In the loving bosom of my kin (1386 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.94 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-09 12:03:54 EST
I'm not even sure why we always have our family reuinions at a camping ground. It's not as though we actually do any camping - too many of us are afraid of too many of the rest of us. To actually go to sleep, in a thin cloth tent, in the fucking dark, around all these people that smell odd and do strange things with beer cans? That's just crazy-talk.
We just gather up in the hills behind Dwellingup, have a barbeque, and terrorise each other for a few hours. I'm beginning to think it's because no-one wants to volunteer their actual house for the gathering - not only because of the possibility of wanton destruction and compulsive fire-lighting, but because then we'd know where they live and would show up every Friday, drunk and asking for money and using their bathrooms.
And the idea of having it in a public place where there are other people doesn't even cross our minds. The human race may have its flaws, but nobody deserves to be subjected to that.
Five generations gather for the annual cluster-fuck. My great-grandmother (1), my grandparents (2), my mother and her brothers and sisters and their spouses (13), their spawn and spouses (25), and our spawn (10).
Fifty one people. Or so. My math is lousy.
Half are Jehovah's Witnesses, half are cynical atheists. My Aunt Lisa won't speak to Aunt Beth ever since The Incident At The Shopping Centre. At least a third of my cousins have perfected the family tradition of drinking themselves into a coma. These are the intelligent ones, too, because this way they can sleep most of the reunion away under a bench.
I want to share with you conversations I've overheard at these family revenge-hate-misery gatherings. I have to share them with someone.
"Where's Great-Nana?"
"She went for a walk."
"She's ninety-two years old!'
"No shit, really?"
"Did you see which way she went?"
"Toward the river...."
"....."
"....."
"Want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Don't think I didn't see you, Steven! You were talking to that slut."
"She was asking about your mother's birthday."
"She always hated me because I was prettier."
"She wanted to know if we had anything planned."
"Why? Does she want to go somewhere with you if you're not busy? Did she ask you out?"
"No. Did you take your medication?"
"You just want to drug me so I keep quiet! Well I won't stand for it! DEBBIE YOU WHORE I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
There were some interesting noises for a bit. Can't comment on the actual action, because I was under a bench drinking with my brother.
"Jackie! I have to say, you look lovely! I always knew you'd turn out beautiful, just like your mother. It's been what, five years since I saw you?"
"About that. How have you been, Auntie?"
"Oh, I've been wonderful! Living every day in the bosom of the Lord, blessing His work. And you? "
"Stripping, mostly."
"I always knew you were Satan's whore. Just like your mother."
"So, I hear you're divorced?"
"Yes, it's been about a year."
"Oh, you poor thing. It must be so awful. I'd be lost with my Glen."
"It was hard, but, you know, I'm doing okay. We're still friends."
"Did he cheat on you, dear? My Glen would never do that. I'm so lucky."
"No, no, we just wanted different things."
"He wanted someone younger, is that it? Oh, you poor poor thing. I'm lucky to have kept my figure as well as I have. My Glen was saying just the other day I still look as beautiful as-"
"Your Glen is dry-humping your nieces. He can really move, can't he? SHAKE THAT SWEET ASS, BABY!"
"Look at them over there. They're like.. you know... chickens... scratching at.. stuff..."
"Yeah.... like, pecking......"
"Hehehe...."
"Wow... if you make your eyes go fuzzy you can like, pretend they're dancing..."
"Hey, cool..... fucking awesome...."
"We should dance, too..."
"Yeah..... let's dance..."
"Oh, look at that! Owen and Jenny are dancing. Aren't they sweet? They were always such good kids."
"Yeah. Pure and sweet and totally not stoned out of their gourds."
"Oh, you're such a funny girl! Always were... want a glass of wine, dear?"
"No, it's cool.. I think... I'm going to go and hang out with Owen and Jenny for a bit."
"Okay! Make sure you don't tell Owen I'm drinking wine...(titter)... he'd be shocked to know his mother was drinking alcohol."
"Uh-huh... it'd really rock his sheltered world..."
"Mummy, why is Nana naked?"
"She's... going for a swim.... she's hot..."
"Is that why she's falling down?"
"Yes."
"YOU CANNOT KISS YOUR COUSINS!"
"We were just fooling around, Mum. Sheesh, it's not like he's gonna knock me up and have inbred babies."
"YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT SCHOOL!"
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-14 12:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd pay to be at one of these.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-02-22 14:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My family are all normal... Weirdo
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-11-13 14:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like Arkansas to me...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love going to family reunions and actually 'meeting' people that I have no idea who they are, and yet, we're somehow supposed to be related.
I know I've 'met' them every year since I was a youth, but somehow all their names slip out of my mind the moment they're heard.
...so what ends up happening is, every year I get to talk to and possibly even hug people whose relation to me is a mystery, and whose names I don't know.
But, I must admit, there are a few HOT CHICKS at my family reunions!
My dad was even trying to hook me up with someone at my last family reunion! I shit you not!
I think he was just trying to live vicariously through me or something.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to work with some one who married their cousin. It came up when everyone was having a discussion about have fucking wrong it is when people marry their cousins.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the UK it's fine to marry your cousins. I encourage it.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Barefooted toothless kids drinking apple sauce through a straw, while playing the banjo.
Pick up trucks/utes driven through the car wash when its bath time
All that and more at a Circe family reunion.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-10 03:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-11-10 00:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish we'd go to parks some days for the space: we have three families in one big house after hurricane K., and none of us are related. It's not even any of our house. Some girl here is walking around in a towel, with one on her head, saying, "Did someone do something with this towel? It smells like a butt. I feel like I have an ass on my head." Your story was too funny, the vignettes perfectly displaced to capture the mayhem of the event.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting premise, but after setting up a possible feud along lines of faith, you never really used the religion angle in the dialogue vignettes. One more developed scene probably would have been significantly more effective than these brief exchanges, which don't afford much of a glimpse into the family occasions or internecine relations.
Also, some of the conversations cry out for context (a few deserve to be developed into complete pieces of flash fiction) but others are uninteresting or derivative.
And please, barbecue or BBQ; Don't mix and match letters. (I say this only because you seem to be linguistically mature enough to care about the words you use/misuse.)
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She wrote WHAT??... Oh, for Chrissakes!! ... Get my lawyer on the line!! ...Now!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is it wrong that I got an erection reading this?
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality! Your family is even more fucked-up than mine - congratulations.
You get a +2 for the Jerry Springer-esque antics and another +2 for going to Dwellingup. I'm a Perth girl and I love Dwellingup. So many trees.
So, 2+2 = 2
Doh!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where's Great-Nana?"
"She went for a walk."
"She's ninety-two years old!'
"No shit, really?"
"Did you see which way she went?"
"Toward the river...."
"....."
"....."
"Want a beer?"
"Yes."
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=
This one made me laugh good and hard.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-09 17:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel like i know you.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-09 16:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomely scary.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-09 15:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someday I am going to write a post about my family's weirdnesses. They aren't quite as impressive as yours, but I guess we can't *all* be inbred Australian lunatics, now can we.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-11-09 15:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. This is more awesome than my limited vocabulary can describe.
I remember one Christmas Eve I heard the following....
"Toby, go get your Grandma a beer sweetie, her feet are hurting again."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can the sequel be 'The skin of my loving bosom?'
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This brought several of life's age-old questions to mind:
Do people just get more and more inbred the further south you go?
If so, what must it be like in Antarctica?
How come I don't have "Redneck Wonderland" on iTunes yet?
What's the Australian equivalent of NASCAR?
Can we send you our surplus Jeff Foxworthy?
Does distilling Fosters in an old Buick radiator and cutting it with
paint solvent and lead improve it at all?
And perhaps most importantly,
Why do you keep going to those things?
Scratch that, the most important question is
Where are the naked pics of the stripper and her mom?
I suppose it's inappropriate to comment on spelling and such
in a post like this, but never let me catch you hyphenating
"no one" again. Cuz if'n Ah dew, yore daddy'n me 'r gunna
hafta give yew a right seein' tew out backa the smokehouse.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I think my family is dysfunctional, a Circe post is just a heartbeat away. *sniffle*
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHAT THE FUNK?
WAIT FOR IT
IT WILL BE HERE SOON
IT'S NEXT
THE END
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:38:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHAT THE MOTHER SHIT IS THIS?
HUH?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to hang out with Circe, seems like it would be a blast...just not at one of these sexfeasts, err, family reunions.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last family reuinion I went too a "cousin" of mine chased me around all day calling me Theresa, and asking if I was mad for not answering.
I slowly explained to her that I was not Theresa, and she would say "sorry theresa"
I wanted to kill her, and the siblings that made her.
A little fact that may be interesting (and by fact I mean someone told me and I just assumed it too be true :Middle ja-bum-fuck Pennsylvania has the highest incest rate in the US! - The reunion really hit it home for me that it might be true.
GO PA!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bear traps
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why O why can't I have your talent? Isn't fair. BITCH!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe,
I would not have taken you as a redneck woman, but that sounds a lot like the family reunion at the KOA campgrounds that I have been to. Heavy drinking is the only way to get through it, so Kudos to you!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wooooo incest
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds plausible
Submitted by texian136 (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Been known to pick up dates at reunions myself......someone elses family of course.......
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So much of this had me laughing and then...
"YOU CANNOT KISS YOUR COUSINS!"
"We were just fooling around, Mum. Sheesh, it's not like he's gonna knock me up and have inbred babies."
"YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT SCHOOL!"
...the tears started.
Superb.
-Dave
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - Exactly.
Xcuses - No. You don't. You really, really don't. You just... you don't.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you where my mum, you'd be an ace mum to have.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be invited to one of these shindigs
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee, bosom.
Now to actually read the post.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*banjo solo*