I'm in a music video! Well, maybe. I could be masturbatory fodder for a sexual predator. Again. (1348 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-11-08 19:05:07 EST
Uber, I need your help.
I don't watch very much television. So the next time you're watching Telemundo, Gala, or Univision, I need you to keep an eye out for me. Look for my video. I need to know that I'm not just a tool for some deviant.
You see, I was once a twelve year old child. I ran a scam, selling overpriced candy bars outside of a bank, soliciting people to help support "my school's endangered sports teams". Several of my friends were in on the same grift, and so we became familiar with the bank's perimeter security guard, Premium.
After that awkward "getting to know you" stage, Premium informed us of his musical aspirations. One day, he asked if I would play a small role in a music video he was going to market. It was to be an Al Yankovic-style parody rap (because he's beloved within the hip-hop community), and my role was to stand in the parking lot and shout out "damn that's fat!". Sure, it sounds stupid now, but I pride myself on being humble enough to sell out for a little bit of cash.
I'm sure you can imagine how it turned out. Yep, you guessed right. He was caught receiving child pornography from Holland a few short months later. Good call! Also, the police raid of his house netted several still-shot photos of my face. The cops spent a little bit of interview time before they were satisfied I wasn't molested, and that was the end of that. I wasn't traumatized by it or anything, but I was furious at the newfound joke ammo he had provided my friends. And I'll always wonder whether or not he folded my Polaroid into a gravy boat for his jilted and rejected sperm.
Now I think we're up to speed. Recently, an actor friend of mine was offered a starring role in a Spanish-language music video. He was told they might need extras, and just like that, I was on my way to my second musical performance.
We were off to a quick bad start when my friend took the freeway exit which deposits a person in East LA. My trepidation grew even greater after meeting the director, a man sporting a triangular-shaped beard, which extended from wide sideburns to fine points connecting at the corners of his mouth. He wore a puffy, v-neck pirate shirt, not dissimilar to the one Jerry Seinfeld once promoted. The open neck, of course, exposing his slick pompadour of chest hair. It was as if it could have attached itself to Andrew Dice Clay's bald spot to recreate some form of scalp Pangea.
This man was pretty disappointed when he realized that they hired my incredibly Caucasian friend to play a Latin love interest . He actually had the gall to ask me if I would be willing to play the main role myself (I have much more of a "Spanish" look.) Somehow my friend was hired without the director ever finding out what he was going to look like. I didn't feel like betraying him (and I'm the worst actor on the face of the earth), so I politely declined. The production was so cheap that they decided to use my friend anyway, rather than recast and reschedule.
It was then suggested that he pick an outfit to wear, from the clothes hanging in the store. However, the singer had not yet arrived, and she had final costume approval. The stupid whores actually refused to allow my friend to remove the tags on his clothing. In case she requested a different outfit, they would re-sell the clothing after he had already worn it.
This would not be an issue, as she arrived and agreed to his dress.
"She said the clothes are fine. Can I take the tags off now? They are itching like hell."
"Before you take them off, how about I sell you the outfit for twenty bucks?"
"I don't think so. I normally never wear clothes like this."
"Come on. A shirt and pants. Twenty bucks. Is good, yes?"
"Son of a bitch!"
He paid for his new ranch hand's costume and the shooting began. The first part of the video consists of this chick walking around clothing racks and singing her annoying song. After a minute or so of this, her eyes meet his, also a consumer at this fine clothing establishment, and she walks past him as he steps in line to pay for his shit.
This is where I enter the picture. I'm standing in front of my friend in line, and when she gives him the eye, I make a ridiculously exaggerated face, my surprise melting into awe, and step out of the way, so that he can pay for his clothes and chase after her. Because she's so hot that I'm willing to spend extra recreation time waiting in line in a Mexican clothing store, in the hopes that I might live vicariously through some stranger chasing after singing pussy. My total screen time: five seconds.
The next scene finds him leaving the store and glancing around and down the sidewalk. He looks left, then right. Oh noes! Where can she be? Wait, what's this spider on his hand? That's not a spider, it's her hand! And now she's dancing circles around him, holding his hand and spewing her gibberish. And now they're walking off together, into the mid-afternoon sun! Hoorah! (This part was especially entertaining to watch, because they had not the intelligence to actually block off the sidewalk on a crowded street in LA. People repeatedly interjected their faces into the shot, capped off by an old woman's bullet-shaped neck gizzard hanging over my friend's shoulder while the Spanish singer saranaded it.)
It has been several weeks since we filmed. I still haven't been paid, or heard a single thing about when this video is supposed to air. The incredibly amateurish nature of the production makes me question whether it will ever happen. But I'll settle for knowing the video will be used for legitimate purposes only. That director seemed pretty shaky; I can totally see him unloading on a picture of my face. Then again, I could only be acting paranoid. He would probably just masturbate to my friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-19 23:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pity +2 for all of the insults I would have hurled at you had I been given that information...and of course, if we were actually friends.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-17 16:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any use of the word "Pangea" is ok by me.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-12 11:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-12 11:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man... anyone named Premium is destined for trouble.
I'll keep an eye out for you. Maybe even an "Ayayayayay!!!" (Mexican hoopin' 'n' hollerin'.)
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:42:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being Spanish sounds like it would be a non-stop fantasy of buxom ladies and high sea adventure.
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haha.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:50:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:42:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being Spanish sounds like it would be a non-stop fantasy of buxom ladies and high sea adventure.
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Believe me, it's not.
And forget about it. He's gonna ejaculate on YOUR face, not your friend's, because remember, he was disappointed your friend looked so caucasion and YOU look Spanish.
Kicker of all ass. Is Premium in Prison?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Good question. I have no idea, but if he is in prison, it would not be because of the child pornography. That was like 13 or 14 years ago.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly Donkey.... that was MY music video, not his *scoffs*
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-11-09 11:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I saw the video, it goes a little like this.
Some mexican chick that looks alright until they pan up to her busted grill piece is eating a chimichanga with extra guac is walking trampily down a shitty street with bars on the windows of all the ranchero houses and there is a half a bath tub stood up in the front yard with a Mary in it.
Then some fucking thugs come out from the back of a patrol car and bend her over as they run train on her, then order quesodilla.
The delivery man gets shot over a three dollar mexi snack and I believe you are the punk bitch in the background mouthing, "Aios dos mios" or some shit then you turn and run away like a panty waist.
I can't remember the rest because I farted and I'm pretty sure I got an erection from it, so I beat off.
I guess you were pedophile fodder.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:58:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least they didn't have a guy in a bumblebee costume in the video.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you posting again.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-08 23:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If anyone finds the original copy of this music video on e-bay, I will gladly sacrifice my body to make sure that it is destroyed.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-08 22:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-08 21:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaa....way to be a dirty fucking Mexican.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-11-08 21:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your money is on its way to the director's twenty-seven kids, two grandparents, and three wives in Mexico via Western Union.
Thats what you get for working for spics.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-08 20:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-08 20:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SABADO GIGANTE!
A YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-08 20:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're in one of those "Telemundo" type videos with all the smokin' Telemundo babes, there's a 50/50 chance that I'll be jacking off -indirectly, of course - to you at some point after 3am on a Friday night, in the near future.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
buandooley buandoolay bueno, si?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:42:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being Spanish sounds like it would be a non-stop fantasy of buxom ladies and high sea adventure.
-----------
Believe me, it's not.
And forget about it. He's gonna ejaculate on YOUR face, not your friend's, because remember, he was disappointed your friend looked so caucasion and YOU look Spanish.
Kicker of all ass. Is Premium in Prison?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being Spanish sounds like it would be a non-stop fantasy of buxom ladies and high sea adventure.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A tinactin post with a Nerfherder review?
OLD SKOOL!
Submitted by Required_Reading (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if i have ever read a post by you or not before this one, but I must say you are quite talented.
v. funny!
+2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5 sexxxonds of glory.