Locksmith, P.I. - now with 213% more Bullshit Posturing Camwhore (1076 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.73 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-11-07 15:48:46 EST
Between today being Monday and having my teeth cleaned this morning, I'm at a bit of loss for genuine content. Look for the conclusion of "The Ballad of Supplebutt and Vaginass" to roll back up in your ass with the resurrection later this week.
Until then, choke down this POS and love my camwhore - my gift for not having shit to offer today -longtime.
Oh, by the way, don't sneeze while the hygenist is scraping your teeth with one of those merciless hooks. Today's post would have been called "Adventures in Shortening Your Life Expectancy - Sneezing at the Dentist's" had her hands not been swift enough to remove the tool from my mouth before it went a-slashing into my gums, palate and tongue and severely hindering my ability to eat normally or give good oral. There'd have been no suction tube big enough to capture the spill off, I tell you...
Good times.
"Locksmith, P.I."
I've suckled at the teat of noncompliance
And paid my way through a series of correspondance courses.
(All checks made payable to the mail order university of my choosing.)
They taught me how to be a private detective
With an option of becoming a journeyman locksmith.
Fortune has smiled upon me twofold, like siamese twins grinning at a hydrocephalic lemur at the San Diego zoo.
Wife run out on you?
Think she's bedding the Dominican poolboy?
No problem.
I'll look her up.
Did you also, perchance, lose your keys somewhere?
Don't worry,
I'll hook you up.
I go to work with these perfect, noncommittal hands,
Palms upward like Napoleon receiving an enema,
Nails curved and refined like a kukri used to sacrifice bulls in Bombay.
These bloodletting hands of mine,
With their curry-stink and catch-as-catch-can attitude,
They paw across the manilla folder
Like a bitch digging a hole for her afterbirth,
Puppies all astray on the earth next to her.
With a twist of the wrist
And a rip
I spill the details across my hardwood desk -
The details, they move like Ron Jeremy getting a raspberry from Jill St. James,
And my eyes find them.
Why hello there, pimpstick.
What's your name?
Double discount if you want a spouse hunt and a sixer of duplicates for your mailbox.
I work 24/7, like a Chinese litterbox.
I'll videotape your philandering man giving it to some girl in her socks
Dousing her she-tits with his vodka on the rocks.
I'll give you rubber-tipped keys to eliminate static shock.
I nail down windows of communication
Yet I can open any door;
I'm a complicated man, and my name isn't Shaft,
But I don't take no jive shit from anyone.
Mark me.
Mark me well:
You'll do best if you stay to one side and let me work
And help me get my jollies when I'm in the mood.
That's just the kind of guy I am.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just wondering about the beginnings of a handlebar mustache and a bitch patch...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Interpol
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-07 23:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
actually it's an 'E' for effort...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 23:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whip - If I'd had more time, it'd have been thicker. For three days without shaving, though, I'm happy with the turnout.
I needed to ditch it before heading to work this week. I do enjoy sporting it at the office from time to time, however. Keeps people on their toes.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-07 21:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You almost have a handlebar mustache (A FOR EFFORT!), and your Username is a Motorhead Album.
You forever have my Respect.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 18:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep it up and I'll see that my magic sauce has you shitting lit matches for a week, cabron.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE LYING JUST LIKE YOU LIE EVERY TIME WHEN YOU SAY, "LISTEN, BLANQUITO, THIS TIME IT'S THE MILD SALSA JUST LIKE YOU ASKED," AND I END UP GETTING BURNED!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PS - look for more caliente salsa tomorrow, gringo. Deal with my hot sauce.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I wearing a headband? Is there a painting of the Virgin Mary and/or the Sacred Heart and/or Luis Miguel and/or El Guapo behind me? Do I have a lawnmower in my hands?
Don't let the pistolas and bandoliers fool you: No soy Mexicano.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCK! YOU'RE THE MEAN GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER AT DOS AMIGOS ON POLK STREET WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME THE 'MAS CALIENTE' SALSA WHENEVER I ASK FOR MILD AND WHEN I SEE THAT I'VE BEEN FUCKED ONCE AGAIN LEANS OVER THE CASH REGISTER AND SAYS, "YOU GOT SOMETHIN TO SAY ABOUT THAT FUCKIN BURRITO, ESE?"
I HATE YOU!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's the sunglasses' fault, really. Thus the filename.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like this complete asshole I know. I mean it, the dude is a total cunt.
Relief that you aren't him!
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank You
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78546
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-07 17:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:10:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
P_Peon...when would that have been?
----------------------
It's hard to say...... I watch soooooo much porn
*wink*
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice visage, I know I am married but "not allowed to drool over various good looking men" is not in my contract.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Today Berty learned that mexican food is bad. Eating Mexican food made Berty sad.
:(
This post went some way towards undoing that hurt.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see. Any more intimate details you want to share? I'm masturbating.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who's the homo?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Only on the weekends.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I thought you couldn't pinch your nipples because you vomitted too much...which had me confused.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The post you linked. You're tweaking a nipple.
I can't compete with that, considering that I'm just standing around in the above shot.
There's no self nipple-play in mine.
Thus, you're head and shoulders above me on the Quasi-Metro Hotness meter.
I'm liable to just let you reign supreme, actually.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:08:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul - Perhaps I should have offered a shot of me in some assless chaps. I can't compete with nipple-pinching with what I've thrown up so far.
===
I don't understand ze sentenze.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
P_Peon...when would that have been?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
¡EY VATO! ¿COMO ESTAS, CABRON?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul - Perhaps I should have offered a shot of me in some assless chaps. I can't compete with nipple-pinching with what I've thrown up so far.
Teeph - I'm a little less rat-torn then the picture suggests. Sometimes, anyway.
Lawdy, if that picture isn't huge! Note to self: resize next time.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too manly for you : http://www.ubersite.com/m/64977
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ashton Kutcher called, he wants his T-shirt back.
What do you mean that joke doesn't work?
Method?
All this time, I was hoping you weren't an anter O-Man.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 you look like Caulincourt.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I could grow a fu-manchu/biker dude moustache, I'd totally do it.
Somehow I expected you to be cleaner.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There is only one way to settle this -- I challenge Caul to a runway walkoff...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul's too sexy for your post.
Too sexy for your post.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:55:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now you understand the 'Bullshit Posturing' part, Caul...
This is intentionally worthless, like most of the nonsense I throw up here.
===
It's all right, it's just a tradition to not be nice on camwhore posts.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now you understand the 'Bullshit Posturing' part, Caul...
This is intentionally worthless, like most of the nonsense I throw up here.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I guess posing like Wesney Snipes in Blade makes you look badass when you approach 16 years old. I know that's exactly what my roomate does and it's fucking ghey. He also likes to invert colors, to look more dreamy or something. You kind of look like him too.
Maybe it's you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil
War! Heh, heh, heh!
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Great
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so you are calling him a bender method?
i know his tshirt is tight but still, a little harsh no?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at 'oral'
By the way I think I have seen you nekkid.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.