usually the chicks go for a unicycle.... (1381 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ring ring ring banana phone <onewheeledfury.at.yahoo.ca> (View user info) at 2005-11-04 19:40:16 EST
Here for your enjoyment is a sad, painful tale of chicks, unicycles, Jeebus Chris himself, and two very sore balls.
It was another slow Saturday afternoon, sunny with a 50% chance of college girls. So with nothing else to do, I took the unicycle out for a ride downtown. I live in a reasonable-sized city, but I am one of the one unicyclists, which leads to a lot of stares, catcalls, and drunken college guys screaming "DO A WHEELIE!!!one!!six!"
So there I was, cruising the streets at 10 miles an hour, riding some walking trails and dropping some stairs. Everything was great. I dropped into the corner store, got a coffee, rode on out in the general direction of the church. Then I saw them. Three abso-fucking-lutely beautiful college girls walking down the sidewalk ahead of me. Unicycleman, defender of the streets, is about to score himself some ass!
I caught up to them, and with coffee still in hand, dropped of the curb, cut in front of them, took a big swig of coffee, and continued riding. I thought I was the shit then.
Of course, in hindsight, I probably looked like a dork.
I cooked it past, ignoring the "wow! a bike with one wheel!" comments, and made my way up to the front steps of the church.
I have hopped over those steps many times before, but this time, Jeebus was pissed. Just as the girls were coming into view, I went for the drop. Not today, Unicycleman.
I was holding onto the seat, my hand between my legs like I was scratching, when my wheel caught on the last step. The wheel shot out behind me, my arm followed suit, and my nuts screamed (actually I think it was me) in protest as they were steamrollered like that goddamn rat-dog that tried to chase my car the other day...
All I remember was 5 minutes of leaning against the church sign yelling something along the lines of
"SHITFUCKING MOTHERFUCKERTWATSMEAR ASSRAPING JESUS FUCKING MOTHER OF ALL ANAL TONGUEING SHITFISTING"
I remember seeing a vision of Jesus Christ himself pointing the finger at me and saying "Yo man, why you gotta be doing this shit here man? I be pitiyin da fool who unicycles on ma church."
On second thought, maybe it wasn't Jesus. He looked a little black to me.
I'm a little hazy on the details, but I think "asswaffle" was in there somewhere.
So after rolling around for a couple minutes, the college beauties caught up to me.
"Are you OK?"
"I can't feel my balls......"
Swing, and a miss.
The moral of today's story:
1. Jesus smites unicyclists.
2. Girls like guys who can still work their nuts.
3. My nuts fucking hurt.
Enjoy, a first post with (some) content.
BIte my shiny metal ass!
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-08-29 04:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that was some enjoyable random goodness!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-11-14 10:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant first post.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-11 05:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 09:01:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pleased but confused. You talk of sidewalks yet you also mention the Banana phone which was of course immortalised in British culture by the cartoon Bananaman.
Are you friend or foe?
-----------------------------------
I think in this case banana phone is from a funny as all hell song and video on teh interweb, not Bananaman.
I havne't seen Bananaman in years, I used to love that.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-11-08 22:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post.
Submitted by bigjeegro (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, laughed my balls off.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fell off my chair laughing!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
note to self...
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 23:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks. I ended up having knees surgery trying to entertain the ladies. I feel your pain.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-11-07 12:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"SHITFUCKING MOTHERFUCKERTWATSMEAR ASSRAPING JESUS FUCKING MOTHER OF ALL ANAL TONGUEING SHITFISTING"
I got written up for laughing out loud in class.
Thanks, you anal-tongueing shitfister.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-07 09:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-07 09:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post would've been a 2 had you not mentioned it was your first post.
But wait, you gave me a +2!
That's because of my weekend.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-07 09:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-05 12:35:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Are you OK?"
"I can't feel my balls......"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
This would have been so much better if you'd said, "I can't feel my balls. Can you?"
------------
I'm stealing this line.
Nice post, welcome to Uber
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 09:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pleased but confused. You talk of sidewalks yet you also mention the Banana phone which was of course immortalised in British culture by the cartoon Bananaman.
Are you friend or foe?
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-07 08:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for your post
+20 for your user name. One of the funniest things I've seen.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-06 15:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for your name.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-06 02:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the tale... another +1 just for the reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-06 00:03:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Orange you glad I read this?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-05 17:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-05 12:52:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
How this is a + anything is beyond my...never mind.
this blew
__________________
Holy shit! Shlongy -2ed a post?!?!
jeebus. next thing you know Zakalwe will be -2ing posts.
wait...
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-05 17:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you are going to persist in performing like a circus monkey, next time try juggling chainsaws.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-05 12:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How this is a + anything is beyond my...never mind.
this blew.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-05 12:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Are you OK?"
"I can't feel my balls......"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
This would have been so much better if you'd said, "I can't feel my balls. Can you?"
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 11:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-05 00:04:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-04 21:03:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:58:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:42:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST POST WITH GOOD CONTENT ALERT
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
_______________
even if you did say "first" and "post".
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2005-11-05 10:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So this guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says "How the hell did you do that?" and the guy replies,
"I dunno, but it's driving me nuts...."
yesssssss!
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-05 08:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smite is a mighty fine word...in all it's forms.
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-11-05 08:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yar...yer driving me nuts.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-11-05 08:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how hard is unicycling?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-05 00:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-04 21:03:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:58:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:42:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST POST WITH GOOD CONTENT ALERT
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
_______________
even if you did say "first" and "post".
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-11-04 23:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 bender
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-04 23:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2005-11-04 23:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey banana phone...do you live in Sacremento or Reno?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-04 21:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One wheel and two nuts? Ya been askin' fer trouble. . .
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-04 21:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:58:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:42:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST POST WITH GOOD CONTENT ALERT
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-04 21:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har my nigga~!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:42:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST POST WITH GOOD CONTENT ALERT
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST POST WITH GOOD CONTENT ALERT
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
*WOOP* *WOOP* *WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sorry for you because 1. you got your shit smashed in front of two hot girls and 2. you ride a unicycle.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great image there.
I assume banana phones are better than bananagrams?
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Asswaffle"... HA! That was classic.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-04 20:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus smites unicyclists
HA!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-04 19:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good first post.
and i TOTALLY think the unicycle thing will pay off.
one day.