I Just Got Fucked In The Nose. (1536 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.56 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by That Is My Stapler (View user info) at 2005-11-14 17:18:27 EST
And eyes. And ears. And mouth.
My string of bad luck continues. I swear to God, I think I'm truly cursed. They say in Alcoholics Anonymous that "God loves us and wants us to be happy." Then again, Benjamin Franklin said that beer was proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Whom to believe and why?
Either way, it's bullshit. God fucking hates me and wants me to die and scream in twisted agony in Hades, for all eternity. I can feel it. I think it's because I'm an American.
Introduction over, my story begins. Despite Zakalwe's disgust and contempt, I've written a lot about my life here on Ubersite. After all, if you can't share your life with complete strangers who could give less of a fuck, who CAN you share it with?
I was an abused, poverty stricken kid, raised by alcoholics. My sister, who I loved and adored was killed. My first wife died. My second wife and I divorced, and she took me to the motherfucking cleaners, AND got the kids, AND got my retirement fund, AND got the house, AND the damned dog. She didn't even like that fucking dog. That was MY dog. She kept the dog just because she could, and to spite me. Whore. I lost my job. I became an alcoholic. I probably have that traumatic stress disorder thingy-ma-jiggy people get, from my part in the first Iraq war. I crashed my car, and am being sued and going bankrupt. I'm now down to my last $175 dollars in the fucking world. I can't buy food, pay the electricity or water or rent, phone, or the lovely token of affection my wife DID leave me with, her $10,000 credit card debt. I got a DUI. Recently, I fell off a friend's roof and broke my leg.
The smell of "Loser" on me is making ME gag. Even stray dogs cross the street when I approach.
Today, things didn't improve.
I'm at said friends house, varnishing her deck. Try doing that with a broken leg someday. It's a fucking laugh riot. As I'm brushing up the lattice work, some of the finish splashed into my eyes. I stumbled backwards, tripped on the roller brush, fell down, conked my head on a corner and knocked myself out, but immediatly was roused by the wonderful feel of a full contanier of Thompson's Honey Gold "Satisfaction Guarunteed" deck varnish in my fucking eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.
Another hospital trip ensued, again, uninsured, but only after I screetched horrifically, long and loud enough for the neighbor to pop her head over the fence, exclaim, "oh my god!" and go call the motherfucking paramedics. My face is a mess. I have blisters in every orifice I have on my head. My eyes are still on fire and I have to put a solution in them hourly for the next two weeks, at least.
To top it all off, my fucking computer is full of spyware because SOMEBODY (me) has been looking at too much pornography, and I can't find my copy of windows to re-install.
I'm begging you, gentle reader; make like I'm a Manatee, and you're a drunken Floridian tourist, and thoughtlessly run my ass over with a boat.
This would all be funny as shit if it wasn't happening to ME.
Here's what I look like (previous to today) so that you can hunt me down, sneak up behind me, and garrot me in the back of the neck with an ice pick. I'll give you my address too, in order to expedite the process.
User Reviews
Submitted by brohman20012000 (user info) at 2005-11-16 15:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy shit breathing titty fucker!! Henceforth whenever I feel depressed I will read this post. Out of mercy oh sea cow, I point the bow at thee.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
poor mutant
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor guy : /
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm begging you, gentle reader; make like I'm a Manatee, and you're a drunken Floridian tourist, and thoughtlessly run my ass over with a boat."
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peace Corp
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote Peace Corps.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 07:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are proper fucked. Like in a most serious and thorough manner.
Seriously, it's time to start over. It's either that or kill yourself. Some guy suggested joining the peace corps, sounds good to me. DO some volunteer work, join the french foreign legion, sign up with the army, work for the redcross, whatever. Just get the hell away from that trainwreck you call a life.
Good luck mate, although to be honest you won't need it.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-11-15 04:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. I think you should have at least gotten the dog. Well at least post naked pictures of the ex to even up the score. And by post, I mean on ubersite.
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. My lifes great. Thanks
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55555
nostril fucking
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the spyware:
http://www.download.com/Ad-Aware-SE-Personal-Edition/3000-8022_4-10399602.html?tag=lst-0-2
http://www.download.com/Spybot-Search-Destroy/3000-8022_4-10401314.html?tag=lst-0-1
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-14 21:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-14 21:23:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Lyle Lovett
======================
My ex-wife used to call me that, in the mornings. You should see that mop when I wake up, man.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-14 21:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lyle Lovett
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-14 20:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My shit luck could rival yours, but god damn that's miserable.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-14 20:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:33:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS CHRIST! What the hell did you do in a past life to deserve this? Were you Hitler? Did you touch little coma kids on their naughty bits? Did you vote for G.W. Bush?
Hope things get better for you or at the very least I hope that the next bad thing is a quick merciful death.
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Too much porn? *confused*
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Hope things get better
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-14 20:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice piece of fiction.
Yes, garrot is a word, but it often has a e on the end. It means to
place a cord around someone's neck and strangle them.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS CHRIST! What the hell did you do in a past life to deserve this? Were you Hitler? Did you touch little coma kids on their naughty bits? Did you vote for G.W. Bush?
Hope things get better for you or at the very least I hope that the next bad thing is a quick merciful death.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:40:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chin up, my good man.
You still have your heal...
Well, you have the comfort of a good woma...
Fine. At least you're financially stab...
Shitballs.
Let's look at it this way. At least you have a full head of hair.
========================
You have no idea how much this made me laugh my fucking ass off. Thanks.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn that sucks but,
can I borrow that for a country song?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and it could be worse. You could have literally gotten fucked in the nose.
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2005-11-14 19:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor guy...you really have to stop doing favours for that friend.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-14 18:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you have nice white teeth.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-14 18:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say, you're one of my favorite writers on this site. You seem like a kick ass person too. After all you've been through, it seems to me that you're tough enough to take on even more. If you couldn't handle it, it wouldn't have been given to you. Think of these things as challenges instead of problems.
I studied psychology for a long ass time.
Here's to, "things get worse before they get better."
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-14 18:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Shlongy. I knew I could count on you, old pal.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-14 18:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd feel bad smacking you around. You already have enough problems looking like that.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
These reviews are hilarious.
I don't have internet connection in my residence. My friend owns an internet business and I write on Ubersite from this office.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have $175 left, that's all? How much does your internet connection cost? Priorities, man. Priorities.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't want to kill you. You have a nice smile.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chin up, my good man.
You still have your heal...
Well, you have the comfort of a good woma...
Fine. At least you're financially stab...
Shitballs.
Let's look at it this way. At least you have a full head of hair.
Unlike our resident conehead, Kojak "Pig Balls" Dan.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to ruin your day any more, but, there's a good chance God doesn't exist.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm telling you man, joing the fucking peace corps. Not only will you get the fuck away from all that shit you'll see people that have generations worth of bad luck.
OR
You could come live at my house and do all of my house and yard work and I won't charge you rent or utilities. I'll give you a cute little butler outfit to wear too. I'll be the god damned fanciest man in all of Currituck County North Carolina with my own personal man servant.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To top it all off, my fucking computer is full of spyware because SOMEBODY (me) has been looking at too much pornography, and I can't find my copy of windows to re-install.
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Too much porn? *confused*
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:24:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile seems so... wrong... to use for this +1.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Benjamin Franklin
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-14 17:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is "garrot" even a word?