Conversation With a Waitress (1166 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.08 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by morontian (View user info) at 2005-11-07 09:56:13 EST
So I was cruising around in my McLaren after leaving the golf course the other day and I decided that I needed something to eat. The golf was just a bitch that day, I had shot for 86 (I suck at golf) and was just in the mood to set the day behind me with some good eats. I thought about it for a little while and decided that I needed something new. I didn't know what, just someplace I had never been before.
I see this steakhouse that I've passed up a couple of times and think to myself, "Damn, a burger sounds good right now. Not some scrappy Burger King burger, a real burger. Something to really sink my teeth into." So I pull into the parking lot, stroll up to the door and let myself in. I look around and see that the place is really magnificent, lots of color and depth, and best of all, it's casual enough to allow you to seat yourself. Nice.
I walk over to an empty table and situate myself comfortably. Regardless of the pitiful golf score, I am actually in a rather chipper mood. I look around some more and see that the place is packed. There is at least one soul at every table and only one waitress from what I can tell. She's doing a great job, so I sit back and wait my turn. I get a tune stuck in my head and start to hum along and tap my foot lightly on the floor.
"May I help you, sir?" she asks as she sets a glass of ice water, a small basket of crackers and some silverware on the table.
"Yeah, I haven't really made up my mind yet though."
"Ok. Well, I've got a lot going on here, so you just let me know when you're ready."
"Ain't a problem, sweet thang."
"Heh... yeah."
She runs off to take care of something else. Away she goes and away she stays. "Hmmm... maybe I should have let her know I just wanted a burger." As I reach over to take a packet of crackers out of the basket, my eyes fall on the container holding the silverware. It's this strange plastic box type thing I've never really dealt with before. "Well, this is nice. Very sterile." I open it up and admire the simple craftsmanship involved in it's construction. I placed it back on the table and reached over to shut it again when I proved to myself what I already knew, once the box is opened, it can't be closed again. "Ah, great idea. Once opened, it's just open, there's no going back. This is a wonderful idea. Same concept as childproofing a bottle of Asprin. Well, sort of."
The waitress finally pops over to my side and says, "Sir, I really don't think the steak is right for you today."
"Excuse me?"
"The steak, sir. I really think you should reconsider your dining options."
"I... uh..." I just don't know what to say for the moment.
"You wanted the steak, did you not, sir?"
"Well, I don't know. The steak sounds good, but I was thinki..."
"Well, I would think again, sir. You see, as much as you may like the steak," she bends over slightly and lowers her voice to a hushed whisper, "and trust me, sir, you would...love...the steak," she arches her eyebrows twice and raises back to full posture, "The steak is just not on the menu for you today," she finished in a quick stream of words.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I saw your open silverware box, sir. I can see that you are obviously ready for a commitment to ordering the steak."
"Well, yes, I opened the silverware thingy, but..."
"Mmm Hmm..." she looks at me with a self-satisfied smile.
"What? Once you open it, you can't just close it. Surely you know that?"
"And have you not been implicating to me that you want the steak, sir?"
"Dude, the ice water and crackers have been the extent of our interaction so far. All I really wanted was a burger, plain and simple."
She raises her eyebrows as she folds her arms across her chest and takes a step back. "A burger," she says sounding more like she is making a statement rather than asking a question.
"Yeah, a burger."
"Everyone else wants steak," she says with a perplexed look dawning on her face.
"Just want a burger."
"Burger," she repeats back to me, looking doubtful.
"Yeah."
An easy smile starts to spread across her face as she begins to write on her notepad. "Ok! One burger coming up! How would you like it cooked? You look like a medium rare guy to me."
"Well, then I guess I must be. And of course I'd like the fries to go with that."
"Of course. And will that be all?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
Her eyes soften as she looks up from her pad. "And I'd just like to thank you for not ordering the steak, sir. If I have to deal with that from one more person today I'm going to go nuts."
"No problem, but you know what," I lean over just a bit and say with a wink: " I would be partial to a little A-1 sauce on the side if you're up for it."
So she grabs my ice water and dumps it on my head. As if that isn't enough, she then proceeds to grab a handful of crackers and crumble them up in my hair. What the hell kind of service is that, I ask you?
Sometimes... the most rudimentary transactions are the ones that get the most complicated.
Just food for thought.
User Reviews
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-07 22:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-07 19:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tongue-in-cheek fiction. The -2 givers are retarded. . .
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 golf and McLaren. It made the story that much more believable, haha.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-07 13:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-07 13:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
She was coming onto you and you didn't even know it...
... I think?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-07 12:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
one of those moments eh?
nice to see you posting.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 12:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:54:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am teh Zen. I partake of no action.
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Well, I say you are teh PUSSY! And you can't GET not action!
SO how 'bout them apples, Bruce Twee!?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-07 11:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Conversation with a Whore.
I dug this. I don't know why but I did.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-11-07 11:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Umm...wtf?
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
----------------
I think he just realised that my interpretation was loads better than his.
ZING!
Whacha gonna do now punk? huh? Whacha gonna do now?
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I am teh Zen. I partake of no action.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh...sure.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:51:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:45:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a chance.
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Oh, now we see... You're one of those 'artist' types who are above explanation. You feel you shouldn't have to explain yourself because it might compromise your artistic 'statement'...is that it?
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I think he just realised that my interpretation was loads better than his.
ZING!
Whacha gonna do now punk? huh? Whacha gonna do now?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:45:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a chance.
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Oh, now we see... You're one of those 'artist' types who are above explanation. You feel you shouldn't have to explain yourself because it might compromise your artistic 'statement'...is that it?
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a chance.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:40:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you conceited artist, authour type person! I'll make up any ending or interpretation of this piece that I want! If I want it to be a subtle statement that all men want to mash their true loves minge into burger mince then I will! If I want to think about this as proof from God almighty Himself that those cutlery boxes are the work of Shai-Hulud and to go on a massive Jihad against the manufacturers then I fucking will alright!?
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You're right. Have away at it. I'll stop camping now.
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I'm only joking mate. Camp away, indeed if you'd like to offer your intended interpretation then that would be ace.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you conceited artist, authour type person! I'll make up any ending or interpretation of this piece that I want! If I want it to be a subtle statement that all men want to mash their true loves minge into burger mince then I will! If I want to think about this as proof from God almighty Himself that those cutlery boxes are the work of Shai-Hulud and to go on a massive Jihad against the manufacturers then I fucking will alright!?
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You're right. Have away at it. I'll stop camping now.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I'm sorry to say that you only scored a 75% on this particular quiz. Thanks for playing!
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Fuck you conceited artist, authour type person! I'll make up any ending or interpretation of this piece that I want! If I want it to be a subtle statement that all men want to mash their true loves minge into burger mince then I will! If I want to think about this as proof from God almighty Himself that those cutlery boxes are the work of Shai-Hulud and to go on a massive Jihad against the manufacturers then I fucking will alright!?
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I'm sorry to say that you only scored a 75% on this particular quiz. Thanks for playing!
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry. I do apologize. I meant that in a light hearted way, I assure you. I just happen to be in a jovial mood right now.
Sorry again, guys and gals.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's quite simple really, it's a story about misunderstanding.
Basically she walks up to him and says "much as I'm sure you'd love the steak (she says suggestivly) I'm afraid you wouldn't like it" now she's trying to subtly persuade him to not have steak by employing her feminine wiles, probably because the chef is pissed at making steak. Our man is watching this and thinking about some kind of subtle sexual inuendo.
He says "I was only going to have a burger" and he may have been grinning as he said it, probably because he was at least partially thinking of exploding inside the waitresses birth canal as he has her spreadeagled across the dumpster out back. She interperets his statement "I was only going to have a burger" coupled with the sexual suggestivness (however unintended/unconsious it may have been) as "I was only hoping to explode inside a fat minger as she's spreadeagled on a dumpster", to which she flings the water over his head and we (the audience) laugh heartily at this comedy of errors.
Really Jamie your time in The Land of the Rising Cholesterol has already buggered your insight.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=metaphor
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Ah oh......
Now you've done it....
Now you've insinuated that we don't know what a metaphor is...
If I'm not mistaken, them might just be fightin' words 'round these here parts, sonny...
Careful where you tread.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=metaphor
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure what I think about it, didn't get the ending.
perhaps it is my stupidity.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:15:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
What in god's name are you on about? No, a better question might be: what are you ON?
This was well-written, but once again, I can't say I quite get it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you know what you're talking about. At least that way, I won't have to help carry you to the car and unload you at the rehab center. I get to be comfortably removed from whatever dark place you've gotten yourself into.
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Au contrare, mon frair (taking liberty with spellings, it's the American way) There is no darkness here. It's quite bright and cheery, as a matter of fact. I'll explain it to you sometime.
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
when you start off by bragging about your car...i cant go on..
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post reminded me of a dog chasing its tail.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What in god's name are you on about? No, a better question might be: what are you ON?
This was well-written, but once again, I can't say I quite get it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you know what you're talking about. At least that way, I won't have to help carry you to the car and unload you at the rehab center. I get to be comfortably removed from whatever dark place you've gotten yourself into.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this too. Was a very cool read!
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good, then good, then still good, but at the end, I was all like, "What the fuck."
The ending was kinda weird. I presume this is a (semi) true story?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good.
Submitted by Wolf (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? Must still be too early.
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea why, but I really really liked this.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry. This was just gay beyond comprehension.