Having Fun In Law-Land. (657 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.8 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drop It Like It's Disgusting<likeafallingbomb.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-07 20:06:48 EST
I hate that constant itch you get from your dress uniforms, I really do. I'm talking about those worn by Marines like myself. Yes they look wonderful, and it's great to show off your ribbons, but the itch is borderline unbearable. To the point. Shortly after I had finished my morning San-Pen (Chinese Tea from Japan. Its crazy, I know) My boss crashes into the door looking for a volunteer. He asks which of us 3 Marines in the office has our Uniforms ready. My Co-Workers' were in the laundry at the time, leaving one poor, un-expecting little guy to take whatever plague of shit they could come up with. That guy was me. As my boss is driving me to my house, I'm contemplating ways to get out of having to "get my uniform on" and getting tasked with whatever insane projects they can imagine. I find out on the ride home that I'm going to be a "bailiff" for a Court-Martial (Military Trial). I get there, they sit me in the seat, and it all goes downhill from there.
The freckle infested Sergeant looks at me. "Allright, this is your only responsibility; as the Judge opens that door, you stand at attention and say "All Rise"! Just like Television Court. Then when the Judge asks you open the door and get whichever jury member he asks for. There's a list in order of who will be in there." I complain to myself about how it's bullshit, how I shouldn't be there, then I accept it and sit down. For an hour. I don't remember ever being this board. I couldn't move from that fucking chair.
Finally, I hear the Judges door open. In full ecstasy I scream "ALL RISE". I scream this to a laughing prosecution and defense. In the door stands the human, Japanese version of Elmo. The hair, the face, that stupid gleeful smile all over her face, I was about to explode. The Japanese cleaning lady walks out of the Judges doorway with a smile on her face, looks at me and says "DAIIjobu desu ka??? (English translation - is it ok?)" I almost killed her. Her face was brighter than the sun, and mine was as red as fire. Everybody was laughing at me - all officers. Because I just made them all stand for a Japanese cleaning lady. Then, if she hadn't overstayed her welcome already, she wants to start cleaning. We are having a fucking trial, and we have Elmo the cleaning lady spraying her windex all over the place like it's the new trend.
After somebody other than me politely told her to stop (I wouldn't have been able to speak, I was too embarrassed to move), we proceeded to sit. The next time, the Judge really did get called out. I got it right, but then everything went horribly, horribly wrong again. The Judge had asked me to get a person from the board. Well apparently, my list was wrong. So as the "wrong guy" walks in, the crowd, the defense, the prosecutors, all look at me with ghostly little faces. Had someone told me I did it wrong, I would've felt bad. But they didn't, they just looked. Same thing happened with the next person I called out. They were getting mad now, and I had idea why. Then I figured it out, when the Judge yelled at me in front of the entire courtroom. Had I not been a Marine, the Judge would've gotten his ass kicked and I would've spent the night in jail. But I'm a Marine so I had to do what we always do when we get plastered with degrading words - Put my hands behind my back and said "Yes Sir, I apologize Sir." I can't really remember what happened after this, because not only did I get laughed at, stared at, yelled at, and mocked - no that's not the end. The button on my pants broke, exposing my boxers to the crowd.
At the first recess, the stenographer told me to come back in 2 hours. I looked at him, walked out the courtroom, and went back to work. I quit that fucking job. After I smoked about 10 cigarettes, I made my Lieutenant get another poor soul to take this job, because I sure as hell wasn't going back. Never volunteer for anything, ever.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whah whah whah WHAHHHHHHHHH (horns, not whining)
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-08 04:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
THATS LIKE A COCK, ONLY SMALLER! <-------best movie quote of the year.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I spent 22 years in the Air Force and truer words than these were never spoken; "Never volunteer for anything, ever".
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-08 08:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 07:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious, thank you. I really needed a good laugh.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-08 04:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THATS LIKE A COCK, ONLY SMALLER!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-07 22:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a dumbass. Not because you fucked up in court. You're a dumbass for being a Marine.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-07 22:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god has a hard on for marines.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-11-07 21:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-07 20:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks to be you.