I don’t want this, I don’t choose this. Divorce sucks my ass. (4203 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.61 on 214 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-09 16:01:04 EST
If you're not interested don't waste your time or just go ahead and leave your snide nasty comment and -2 die and move on. I don't have a good reason to post this here. It's a drag, probably not that interesting, and really not all that important. I guess I'm looking for opinion, encouragement, or anything from those of you who've gone through a divorce.
My wife and I were married young, shortly before our son was born. When I asked her to marry me I told her to consider it, don't answer right away, I told her this is a life commitment for me and I want nothing less from her. I told her divorce is not an option for me, that if we were married we had to do everything in our power to see it through. I told her I did not want my son to experience divorce. She said yes, committed to doing all in her power to thwart divorce, committed to seeking outside help if need be to avoid breaking our marriage. We've been married for nine years now, most of them good. We've had some rough times for sure but overall we've done well. We've accomplished a lot together and overcome shitty landlords, family deaths, un-insured drivers fucking up our cars, poor financial decisions, and even cancer. We might not have had a perfect marriage but it's been good.
Now she has decided she can not make it work. She tells me it's not me, that there's nothing wrong with me, but she won't tell me why she feels she has to go. Never mind the promises we made to each other, never mind the promises she made to me, she has to go. In the last five months I've tried to get answers, I've tried to understand this decision, I've tried to reason with her, and of course I've tried to save our marriage. She does not want to save it. When I bring up the promises we made all those years ago she dismisses them saying she was young and can't be held responsible for making that decision then.
I've asked so many questions and, more often than not, have not really been answered. Is it something I've done? Something I don't do? She insists that I've been loving, caring, and have treated her like a queen. Um... ok. Have you met someone? No. Are you being a stupid bitch that's having an early mid life crisis and therefore can't see how incredibly dumb you're being? Alright, alright, I haven't asked that one even though I've wanted to. In short we've covered it all. She acknowledges that I've stood by her through everything we've been through and we've been through a hell of a lot together, in the next breath she says I just can't stay anymore.
I'm not ok with this; I have an eight year old who will be devastated not to mention the whole broken heart thing (emo tears). I am not happy about splitting everything we've worked so hard for, our son, our house, our debt. Financially, I will probably end up better off in the deal. Selling the house should eliminate most of the debt we have, she's committed to not asking for child support as we will have joint custody, so with the debt gone my income suddenly looks pretty damn good. I don't care about the money. I would like to keep our house though, if for no other reason than to provide my son with some continuity, he loves it there; school's close, friends next door, a nice yard to play in, he's happy.
I'm lost. My life is over (I wear black because black is the color of my soul), that one anyway. I have to start over and build a new life and I'm not quite sure how to do it. The most irritating thing is that I don't have a choice or a voice in the matter. It's not up to me. I will have to live with this woman, a woman I still love, for the rest of my life knowing she does not want me. I spent quite a bit of time depressed, and hurt. I still hurt but lately I find myself angrier than anything and I can see how divorces end up being the messy nasty creatures they are. I want to avoid that, like I said, I will have to continue working with her for most of my life; mostly I don't want this to be any harder for my son than it has to be.
Resigned to being divorced before I'm thirty, I've begun to think of what I'll do with my life. Maybe, I too will have my midlife crisis; this is a pretty good catalyst for it isn't it? Maybe I'll get a tattoo, go sky diving like I've always wanted, take my son on a snowboarding trip, and just generally have fun. It's time to write a book, write some songs (I play guitar), and pick up art again, I think I've found a need to create, in myself, while all that's going on around to me seems absolutely destructive. I'd like to say I look forward to chasing women again, in fact I do to a point, but I'm still hurt by one I love, I haven't been in the chase for over nine years, and frankly have no idea how to chase anymore so mostly I feel apprehension.
I've found more feelings in me (no, I'm not gay) then I ever thought possible. I'm disappointed in her, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I want to be vindictive but at the same time I want to show nothing but love. I'd like to make her hurt as much as I am and on the other hand just want to be as loving as possible, make my life as great as it can be and let her deal with the fact that she broke her commitments. I don't know what I want.
Lately I've spent a lot of time at the local bar. I have fun hanging out with friends and not thinking about my shitty home life. I wait until my son goes to bed and then I go out for a few hours. I don't know what I'm doing. I started playing soccer again, picked up my guitar, and began working on glass mosaics. I'm trying to find things I enjoy and anything that keeps my mind off the impending break in my life.
I hold on to hope, hope that she'll have a change of heart, even though there really isn't any left. We live together as roommates, waiting just a while longer until the house can be sold. Our son doesn't know yet but he knows something's wrong.
I don't want this, I don't choose this. Divorce sucks my ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-25 14:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-08-25 16:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing in your life that you will ever be able to truly control is how you react to what the world drops in your lap. Think on it, really.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-25 16:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
I'm terrified now.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-14 11:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Harsh man, that's just harsh.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-14 10:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've tried the big fight, didn't get me anywhere except that we both said some hurtful things that really don't serve either of us. I really don't expect to get any answers from her. I think more than anything now it's a case of I've decided this and I WILL NOT change my mind. So it's time for me to figure out how to build my new life and I guess get over it. I'm not happy about it, I worry about our son, but that's the way it is. I didn't choose this, I don't want, it doesn't matter.
Encouraging huh?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-14 10:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey thorpe - minor problem, one massive verbal fight most likely won't give you the answers you need. had a bunch of those trying to trigger whatever the hell it was that sent mine down the divorce path. "i don't know" was his favorite answer. i know someone else who's getting divorced because his wife just doesn't see them together in 20 years. so she'll probably spout a load of bullshit because she doesn't know either. or if she does, she knows it's not a good enough reason to validate any of her actions or behavior during this and won't share it. only fight if you think it'll make you feel better. most likely, it'll just give you more bad things to think about, more questions she won't/can't answer and a really sore throat. it probably won't give you any answers or relieve any real stress.
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-12 22:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She is not going to tell you. It is easier for her to just leave and not talk about it, then it is for her to face it and deal with it, so you get sacrificed for her to feel safe. No matter what reaction you have to the pain she has and will caused you, you will be faulted for it. No matter what YOU do, it will be wrong, and everything you do will be unjustified. She wants out, and nothing you do or say, or explain is ever going to make her explain to you what happened. My advice would be just to start therapy now.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-12 16:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-11-12 08:58:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
The courts are disgustingly biased when it comes to custody, so make sure you fight your end. Lots of women start of saying that they want joint custody and change their minds to full custody. Usually they win, too. Make sure you have a good home for him, the money to support him, and don't let her try and twist anything you've done/said to her advantage. It's messy and sadly cynical, but you can't leave anything to promises anymore. If she says she wants joint custody, like Anansie said (I think it was her) make her sign something so she can't go back on her word.
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I might add that the only real way you have a chance at full custody is if she has a history or drug/alcohol/physical abuse/mental problems.
other than that get her to sign joint custody if none of the above applies, especially if you make more money than her because if you two were in anyway well off, you have to support her for the "lifestyle" that you guys had during marriage.
just ask lionel ritche. hes paying his ex like $15,000 a year for plastic surgery.
fucking gay.
Submitted by MyOwnLittleWorld (user info) at 2005-11-12 09:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Skate it off
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-11-12 08:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The courts are disgustingly biased when it comes to custody, so make sure you fight your end. Lots of women start of saying that they want joint custody and change their minds to full custody. Usually they win, too. Make sure you have a good home for him, the money to support him, and don't let her try and twist anything you've done/said to her advantage. It's messy and sadly cynical, but you can't leave anything to promises anymore. If she says she wants joint custody, like Anansie said (I think it was her) make her sign something so she can't go back on her word.
It's sad how shit people have to act during a divorce, but human nature usually won't allow any other way.
Good luck, man.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-12 07:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mate, I can't comprehend this. Good luck with whatever action you do choose to take.
I agree with what c1ndy and cookielass have suggested - send your kid to his grandparents for a weekend and have a massive fight (verbal obviously) to try to get the answers. I, in any case, would not be able to handle being divorced without knowing why. Whether that's the best thing for you and her I have no idea.
Another interesting aspect to this is, at the risk of sounding a little insensitive, can you imagine waking up one morning and realizing that you just didn't feel any special connection with the person you were committed to living the rest of your life with? Even if they hadn't changed at all? I can't imagine how I'd express that to this person, or if I even would in the first place. Would you (not YOU brdn_nkd, "you" generally) be able to take that in stride and maybe see yourself as wasting your life?
I have no clear opinions on this, I'm just writing this as I type. This kind of thing worries me to all fuck, especially if it can come without warning. And I don't even have a girlfriend.
All I can say is good luck, and I hope your boy comes out of this unscathed.
Submitted by WantageJamie (user info) at 2005-11-12 07:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mate, your vunerability is admirable. all I can say is people will always let you down, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in big, they're just not consistant. Even though I don't know you my love (in a non-gay way) goes out to you, family break-ups are tragic, worse than family deaths in my opinion. The best place I know where people have found support is in the church, most people will now tell me to go take a hike (in stronger terms usually) but I am just trying to help, the love in a good church is why they have been around for thousands of years. God Bless
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-11 22:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-11 08:27:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:27:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
i would be interested in finding out; who first, suggested seeing a counselor?
***
Um.... that'd be me.
***
good answer
i'd speculate it was probably a done deal 6 months to a year prior to that
there's a superb book(i can't remember the name) that was available in the 80's,
and i'm sure quite a few more have followed
take the time to choose/buy/read one, and carry it around with you at all times
it will serve you in more ways than one
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-11-11 19:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as a still very young person, i can't say much.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-11-11 17:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Join a gym.
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-11-11 16:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too many smart ass comments flying through my head...
how's this: with modern medicine the way it is (and assuming you're under 350lbs), there's a good chance you're gonna live another hundred years. lots of time to start over dude.
every now and then some pain is the best thing... reminds you that you're really alive
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-11-11 15:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep playing soccer, soccer is the best sport of all time
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-11 12:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:24:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
These young girls place more value on the adrenaline ruch of 'in love' than the more benificial long term 'spousal love'
If someone is bitching about "I just don't feel it" after a decade then she is a shallow bitch who has fucked up values.
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I wholeheartedly agree.
so i'm 23, in love with my cheating soon to be ex husband. i've been in love with him for 5 years, he was the third marriage proposal i got in my life and the only one i said yes to. some young girls have hearts. and spousal love and in love aren't different. maybe she was never in love in the first place. but then again maybe i'm stupid for believing real, honest to god, actual, whole hearted love is forever. too bad it just doesn't go both ways most of the time. and after a child and 8 years of marriage, this woman isn't young any more. she'll find that out when she tries to date again.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-11 12:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't like that "made me smile" attached to the ranking, cuz really i mean how the fuck can this make you smile? i'm sorry. divorce sucks, but at least you're friendly about it, at least she didn't sleep with three other people and then lie to you about it. that'd make you feel dumber for still being in love with the person. you can never make them hurt the same, it just isn't possible. maybe the next guy will, but you can't. some consolation is at least you're not still trying to get all your stuff from 3000 miles away and sitting wondering when the papers will be sent for review. at least you're still talking enough to make the process go faster, or hell go at all. did you ask cuz she was pregnant? and you're right about the keeping the house for your son, uprooting will fuck him up a little. i came back from the start of my divorce a year ago to my own parents getting divorced. they'd sold their home, which i'd lived in for about 8 years and i moved into each of their houses for a period and now i switch back and forth. i'm an adult and that was hard to handle. some stability would be nice when shit happens, especially for kids. either way, good luck, and i hope both of you keep your son first before eachother and all others after this.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-11 08:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:27:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
i would be interested in finding out; who first, suggested seeing a counselor?
Um.... that'd be me. I think I mentioned that but if not it's still me.
Rad, that's an entertaining idea but I can't spend all that dough.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-11 08:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a consultataion with EVERY SINGLE divorce lawyer in town.
that way, they cannot take her case.
(I saw it on the sopranos)
Submitted by peternorth (user info) at 2005-11-11 01:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe your divorced because you jerk-off to the Dukes of Hazzard scenes with Uncle Jesse in it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck man.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i would be interested in finding out; who first, suggested seeing a counselor?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-10 23:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck, i too am a divorcee. You just need to get out there and get lots of new strange. Just be a slut for a year (or until you catch the clap). That will fix it all.
Yeah nuthin like some good sound advice.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-10 22:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so very sorry to hear this. It can't be easy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.
City girls just seem to find out early
how to open doors with just a smile.
A rich old man an' she won't have to worry,
she'll dress up all in lace an' go in style.
2.Late at night a big old house gets lonely.
I guess ev'ry form of refuge has it's price.
An' it breaks her heart to think her love is only
given to a man with hands as cold as ice.
3.So she tells him she must go out for the evening
to comfort an old friend, who's feelin' down.
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leaving.
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town.
Refrain:
You can't hide your lyin' eyes,
and your smile is a thin disguise.
I thought by now you'd realise
there ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes.
4.
On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fi'ry eyes and dreams no one could steal.
She drives on through the night anticipating,
'cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel.
5.
She rushes to his arms they fall together,
she whispers that it's only for a while.
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever,
she pulls away an' leaves him a smile.
Refrain:
...
6.
She gets up an' pours herself a strong one,
an' stares out at the stars up in the sky.
Another night it's gonna be a long one,
she draws the shade and hangs her head to cry.
7.
She wonders how it ever got this crazy,
she thinks about a boy she knew in school.
Did she get tired, or did she just get lazy,
she's so far gone she feels just like a fool.
8.
My, oh, my, you sure know how to arrange things,
you set it up so well so carefully.
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things,
your're still the same old girl you used to be.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend went through the same thing. Fortunately there were no kids to suffer for it.
She'll move on and find some prick who treats her like shit, and that's when she'll realize what a mistake she's made and she'll want you back.
Please, just don't make another mistake and take her back, you'll be a rebound and she'll leave you all over again.
Keep your chin up. You WILL survive this, and you will find happiness again.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:45:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet anything there is someone else in her life. She gets a high when thinking about this person and spending time with them. It makes her feel like she did when you two started. She thinks that's what LOVE is all about.
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This is one of the big reasons people cheat, break up, etc. People think that rush they get from being with somebody new is love. What bullshit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep your kid if she moves out. Possession is 90% of the law. The courts tend to keep the status quo. Get yourself a lawyer. Now. MickGinny might be a friggin psycho, but he know what he says.
To the commenters saying that they're shocked at the amount of sensitivity shown here: we all might act like a bunch of sarcastic assholes on here at times, but we're all still human.
That being said,
WALK IT OFF!
(Just kidding...only trying to lighten the mood.)
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:24:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
These young girls place more value on the adrenaline ruch of 'in love' than the more benificial long term 'spousal love'
If someone is bitching about "I just don't feel it" after a decade then she is a shallow bitch who has fucked up values.
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I wholeheartedly agree.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a lawyer. Don't take her word for anything. If she gives up her rights to any property, make sure she signs something.
Submitted by TheFoxy420 (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just left my husband of 6 years, but that was because he was an asshole. I understand the longterm..I wanted the longterm. There is nothing better than thinking the person you married will be with you for the longterm only to be confronted with I'm not sures, you've done nothing wrongs, and it's me not you's......Divorced at 30...not my ideal situation, but still young enough to be able to learn and grow and find someone who understands and wants what I want. What do I want: love, respect, caring, compassion, empathy, sympathy. Money holds no weight with me. We can be happy and poor or happy and rich, or we could be miserable and poor or miserable and rich. Love is the key element. Caring. Longterm love means passion may not always be there, sometimes it will seem like pure hatred, but the underlining deep seeded feeling of caring will always outway any anger. people thing marriage is easy. it's not. it's the hardest thing you will do. living with someone year after year is hard work. they get on your nerves. but when you have someone willing to do anything - pop your back zits, check out strange lumps, plunge the toilet you clogged - life is good.
you will find someone who lives under your definition of marriage and will be happier for it. right now things suck, there is nothing you can do about it. but the heart does mend and love will replace pain.
i'm sorry you have to go through this. i'm sorry i had to leave my husband too.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I did say that I am hanging out at the bar quite a bit but I am not using alcohal as a daily crutch. the achohol is secondary and many times not in my drink. I go there to hang out with friends, chat up the cute bar tender and just have some fun. Apparently I can't spell alchohal either.
I don't think joint placement is right for my son either but I don't want to give up my daily life with him and even as much as she's hurting me and she's the one choosing this I don't know how to ask her to either. I may just have to get over that and stop caring so much about her but it's kind of hard to do.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:24:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
These young girls place more value on the adrenaline ruch of 'in love' than the more benificial long term 'spousal love
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I agree with this completely. They've been brainwashed by Hollywood movies and pop songs to believe that love is some glorious thing that will bring you roses and fireworks every day. I was with my ex for 7 years and then she left me for a guy 10 years older than her. She tried to tell me that she wasn't leaving me for the other guy, but in fact our relationship just wasn't "Taking Care Of Her Needs." This was after I had supported her through out almost her entire college carrer.
Fortunately, we never had kids, nor did she want to get married. She said she didn't want to get hitched because of how badly her parents' divorce had affected her. Of course, after about a year of being with her older boyfriend, they got married.
I bet anything there is someone else in her life. She gets a high when thinking about this person and spending time with them. It makes her feel like she did when you two started. She thinks that's what LOVE is all about.
Definitely get a lawyer. You absolutely must have one. Even if it feels like a betrayal, this is for your security and for your son's. And do what I do, start drinking with college girls - It helps immensly!!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a way to express things and say I understand, but I don't.
One thing that stood out for me was the joint custody issue.
I am not sure how the law works in the US, but for the love of God, get things written in a legally binding agreement. One of my good friends had a "verbal" arrangement with his ex, which worked out fine until she remarried and moved to the other side of the world.
He has spent the last three years fighting through the courts to get his son brought back to the UK.
I know you don't really want to hear shit like this, but it needs to be said.
Sorry man.
-Dave
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, had to come back to this one. 2 things are driving me nuts:
1) "your" = possessive pronoun.
"you're" = contraction of "you are".
This Bible of reviews has this confused too many fucking times. Anyone who participated in third grade English learned the fucking difference, please stop making my eyes bleed.
2) The relationship horseshit of "if you aren't happy, you shouldn't stick around" has got to go. When you make a fucking commitment to be with someone until death, they aren't referring to the death of your cocker spaniel, or your blue strip on your razorblade. They are talking about you, the one choosing to marry FOR LIFE.
If this is too much of a commitment or a hassle, don't fucking do it. There is no justice in pursuing divorce for any reason other than mistreatment. IF there are problems, and they cannot be resolved on either side? Good, divorce can be used here. It's the mentality that divorce is an easy out that has developed society into a bunch of sheep that anticipate and expect marriages to end, rather than reacting with disappointment.
Yet another thing that I can attest to: the moment the word "divorce" becomes an active part of your lingo, it's already happened. You talk about it, you toss the idea around, you just throw it into the occasional "what if" scenario- it will inevitably turn into a reality. It's disappointing to think that it can be that easy, but I've seen it happen in more cases than just mine, and that seems to always be one sign of the end of the relationship.
Alcohol has been mentioned a lot. Take it or leave it, but what seemed to work the most for me was to deal with all of the mess as much as I possibly could- usually about five or six days- and then get drunk when I felt so consumed by my emotional roller coaster that I couldn't focus on what needed to be done any longer. Instead of using it as a way to run away from my problems, I used it to give me a few hours' peace. Not the smartest or healthiest idea still, I know, but it beats using alcohol for a daily crutch. I would end up with a clearer head and a redirection of my energies into something a bit more constructive. Maybe I'm just odd in this case, who knows.
The advice about getting laid? I can't say anything against it, I know that it helped me distract myself for quite some time. In retrospect, though, the only thing that truly helped me was my friend base. You will probably notice yourself getting much closer to your friends and close family than you were during the marriage. It will help you remake yourself while using elements that are familiar to you, and it makes things move much more smoothly.
Justin's rantastic advice is over. Please don't step on my puppy.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:10:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:04:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's official, after reading all this, I'm never getting married
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Not all women are like this. Many are but many are not.
You can recognise the good ones quite easily.
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Berty, truth be told I could easily marry the woman I am dating, and it's been just over a month
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:04:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's official, after reading all this, I'm never getting married
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Not all women are like this. Many are but many are not.
You can recognise the good ones quite easily.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT RAZOR SAID!!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's official, after reading all this, I'm never getting married
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your wife is a selfish woman.
Not because she wants to leave you, and not because she's seeing someone else (or not)... that stuff to me is irrelevant. It is NOT irrelevant in a childless marriage, but in your situation it is.
From one father to another, you know that the moment you have children, your life has become secondary to someone else's.
Your wife is placing herself above your son, which to me speaks to poor character.
I ask you as a father to please remember your child and how important he is to you, and to do your best to spare him the worst aspects of a divorce.
Lady, if you ever read this, grow some fucking stones and suck it up for your kid. To paraphrase Dennis Leary, happiness in life life isn't fairytale happiness. It's a three minute cigarette, a thirty second orgasm, and a plate of your favorite food.
You may think the grass is greener somewhere else, but you are selling your child short.
Cunt.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-11-10 11:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read the reviews below me, but as a child of three divorces (parents divoreced, then both got remarries, then both got divorced again), I can only tell you that I can sympathize with you. I have a different outlook on the matter, though.
The most important thing here is your child. That's it. The house, the money, the court battles (yes, there will be court battles)....they all don't matter now. What matters is that you reassure your child that it has nothing to do with them and that you love them.
Having experienced joint custody (1 week, 1 week) for many years, I can tell you now that it is a bad idea. Yes, the parent wants to see his/her child...but again, think about your child. Think about the confusion as she goes from mommy's house, packs up her bags and then goes to daddy's. It's very confusing for a child to deal with and I do NOT advocate the 1 week/1 week plan.
To be fair to the child, I believe the best thing is for one parent to maintain sole custody and for the other to get every other weekend or so. It seems harsh, but it is less emotionally straining on the child.
I am a world of experience when it comes to these matters, and I've been through years of therapy trying to deal with it all, so if you feel like talking, i'm here for you man.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-10 11:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teephphah, totally agree. I went into this with divorce not being an option. My wife on the other hand has decided that divorce is an option because she's "unhappy, something's missing, and she doesn't luuuurv me anymore", why she can't be happy and find all that she's looking for with me I don't really know and is one of the reasons i think she might be looking for greener pastures.
If divorce had been an option for me I would have gone a long time ago, we had a bad stretch a few years ago and life with her was horrible, this was about a year before her cancer. I was unhappy, and unsatisfied but I didn't bail. I asked for help and did everything I could to mend our relationship and things did get better. It certainly pisses me off that she can't do the same for me and she knows it.
Lately I really am more angry than anything, it's not right and it's not fair.
"fairs are for tourists kid"
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-10 11:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally get what you're saying Cookie and can honestly say I've tried that too.
End result: I said some very hurtful things, things I wish I could take back, and I still didn't get any real satisfactory answers.
As far as saving my marriage goes I am confident I have done all that I could to do so. I really don't know what else I can possibly do. Without her being open to accepting me again or even attempting to make it work it really is a done deal.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:48:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I already knew that, Cookie.
I keep trying to remind everyone how brilliant I am. It takes a while to convince some people.
The dumb ones.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Rad:
a) is absolutely correct in his statement that love and marriage have nothing to do with each other - sort of.
b) has really touched on the defining characteristic between people who WILL stay together and people who WON'T.
IF you see divorce as an option, you just might take it. Sure, you won't WANT to, but it's there if you need it. Super.
If you don't, you will realize that you WILL NOT ALWAYS luuuuurv your husband or wife. This is what's called "real life" and is to be expected. In fact, sometimes you won't like them very much at all. HOWEVER, if you do not see divorce as a way out, you WILL do what you can to fix whatever is wrong/missing/undefinable in your marriage, because the option is to simply be miserable for the rest of your life.
And if you think that someone should not be held responsible for mistakes they made while they were younger, pleae try to explain that to your mortgage lender, your credit card company or the police. If you care about someone enough to even THINK about marrying them in the first place (and maybe this is just me here) I would think that you at least owe them the respect to take your obligation to them MORE seriously than you take the one to your mortgage lender, your credit card company or your local constabulary.
In closing, I <3 Rad.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to suck your dick, Shlongy... I just like to show it in the preschool style of "Ew!! Get away from me! You have cooties!!"
C1ndy said what I was saying.... send your kid to his grandparents and have a huge fight. Let out all the hurt and anger directly at her, where it belongs, and see what comes of it. She'll either snap to, or give you the straight answer you're looking for. Being the sensitive lovey type isn't going to work, because sappiness (Sorry, Barry) makes women insane. And not in a good way. Be. A. Man.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
right and right.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-10 10:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure...I show a little empathy and now EVERYONE wants to drink a beer with Shlongy...or suck his dick.
In all honesty, I'd probably allow the chicks the whole dick sucking deal.
The peeps that have met Shlongy already knew how wonderful he....I...is...are. Whatever.
But anyway, it sucks now and there will be some tough times - you'll cry but it's OK in private - but each day...it sucks a little less.
Just surround yourself with friends. VERY important, so you don't become a pathetic zombie...like some people I know have.
Also, it's a pretty easy way to get laid...nothing wrong with a sympathy fuck. As long as the broad is hot.
Good luck and remember...it really ISN'T you! It's her.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-10 09:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not sure that I agree that love fades, instead I think it changes. Rad, as much as it might pain me (having never agreed with you on most things) I actually do agree with you here. She might not be "in love" but it really is her responsibility to make it work because of her committments, responsibility to providing the best opportunity possible for our son, and her responsibility to me. She has said she wants her son to see her happy. what she fails to grasp is that is not what our son will see, at least not for some time. I disagree with whoever said adults can't deal with this as well as children. Sure it'd be hard and wierd if my parents bailed on each other now but as an adult I could deal with it. My son, right now, needs stability, care, and love. Breaking a family apart without one of the catastrophic reasons certainly does not provide that, instead his "world" will be ripped apart and he too will have to begin a new life. He'll be ok in the end I think, kids are resilient, but it's going to be a long row to plow.
Looking at the pictures of our life all you see is happiness (granted, most people make an effort to smile for a camera but there are a lot of great memories that go with the pictures that fill in the rest of the story), it was during a trip down memory road that I wrote this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73882, when I still had hope that things could change. Someone said I'm giving in too easily, unfortunately there's nothing more I can do without some effort/reciprocation on her part. She is resistant to anything that could possibly bring us closer; counseling, retreats, hell even just going out on a date to have some fun together. I don't want to give up the fight but I really have nothing else to try unless she decides to give us a chance again.
I too might have had Schlongy pegged a little wrong. Schlong if you're headed to WI sometime let me know we'll hook up for a beer.
thanks again all. If nothing else this has been an interesting conversation and I think I have found some comfort as well as good advice.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Liked what you wrote just then about your ex berty.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im no good at that profiling thing anyhow.
So surry abour losing a client there, Berty me boy, but I'm sure we will be able to expand the business.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:56:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Blondie2, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you are a female in her early 20s. You have 2 parents that never divorced, and you are still waiting for your knight in shining armour.
I'm not trying to pigeonhole you or anything.
-------------------------
Pigonhole anyway my dear but you got me all wrong.
I'm 25, my parents split very badly when I was 6 and then my dad divorced again when i was 16, badly again, seeing a pattern. I'm not waiting for a knight in shining armour. I've been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 2 year old. He does my head in sometimes ( alright alot ) and I want to punch him in the face, but I still love him. I look at him sometimes and think 'I love you coz you make me laugh, i love you coz your beautiful, coz your you and most of all coz my little girl calls you Daddy'.
I just think you have to love someone to put up with the shit they do, if its for finanical reasons them you start to resent that person.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, man this really does suck.
The most important thing here is your boy and how he comes out of this. That said, he'll be fine kids are resiliant and there is far too much 'concern' nowadays for the fragile pshyce of the children and too little things that toughen them up.
It will be hard, it will be painful but you and your son should come through this with a stronger relationship.
As far as your wife, you'll have to get over that all on your own man, I'm sorry to say that but there is no easy way for that part to go down. The bar is fine just be careful, so long as you know where the limits are you should be fine. Solice amongst men is comforting in a caveman sort of way.
You know the email man, if you need to talk or something.
I look like an asshole but its just a disguise.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's that whole 'freedom from' principle that is also why I do not fear old age by the way.
Which gets me thinking about a post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 08:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Blondie as far as I understand it it's not love in the fairy tale way that you are alluding to. Doesn't make it any less important and meaningful, but it certainly is a little less glitzy.
I suppose the best way I can explain it is that it's not so noticable when you've got it but it sure is noticable when you haven't. At the end of the day though it's all about practicalities. Emotional stability is the key to contentment. You can't expect to be happy every waking moment for the rest of your life, that's the mistake that pill heads make, rather you should aim to be content.
You wake up in the morning and you get on with getting on, you never get lonely or depressed because as soon as those feelings begin to germinate the family bosom is there to kill that sort of thought of before it takes root. This confuses a lot of people because you don't actually feel very much, you primarily don't feel bad. You become content. I had that for just a little while, a couple of months during a 4 year relationship and I have to say it really wasn't that bad.
It wasn't sustainable unfortunatly (there where other factors besides me and her) so we decided to pack it in, but, it was really quite nice. For the first time I was living with no fear or need. It was very liberating.
"Freedom from", as my old teacher used to say.
That is something that is far better and far more enduring than the whistles and bangs of love.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blondie2, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you are a female in her early 20s. You have 2 parents that never divorced, and you are still waiting for your knight in shining armour.
I'm not trying to pigeonhole you or anything.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Luck. I'm 29 and have been married for 8 1/2 years. We've worked out loads of stuff. Make her have a massive row with you and thrash out the issues- I think you are giving in too easily!
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:35:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:27:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a really sad thought 'love fades'
-----------------
You've just got to alter you're perception of what 'love' is.
Love is sort of like intensity. That's why they say that Hate and Love are bedfellows, their opposite being indifference. It's like you love your parents but it's not like you think about them much and even if you do you don't exactly feel a surge of emotion.
If they die or something though, it hits you like a baseball bat.
That's because they;re like an emotional fixture (using Berty terminology here), a kind of permanent source of balance. Love, true love, is like that.
That firey passionate bollocks is something else. I mean you can feel that for someone you hate. There's a lot of bloke's who've posted about how shagging 'that bitch of an ex' is the best sex either of them ever has.
----------------------------------------
Thats lust not Love!
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:37:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:31:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
are you both married? not to eachother!
-------
Rad is.
I just listen to people.
-----------------------
So Rad has fallen out of love with his wife?and only stays coz he repects her?
Your still with this person for more than that, you can have repect etc if your apart and should repsect if you have children.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:30:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
fading love is a fact of life.
you can, however, fool yourself into believing it doesn't.
----------------------------
fuck me if i listened to you two i'd want to OD.
I don't think love fades and if it does then thats when things break down. you've got to be able to look at that person and think 'i still love you and thats why i keep coming home to you'. If you dont love someone then thats when the marrage starts to full apart.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:31:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
are you both married? not to eachother!
-------
Rad is.
I just listen to people.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow, the majority of uber actually have some fairly useful advice. Who'd have thunk it.
My parents are only now getting divorced after 25 years of a useless marriage. I'd love to give you advice mate but truth be told I still haven't got my head around it. This Christmas will be the first one where I have to spend the day in different households, if my dad even gets in contact by then.
It might screw the kid up, being young, but it doesn't get any easier when you're older. If anything, it's harder to process at 23. He'll adapt and learn to accept because he's young I hope, after seeing what happened to my brother at 20 falling apart because the entire base of his existance which was previous thought so solid is whipped out from under him.
Everyone thought they were so happy then >bam< metaphorical frying pan in the face.
I guess what I'm trying to say is better now than in the future. Kids can adapt to change easier than teenagers or adults.
This isn't very useful. All the best though mate, hope to read you around on uberchatter/books soon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:27:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a really sad thought 'love fades'
-----------------
You've just got to alter you're perception of what 'love' is.
Love is sort of like intensity. That's why they say that Hate and Love are bedfellows, their opposite being indifference. It's like you love your parents but it's not like you think about them much and even if you do you don't exactly feel a surge of emotion.
If they die or something though, it hits you like a baseball bat.
That's because they;re like an emotional fixture (using Berty terminology here), a kind of permanent source of balance. Love, true love, is like that.
That firey passionate bollocks is something else. I mean you can feel that for someone you hate. There's a lot of bloke's who've posted about how shagging 'that bitch of an ex' is the best sex either of them ever has.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
are you both married? not to eachother!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fading love is a fact of life.
you can, however, fool yourself into believing it doesn't.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah Rad, we rock.
Although, that doesn't mean everyone should get divorced so that their kids will turn out as ace as me and Brian. We're like the best case scenario.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a really sad thought 'love fades'
My boss has been with her husband for over 20 years and seeing them together is lovely. they've had their ups and downs, but she always says that there is no other man for her and she still loves him as she did years ago. I think thats nice.
but i agree you have to get on with someone, making eachother laugh is always good.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
definite marriage counselor material, I
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These young girls place more value on the adrenaline ruch of 'in love' than the more benificial long term 'spousal love'
If someone is bitching about "I just don't feel it" after a decade then she is a shallow bitch who has fucked up values.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean don't get me wrong, ideally you should marry someone you love but you've really got to think with your head on whether you actually get on with the person won't clash in a living situation.
It's like living with you're mates, just 'cause you like them doesn't mean you can live with them.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that 'in love' feeling where your heart goes all pitter pat goes away.
what you have left is 'spousal love' which is companionship, duty, loyalty, mutual respect.
you don't even have to like each other.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:15:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:09:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing.
Love has nothing to do with marriage.
-------------------------
That is not true.
would you get married to someone you didn't love?
-------
No, he's right. Marriage is about companionship, stability, building a home and contentment and stuff.
You marry someone you like and get on with, love fades. Ideally love should fade into liking and getting on with but it's important to remember the important stuff.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the two are mutually exclusive.
marriage is not run off of magic pixie dust and intangible concepts.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*being in* love has nothing to do with marriage.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:09:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing.
Love has nothing to do with marriage.
-------------------------
That is not true.
would you get married to someone you didn't love?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing.
Love has nothing to do with marriage.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 07:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:52:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:23:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me have I got shlongy all wrong?
Probably. Everyone does.
--------------------------
sorry love didn't mean to hurt your feelings, it will need happen again.
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who needs to be depressed when you get comments like this to make you laugh!
I think he should go with the stripper idea!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:23:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me have I got shlongy all wrong?
Probably. Everyone does.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sinister plan #1
how to overtake John Gray, PHd. in book sales without acually obtaining a PHd.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:21:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't chuck berry have a lot of issues with his family life?
that may either help or hurt business.
------
Exactly, manliness that understands feelings.
You can sit behind the desk and do all the talking like a bid cuddly death bear and I'll sort of haunt the background like the thin charachter in anime movies who is always working for the good guys but has a reserved expression and later talks with a sinister council of sinister people about killing puppies or something.
Anyway, the point is that we'll appeal to both men and women so we'll be millionairres.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:58:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
you want your kids turning out like me?
------------------------------
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Good to see you keep your sense of humour Radley, even when this is a topic which you are so passionate about.
I tell you, the post I did on marriages just gets more and more relevant.
Pretty soon it'll be so relevant, there will be relevancy police.
"Excuse me, sir. We got a report there was a relevent comment made in this area."
"Yes officer, right this way."
Fuck, I've lost my marbles.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't chuck berry have a lot of issues with his family life?
that may either help or hurt business.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:04:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, I am setting up your room RIGHT NOW then we can go out an become marriage counselors
----------
Brian & Berty experts in luuurve.
No wait, that's gay.
Brian & Berty marriage associates
No that's even worse
Berty & Brian: High Lords of Chuck Berry-esqu Manliness and Life Consultants
PhD in Kickass
There we go.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think all Uberites should pitch in and get you a stripper....just to take your mind off things
No? Well I'm just trying to help
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, I am setting up your room RIGHT NOW then we can go out an become marriage counselors
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right. I don't hold with being in a destructive (read: violence, abuse etc.) marriage.
HOWEVER not being happy is not a valid reason for the destruction of an otherwise functional familial unit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Rad for the most part, unless there is something seriously wrong involving violence, anger, or something then you've got a responsibility to your childs state of mind.
Sperating on a kid because you're bored is horseshit.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 06:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and another thing: this dude's wife says she cannot be held responsible for a decision she made when she was younger.
that is complete and total horseshit. She absolutely needs to be held accountable for tearing his family apart.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:58:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
let me put it another way.
my parents split when I was 4.
you want your kids turning out like me?
-----
OMG RAD, THAT'S WHEN MINE SPLIT! UR LEIK MY LONG LOST BROTHER OR SIMILAR! WHEN CAN I MOVE IN????
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
let me put it another way.
my parents split when I was 4.
you want your kids turning out like me?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this whole "me me me" mentality of parents is horseshit.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:38:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:46:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:35:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit Ozzy. As soon as a child enters the picture, all bets are off. TIme does not heal this motherfucking wound. trust me
<childofdivorce>
-------------------------------------
My parents split too Rad. I harbour no resentment toward them though, they have their own life to live. Why should they be miserable for the rest of their life just because I was born?
Let me ask you this, would you stay with a person you didn't love, and sacrafice an sembelence of happiness for 50+ years just because you had a child?
------------------------
Yes. As soon as the child is brought into the equation, your responsibilities shift from your own happiness to the well being of that person you are responsible for.
and whats this 50+ years? Raising an emotionally vunerable child into adulthood shouldn't take more than 18 years.
'Why should they be miserable for the rest of their life just because I was born?'''
because, they took that step. It is their responsibility to see it through and to be held accountable to that.
i fucking hate people
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i agree with ozzy but when your dealing with peoples feelings and shit, you've just got to be careful. Specially with children, as a parent you shape their lifes.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:46:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:35:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit Ozzy. As soon as a child enters the picture, all bets are off. TIme does not heal this motherfucking wound. trust me
<childofdivorce>
-------------------------------------
My parents split too Rad. I harbour no resentment toward them though, they have their own life to live. Why should they be miserable for the rest of their life just because I was born?
Let me ask you this, would you stay with a person you didn't love, and sacrafice an sembelence of happiness for 50+ years just because you had a child?
Submitted by blondie2 (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me have I got shlongy all wrong?
I think you have to not lose sight of the fact that your son is the innocent in all this. My parents were bastards when they got divorced, used us alot to get at each other. I still have issues with marriage, altho I do want to get married, I don't think I ever will after seeing what happened with my mum and dad and then with my dad and his second wife. I'm really trying not to pass this on to my little girl.
My dad went on to have a bit of a mid-life, it was like growing up in ab fab ( he went out with a girl a year older than me). On the plus side my dad has meet a woman who he's been seeing for a about 8 years and they are really happy. ( he's now 55)
You'll have no problem finding someone else and you'll prob find it works out better in the end. You seem like a nice bloke and there is a shortage of them. An your still young go have some fun!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:26:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely written but I cant help having sympathy for the girl.
=============================
sympathy for the girl is a normal male reaction. Its a genetic evolution thing where each male is subconsciously attempting to arrange a way to mate with every female they hear about.
FIGHT THE INSTINCTS
BROS BEFORE HOS or other such nonsense
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Attempt to retain full custody. Start a paper trail yesterday that you are doing everything in your power to provide and keep it together, and let her take the fall for the divorce.
reading stuff like this makes that little misogyny seed crystal bloom in my soul.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:35:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely written.
It will be hard, but the first thing you need to do is accept that your wife ain't coming back. Also accept that she is almost definitely telling you the truth, you've likely done nothing wrong. To be brutally honest, she probably wants to go out and fuck other people. Once you're over her, you'll be able to do it yourself.
Go to the bar with your mates, start playing soccer for your local club, get down to the bar by yourself and actually talk to everyone in sight, talk to people about nothing in particular. All that will get you used to meeting new people again, and then BAM!
You'll find women will want to be around you because you've got your shit together.
"Time heals all wounds." Small consolation right now, but truer words have never been spoken.
=======================================
Bullshit Ozzy. As soon as a child enters the picture, all bets are off. TIme does not heal this motherfucking wound. trust me
<childofdivorce>
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:26:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely written but I cant help having sympathy for the girl.
---------
Fair comment, but please offer up some insight. I'm seriously perplexed here and your thoughts would be most welcome.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely written.
It will be hard, but the first thing you need to do is accept that your wife ain't coming back. Also accept that she is almost definitely telling you the truth, you've likely done nothing wrong. To be brutally honest, she probably wants to go out and fuck other people. Once you're over her, you'll be able to do it yourself.
Go to the bar with your mates, start playing soccer for your local club, get down to the bar by yourself and actually talk to everyone in sight, talk to people about nothing in particular. All that will get you used to meeting new people again, and then BAM!
You'll find women will want to be around you because you've got your shit together.
"Time heals all wounds." Small consolation right now, but truer words have never been spoken.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely written but I cant help having sympathy for the girl.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-10 03:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still speechless.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-11-10 01:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having been through a large portion of this myself two years ago, all I can suggest is perseverance. You've dealt with the hardest part, really, which is the blow received when she told you of her decision. Now you just have to decide and execute a path of action.
More importantly than anything, like Monty said, show her what she lost (but don't use it in an attempt to get back with her). Let her know that you are fine without her, even if you don't feel that way yet. The greatest thing that ever happened in my life- speaking strictly on a scale of "how profitable was this for me in my own life?"- was getting divorced. Everything I was resentful about, or disappointed in, concerning my life... I fixed it all. The motivational boost of her seeing me succeed was more than enough to push me into having everything I wanted for myself, because them seeing you succeed without them is the greatest slap in the face you can give them. Without going to jail, anyway...
As another user said, just do what's right. If nothing else, you can't possibly regret your decisions when you can walk away from the whole scenario with your hands clean.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-10 00:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:12:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
(I've got two bitch-ass roommates this year who do all manner of annoying, insulting shit and it's tough but so far I've just taken it all in stride.) """
yeah 'cos that's the same.
Submitted by malbin (user info) at 2005-11-10 00:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
snide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty commentsnide nasty comment
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-11-10 00:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There have been good replies and I don't have much to add. It probably has something to do with the fact that she *knows* she could still change her mind, at any time, and you would be open to taking her back. In essence you were too good a husband for her to stay with, it's the asshole paradox.
The best you can do is to find someone else and shut the wife out of your life. Out with the old, in with the new, as they say in Memphis!
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-11-09 23:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry to hear it.
Just keep your son in mind all the time no matter what she does, and you will find yourself able to be the bigger man.
(I've got two bitch-ass roommates this year who do all manner of annoying, insulting shit and it's tough but so far I've just taken it all in stride.)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:24:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually tell people that post this kind of thing "tough shit for you" but I can relate to this one...and as bad as it is now...with time...it does get better.
The pain, which seems unbearable at times, eventually goes away, as hard as that is to believe.
It sucks when "it's not you, it's me" but the one good thing is that you have to believe that and it will help when you start chasing some new beaver.
You probably ARE a great guy and you have to believe that.
You'll be OK. Talk to friends...and that bar is a good place to hang out.
--------
I think I just gained respect for Shlongy.
What the fuck?
_______________________________________________________________
Listen to Shlongy. He ain't stupid. . .
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually tell people that post this kind of thing "tough shit for you" but I can relate to this one...and as bad as it is now...with time...it does get better.
The pain, which seems unbearable at times, eventually goes away, as hard as that is to believe.
It sucks when "it's not you, it's me" but the one good thing is that you have to believe that and it will help when you start chasing some new beaver.
You probably ARE a great guy and you have to believe that.
You'll be OK. Talk to friends...and that bar is a good place to hang out.
--------
I think I just gained respect for Shlongy.
What the fuck?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree that going to the bar is a bad idea. I disagree that it will be held against you later on. That really depends on what kind of divorce it turns out to be in the legal proceedings. But don't turn to drowning your sorrows... that doesn't actually help anything.
I understand what you mean by covering everything that you can cover, but that doesn't absolve her from her human responsibility. She owes you an explaination, and if you let her walk away without forcing the truth from her, you'll kick yourself later. It's obviously past the point of salvation, but you still deserve straight answers. It really honestly sounds like she's found someone else and just doesn't want to tell you, but I hate to jump to that conclusion with anyone I don't know personally. I fervently believe that you should stand your ground and push her, however rudely, to giving you an honest answer. She's doing no one any favours being ambiguous... what if the issue comes up in another relationship down the road? What if you lose another lover because of something you could have controlled, had you known it was an issue?
I'm sorry. I just believe in honesty, and I really despise people who can't even be honest with the ones they're closest to. It's just childish, and I'm soooo tired of adults behaving like spoiled teenagers. Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your actions. and decisions, and she's not, and that irks me. You can't just destroy someone's life and then say it's because you "don't love them like that anymore".
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually tell people that post this kind of thing "tough shit for you" but I can relate to this one...and as bad as it is now...with time...it does get better.
The pain, which seems unbearable at times, eventually goes away, as hard as that is to believe.
It sucks when "it's not you, it's me" but the one good thing is that you have to believe that and it will help when you start chasing some new beaver.
You probably ARE a great guy and you have to believe that.
You'll be OK. Talk to friends...and that bar is a good place to hang out.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Make a clean break, don't use the kid as a bargaining chip, and get on with living.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I feel so bad doing this but........
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-2VORCED BITCH!!!!!!!!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-09 16:43:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-09 16:39:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean, do things that you enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-09 16:38:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
:( sorry to head about this
take things day by day.... try to keep your head up.... enjoy yourself, like you said.
That's pretty damn funny.
___--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oops!!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-09 21:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck man, i wouldn't know how to cope with that either.
sounds like you're doing what you can.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For what it's worth, here's my advice:
Get a lawyer.
Don't go to the bars, it can and will be held against you later.
Do EVERYTHING you can to spend quatlity time with your child.
Keep a positive outlook on things (as it looks like you have.)
Know shit happens, that's life, for whatever reason she doesn't want to be with you, she just doesn't want to be with you. At least you got a bit of honesty in that she's leaving instead of dragging all of this out forever or leading you on.
You'll be fine. Strike that, you'll be great. Just do what's best for your child, and you, and keep your chin up sweetheart.
Best
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie, allow me to correct my statement. I have covered all that I can cover. I really have nothing left to say or do to try to save my marriage. Without reciprocation from her there is no more I can do. She herself admits she is being selfish. I am by no means perfect but I have done everything I could/can to take care of her and my son. I'm realizing now that I let care for myself slip a bit because of this. Sometimes I believe that she really doesn't know her reasons. I know that sounds strange but it's true. It doesn't matter anymore really because unless she decides she wants there to be a possibility for reconciliation it's not going to happen.
I agree that it's bullshit that I can not get concise, clear, or intelligble answers. She has told me she does not love me "that way anymore". I am terribly irritated by this answer since for the last year she's been wholly focused on school so we really haven't had any time together. Of course we're not going to feel connected when our only contact is to deal with the daily minutia of life. But, once again, without her putting her foot in, all I can do is dance in circles (or something).
Submitted by DropItLikeItsDisgusting (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome job.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.
It sounds like you have a good attitude despite the situation. I've never been married, but I can partially empathize based on a long relationship ended by the woman for unknown reasons. That above all else must be the most frustrating, but knowing what I do of you, I'm positive that you'll make it through just fine. Of course, that doesn't help you now, but it sounds like there are a lot of people who care for you and want you to succeed. You should be chief among those people, and regardless, I'm sure that you're a guy that your son will continue to look up to. Good luck on this.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-09 20:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When someone says, "It's not you, it's me," they are lying through their teeth.
They are not being honest, usually because they have something to hide or are
to scared to be truthful.
People are selfish. They want the best for themselves, and fuck you and the rest
of the world. Take Caulaincourt's advice: get out as soon as possible. Maybe, just
maybe, if she sees you have accepted the situation, she will rethink her position.
I wish you the best. Time doesn't make things better, just different. Sometimes
different is what it takes to get by. . .
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beg to differ, Berty, but she is. She cares more about herself and her own reasons and feelings than her husband's, who's been with her through thick and thin. She should care for him equally, and see that he needs actual answers. I hated my husband long before he finally gave me my divorce, and yet I still had the heart to explain to him, without being petty or intentionally hurtful, exactly why it was that I wanted the divorce. It's common decency. You don't destroy someone's entire world without explaining why.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-0