Jasper The Hardcore, Alien Fighting, Don't Take No Shit From Anyone, Motherfucker. Part 1 (674 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Stop Teh Voices> (View user info) at 2005-11-04 06:18:53 EST
Meet Jasper.
Jasper is a hardcore, alien fighting, don't take no shit from anyone, motherfucker. He is a 6'2" proud black man. He has lots of scars, some from being a hardcore, alien fighting, don't take no shit from anyone, motherfucker, and some from gardening.
Today Jasper has killed two aliens, one was big and orange. Jasper had thought to himself "Wow that alien is big and orange... fo' shizzle."
The other alien was had red eyes and could spit fire down a man's trousers. Jasper had thought to himself "Damn, that alien has red eyes and is trying to burn off my peener."
Jasper killed them both with little or no mercy.
Luckily Jasper had never gone through puberty so the second alien could not set his special area on fire. Jasper was pleased and also thankful that his peener did not get burnt.
Why does Jasper kill aliens?
Jasper kills aliens because they are different. There is nothing wrong with picking on somebody because they are different.
How did Jasper get in to the whole alien killing industry?
Jasper's whole family was killed by an out of control band of pirate aliens when he was just a baby, he was raised by some of the more cunning monkeys in the jungle.
Which jungle were these cunning monkeys indigenous to?
The Amazon jungle. The cunning monkeys were visiting Turkey, which is where Jasper was born. When the cunning monkeys found Jasper he couldn't even walk.
Jasper couldn't walk because he was only a baby, not because the aliens had maimed him.
Why did aliens kill Jasper's family?
Aliens killed Jasper's family because there was a wise old alien soothsayer who said "In Turkey there is a family who have a baby who will become a hardcore, alien fighting, don't take shit from anyone, motherfucker. He must be killed and also his family as they may have more babies that may become hardcore, alien fighting, don't take shit from anyone, motherfuckers."
What a jerk.
Jasper's family hid him under a pile of stones when they saw they spaceship land.
Anyway enough history.
Jasper was chillin' in a bar. Touching up hoes and drinking Babycham.
Suddenly there was an explosion of toxic gases!!!!
"My bad" said Jasper. "I was trying to emu-late Goatse last night and my anus is not yet back to normal." Jasper loved hero worship.
KAAAAABLAAAAAMO!! (Or, there's was a real explosion this time)
A shot of plasma rifle shot straight past Jasper's afro, funnily enough it came from a gun exactly the same as the plasma rifle in Halo, Weird huh?
"Motherhoe! You dun' sot up my do!" bellowed Jasper "Hahahahahaha" It was an alien dressed as a hoe. The alien Leaped behind the bar smashing glasses and knocking beer taps off the bar, OH THE HUMANITY! NOT THE BEER TAPS!!!
Jasper dived to the floor and wrestled his elephant gun from his crotch, all the while the alien dressed as a hoe was laying down covering fire, so that his comrades could beam all of Jasper's hoes up to their craft. (Their craft can beam people up from inside buildings like Star Trek only with less Shatner.)
"Har har!" The evil alien dressed as a hoe laughed heartily. "Wheel c u next time Jazpa"
Jasper could tell the alien was using bad grammar.
The beam from the alien craft locked onto the bad grammar evil dressed as a hoe alien and beamed him up Scotty. I mean beamed him up. Jasper cracked one off. I mean Jasper cracked off a shot from his elephant gun but the alien was gone and he only served to destroy the ceiling of the bar.
"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum"
"Get your bitch ass outa' here Duke Nukem I'll handle this"
And so Jasper raced to his chemo-wasabi who makes all his technological alien killing devices to get a spaceship............
User Reviews
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-27 12:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some weird shit, dude !
Submitted by badglobe (user info) at 2007-07-27 11:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
....the "I've got mouths to jerk off into" made me laugh.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-04 14:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-04 07:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You lazy fucks.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-04 06:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lets have some reviews people I'm a busy man, I've got mouths to jerk off into.