How the other half lives - we should all be ashamed. (1629 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.57 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-08 10:07:03 EST
I like to read people's MySpace profiles. I like the secret little glimpses into their lives. It's like when I go out and walk the neighbourhood in the middle of the night with a flashlight and look through people's windows and I see them, you know, watching TV or making coffee or fighting or kissing. Not to steal anything from them, I want to make you sure you know that. I don't want to hurt them. I just want to keep them safe.
MySpace is like that but I can do it in here, where I'm warm. There are pictures and comments and quotes and stories of their lives and oh, it gives me just the same thrill as I get that moment I realise the blinds are open and the bedside lamp is on.
I don't want to hurt anyone, I just.. I want that human contact. I want to connect. I want one of these shining happy people to look my way and say "Yes. You exist, and you are worthy."
When I creep the streets and peer into windows, I always leave something. Maybe a cigarette butt, maybe the lipstick imprint of my kiss on a bedroom window. Once I left my hairband at the doorstep of a pretty man. So pretty, he was, so pretty. Smooth and strong and graceful, and I watched him for ever so long, just to see him safe.
Online, I can't do that. I can't give them something small and personal, something to say "I am watching out for you. Nothing will harm you while I'm here." So I send emails, but people are so cruel.
So cruel.
I cry at night, as I sit here and read the few replies they deign to send.
Here are some emails I've sent, and the replies I received:
"Dear Alex,
Your wife is pretty. You're prettier. I think you are too good for her. I see you have no children. Is she infertile? That is very sad. I am fertile. I will bear you many sons. I would be a good wife. She has horse teeth. I can get rid of her if you give me your address and then we can be together."
He replied. My heart quickened when I saw his name in my in-box, but my joy was to be short lived.
"Dear Freak,
I showed my wife your email and your picture. We laughed and laughed. Then we had sex all over the house. While we laughed at you. Laughing, laughing, at the ugly you, ugly ugly ha. Don't write again, you are too ugly."
Another email I sent was to a young woman. I thought we could be friends. I do not have many friends.
"Dear Jenny,
I saw your picture. You are beautiful and very intelligent. I would like to be your friend. We can live together and have zany adventures like on the television. I will comfort you when men break up with you and we will drink coffee and have cake. I will do the laundry and you can cook and we will be so happy."
"Dear person,
LOL that is 2 funny. R U liek, from a joke webnsite?????? that wuld rock!! Tell me which 1 and i will send fanpic of my boobies! WOOO!!!11 lol"
I feel very sad.
Why are people so mean?
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 18:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are people so mean?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-02-22 14:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha too frightening
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-09 03:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-08 23:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-08 23:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a quality post and it makes me happy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fickle muse indeed
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
i get it.
i feel loved.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:28:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the fact that it's satire. Another +1 for satiring Krissi. I r
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile (+1)
-Dave
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the fact that it's satire. Another +1 for satiring Krissi. I really thought she'd go away once Tim gave her the ol' heave-ho (get it? Ho?! HAR HAR!) but since she chooses to linger instead, forcing her stuck-upitude on us all, she deserves ridicule.
I am inclined to agree with LP on this not being your best work, though. But I must say.... everything can't be our best work, or else the good stuff wouldn't be good anymore. There has to be something sub-par to compare it to.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:59:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
Can you explain the motive behind the children's shoes from last week then ? They were all kinds of creepy....
___________
Oh JESUS.
You were supposed to take them to the cops! They had enough forensic evidence on them for the police to find the kid they belonged to...
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
It was meant to be a kind of "Kidnapper taunts police with vital evidence found at last minute", not "Crazy Cat Lady locks kid in basement, kids dies of starvation trying to eat own fingers."
I am so screwed.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should join Myspace just for fun, I feel like I am missing out.
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Can you explain the motive behind the children's shoes from last week then ? They were all kinds of creepy....
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:59:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:56:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Now everytime there is some random piece of weirdness on the stoop I will wonder who was creeping in the night.
_______
No need to wonder. It was me. It's always me.
Except for when it's that guy with the chainsaw. I stay off his turf.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think uber has become an asylum. It's residents are all slowly cracking up.
Can't you FEEL it???
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you've done better.
enjoyable, none-the-less.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sniff*
...at least people talk to me on myspace...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the cut of your jib.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
People are mean because you're all retarded.
That's my theory.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm with LadyP on this one hon; it's good, but not your bestest.
*hugses*
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yes. You exist, and you are worthy."
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a quality post and it makes me happy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your wife is pretty. You're prettier. I think you are too good for her. I see you have no children. Is she infertile? That is very sad. I am fertile. I will bear you many sons. I would be a good wife. She has horse teeth. I can get rid of her if you give me your address and then we can be together."
----
horse teeth distress me. Who can eat an apple through a letter box?
That and people who are really gummy.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:56:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Now everytime there is some random piece of weirdness on the stoop I will wonder who was creeping in the night.
_______
No need to wonder. It was me. It's always me.
Except for when it's that guy with the chainsaw. I stay off his turf.
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Now everytime there is some random piece of weirdness on the stoop I will wonder who was creeping in the night.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:54:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So it was you that sent me the yahoo invite huh?
That's cool, unless you were peeking in my window... you know... when I'm wearing something that's not so flattering.
Tonight is tank top and polka dot panty night... sooooooo see you later baby!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She has horse teeth"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Priceless.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:38:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I get the joke, and I know what she's trying to say, but it just wasn't developed enough for it to really be up to Circe's standards. It just seemed like she didn't spend too much time on this, and normally, her posts do not have that quality.
And I'd be insulting both myself and Circe if I didn't rate her posts like I think they deserve to be rated, and just gave her automatic +2's that didn't mean anything. When I give her a +2, it's because she earned it by being so utterly awesome, and not because I'm kissing her glorious ass.
------------------
*strokes chin*
True, although I did specify people who did not get the joke and not the people who didn't shower it with +2. I don't know, I found the un polished approach worked well with the Alan Bennett-esqu charicature that she made. That kind of sad loser that you want to just hold and love and tell them it's ok because we all think of ourselves as sad losers to be held and loved and told that its ok. And I thought that came of this post particularly strongly.
Then agian, maybe I just want Circe to polish my rape helmut. Who knows?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I get the joke, and I know what she's trying to say, but it just wasn't developed enough for it to really be up to Circe's standards. It just seemed like she didn't spend too much time on this, and normally, her posts do not have that quality.
And I'd be insulting both myself and Circe if I didn't rate her posts like I think they deserve to be rated, and just gave her automatic +2's that didn't mean anything. When I give her a +2, it's because she earned it by being so utterly awesome, and not because I'm kissing her glorious ass.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never saw Krissi's post, but this was rather amusing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:27:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - I can't stalk you any more than I already do. I just don't have the time. The endless stream of letter-bombs addressed to your wife aren't enough?
Berty - thank you. (PS - the dutchman goes to bed early. Wink wink, nudge nudge, etc.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woo hoo! Finally a good reason to renew my passport and my magic rape helmut!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't write again, you are too ugly."
*THAT* was funny
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clearly you are misunderstood
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think the people giving this negative ratings realise the greatness of this post.
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - I can't stalk you any more than I already do. I just don't have the time. The endless stream of letter-bombs addressed to your wife aren't enough?
Berty - thank you. (PS - the dutchman goes to bed early. Wink wink, nudge nudge, etc.)
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
nice
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is both funny and human, just like all of Circe's posts. If anyone doesn't get either the gag or the statement then that is your loss, not hers.
p.s. I'd see you safe Circe, but that horrid foreigner is in the way.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you be my internet stalker?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seemed like you could have maybe done more with this than you did. I don't know, darling, but it just wasn't up to your usual insanely high standards.
Don't blame me- you're the one who sets the bar so high by writing so well all the damn time.
DON'T KILL ME I LUUUURVE YOU!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:11:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Aren't they just??
You'd think they'd be grateful for the presents. The letters, the coins, the dead animals...
---------------------
I'll take a consonant please, Carol.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think TheSpook brought some of his thoughts from another post into yours.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:11:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
"YOU'RE PLAGURISING WHICH IS ILLEGAL ON THIS GAY ASS WEBSITE!!!"
________
What the dry fuck?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-07 11:58:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE UNATTRACTIVE BUT THEY AREN'T AWARE THAT THEY'RE SUBHUMAN AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO TALK TO YOU
HAHAHAHA
---------------------------------
While I'm quite certain this was a massive piss take on that post of Krissi's, it really wasn't that funny or different to her post.
Maybe I'm missing something here.
Nevertheless, you get the same rating I dished out to Krissi.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aren't they just??
You'd think they'd be grateful for the presents. The letters, the coins, the dead animals...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"YOU'RE PLAGURISING WHICH IS ILLEGAL ON THIS GAY ASS WEBSITE!!!"
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty men are fickle creatures.