Dr. Tobes, a guide to diagnosis with no liability. (655 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2005-11-08 11:40:32 EST
"Thanks, Doc." That is what I used to say after visiting my primary physician for treatment of various ailments or having a general physical examination. But it seems that times have changed and I can't say I know what caused it. Now the appropriate phrase after being examined is "Do I need to set up the appointment or can you guys do it for me?" No matter what, they will refer you to a "specialist. Another doctor, whose specialty is broken toes or dislocated fingers, when I was younger my family Doctor could treat a sprained ankle with Popsicle sticks and some white tape. He even gave me a roll after he wrapped it up, to use on my baseball bat because "it works much better than the cheap wrapping they put on the handle at the factory, kid. Trust me, stickier grip, and the smaller handle will give you more bat speed." I never swung another bat not wrapped in tape. He was right. Why wouldn't he be? He was the Doc and he knew more than any one alive, except my Dad.
I wanted to be a doctor when I was younger, and seeing how the qualified physicians of yester-year have been replaced by adolescents who do nothing more than look you over with a curious "mmhmmm" sound emitting from their mouth, then simply refer you to someone else for a more in depth diagnosis. I feel like I could be a doctor with no medical training to speak of, except an uncanny ability to defeat opponents in a game of Operation.
Let's look at some specific examples, shall we?
Patient 1; Male, 5'10" 275 pounds. Symptoms: Sharp pain in the lower left leg and discoloration of the area......."Feels like a hundred needles sticking in the shin"...no inflammation or redness on the surface. No bite marks from a poisonous species, no indication of having been kicked in the shin by someone wearing a cowboy boot.
Dr. Tobes: "mmhmmm. Your problem is that your leg is suffering from what we like to call 'toothpick distress syndrome' basically the next step you take could snap your leg into a few hundred pieces. The pain comes from 275 pounds being put on the leg all at once with each step. Loose some weight, you fat bastard. I will refer you to a dietary specialist.... And stop smoking"
Prescription: Vicodin, Hydroxycut, and light beer.
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Patient 2, Female, 5'8" 130 pounds. Symptoms: Severe bruising and discoloring of the arms, neck and face.....Patient claims the bruising came from a car accident, running into a door, and falling down some stairs. No signs of lacerations or open wounds anywhere on the body.
Dr. Tobes: "mhmmm. Good thing all the broken glass didn't cut or scratch you. Your problem is that you are stupid. I will not believe the claims of mishaps and bad fortune, because you do not realize your husband was in here yesterday having his broken hand treated. 2+2, but I refuse to speculate as a medical professional. I wouldn't rule out other possibilities, such as dysentery, gonorrhea, the clap, snake bite, spider bite, fluid build up, spine damage, heart damage, internal blood clotting, skin irritations, varicose veins, hemorrhaging, sinus infection, strep throat, the flu, or bad dental hygiene, as the reasons for your bruising. I am going to refer you to a specialist for further diagnosis, and recommend that you see a therapist.....And stop smoking."
Prescription: Vicodin.
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Patient 3; Male, 4'8" 128 pounds (Age-12). Swelling of the right ankle....Sports related, Symptoms: discoloration, swelling, painful to the touch.
Dr. Tobes: "mmhmmm. Very possibly an ankle sprain, unable to determine whether it is a high ankle sprain or not, it certainly appears to be, but I refuse to speculate as a medical professional. I wouldn't rule out other possibilities, such as dysentery, gonorrhea, the clap, leprosy (although it is unlikely, since the foot is still attached. Early stages can be difficult to notice), snake bite, spider bite, fluid build up, spine damage, skin irritation, internal bleeding, punctured lung, liver damage, corrosion of the femoral artery, hemorrhaging, or bad dental hygiene, as the reasons. I am going to send you to the hospital for X-rays and further diagnosis.......And stop smoking."
Prescription: Crutches
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Patient 4; Female, 4'10" 88 pounds (Age 11) Symptoms: fever, stomach pain, and red, swollen tonsils.
Dr. Tobes: "mmhmmm. Possibly strep throat, I will need to take a throat culture."
Patient's Mother: "What is a throat culture?"
Dr. Tobes: "It is where I place a Popsicle stick on the tongue and hold it down while I stick a long Q-tip into the back of the child's throat and rub it around on the little hangy thing trying to acquire some specimen until she vomits all over me. Then send it to the lab for examination."
Patients Mom: "Is that really necessary?"
Dr. Tobes: "Well, at this point, I am not sure what the infection is, sure it looks like Strep throat, but viruses are sneaky little bastards and can appear to be anything and I refuse to speculate as a medical professional. I wouldn't rule out other possibilities, such as the flu, dysentery, gonorrhea, the clap, leprosy (although it is unlikely, since the throat is still attached. Early stages can be difficult to diagnose), snake bite, spider bite, fluid build up, spine damage, skin irritation, internal bleeding, punctured lung, liver damage, corrosion of the femoral artery, hemorrhaging, or bad dental hygiene. I will need to refer her to an eye, ear and throat specialist once the lab results come back.........And tell her to stop smoking.
Prescription: Penicillin. (and Benadryl because she might be allergic to the penicillin)
Who needs Medical school when you have google?
User Reviews
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-08 23:38:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the FDA. They are corrupt Nazi bastards. They are regularly sucked off my the major pharmaceutical companies and......oh, nevermind. Tobes has once again entertained me.
I <3 Tobes.
NOW GIVE ME MY GOL-DERNED EPHEDRA BACK!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
codeine and malt liquor is a good buzz
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have hit the nail on the head.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-08 13:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:43:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hydroxycut??!!
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Yeah, I think you need a doctor's prescription to get the ephedera version of anything these days.
Fucking FDA fascists. And meth dealers.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:14:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
I honestly never go to the doc unless I need stitches, my shoulder popped back in its socket or a prescription. Everything else you can research on the net.
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puss. a real man only needs a doctor for the prescription, and even scrips can be faked if you're sneaky enough.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True that Tobes.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
I honestly never go to the doc unless I need stitches, my shoulder popped back in its socket or a prescription. Everything else you can research on the net.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's about right...
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hydroxycut??!!