Maple Candy, Mutual Masterbation and Mild Camwhore (SFW, I promise) (2063 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.6 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Crystal <bandphotographer.at.email.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-09 03:53:10 EST
Dear Uber,
Today work sucked, so I took it upon myself to get a treat of happiness- maple candy. Much to my dismay, maple candy is only offered in Oregon around the holidays, so, what a treat this was! My day shone bright, the heavens parted, and in my lustful consumption of such divinity, I thought to myself, "this shit really does make me happy". After my moment of passion ended, I began thinking of other things that make me happy; (*in no particular order*) men, good music, mutual-masturbation, a good book, freshly made cookies, making-out, www.lemonparty.com, veggie-tating to Uber at night... and it hit me! Uber needs lovin'. The people of Uber have been neglecting themselves and one another too long... yes, true love, soft porn, real happiness- something to make you smile! I thought to myselft, what two things do Uber-ites live for? +2's and flattery, of course. So, I pledge this day- Whomever rates this positively, or with a killer dead baby joke that I have not yet heard, will recieve three (yep, it's true, 3) +2's and 3 compliments (even if they are silly or unwarranted ones, ex: 'Dear Shlongy, +2 on your tale, and yes, you really are the best lover in all of Uber.' or 'Bart, +2 and molest my tits, you big teddy bear!'or 'Sideburns, +2 and by the way, you really do smell nice today.' )
Okay? Awesome!
Love, Crystal (Bandphotographer)
P.S. See my attached picture to better understand the dynamics of this proposition.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:14:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
'I am a little over six feet tall, 215 pounds, healthy male. I am in good shape. Not professional athlete good shape, but there isn't a lot of weight to spare. I grew up in a family of seven kids with three of them being older brothers. Due to this, I have been on both the receiving and handing out end of my share of ass kickings. Oh, and I have a lovely German- Irish temper to really make the confrontations that I find myself in that much more fun. Berserker type yelling, flying spittle, eyes bulging out of the head, etc'
Marry Me, PLEASE!!!
+2 Fairy
----
Thank you Miss Bandphotographer? I think? I had almost given up hope on ever receiving this but now my faith in the plus two fairy is restored!!
What was it that wooed you, the flying spittle? The bulging eyes?
I'll ask the Wife if we can convert and become Mormon. Once this is done, I'll send the paperwork.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-11 10:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have to +2 this because of the SK quote early on. Blaine the pain
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-11 08:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-11 03:27:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a great personality. Many friends adore you.
+2 Fairy
------------------------
You're like my own personal Stewart Smalley.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-11 08:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-11 03:29:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me, or do you smell like heaven?
+2 Fairy
-------------------------------
I didn't get this, but thanks for the fairy +2
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-11 03:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woo Hoo, only 11 more people to go give +2 Fairy bops on the posts. (So far) I have to admit, I was hoping for more of a dead baby turn out from this... (gentle sob)
JonnyX- does 'hott' secretly mean 'not hot'? I think a part of me died over that.
Sinna- I would send you cookies too, or better yet, pineapple upside down cake, just to make you feel better.
Professional_Peon- if I come to the dark side, will you tell me a story?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you look hott
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:26:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've made it through +2ing up to Sinna, hot damn this is harder than I had expected. At this rate, the '+2 Fairy' may be backed up the next week or so! But, if you read this; Berty, Rad, Average_Dan and Schlongy... if I could, I would send you all cookies (or porn, or small children- which ever you prefer)
------------------------------
Yeah, I saw that, Cheers. By the skin of my teeth.
What do you have to do to earn some cookies and porn around here?
Fuck it, could do with some children too, I could train them to goatsee at people in the street.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and I see many linkwhores in the future.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i heart teh rabbit.
Where are my compliments?
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've made it through +2ing up to Sinna, hot damn this is harder than I had expected. At this rate, the '+2 Fairy' may be backed up the next week or so! But, if you read this; Berty, Rad, Average_Dan and Schlongy... if I could, I would send you all cookies (or porn, or small children- which ever you prefer).
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, I like random pictures of bunny rabbits.
Sorry about that comment I made about you many months ago. I was having a bad month and your cheeriness was pissing me off. I know- that's retarded and I apologise.
I have no baby jokes though.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. What is black and blue and doesn't suck dick?
A. The baby in my trunk.
Q: What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:05:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Okay, Blaine. Here comes the cruncher. Why did the dead baby cross the road?"
The mono took another one of those gigantic lurches; Eddie didn't understand how it could still stay on its track after that, but somehow it did. The screaming from beneath them grew louder; the walls, floor, and ceiling of the car began to cycle madly between opacity and transparency. At one moment they were enclosed, at the next they were rushing over a gray daylight landscape that stretched flat and featureless to a horizon which ran across the world in a straight line.
The voice which came from the speakers was now that of a panicky child: "I KNOW IT, JUST A MOMENT, I KNOW IT, RETRIEVAL IN PROGRESS, ALL LOGIC CIRCUTS IN USE-"
"Answer," Roland said.
"I NEED MORE TIME! YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME!"
Now there was a kind of cracked triumph in that splintered voice. "NO TEMPORAL LIMITS FOR ANSWERING WERE SET, ROLAND OF GILEAD, HATEFUL GUNSLINGER OUT OF A PAST THAT SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD!"
"No," Roland agreed, "no time limits were set, you are quite right. But you may not kill us with a riddle still unanswered, Blaine, and Topeka draws nigh. Answer!"
The Barony Coach cycled into invisibility again, and Eddie saw what appeared to be a tall and rusty grain elevator go flashing past; it was in his view barely long enough for him to identify it. Now he fully appreciated the maniacal speed at which they were travelling; perhaps three hundred miles faster than a commercial jet at cruising speed.
"Let him alone!" moaned the voice of Little Blaine. "You're killing him, I say! Killing him!"
"Isn't that 'bout what he wanted?" Susannah asked in the voice of Detta Walker. "To die? That's what he said. We don't mind, either. You not so bad, Little Blaine, but even a world as fucked up as this one has to be better with your big brother gone. It's just him takin us with him we been objectin to all this time."
"Last chance," Roland said. "Answer or give up the goose, Blaine."
"I...I...YOU...SIXTEEN LOG THIRTY-THREE...ALL COSINE SUBSCRIPTS...ANTI...ANTI...IN ALL THESE YEARS...BEAM...FLOOD...PYTHAGOREAN...CARTESIAN LOGIC...CAN I...DARE I...A PEACH...EAT A PEACH...ALLMAN BROTHERS...PATRICIA...CROCODILE TEARS AND WHIPLASH SMILE...CLOCK OF DIALS...TICK-TOCK, ELEVEN O'CLOCK, THE MAN'S IN THE MOON AND HE'S READY TO ROCK...INCESSAMENT...INCESSAMENT, MON CHER...OH MY HEAD...BLAINE...BLAINE DARES...BLAINE WILL ANSWER...I..."
Blaine, now screaming in the voice of an infant, lapsed into some other language and began to sing. Eddie thought it was French. He knew none of the words, but when the drums kicked in, he knew the song perfectly well: "Velcro Fly" by Z.Z. Top.
The glass over the route-map blew out. A moment later, the route-map itself exploded from its socket, revealing twinkling lights and a maze of circut-boards behind it. The lights pulsed in time to the drums. Suddenly blue fire flashed out, sizzling the surface around the hole in the wall where the map had been, scorching it black. From deeper within that wall, toward Blaine's blunt, bullet-shaped snout, came a thick grinding noise.
"It crossed the road because it was stapled to the chicken, you dopey fuck!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fucking A.
Submitted by The_T_Man (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What's the difference between a dead baby and a hockey puck?
The puck doesn't splatter when you hit it with the hockey stick.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OHMYGODS!! Scrolly ratey thingy messed up my first rating +2+2+2
Sorry. May I still have compliments?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blaine the train is mainly a pain.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-11-09 11:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
look at all the fatties
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-09 11:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:40:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Berty.
--------------
Then who the fuck am I?
------------------
This made me laugh harder than it should have. Berty has become my favorite reviewer.
That said, Crystal have a plus two. For good measure, I shall deliver one to your other post as well. Not for the bounty of +2s, really, it's because I like...fuck it, it's for the ratings. Pay up.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a perdy mouth.......
come to the darkside!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hitwhore.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty,
I meant I am 23. It was a response to your query.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:17:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Berty.
--------------
Then who the fuck am I?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could I have three randomly generated insults instead?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Rad,
You look great!
I look like Ming the Merciless.
:(
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I guess this is where I go, "You're creative and cute, so I can't negative-rate you."
You win.....this time...muahahhaaa
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish you put me next to dan, my hairline would look less receding.
GO SLIGHTLY BALDING BUT NOT REALLY 26 YEAR OLDS WOOOOOO
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish you put me next to dan, my hairline would look less receding.
GO SLIGHTLY BALDING BUT NOT REALLY 26 YEAR OLDS WOOOOOO
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah,
and Sideburns is only 21.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Berty.
(top right)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, apparently in just two posts, you figured out the shortcut to Shlongy's heart - and penis - so here's your +2 and the prerequisite "What's your thoughts on blowing me later?"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody in that picture looks 23. Which one is it?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, who is that man in the top right corner?
His alluring smile is sending waves of pleasure down my phallus.
I wonder, is it rape if you build a flux capacitor, go back to 1985 and rape your 3 year old self? More of a rhetorical question really.
Anyways, Who is this LMarie 22000 I wonder? I think it's really cool how they included their user ID # in their submitting name. That's teh roXxXor!
Auto +2 balding 23 year old!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pop pop pop
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose I have to +2 this since I'm on it.
Holy fuck I'm dead sexy.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
guy at top right looks like dave attell
he rocks......... dave attell.
not that nappy guy
whoever he is
he should
dis
app
ea
ar
r
.
.
.
.
.
.
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-11-09 06:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell *rice* in the morning ?!!??!!
As long as it's not eric rice, I think I can deal with that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:50:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it looks like I am going bald in that cropped photo.
----
It'll happen to us all eventually. It'll even happen to me.
Hey, what kind of thing should I go for when my hair starts falling out? I was thinking of radiation sickness or claimimng chemotherapy.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like how it looks like I am going bald in that cropped photo.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! another picture of me in a post.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i told you berty was going to link that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good to see you're spreading positivity.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about it Crystal2, you're still your own distinct person.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65654
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bertram's link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/65654
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:00:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, you've got me baffled, what other Crystal? Do you mean my dreary-insomnia-stupor post from last night? Different moods allow different things I guess... (I'm a cancer)
--------
There is another Crystal on this sight, she has very well defined cheeckbones and adorable little dimples. She also luuuurves me because I am ace. One day we will get married and live in a big house and she will make bread and I will come back from my job in the city and sit in the livingroom and enjoy the smell of baking bread and then we will have sunday dinner in the week and open Christmas presents everyday because we will live in the bestest house ever.
With dead hookers and everything.
Seriously though, it's a different person. Let me dig up a link...
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm, mutual-masturbation and lemonparty, sounds like a good night.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, you've got me baffled, what other Crystal? Do you mean my dreary-insomnia-stupor post from last night? Different moods allow different things I guess... (I'm a cancer)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 05:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystal reviewed my post just yesterday.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What ever happened to the other Crystal? Ah well, all good things must come to an end.
Crystal is dead! Long Live Crystal!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, aint you just the cutest
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all good.
I have a request, if you could.
review my drunken love post again please.
I liked that one.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright Rad, my computer is ghetto (shutting down my ISP every 2 minutes) but I'm working on submitting your 3rd (and last) +2... Michael, I may have to 'love on' you tomorrow, but 'shamone' none the less!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
whats with the nose in your smiley face?
oh, wait.
nevermind.
-------------------------
It's real!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whats with the nose in your smiley face?
oh, wait.
nevermind.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! Everybody likes me!
This calls for a smiley face!
:<)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy mutual masturbation.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Okay, Blaine. Here comes the cruncher. Why did the dead baby cross the road?"
The mono took another one of those gigantic lurches; Eddie didn't understand how it could still stay on its track after that, but somehow it did. The screaming from beneath them grew louder; the walls, floor, and ceiling of the car began to cycle madly between opacity and transparency. At one moment they were enclosed, at the next they were rushing over a gray daylight landscape that stretched flat and featureless to a horizon which ran across the world in a straight line.
The voice which came from the speakers was now that of a panicky child: "I KNOW IT, JUST A MOMENT, I KNOW IT, RETRIEVAL IN PROGRESS, ALL LOGIC CIRCUTS IN USE-"
"Answer," Roland said.
"I NEED MORE TIME! YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME!"
Now there was a kind of cracked triumph in that splintered voice. "NO TEMPORAL LIMITS FOR ANSWERING WERE SET, ROLAND OF GILEAD, HATEFUL GUNSLINGER OUT OF A PAST THAT SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD!"
"No," Roland agreed, "no time limits were set, you are quite right. But you may not kill us with a riddle still unanswered, Blaine, and Topeka draws nigh. Answer!"
The Barony Coach cycled into invisibility again, and Eddie saw what appeared to be a tall and rusty grain elevator go flashing past; it was in his view barely long enough for him to identify it. Now he fully appreciated the maniacal speed at which they were travelling; perhaps three hundred miles faster than a commercial jet at cruising speed.
"Let him alone!" moaned the voice of Little Blaine. "You're killing him, I say! Killing him!"
"Isn't that 'bout what he wanted?" Susannah asked in the voice of Detta Walker. "To die? That's what he said. We don't mind, either. You not so bad, Little Blaine, but even a world as fucked up as this one has to be better with your big brother gone. It's just him takin us with him we been objectin to all this time."
"Last chance," Roland said. "Answer or give up the goose, Blaine."
"I...I...YOU...SIXTEEN LOG THIRTY-THREE...ALL COSINE SUBSCRIPTS...ANTI...ANTI...IN ALL THESE YEARS...BEAM...FLOOD...PYTHAGOREAN...CARTESIAN LOGIC...CAN I...DARE I...A PEACH...EAT A PEACH...ALLMAN BROTHERS...PATRICIA...CROCODILE TEARS AND WHIPLASH SMILE...CLOCK OF DIALS...TICK-TOCK, ELEVEN O'CLOCK, THE MAN'S IN THE MOON AND HE'S READY TO ROCK...INCESSAMENT...INCESSAMENT, MON CHER...OH MY HEAD...BLAINE...BLAINE DARES...BLAINE WILL ANSWER...I..."
Blaine, now screaming in the voice of an infant, lapsed into some other language and began to sing. Eddie thought it was French. He knew none of the words, but when the drums kicked in, he knew the song perfectly well: "Velcro Fly" by Z.Z. Top.
The glass over the route-map blew out. A moment later, the route-map itself exploded from its socket, revealing twinkling lights and a maze of circut-boards behind it. The lights pulsed in time to the drums. Suddenly blue fire flashed out, sizzling the surface around the hole in the wall where the map had been, scorching it black. From deeper within that wall, toward Blaine's blunt, bullet-shaped snout, came a thick grinding noise.
"It crossed the road because it was stapled to the chicken, you dopey fuck!"
Submitted by TehMarine (user info) at 2005-11-09 04:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give ya +2 as long as I never have to see something like that again.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 03:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, FYI, I don't have photoshop, so the pic was all MS Paint and a teeny bit of Publisher... Please forgive!