Swiss Army Knife, motherfucker. Respect. (1648 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-11-10 13:31:23 EST
I like to drink. I'm wacky that way. Drinking alone? Not quite so wacky. On occasion I find myself at a local bar. It's close enough to walk. I walk. I drink. I walk home. Eventful post so far, yes?
The thing is, I live in a bad neighborhood. People walking home alone at night are likely to get rolled and beaten. Then again, what did I care? You're only drunk once, right? Life was good.
Until the night the milk started to turn sour. I threw it out, then hit the bar. Bunches of stuff ensued. Then I headed home.
It started innocently enough. Four guys standing around in the dark alley I was casually strolling through. Strangely, however, they kicked my ass and took my wallet. The worst part of the whole evening was opening my front door only to discover my apartment smelled like shit. I left that fucking milk in the trash can.
I wasn't particularly concerned about it, but my girlfriend freaked out. She bought me air freshener, potpourri, and even Lysol. Oh yeah, and my dilapidated face troubled her as well. She became cautious to an irrational degree. My walls were papered with bubble wrap. Rabbis were outfitted with special muzzles to dull the edges of their pointy beards before being allowed entrance to my abode. Hell, even now I'm typing with hot dog buns strapped to each of my wrists. I feel like I have the forearms of Jeffrey Wellman. And she really didn't want me walking home from any more bars.
"I really don't want you walking home from any more bars."
"How about I skip, like those fags from the musicals?"
"Will you at least consider carrying a weapon?"
"I don't have a gun, and it's illegal to carry a knife. Something tells me it's hard to get inside places when you're carrying a bat."
"Actually, I have the perfect thing for you. I got it when I took a test drive at the Plymouth dealership. It even comes with a keychain. And it's completely legal. Check out this Swiss Army Knife."
There is a running joke going around about the Swiss army. But I'm American, so I have no idea what it is. Regardless, my girl was a liar. There was no red cross glazed on the knife's surface. This was no true product of the Swiss military. Instead, it was a cheap knockoff, with only five functions: blade, tweezers, scissors, nail file, and toothpick. But appeasing her concerns carried far greater importance than the annoyance of lugging around that piece of crap.
And a piece of crap it was. First of all, this supposed "keychain" it came with was nothing more than thin, malleable wiring. The knife repeatedly detached itself from my keys and slipped into my pocket. I had to keep it in my hand at all times, otherwise, I could find myself completely unprotected. In addition, the tiny grooves in each item were incredibly small and inconvenient, meaning I had to change my workout routine to include increasing the tensile strength in my fingernails, to prevent them from bending or cracking under the tremendous pressure. These two problems aside, the knife seemed like a reasonable tool for self-defense.
Until I actually tried to use it. A few weeks after the first attack, I saw a few of the same shadowy figures loitering in that same alley. I could have just walked around, but that would have been like a block and a half out of my way. Besides, I was surely safe; I had the knife, and they numbered only two on this occasion. They were surprised to see me.
"You again?"
"Jumanji, bitches. It's my turn to roll."
I took advantage of the split second it took them to get the reference by removing the blade and jabbing it into my assailant's abdomen. The dull blade couldn't cut cocaine, yet alone pierce his skin. I think he thought I was gay.
"Is that an erection? You want my cock? Here it is."
He actually pulled it out! Normally I would have recoiled, but this provided me with an opportunity to switch functions and come at him a new way. Out came the scissors. I was aiming for a vasectomy. There was no way I was going to allow future incarnations of this guy to rouse older versions of me. But the knife failed me again. The spring designed to keep the scissor handle from slipping out of place also denied me the cutting force I needed to detach his scrotum. By the time I had the nail file out, I was eating shoe leather. My last thought before blacking out was feeling terror at the realization that I would never be able to pull out the toothpick in time to remove the plaque from my teeth before the police found the corpse.
I awoke in the alley, with the bitter taste of spinal fluid leaking into my mouth. I limped home and looked at my bruised face in the mirror. It represented everything that was wrong with me: the inability to defend myself from these guys (yeah, that's pretty much everything). I hated it. I attempted to cut off my nose in retaliation, but the dull blade failed me again. I received nothing more dangerous than a scratch mustache. I called my girlfriend for a pity blow job before she drove me to the hospital.
In the months of physical recuperation to follow, I analyzed the knife's strengths and weaknesses. Then, I planned battle strategies to maximize them. I would never again make the mistake of being unprepared.
When I was ready, I went looking for them. Same alley. Same BAC. Same motherfucking knife. All four of them were in play.
As soon as one of them opened his mouth to say something smarmy, I flipped the toothpick out like a blackjack dealer, right into his mouth. I had laced it with gum disease. Gingivitis. The poor bastard would be on a Listerine drip for the rest of his life. He scampered off to find a sink.
I was left with three men in my path. I took a swipe at one of them with the scissors, missing badly. He stepped in to counterpunch when the recoiled handle from the spring struck him in the face, knocking him out cold. Another man had circled around to attack me from behind. I had the tweezers out, pulling his left eye away at the retina. With only a single functioning eye, the man lost his depth perception. Instead of grabbing me, he reached out and fell flat on his face. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him flop around like a guppy.
That left me with only a single opponent. His hand shot toward my throat, but the nail file was quicker. File this under: soft, perfectly rounded fingernails. Without the ability to scratch, he was useless as a fighter. I beat him down quite easily.
Then I went home for a victory blow job. It was a lot like a pity BJ. Except I'm pretty sure this time the spinal fluid was hers.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-14 07:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2005-11-14 07:31:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fuckin' great. It's going straight to the pool room. (The aussies will know what I mean)
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Ahhhhhh the serenity
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Dad loved the powerlines. He said they reminded him of man's ability to generate electricity.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-14 07:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You missed out on the chance to give one of them a fairly savage bruising with the blade.
Awesome, a whole bunch of new phrases I can accidentally use in real life so that people stare at me.
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2005-11-14 07:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fuckin' great. It's going straight to the pool room. (The aussies will know what I mean)
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Ahhhhhh the serenity
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-14 06:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh he heh hehe heh heh hehe he heh heh heh heh
You said 'chode'.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-14 06:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-14 04:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
good writing. just there's no way this is real.
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Who says a STORY has to be real. You're giving him a +1 just for being fictional? It could be a worse rating, yes. But you're a chode.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-14 06:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-14 04:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
good writing. just there's no way this is real.
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You goofy motherfucker.
Submitted by magical_invisible_torso_man (user info) at 2005-11-14 06:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bahahahhaaaahaha, classic
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fuckin' great. It's going straight to the pool room. (The aussies will know what I mean)
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atleast give them a link http://www.infilm.com.au/reviews/thecastle.htm
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-14 05:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-14 04:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
good writing. just there's no way this is real.
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aaaaahahahahaha. fuckin idiot.
funny story.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-14 04:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I nearly came.
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-14 04:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good writing. just there's no way this is real.
Submitted by fusion88 (user info) at 2005-11-14 03:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-12 14:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by earthboundangel (user info) at 2005-11-11 19:07:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
i am not jimthefiend
I have no idea what you're talking about, but thanks for ruining my post.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-12 11:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, great post!
...laced it with gum disease. Awesome.
Submitted by earthboundangel (user info) at 2005-11-11 19:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i am not jimthefiend
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-11 18:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-11 16:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shoulda went with the corkscrew - put the knife in your fist, with the corkscrew protruding from between your second and third fingers..
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Respect.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-11 06:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fuckin' great. It's going straight to the pool room. (The aussies will know what I mean)
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-11-11 03:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man, im sitting in an internet cafe in osaka and ive just about stopped crying with laughter, people are still staring! but all worth it! the funniest thing ive ever read!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Epic.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-10 22:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-10 22:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, this was priceless!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-10 20:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha!
Gooooooollllld!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-10 18:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Diamond in the Rough.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great man.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post feels like Mozart...beautiful
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:54:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jumanji, bitches!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:17:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a god amongst men, and you were worried about this?
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I have a hard time being able to tell what's funny. If something is funny to me, it doesn't necessarily mean other people will find it funny. That's why I need you to bounce off my ideas.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2005-11-10 17:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jumanji, bitches!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That'll learn 'em.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-10 16:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tough actin' Tinactin.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 Die.
-Dave
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I flipped the toothpick out like a blackjack dealer, right into his mouth. I had laced it with gum disease. Gingivitis. The poor bastard would be on a Listerine drip for the rest of his life. He scampered off to find a sink.
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BRILLIANT. I wish i could come up with stuff that good.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a god amongst men, and you were worried about this?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jumanji, bitches. It's my turn to roll."
Fucking gold dust!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-11-10 15:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shennanigans. Everyone in LA carries a knife, regarless if its legal or not. Kurt Russel taught me that.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+10
"jumanji bitches, its my turn to roll"
"Jumanji, bitches. It's my turn to roll." "ju
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as usual
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that shit could happen
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jumanji, bitches. It's my turn to roll."
I hope this turns into often-used uber-phrase.
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jumanji reference + Listerine drip reference= auto +2
Seriously though, not enough posts or people like you on this site.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dull blade couldn't cut cocaine, yet alone pierce his skin. I think he thought I was gay.
awesome!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-10 14:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously Doo, fhis could be the best post in the history of Ubersite.
It might be a smidge too long (and start off a little too slowly for B@W) but honestly, this should be on the Most Viewed Messages list.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The poor bastard would be on a Listerine drip for the rest of his life. He scampered off to find a sink.
or
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him flop around like a guppy.
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Hilarious.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The nail file thing literally made me feel fucking retarded because I didn't get it until I understood it for what it was:
retarded.
Why must you live so far away? If only I could massage your scalp for just a little while...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jumanji, bitches. It's my turn to roll."
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff maynard
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
outstanding work.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa dude (backing away slowly with hands up)
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was incredible. Worthy of a blowjob indeed.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Except I'm pretty sure this time the spinal fluid was hers.
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Awesome, pure awesome.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I flipped the toothpick out like a blackjack dealer, right into his mouth. I had laced it with gum disease. Gingivitis. The poor bastard would be on a Listerine drip for the rest of his life. He scampered off to find a sink.
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I nearly pissed my pants right there.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is absolute perfection.
Need more . . . nothing! This has it all.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-10 13:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you fucking rock.
hard.