Dead Baby Jokes (WARNING: Extremely Distasteful) (6156 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.56 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JWLMAR10 (View user info) at 2003-05-23 11:42:00 EDT
This is mainly a post for Crash. Be warned that these jokes are sick, disgusting, perverted, and seriously twisted. In other words, they are funny.
And now, let the dead baby jokes begin...
Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. It was stapled to the chicken.
Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A doberman on a child's playground.
Q. How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A. Depends on how hard you throw them.
Q. What's the difference between a pile of 100 dead babies and a pile of 100 Cadillacs?
A. I don't have a pile of 100 Cadillacs in my garage.
Q. What's pink and red and goes round and round?
A. A baby in a blender.
Q. What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
A. You can't use a pitchfork to unload a truck full of bowling balls.
Q. Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A. To see which ones are still alive.
Q. How do you know when you hit a live one?
A. The pitchfork shakes.
Q. How do you stop a baby from falling down a man hole?
A. Spear its head with a javelin.
Q. What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A. A baby that was playing with a chainsaw.
Q. What's pink and red and travels in circles?
A. A baby with one foot nailed to the floor.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.
Q. What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A. Twins in an acid bath.
Q. What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A. With an axe.
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A. You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.
Q. How do you spoil a baby?
A. Leave it out in the sun.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-08-22 21:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop ice cream, two scoops dead baby
Submitted by TheGreatHoboJoe (user info) at 2004-08-22 19:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whats silver, red and runs into walls?
a baby with a fork in its eye
whats the worst part about having sex with a 3 year old boy?
getting the blood off your clown costume
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-27 09:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never thought you were funny.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-04-26 21:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I never thought dead baby jokes were funny.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-04-26 21:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well at first they were desperate reaches for humour, but I read on and laughed. Have some pointage.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31438
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-04-26 21:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why dead BABIES? That's not FUNNY..."
Submitted by ST (user info) at 2004-04-26 12:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies.
What is worse than a pile of dead babies?
A live one in the middle.
What is worse than that?
When it tries to eat its way out.
What is worse than that?
When it succeeds.
HAHAHA
Submitted by the_apprentice (user info) at 2004-04-17 05:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It feels so wrong... and yet it feels so right.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-03-01 21:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: What do you get a dead baby for Christmas?
A: a dead puppy
Submitted by AnnabelLee (user info) at 2004-02-27 20:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+infinity!
Submitted by JustinCredible (user info) at 2003-05-23 14:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?
A: I don't come all over the apple before I take a bite out of it.
My FAVORITE DEAD BABY JOKE EVER!!
I'm just absolutely rolling around in dead baby happiness here. (Had a shitty day, and these jokes always put me in a good mood. :D)
Submitted by Ian <ipd02.at.fsu.edu> at 2004-02-27 20:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"i have 2 favorites i havent seen online yet."
I've seen them. Go to Aussie Jed's Dead Baby Archive. I guarantee every dead baby joke is there.
Submitted by Ghandi <druidic_order.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-17 03:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I see the same DB jokes everywhere i go. there all the same, and have the same punchline. i have 2 favorites i havent seen online yet.
Q: Whats more fun that hangin a baby from a clothesline and spinning it as fast as you can?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
Its 1150 pm on march 31st and a woman has been in labor with her first child for 4 hours, finally 10 minutes later she gives birth to a 5 pound baby boy. When the doctor finally removes the child, he glances up at the clock, then proceeds th drop-kick the kid down the hallway leaving a long streak on the floor. The wife hysterically starts screaming at the doctor asking why he killled her child. The doctor turns to the woman and cooly replies, April fools, it was already dead.
Submitted by Jay JAy <xjaylocox.at.aol.com> at 2004-02-11 15:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whats the best thing about fucking 22 year olds????????
There is 20 of them!
Whats funnier than a dead baby?????
A dead baby lying next to a kid with downsyndrome.
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-02-05 07:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh... These are ok but if you lose the shock value of the 'dead baby' they're not really that great...
Not that i have better, just that they're not really that sick?
Hang on what does that say about me?
Submitted by Dr_B_Pittman (user info) at 2004-02-05 06:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's REALLY fucked up is that the Bride is Male and the Groom is female. No, wait. That isn't fucked up at all. Ummm, the bride is a goat? Nahh, still doesn't compare. Gave you a 2 'cos everyone else was, and I'm nothing if not impressionable.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-26 00:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you call a baby eating a dingo?
irony
whats worse then 10 babys in a garbage cans?
1 baby in 10 garbage cans
Submitted by cuda (user info) at 2004-01-21 19:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by Samia <horrorshow_sharp.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-09 04:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i love dead baby jokes, i'm addicted.
there's a fire in a tall building and a woman is trapped on one of the higher floors. the firemen are standing at the bottom with one of those big trampoline things they catch people in (sorry i forgot what it's called) and are trying to get the lady to jump down but she won't because her baby is there and she doesn't want any harm coming to it. just then a member of the 49ers was passing and said 'i catch footballs for a living, trust me, i'll catch your baby'. she being quite a fan puts her faith in him and throws her baby to him, just then a huge gust of wind blows the baby off course but he runs in that direction dives for it and just catches it. the crowd that had gathered around the burning building is amazed and starts cheering. he gets up, does a two stepper and spikes it.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ha ha i fucking hate kids.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never saw this before.
I just pissed my pants with laughter.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-08-27 22:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://autopsybabies.com
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-08-27 22:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: What's the difference between a basket of ripe tomatoes and a dozen dead babies?
A: I don't skullfuck my tomatoes before I eat them.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2003-08-27 22:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q:what's blue and orange?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q:what's slightly green and three days old?
A:a baby in a garbage can.
-Hads
i.hate.children.
Submitted by jiggit713 (user info) at 2003-08-27 21:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q. What's the best way to get a baby into a tupperware container?
A. Blender.
Q. What's the best way to get it out?
A. Corn Chips.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-08-17 21:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnWilkesBooth (user info) at 2003-07-22 22:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you get when you cut a dead baby in half?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A BONER!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-22 22:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus crust. your one perveted sick bastard that will hopefully join me in hell
Submitted by prezuiwf (user info) at 2003-07-22 21:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: How man dead babies can you fit in the trunk of a car?
A: 17
Submitted by ctrl_alt_del (user info) at 2003-06-15 17:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's hard to puke while your laughing...
Submitted by jesuscrust at 2003-06-15 17:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
randomjoe= jesuscrust= awesome
Q: what's the difference between your grandma and a baby?
A: your grandma doesn't die when i fuck her in the ass!!
Q: what's the best thing about a dead baby?
A: no matter which end you stick it in, you can get deep throat
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-06-15 17:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaa, dead baby jokes. classic. i am the self-appointed king of dead baby jokes. that's right!! and here's the worst joke ever:
Q: what's red and crawls up a womans leg?
A: a homesick abortion!
Submitted by Heyitsmaurine (user info) at 2003-06-15 17:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's HORRIBLE...
but funny +2
Submitted by Beave (user info) at 2003-05-30 04:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q:What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?
A: SIDS(crib death)
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2003-05-23 16:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Q: What's worse than running over a dead baby?
A: Peeling it off the tire.
Submitted by theoutstander (user info) at 2003-05-23 15:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao momanland.
Q: What's more fun than swinging a baby around by a fish hook in its mouth?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-05-23 15:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable to say the least. I think I'll send these to my friends.
Submitted by JustinCredible (user info) at 2003-05-23 15:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are the ones I ALWAYS remember.. others come and go. Stoner memory.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-05-23 14:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Justin, the first and last ones you said are the dirtiest jokes ever. Wow, those are bad. hahahahaha I can't believe I forgot those two.
Submitted by momanlad (user info) at 2003-05-23 14:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not laughing, my first child was killed crossing the road whilst stapled to a chicken and thus, i find this a little too close the the heart to bare.
Submitted by JustinCredible (user info) at 2003-05-23 14:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?
A: I don't come all over the apple before I take a bite out of it.
Q: What's bloated, pink, and taps on glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on it's teddy bear. ( WORST JOKE EVER! )
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-05-23 13:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YoDumbass, thanks for ruining my 2 streak. Oh well, it's not your fault. You WERE a baby at one point. Stupid babies.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-05-23 12:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PapSmirnoff (user info) at 2003-05-23 12:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those babies have to be shot.. They look sooooooo evil and the one guy is trying to be Slash!
Submitted by YoDumbass (user info) at 2003-05-23 12:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you push hard enough on a babies soft spot it will make cool sounds.
Submitted by Crash3087 (user info) at 2003-05-23 12:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember, you can fit about 40% more babies in a dumpster if you crush their bulbous little skulls.
They have such huge heads in proportion to their bodies...so funny looking.
And it's probably not considered crushing when you squish their empty skulls. My wife does autopsies and all that fun stuff. When they cut open a normal human skull, they use a bone saw (stryker (sp) saw). When they cut open a baby skull, they actually use special scissors. Haha, stupid little skulls can be cut open with scissors.
I just want to go up to someone, ask to hold their baby, and just squish the babies head slightly. Not enough to kill it, but enough to mold it to a really weird and funny shape.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-05-23 12:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. What's worse than that?
A. It comes back for seconds.
Submitted by SantonioSpur (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q:What's worse than a dumpster full of dead babies?
A:One live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, babies getting married is just sick. That is in no way cute.
Submitted by Crash3087 (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the babies int he picture should be murdered. Then the people that decided to make them pose for that picture because it would be "cute", can die as well.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q:what is the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball
A:You can't grill a bowling ball
Q:what is red and silver and runs into walls
A: a baby with forks jabbed into it's eye sockets
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I knew you would appreciate this Crash.
Submitted by Crash3087 (user info) at 2003-05-23 11:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah
Kill the babies!!!
Ugly little deformed beings.