I Walked Into The Kitchen (2133 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 2 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Stop Teh Voices> (View user info) at 2005-11-09 07:37:32 EST
I walked into the kitchen, the dog in his basket glared at me, the cat on the surface glared at me, the canary in his cage glared at me. I could smell the sexual tension in air, much like a cheap hooker's perfume.
The dog let out a soft growl, the cat let out a soft hiss, the canary just stared, undressing me with it's eyes.
I knew something was about to go down so I grabbed a kitchen knife from the rack to my left and brandished it like a madman.
"What's going on!?" I demanded.
The dog barked drawing my attention away from the cat, who leapt at my head. The cat dug it's sharp claws into my scalp and face and started to face fuck me!
It was clear the cat had either done this kind of thing before or the plan had been really, really well...erm... planned, because just as it shot a load down my throat the dog slipped his wang in my tradesmen's entrance.
I let out a scream, only comparable to a gibbon in heat.
In all the rape fuelled confusion I had forgotten about the knife, (ok I forgot that I wrote the knife into the story and have just remembered) "Take that you fucker!" I slashed at the cat until he let go of my head and landed on the tiled kitchen floor, unmoving.
All the while the dog was having it's wicked way with me.
"Stab stab!" I cried as I reached behind me to alleviate the dog from my anus. I managed to chop it's cock off about half way down. It let out a painful yelp and I then killed the shit out of it with my knife.
Suddenly all was quiet, I took a moment to catch my breath. I could still taste the foul kitty semen.
"chirp" I swung round to face the back door, there was the canary, he had seen it all. I knew he had to die too, but how? At this point the knife had become a tired cliché.
A million different violent deaths were running through my head when I heard a voice from my shoulder.
"Wait! Thar be only two suitable punishments far this scurvy canary!"
I turned my head and there was Berty three inches high and dressed as a pirate on my shoulder!
"Berty!" I cried in astonishment. "What are you doing here?"
"Nevermind that, ye must dispatch of this foul demon! The first way to kill it is to give it cancer, but unless you are prepared to sit for hours on end aiming the TV remote at it and yelling CANCER CANCER ye may want to consider route number two.."
"Well ok what is your second suggestion?" I asked.
"I suggest death by chocolate! Canaries are notoriously allergic to chocolate, just one bite will end him."
I decide to kill it with the knife anyway, and also Berty because he is just plain weird. I mean who turns up at the seen of animal rape dressed as a pirate?
True Story.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-07 08:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'rape fuelled confusion'
Tell me about it...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was intense.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm...d-lishis revisit.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-03 07:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It let out a painful yelp and I then killed the shit out of it with my knife.
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2005-12-03 06:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-26 13:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pop pop pop
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-11-26 13:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absofugginglutely hilarious!
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2005-11-22 16:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is by my mate and it's probably true. And i didn't just rate it a +2 because he's my mate.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-11 09:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just called TBS.
They told me this was very funny
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
Submitted by Balrog (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
o damn that was funny. Ha
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this fucking rocks.
why can't i write shit like this?
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, awesome.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by texian136 (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of my childhood.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This would have been funnier without Berty.
But then, what wouldn't?
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78654
Submitted by b0bbieb0b (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beauti fing ful!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...the canary just stared, undressing me with it's eyes."
You know, because its eyelid got stuck in your zipper.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've been trying to get my dog to do me up my arse but he won't. what's your secret please?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I mean who turns up at the seen of animal rape dressed as a pirate?"
seen....
seen....
scene....?
Aw fuck it... +2 for your name
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:01:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was obviously plagiarised...
Cheek!
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:14:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That made me laugh!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was obviously plagiarised...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 10:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for death by cancer via infared beam barrage.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stephen King would pay you for this story
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah...the good ol' 'death-by-remote' method...can't go wrong...never does.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha! +2 for that comment.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't do yourself down, it had everything.
Rape, knives, sinister looks, a car chase, a gun battle in a public school, Our Lord Berty Christ and stuff and junk.
It's immense.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought about making you a ninja. I don't know about best story evar...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nevermind that, ye must dispatch of this foul demon! The first way to kill it is to give it cancer, but unless you are prepared to sit for hours on end aiming the TV remote at it and yelling CANCER CANCER ye may want to consider route number two.."
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I would so say that. I'd never dress up as a pirate though, I have to much self respect.
Anyway, THIS IS TEH BEST STORY EVAR!