people do
I wanna sleep with common people,
Wanna sleep with common people like you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't I read stories about normal people who don't have a splendid date in the evening and work as an admin assistant in a busy marketing department. I want to hear about ordinary people who fart and brush their teeth with colgate and buy Mcain oven chips from Iceland for £1.20 (but you get 25% extra free). I want to hear normal stories about people who wake up in the morning, look out at the overcast sky and wonder about what it would be like to be able to fall in love and be happy, then get up and go to work. I want to hear about people who hate soaps but watch a million hours of TV a year because they're waiting for their lives to begin. I want to hear the extraordinary thoughts that all ordinary people have.
*puts on Pulp CD*
I wanna live like common people.
I wanna do whatever common people do
I wanna sleep with common people,
Wanna sleep with common people like you.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It made me smile.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:26:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to mention the part where you stopped at the orphanage to help with bath time.
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That's on TODAY'S agenda...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to mention the part where you stopped at the orphanage to help with bath time.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, you didn't spend the day drinking and getting stoned with unemployed associates. This is always a good sign of superiour social status and maturity.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:17:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:05:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a nice life.
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what makes you say that?
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Well you've got enough money to be able to afford to go golfing and buy reasonably expensive wine. You're presently wooing a lady who is worth a clichéd well prepared dinner rather than simply getting her pissed until she can't stand and dry humping against a mirrored pillar in a nightclub that plays nothing but Chesney Hawks.
I picture you in some job with a title that is either 'projects manager' or something and a comfortable 5 figures a year, living in a generous apartment (albeit with the living room set up around the television as all young males living rooms are) in a nice area where no-one gets shot.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:05:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a nice life.
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what makes you say that?
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the sound of sliders...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a nice life.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-04 05:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes I spelled leafs wrong....for all those who love to play English teacher on my posts