I saw a guy stretch his foreskin over an apple and I lost $20 (10404 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 89 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-14 22:23:51 EST
I was hoping to go through life without ever having to see another mans penis, I just didn't see the need as I have one and have heterosexual preferences. This was to change at a buck's party I attended in my early 20's. Mark was a old school friend that hung with a group of guys that were friendly with the group I called close friends.
You know, that second circle of friends you hung with now and then. The party was well under way and getting close to midnight and I had drunk my share of beer and smoked a few cones and joints along the way. Needless to say I was in a good frame of mind. Strippers had come and gone and the beer games were winding down. I even participated in the skull the yard glass full of beer which nearly made me hurl, but I kept my dinner under control by not drinking for nearly an hour, god knows I didn't need another beer after that yard glass.
Mark was the groom to be and looking over at him now I was glad he had a few days to get over his hangover before the wedding, he was fucking legless drunk. A group of guys started to gather on the other side of the room as someone slapped me on the back saying "you got to come watch this", It was Paul a long time friend who I followed over to the group now gathered.
A guy I didn't know announced that his friend Barry could stretch his foreskin over an apple and would take bets. I'm not sure why but this intrigued me and I looked on, as an apple was placed on the table in front of the guy in question. I had to take this bet, as there was no way a guy could do that so I threw in $20.00.
After all the bets were taken this guy undid his fly and produced an average looking cock, maybe a little more girth then mine but what I would have considered as average. He fingered the foreskin stretching it a little then picking up the apple he proceeded to stretch it over the entire apple. I was dumfounded as the room erupted in cheers of disbelief.
I just saw a guy stretch his foreskin over an apple and lost $20.00 but hell it was a buck's party.
We had booked a hotel room for this little shindig of around 30 people, the reason being we were in the centre of town and could hit a nightclub or just hit the streets if we got bored and we were close to the little surprise we had in store for Mark. Not far from this hotel was what was called The Strand. This was a road that ran along the beach, which was a short picturesque drive that had a smallish man made waterfall as a showpiece.
Before too long it was announced we were going for a drive for some food. Paul winked at me and said "we ready for Marks surprise". Grabbing the bag id bought with me I followed about a dozen drunken friends into the elevator down to the car park, a couple of guys carried Mark as he was close to unconsciousness and mumbling incoherently.
We climbed into a couple of utility's (truck for our American readers) with most of us cramming into the open tray back and headed off into the night whooping and hollering. Stopping at the waterfall we all jumped out to prepare our little fun. Mark was stripped naked and a ball and chain was fitted to his leg with a padlock and he was dragged into the waterfall and handcuffed to the rails and left standing in the water mumbling something about us being cunts. I grabbed my bag and headed up the stairs that went up above the waterfall to the lookout. At the summit was the pump that supplied the waterfall with its water which had an open top covered by a steel mesh.
I pulled out two large boxes of laundry detergent and dumped the contents of both into the gurgling water and looked down to see a crowd was forming around the waterfall below me of people gawking and laughing at the drunken fool handcuffed naked inside the waterfall.
Our plan was to leave him there for a little while and let the laundry detergent foam up the waterfall then go save him and get back to the hotel so I headed down back to the car and leapt in laughing and waving at Mark as we drove off. We drove down to the end of The Strand and turned to head back to see how our little prank was progressing when a car load of girls behind us started honking and waving at us drunken fools in the back of the Ute. I stood and dropped my pants and turned around bending over to moon the girls in the car and just as I was about to pull my pants up we hit a bump in the road.
I felt my knees buckle and my bare ass touch the tailgate of the truck just before losing my balance and falling over the edge. I landed on my backside in a sitting position and grimaced as I felt a good portion of bare butt skin tear from my arse. Thankfully the car behind us saw this and stopped before running me over but I bounced and rolled a few times before coming to a stop.
"Man overboard" was the shout behind me as the guys stopped and dragged me back into the truck as I pulled my pants back on. Arriving at the waterfall end of The Strand it became apparent the traffic was at a stand still so we jumped out and ran to save Mark who we were sure had caused this traffic stand still.
Getting to the waterfall everybody turned slack jawed to look at me and ask, "how much detergent did you use?" I looked on in horror as I answered quietly "only two boxes". There was a mountain of foam about 15 feet high stretched across the road, it went on for around 30 feet and was about 20 feet across. The entire waterfall was obscured by foam as well.
We all ran into the mountain of foam in the direction of the waterfall screaming out Mark's name. Once inside the foam mountain you couldn't see a damn thing except light. We searched the area he should have been but he wasn't there. "Someone yelled "holy shit he's gone" as we ran out of the mountain of foam. Once clear of the foam someone who resembled a foam yeti yelled "there he is" and following his foamy arms direction I spied Mark sitting on the lawn with a blanket wrapped around him, surrounded by police with many police cars parked in the vicinity.
Run and escape should have been the first thing that entered our minds but we stupidly ran over to Mark asking him if he was ok. A large police officer asked "are you lot with this gentleman?' and we stupidly agreed and the police arrested a group of foam yeti's and piled us into paddy wagons and took us to the station for questioning.
The look on the desk sergeant's face was priceless as he watched a dozen guys covered in foam get herded into his charge area. Some of the arresting officers were laughing openly at us as I realised my butt was sore and aching. We stood in line and got processed one at a time when a policeman said "Jesus who is bleeding?" The floor around us was covered in blood and I stuck my hand in the air and said, "I think its me".
Dropping my pants in the charge area of the lockup it became apparent I was losing a lot of blood. Hell I was that drunk I would have happily stood there and bled to death none the wiser. I was whisked up to the hospital immediately and found myself bent over a bed with no pants on. A pretty nurse sat on a stool behind me picking gravel from my butt with a pair of tweezers and said "do anything interesting tonight?'
"Yeh" I said "I saw a guy stretch his foreskin around an apple and lost $20.00.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING GOLD!
I miss reading Saxon...
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Foam Yeti.... I love it.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...aren't you a chick?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold.
er, maybe even a golden apple?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-18 00:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST TITLE EVER
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-11-17 02:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you make me hot in my knickers.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-16 23:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I agree with the B@W.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all x10^arse
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
100% condensed entertainment. Bravo!
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-16 15:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Foreskin and weddings seem to go hand in hand.
------------------------------------------------
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WORLD-RENOWNED EXPERT ON FORESKIN HAS SPOKEN!!!
Saxon, +2 for you...your stories never cease to amaze me.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dammit, I should have put 'scraper of all arse', thought of it just as I clicked rank
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cryslynn1 (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit!!!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. but ew for the penis turtleneck visual. wretch on that.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, still funny today.
B@W
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-16 10:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Without a doubt one of the best.
B@W
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to come back to this one, without a doubt, one of the greatest things ever written!
Fine job sir!
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhhh. learn from my mistake: check first comment before posting
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
goooood. But what about Mark?
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kool
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, an apple
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first, I kind of agreed with Rad's crusade. Now it just seems kind of pretentious. Here's to building up another solid 4 pages of material with +2 streaks of 30 or more.
Submitted by petrifiedcow (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Awesome
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to say.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR
You win the "Shut GLALL the fuck up" award. It's a styrofoam cup. Use it to save children from burning buildings or whatever.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-15 12:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dassofunny
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-11-15 12:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, that takes the cake of my story of the guy wrenching his penis!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77719
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul i am flattered and worried at the same time. """
Why is that worriesome?
It's all right, you can be honest :-)
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Priceless
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Foreskin and weddings seem to go hand in hand. I have some friends who got married and one of the guests pulled the guy filming the wedding into the toilet to make him film some guy messing around with his penis.
So their wedding video is like: Wedding -> Penis antics -> Wedding
They bride and groom never knew. The day they got their wedding video, the first thing the bride did before watching her copy was to send a copy to her mother...
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Posts like these make this site all worth it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what you mean.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE YOU
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do anything exciting tonight?"
"Yeah, I saw a guy stretch his foreskin over and apple and I lost 20 dollars."
Brilliant.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on Bored at Work.
Fuck it, this should be required reading for school kids.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why do people always do the gayest shit when theyre drunk
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit Saxon.
This post was filled with all kinds of excellence! Watch out though, If IDDQD sees this he is liable to -1 you for the title, and then cry about how nobody reads his stuff despite the fact that he is on the MVA list and then post 12 responses as to why he was right in not reading your post at ll, but -1ing you based on the fact that the title is catchy.
But I'm not bitter or anything.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-15 06:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spot on!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-15 05:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA!!
At primary school I had a mate who used to get his bits out at every opportunity. He used to do a puppetry of the penis type move which he called "the joey."(kangaroo) i.e pulling his scrotum up to cover most of his penis, with just the head poking out of the "pouch".
He was one dirty fucker.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-15 04:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an amazing tale and so well told. You have the perfect flare for comedy my friend. Most of us are funny fuckers but you obviously think about it. you start with something hilarious, you seamlessly move onto something else hilarious, and the bring the first one back to slap you in the face, just as your forgetting about it!
GENIUS! good work :o)
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-15 04:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
worthy.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-15 04:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahahahaha. Mountain of foam.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-15 03:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those dancing badgers are AWESOME.
So was this
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-15 03:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-15 01:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Admit it.
You ate the apple afterwards.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-15 01:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooooh. That explains it.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um Manda its Aussie for bong, cone refers to the cup that holds the weed.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a cone?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2nd best story about a stag party evar
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 00:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:58:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS that is just brilliant hahahahaha jesus how did i miss that post.
Caul i am flattered and worried at the same time.
--------------------
That's not a post. Look closely at the links.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS that is just brilliant hahahahaha jesus how did i miss that post.
Caul i am flattered and worried at the same time.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Im thinking we should cook around mid afternoon before we get too drunk and set fire to the house so how bout coming over around midday. Shit man come over earlier if you want to help me clean up and get things set up.
Crashing over is a must. I have heaps of room and dont want any drunken driving or drunken getting lost, i do live in Woodridge, you should know its not a subburb to wander around in aimlessly as you will be found naked in a gutter with a broom handle protruding from your butt and your possesions missing, oh wait that could happen at my house too hahahaha just kidding.
Um Willy i didnt save your number oops, text me with your number and ill text you my home address, im worried GLAL might find out where i live and come get stoned with my dog and swim in the fish tank, it scares my fish.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, when do you want to start this thing... and will there be crashing over if we get too tired/drunk/lazy to walk/train/bus/stumble home?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey mate, what's your address?
(you can text me if you'd rather not give out full details on a public forum. You know my number)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've just made Bored @ ETS: http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/hahahahahahaha.htm
You also made my favorite authors list (scroll down)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Man overboard"
Silly britons and their Navy obsession.
This was an awesome post, I should definitly read more of your stuff.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think there could have been a more perfect final line for that story. Fucking GOLD, man.
I wish I were you! :(
Uh...except for the skinning my ass part. I could do without that.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking GOLD
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You lead such an intereting life.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA pwesome.
+2 for the fact that you didn't post a skinned-butt picture at the end, not to mention the fact that this rocked.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for keeping this from us for so long.
+4 for it definitely being worth the wait.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 23:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awwwwwwww how sweet Bonnie, now get ya fine butt on yahoo i wanna here about your weekend.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon, reading posts of yours like this one here, further reinforces my idea that we'll be married someday.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeh Willy unless you want to talk to DR first but lets organise this thing. Ill make preps for a BBQ.
Gas for BBQ? yup plenty of baked beans.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'd be happy with that. Shall I make an uberpost announcement for the ubercon or what?
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buck show Gold. I love those fuckers. I refer to them as "My Speciality".
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeh this saturday would be good, lets organise it. Should we do it at my house over a BBQ maybe?
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another brilliant Saxon post.
Have a 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody hell... where are all my whacky adventures to tell random internet people?
By the way, how's this Saturday (19th) for an ubercon? Thorpe and I are in. Phallic seems to have interest and we need to call DR.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was afraid there'd be a picture witht this.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-14 22:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Footnote: Mark was successfully married a few days later and remains happily married today. We were all charged with being a public nuisance but were let off with a warning. My butt healed eventually and the council shut off the water to that waterfall a few years later as they got sick of it being attacked with detergent.