Interesting Childhood Memories 2: The Angry Bard (902 hits)
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Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2005-11-06 22:39:57 EST
When you were young, you probably spent many nights in October devising new schemes to maximize candy "harvest" on Trick or Treats. There were the old classic plans: the "Wheedle, Plead, and Cry", the "Puppy Eyes" and the "Temper Tantrum", but these were overused and the people handing out candy had adapted to these; they realized they only had to pull out the old shotgun, and "Voila!" No more brat on the porch. We figured that we had to devise new tactics that the geezers couldn't handle to maximize our booty (booty as in loot you sick bastards). They build a better mouse trap. We build a rat.
One of our most successful plans was the one we dubbed "The Fallen Angel". Seeing as I was the youngest in the group, I, of course, had to assume the humiliating role. I was the Fallen Angel. And trust me, if you've ever seen a kid in only his underwear with two feathery wings strapped to his back for Halloween, congrats. You've seen humiliation in its purest form.
The plan was a simple one: They would carry out the normal routine, get their candy, when I, ever the drama queen (king?), would burst forwards and ask that they fill my pillowsack. Then the oldest one, who was dressed as the devil (purely for effect), would then shove me over and say something nasty. Then the rest of the group would run off into the night laughing their merry asses off.
While I lay there, bruised, tattered, and mentally shattered.
Then I would get reams and reams of pity candy, which I divided amongst my comrades. After about an hour of Trick-or-Treating, everyone in our group would inevitably have at least two pillowsacks filled to the brim with sugary goodness.
But I digress. This is not a tale of one of the successful plans. This is one story that I have kept locked inside of me, safe and secure. A tale of failure.
When our other plans started to lose their luster and originality (seeing an angel get pushed over on your porch every year gets old after a while), we came up with "The Bard". My friend's father was an aspiring musician, so we figured that if he were to play a little song while dressed up as a court bard, it might wash away any inhibitions one might have with handing out candy. We even sang a bit which the adults thought was oh-so-adorable. Every thing went according to schedule. First stop, lots of candy. Second stop, lots of candy, and a pat on the head (Nothing is below me when it comes to Trick-or-Treating). Third stop, they told us that we could log on to bigasspass.com with username jackoj and password fu1967 (I'm thinking of including a porn pass somewhere in each of my posts, as a trademark of sorts.) We were walking from the third to the fourth house when a man jumps in front of me and my two friends.
He wore a monkey cap and was dressed in all black. He had a small bag also filled with candy. We thought he was just another pranking Trick-or-Treater when he pulled out a knife from his pocket, and held it in "murder position" (blade below hand). He demanded that we hand over our candy. We refused and he took a step closer.
There was a moment of silence and tension as we tried to stare each other down. It sure was easy to be brave when you outnumbered your enemy.
Then we heard the LOUDEST damn chord we had ever heard. This sound could have shattered glass (and it just might have). In what seemed like a scene out of a movie, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed to the floor in a musical twang. My friend's dad stood there, eyes bulging, breathing heavily, with broken banjo in hand. While he dialed the police, we took off the mask out of curiousity. And it was then that we recognized Mr. Bartek. Mr. Bartek was known for putting up the creepiest displays and haunted houses on Halloween. It seems that he had just taken it a step further that year. The knife was a plastic one and the candy bag was the one he would hand candy out of after he scared the living daylights out of the children. We had a lot of apologizing to do.
But it wasn't a total waste. We helped ourselves to the candy that he was going to hand out. We were greedy little brats.
Isn't that what Halloween is about?
User Reviews
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-07 19:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool post. With quality writing like this i don't think you will need porn pass trademarks.
Good work.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-07 07:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad he totally fucking deserved that.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-07 00:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the treat
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-06 23:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss trick or treating.
good ideas, all.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-06 22:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like that idea.