First Post - Constructive Criticism Appreciated (699 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.22 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Atheist Embryo (View user info) at 2005-11-08 00:02:45 EST
Two symmetrical circular lights shined into one. As I approached the hill I could see a perfect circle form in the fog and my own personal sunrise was created. The light stretched out from the circle and created a plane perpendicular with the ground. My foot pressed down and the pedal hit the floor. Speeding over the hill my eyes filled with the light and for just a second I was blinded. My eyes dilated to adjust to the newfound brightness and the perfect circle began to split into two symmetrical circular lights.
When I passed the lights I thought of the stranger controlling them and wondered if they thought of me. Following the red eyes in front of my glass shield another hill approached. This was a much larger hill and it wasn't as bright. It wasn't as welcoming. This hill was a sad one. At the peak of the hill the two red eyes I had been following blinked and blended into the mixture of blue and red flashing explosions.
It was at that exact moment I realized the sound I heard quietly cutting through the air wasn't above me because I was next to the small Ocala airport. It was above me to play with the rest of the noise and chaos that this foggy night birthed. I slowed my vehicle down to avoid smashing into the already massive mess of machines and sat for a moment to take in what I was seeing.
Only a few hours ago someone was out having fun, or maybe they were working to support their family. Maybe they were cheating on their significant other or maybe they'd just met their future love. But now, after the crash, and after their almost lifeless bodies were carried by helicopter to a hospital far away I could witness the aftermath.
I parked there for a moment and the red eyes were glaring back, taunting me as they began to turn away. Again I was faced with two symmetrical circular lights. The lights passed much slower this time and a face poked out from the hole in the door. The face spoke to me and said, "You'll never get through Hun."
Left with no choice I too turned around to follow the red eyes home. I figured they knew where they were going. I was simply following. Again I was faced with the sad and unwelcoming hill. I could take the hint. It wanted me to leave and so I did. The red and blue explosions flashed in my mirrors and I felt for just a second the pain of what the others were feeling. At the peak of the hill the fog blew its smoke at me and the blue and red explosions formed the most beautiful sunset that I've ever seen.
As I approached my house an uneasy feeling settled in my stomach. A patrol car faced me as I stopped short of my driveway. I didn't need to hear what they had to say and it felt like a scene from a hollow film waiting to fall out of my skin.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-14 14:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:06:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking nice.
---------
really ironic that simple would say this.
I don't like this particular post of yours for the same reason I don't like a lot of his posts.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-23 04:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, this one struck me as a bit pretentious, but then again maybe I just didn't get it. Your talent is obvious, though, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your material.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-08 01:01:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Welcome to uber.
-2DIE
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-11-08 08:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is what a -1 looks like.
Enjoy your stay.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-08 07:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you're staring at a pair of headlights, in the distance they will appear as one light, and as they get closer they break into two lights. The way you described them seemed to be the opposite.
I agree with what most of the people said on this post.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-08 05:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
enjoy the constructive criticism - yove recieved more on your first post than i normally get in 10 posts that i ask criticism on. hopefully youve managed to put people in a 'habit' or whatever.
criticism:
the writing did not grab me, i was not interested in finishing it. some of the description is poorly done, awkward and some doesnt really make any sense. you dont need to use incongruity to make your description seem clever - sometimes the simplest manner is the most effective. also, dont be afraid to write longer sentences - yeah we have all been taught to use the full stop or 'period' more, but really, the comma and the semi-colon are great, use them more.
most importantly - less description, more story. less adjectives, more verbs.
however, its good to see someone having a shot. keep posting things along these lines - the more you write, the more skilled you will get at description, and the more you will write.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-08 05:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's been said already, but this was a very difficult read.
What may help is if you imagine yourself retelling the story to a person out aloud. If you were to do that with this story, for the most part the audience would find it hard to follow.
Try and keep it simple and flowing. By all means use descriptive language to help the reader visualise what you are trying to portray, but you've gone well overboard here.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-08 03:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I, of course, understood what the lights represented.
However the fact remains; BigMike has graciously given you the takeaway of your post.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-08 02:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A good idea as a whole, but needs tidying up.
It needs to flow better.
At the moment its disjointed and jerky?
perhaps not ideal for a surreal experience
like the one you are describing.
Think about the Character's state of mind
then convey it with appropriate meter and
descriptives. I think you could really do something with
this idea - don't shit-can it...play round with it a bit.
For me this is somewhere between 0 = worth reading and + 1
benefit of the doubt. +1
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2005-11-08 02:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe you have never seen a firework before... they are not that great.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-08 01:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a good story that was poorly written. People hate alliterations.
Submitted by Embryo (user info) at 2005-11-08 01:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love you too sir.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-08 01:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Welcome to uber.
-2DIE
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
now i'm all depressed and stuff.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bigmike said what i felt. Good first post though i did like it. Try to simplify your imagary a little maybe and let the sentances flow into each other. I find stories like this should flow with an easy read without having to stop to consider a phrase or use of a particualar word.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your imagery is confusing and awkward.
Pupils constrict with the introduction of light, they do not dilate.
It has the feel of something that was written to try and make the writer sound intelligent.
Otherwise, it was fine.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking nice.
1) don't mention it's your first post.
2) THIS IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM!!!
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-08 00:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
don't tell us it's your first post, that's as far as most of us (myself included) will get.