Masturbating with Jesus (A Christian help forum) (4627 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.69 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-09 01:07:52 EST
Most churches and religious organisations have web sites dedicated to answering questions about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and sexual behaviour in general. All answer with advice pertaining to their particular ideologies and most are a hilarious read.
Some even go so far as to advise on ways to curb sexual desire and or abstaining from sex and masturbation. This got me thinking about a religious help site in the 18th century. The Internet of course wasn't around then but how would one have read in those days?
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Hi, I'm a girl, and I recently heard two people on a dating show talking about women masturbating internally or externally. I'm not entirely sure what they were talking about. Can you help? (age 16)
Sister Mary: I assume they mean in or outside of the church. Masturbation is bad for you. If you do it at home you will turn into a newt and if you do it in church your vagina will burst into flames, which will consume your body.
I have an erection most of the day from the time I wake. Is this normal? (age 15)
Sister Mary: Your penis is poisoned by the devil; you will have to visit your local priest so he can help get the poison out. He may require you too visit a few times a week.
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I am a female and I masturbate about once a week but I'm worried because I can fit both my hands into my vagina. Is this normal? (age 19)
Sister Mary: Only a heretic could fit two hands inside their nasty bits. This is a disgusting practice born of the devil. I'm afraid you are lost to God.
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I'm 14 and I love to think about sex. It makes me feel so good. I masturbate with the end of a paintbrush. When I achieve an orgasm, a whole bunch of clear greyish liquid comes out, why is that?
Sister Mary: God is punishing you for your disgusting behaviour. You should do something more constructive with that paintbrush, like painting your local church and have your vagina sewn shut.
My penis becomes erect about 10 times a day, it is embarrassing. What is wrong with me? (age 16)
Sister Mary: The devil is at work here. Carry a cold spoon with you at all times. When the devil is in your pants strike it hard on the tip with the spoon.
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I am 14 years old and I want to have sex but it hurts when I put my finger in. Should I try putting three fingers in?
Sister Mary: Certainly not! To use a term I read recently "your nasty bits are exit only" unless you are married to a good Christian man and are having relations to achieve pregnancy in the eyes of the lord, in which case you should feel no pleasure whatsoever.
I'm a boy and I sometimes wake with a wet sticky mess in my pants, what is it? (age 14)
Sister Mary: God has punished you for having impure thoughts during the night. If it persists into adulthood you will become the village idiot.
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I love to masturbate and I do all the time. Is that normal? It feels so good. (female, age 13)
Sister Mary: Think of the kittens you disgusting abomination.
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I go over to my mom's friend's house, and when I'm over there I like to wrestle with her son who is 14, but he always has something hard in his pants. When I feel this up against me I get wet down there. Is this normal? (age 12)
Sister Mary: Teenage boys are disgusting; he should have his testicles removed to stop the devils work in his pants. In future you should prey together instead of wrestling.
Every time I get an erection I have to masturbate to make it go away. How many times a day can I do this before harming myself?
Sister Mary: This is a disgusting practice, your penis will eventually fall off and God will punish you for this vulgarity by making you grow a vagina where your penis used to be.
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I'm a 20-year-old woman who had her first sexual intercourse at the age of 15. Since then I've been having sex with men. Is it normal that I'm getting so wet whenever I see naked women? I get this crave to have them, but I'm not lesbian but I want to try having sex with a girl. What can I do?
Sister Mary: You should visit me at my chambers for personal consultation. I feel you need help as soon as possible. Wear your best underwear.
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How can I know when I've reached orgasm? (age 15)
Sister Mary: There is no such thing as orgasm. It is a myth spread by the devil.
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Hello. I started masturbating about 8 months ago and do it about 20 times a month. Is it normal for girls to masturbate as much as guys? (age 15, female)
Sister Mary: You are possessed by a demon and should seek an exorcism.
CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIST OF OBJECTS AROUND THE HOUSE TO MASTURBATE WITH? LATELY I'M HORNY ALL THE TIME AND CAN'T SEEM TO PLEASURE MYSELF ENOUGH. (fem age 15)
Sister Mary: Try using a cross, if you bleed or start speaking in tongues; kill yourself, as you are obviously possessed.
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I've always had a large pubic bone. It juts out and makes it embarrassing to wear a bathing suit. It's not really the fat over it that makes it big; the bone itself just comes out farther than other girls. Can you tell me why this is? (age 19)
Sister Mary: You are a witch; you will be hunted down and burnt at the cross.
Somebody in my school asked me if I've got a "clean pussy." What does that mean? (age 14)
Sister Mary: It means they have a dirty mouth and will go to hell.
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I have masturbated since 5 or 6 years old and still do. I masturbate about 2 or 3 times a day, but sometimes I just do it once or twice. About a month ago I found this other web site that blamed over masturbation for memory loss, backaches, sleeping problems and other scary symptoms. I'm really terrified. Can you tell me is it true or not? How many times a week to masturbate is normal? (age 13)
Sister Mary: You are obviously the spawn of the devil. Suicide is your only saviour.
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I masturbate all the time but I feel guilty afterward. I think I'm too young to masturbate but sometimes I just have to. Should I be afraid to tell my mom about it? (age 12)
Sister Mary: You should tell your mother immediately and have her whip you when you have these depraved desires. The church condones a good beating to curb repulsive sexual practices.
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I masturbate about 5 or 6 times a day and I just started doing this for a few days. I'm constantly horny. It doesn't go away and it's kind of scary, actually. It's all I can think about and even right after I orgasm I want more. I've noticed these red bumps around my clitoris and I want to know if that's healthy. I need to keep masturbating but should I cut down to maybe 2 or 3 times a day? (age 17)
Sister Mary: You are the devil incarnate; I have dispatched the churches team of heretic police to have you publicly humiliated and burnt at the cross.
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I have never had sex before. I want to know the colour of my hymen, and can I see it by using a mirror? Where is the location of it exactly, and can I insert a thin object without hurting it? (age 20)
Sister Mary: There is a reason women cannot see their nasty bits, out of sight out of mind. I haven't seen my genitals in over 40 years.
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When I masturbate I can never get a really good orgasm that makes me want to scream. I use an electric toothbrush and it seems to feel good, but I really haven't had that mind-blowing orgasm yet. Is there any way that you can help? (age 14)
Sister Mary: Masturbating with a toothbrush is punishable by death.
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I'm a virgin. Sometimes, though, when I think about having sex with my boyfriend, I get the same feeling I get when I masturbate. Is it possible to get an orgasm without actually touching myself? (age 20)
Sister Mary: Only heretics can achieve this abomination.
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I'm an Arabic woman and here they think if you haven't got a hymen you are not a virgin. I lost my hymen in an accident. How can I hide that? (age 23)
Sister Mary: You should convert to Christianity you heathen women. God has obviously punished you.
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I am 13 years old and sometimes when I masturbate I touch a certain part of my vagina that feels good but kind of tickles. It is more on the upper part. Is this my clitoris?
Sister Mary: There is no such thing as a clitoris. If you have one you should have it removed.
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Sometimes when I wash between my legs faster then normal I get this explosive feeling of euphoria. The girls at school say this is an orgasm, is that true? (fem age 13)
Sister Mary: For god's sake, think of the kittens.
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User Reviews
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:49:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-09 16:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78654
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im going to masturbate to this
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't think they had electric toothbrushes in the 18th century...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Masturbation is bad for you. If you do it at home you will turn into a newt and if you do it in church your vagina will burst into flames, which will consume your body."
I'd still do it.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR That's a chick on the left.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:58:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:49:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them
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so was this +1 train, you ironic fucks
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is remarkably similar to those message boards...
i got bored one day and decided to take a looksee. i was desturbed.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My penis becomes erect about 10 times a day, it is embarrassing. What is wrong with me? (age 16)
Sister Mary: The devil is at work here. Carry a cold spoon with you at all times. When the devil is in your pants strike it hard on the tip with the spoon.
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this shit was great.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or then again I could be less spastic and realise it's called a genital...
DURRRRR
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 Memoranda -> 1 Memorandum
2 Bacteria -> 1 Bacterium
2 Media -> 1 Medium
2 Genetalia -> 1 Genetalium?
Just an odd query that popped in my mind.
Good post Sax.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:49:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them
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so was this +1 train, you ironic fucks
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great , you have a gift
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the devil incarnate; I have dispatched the churches team of heretic police to have you publicly humiliated and burnt at the cross.
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Genius.
-Dave
Submitted by youarewrong (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed so much I came.
Will God punish me too?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them.
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon, you kill me man.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-09 03:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another Saxon classic. Good work.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 03:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the subtle "when you masturbate god kills a kitten" reference and smiled until my penos asploded.
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-11-09 02:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gave me a good "har har."
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my! Your post makes me picture a hideous old woman in a severe black habit banging rulers on a desk telling me I'm a devil child.
Wait, naw, that was just a flashback.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn the formatting got all fucked up.
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but repetitive after about five of them.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-09 01:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your penis is poisoned by the devil; you will have to visit your local priest so he can help get the poison out. "
HAHAHAHA
now to read the rest