I don't think a smiley face means sorry. (3517 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.87 on 89 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-15 08:28:57 EST
They, whoever They are - that ubiquitous force for good and evil, creators of rumours, prophets of urban doom - They should never have allowed me the raising of one child, let alone multiple children. I'm not fit to do this job. I'm not stable, I'm not reliable. I'm barely even capable of keeping myself alive. Show me a bumper sticker and I'll damn near kill myself trying to read it.
(Insert - does anyone else do that? I have this theory, you see, of bumper-sticker psychological profiling. I believe, firmly and with the utter conviction of the woefully undereducated, that you can discern someone's lifestyle, political affiliation, medical history, marital status, and sexual orientation by examining their bumper stickers. Much like the lunatics that descend into live volcanos to study the source of their scientific findings, I put myself at risk each and every day to carry out my much needed research. Just today, I saw a silver station wagon with not one but two bumper stickers, perfectly aligned (showing an ordered mind) in matching colors (possibly gay) and with similar content (obsessive compulsive, possibly an addictive personality). They read, from left to right, "Caution! My kids are aliens!" and "I hear the voices - OF MY CHILDREN!" Upon careful study, I deduced that the driver of the car was, in fact, a childless moron, because what parent would willingly announce themselves to an uncaring world as the progenitor of skateboard riding spawn? During my research, I almost swerved into a truck because the station wagon was not only ahead of me when I caught sight of it, it was speeding, and the sun was reflecting off the window right near the bumper stickers, causing me to be temporarily blinded at high speed in the wrong lane. Anyone? No? I want a bumper sticker that's based on one I've seen from time to time. This one reads "People don't kill people, I kill people!" Mildly amusing, the first time. Mine would say "Guns don't kill people, the thing that lives under my bed kills people and then stores their bodies in my basement for later consumption. That's my story and I'm sticking to it coz of how my lawyer says he can get me off on an insanity plea and I'll only have to do six months in a hospital for the slaughter of thirteen immigrants as opposed to twenty years in maximum security. Oy vey, what a deal!" I may need a bigger car, possibly some kind of bus. Hang on. I need more port.)
I'm not a great parent. I lose my temper and I do things that don't make much sense. I'm funny more often than I am wise. I don't have all the answers, not like my parents did, and probably your parents too (though I recently realised my Dad was a bullshit artist. "Dad, how does water turn into ice?" "Well, when it's cold enough, water hibernates. Like a bear." Lying old psycho.) I am willing to google them, however, and explain them as best I can.
I read somewhere that the hardest part of being a parent is accepting that half your heart will always be walking around outside your body. That's sort of true, but the biggest part of it is guilt. Guilt when you're harsh, or when you're not harsh enough. Guilt when your child is sad, and guilt when they're angry with you. That has to be accepted, much like the fact that you'll only ever be half right about anything.
And sometimes, amidst the guilt, and the uncertainty, somewhere between "Because I said so" and "Because I can", there is a plateau. Still waters, a silent room, the hush between one tick of the clock and the next, the timeless moment after the wave washes in and before it races out again, when the sand settles and you can see clearly.
Just a moment. Just one breath, one laugh, one hug, one word. And it sustains you, through all that follows.
Step out of the theoretical and into my living room. This afternoon - two hours after I narrowly missed being a hood ornament, and one hour before I spilled bleach on the Boy's school shirts, rendering them not only interesting but fucking useless as a school uniform, the kid took out a folded sheet of paper and handed it to the Dutchman. Then he ran outside, where we're too lazy and afraid of the sunlight to follow him.
"He got in trouble at school."
"What for?"
"Says here talking back to the teacher and disobeying her."
"Sigh."
"....Did you just say 'sigh'? Out loud?"
"Shut up, you foreign freak. Can I see the thinkspot sheet?"
(Note: A "Thinkspot sheet" is a deliciously inane little invention of recent times. This is where the child ackowledges his own wrongdoings, signifies his regret, and shows in pictoral form what he did wrong, and how bad he feels about it now. It's so fucking gay that touching it makes me feel like dancing to YMCA and putting things in people.)
He handed it to me, and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And decided I might not be doing that badly, after all.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-05 01:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What parent would willingly announce themselves to an uncaring world as the progenitor of skateboard riding spawn?
_______________________
You?
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-05 01:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:16:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
well at least he's still at the point where he probably really was arguing with the teacher. i mean when ya hit highschool all of a sudden a difference of opinion gets ya detention
-------
I KNOW! I used to constantly argue with my English teacher because she didn't know the definition of irony. She misused it every fucking day, and I would kindly point out that she was a moron.
And she always made me go to the office.
She actually used that damn Alanis Morisette song to explain irony to us.
Ugh, it made me sick.
That song makes me sick.
btw, good post.
+2.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-05 01:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid doesn't understand diagonals.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-21 23:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-21 23:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that freakin' picture.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-21 23:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:-)
(can't believe it hasn't been done yet)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-17 19:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting concept, this 'thinkspot' - I'll see about getting it introduced into the California educational system
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you so hard.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-16 03:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had an epiphany:
Circe, in the 20 minutes immediately following sex, holding a joint, would be one of the most profoundly interesting people on the planet.
So, uhh, coming to Ubercon Brisbane by any chance?
Kidding, i can't make it, so it is worthless.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:14:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:54:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just for the record, The Boyfriend's car has a series of bumperstickers reading from top to bottom,
DARN THE GOVERNMENT
THE PRESIDENT IS LYING
FIND THE CLITORIS
------------------
aaaaaaaahahahahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just for the record, The Boyfriend's car has a series of bumperstickers reading from top to bottom,
DARN THE GOVERNMENT
THE PRESIDENT IS LYING
FIND THE CLITORIS
Quite amusing to those of us with the sexual sophistication of, say, third-graders.
In eighth grade, I was sent to the dean's office for "smirking" at my math teacher.
The sad bit is, I'm not making that up.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoo
Ray.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfection.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha beautiful
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-15 20:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ruthless - he's taken to it like a duck to water. It's rather alarming that he's a better, more consistent parent than I am. I think it's because they've not had time to break his spirit yet.
His army training is coming in useful.
friedgreen - heheheheh.
Yes.
*is ashamed*
Coyote - HE'S SITTING ON THE MAT. THE KID ISN'T MUCH OF AN ARTIST, OKAY???? BASTARD
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:42:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just going to assume you're the one at family events who gets the hard elbow in the ribs and someone hissing in your ear, "For God's sake, would you stop ENCOURAGING them!"
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to know how your husband is with the whole stepfather thing. Or is that not an issue at all? I'm just curious.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
matnotharry--
It all ties back to the bumper sticker thing--
ever seen the ones that say "I spent a fortune on yoga lessons learning to blow myself?"
Apparently it's a very progressive school.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is going on in the top picture?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, to translate, he's happy because the alternative to hsi misbehavior would have been rigor mortis. Well, he may be delusional, but at least he wasn't swearing.
Submitted by Required_Reading (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that paper there is disturbing on several different levels.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of: http://www.ubersite.com/m/28315
Don't lose that thinkspot. It's a keeper.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I was EXACTLY like that as a kid and I turned out just FINE.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he gets his work done before misbehaving.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't make rude noise.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then he ran outside, where we're too lazy and afraid of the sunlight to follow him."
--------------
This was great.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:50:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe is probably the perfect woman.
And the perfect storyteller.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said it before, the boy is a legend.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
well at least he's still at the point where he probably really was arguing with the teacher. i mean when ya hit highschool all of a sudden a difference of opinion gets ya detention. on another note. "think spot" is stupid, and whoever came up with them should be shot. see if you can get the teacher to believe he has add and then say you refuse to stifle your child's potential with possibly harmful mind/behavior altering drugs and tell the teacher to shove off. breathing too loud in a private school will normally get you in trouble anyway and i'm sure the teacher deserved it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:32:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
i lump bumper sticker users together in one general category: boring morons
the problem is there are no bumper stickers of any worth (as far as i know) """
and who's fault is that? hmmm?
HMMMM?
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee.
Back in my day, if you committed even two of the crimes on that thinkspot dealie, they simply took you out in the hall and paddled your ass while the rest of the kids laughed at your expense. My kid gets in trouble for some of that same stuff at least twice a year, and they always make him write a paragraph about what he did wrong. He's such a bullshit artist that he manages to seem penitent on paper, but I can always tell that whatever shenanigans he pulled, he thought it was worth it.
I also noticed that the thinkspot sheet said "making noises" and "making rude noises". I find that hilarious. Why don't they just put down "fart noises"?
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the post and most of the comments too. I've already given you my non-advice on parenting and won't stop to point out the obvious regarding guilt, worry, shame and the accompanying negative and self destructive emotions -- that you only have to stay in the present moment to avoid all of it... alas, easier said than done -- so I will instead quote my favorite all time bumper sticker:
"Beware of Wife; the dog's okay."
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-15 12:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well at least he feels no remorse.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there definitely should be an 'other' section there. 10 possible ways to get in trouble seems so limited.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That Dutchman of yours seems to like verbal abuse.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Prozak helps a lot I've heard... (Note: That is the real test of parency; would you give him Prozak or Ritaline to have an easy time yourself?)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've made Bored @ ETS! http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/hahahahahahaha.htm
Say it...
Say it...
"yay"
You're also on my favorite author's list. But you already know that because I told you earlier while I was whipping your sorry ass at pool.
I agree, you can really tell a lot about a person by their bumper stickers. For instance, in America you can see very plainly whether they'd be infuriating idiot fucks by whether or not they still have the "Bush/Cheaney '04" sticker. You can also tell if they're mindless patriotic sheep fuckers if they have the "We Support Our Troops" magnet...or two...or TEN.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you sould like a real tough broad.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so glad I'm not the only one who says "Sigh" out loud.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at least he wasn't making rude noises, swearing, or refusing to work
then you'd have a problem
also I think you should know that if you're saving up for art school, it's ok to spend the money
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lucky to still live in a part of the world where they have bumper stickers that are anything other than pointlessly stupid, smirkingly condescending pseudo religious shit.
And I'd say you still need some work as a parent-- he missed swearing and rude noises, otherwise it was almost perfect.
11 kinds of awesome, this.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
7/10 - not bad!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your sense of humor comes through in this post...and I like it!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know Cookie,
I feel so...ruined?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, in some countries, I think they call what thorpe did to you "ruining your shit"
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rendering them not only interesting but fucking useless as a school uniform
I found this line awesome for some reason
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting into trouble regularly means hes either stupid or smart, neither of which go down wel with most teachers.
When I was little, I used to get in trouble for messing around cos I'd already done all the work and was bored out of my mind, so I smacked my head against a wall repeatedly and after that I fitted right in.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the picture
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's a quality kid and future Uber-Shit Poster.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan - you and me, behind the cgi-bin
-----------------------------------------
Best 22 seconds of my life Circe!
*lights cigarette*
You weren't half-bad yourself Kid.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:24:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
I have bumper stickers on my car that read:
"Your anger makes me happy" and "You're stupid" (both accompanied by a picture of a happy little bunny smiling and hopping around)
and,
"The flying hamster of doom rains coconuts on your pitiful city"
As far as child behavior goes, I am hoping for the day that my son gets into trouble at school. It just doesn't seem normal for a thirteen year old to never get into any trouble for fighting or swearing or anything. He's too good there. I am afraid that he will turn into a serial murderer when he gets older.
----
Mike, your kid is an evil mastermind. We all know the sort. They sit there, looking all innocent, doing the work and not causing any problems. There's something up with that. Especially the smirkers, there are a few i'd quite happily accidentally hit in the head with an overhead projector.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan - you and me, behind the cgi-bin
Mike - My old car, my beloved Tarago, had one that said, simply, "Have a nice day." I liked its lowgrade threat of "Or else." I want one that just says "Don't."
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have bumper stickers on my car that read:
"Your anger makes me happy" and "You're stupid" (both accompanied by a picture of a happy little bunny smiling and hopping around)
and,
"The flying hamster of doom rains coconuts on your pitiful city"
As far as child behavior goes, I am hoping for the day that my son gets into trouble at school. It just doesn't seem normal for a thirteen year old to never get into any trouble for fighting or swearing or anything. He's too good there. I am afraid that he will turn into a serial murderer when he gets older.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
redskies - i totally agree. i'm going to suggest a list of additions.
"Hitting everyone whose name started with M"
"Smuggling puppies in my lunchbox for the asian students"
"Just plain not liking the teacher"
"Having Bad Thoughts"
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apologies Circe for so blatantly exchanging banter with a married woman, but just in case, I prefer Jalapeno Corn Bread to Scones. The whole "nailing like a railroad spike thing" is completely acceptable though.
Thorpe, damn you, you clever Aussie! You are in my graces until you start to act like IDDQD, in which case I will have to cleave your manhood from you...figuratively speaking of course.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And finally, that thinkspot sheet thingy doesn't say "I was shitting in my hands and throwing it at people" - clearly a poorly thought out piece of paper.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Incidentally, that sheet thingy? Pure evil. What the hell is that - make your kid reflect on their misbehaviour? I didn't think you were allowed to guilt trip a kid unless half your genetics were in it.
With an over 18 student, where you can't go crying to their parents legally, I make it my policy to send a postcard to their house. Or to leave a message on the answering machine enquiring where aforementioned student's work is.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All the points in the world Circe. The purpose of education is indoctrination of the hidden curriculum of obedience.
As an educator myself, your kid rules.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:08:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teephphah you make my drunken heart sing with port-sodden-joy. Your praise is like.. praise.. to me
Rad - they just don't get any gayer than those things, but I'm sure they will soon
Dan - stop tempting me. Baking and sex? Can we do them at the same time, like, you nail me like a railroad spike while I knead scone dough?
I mean, hush your mouth. Talking like that to a married woman is.... naughty.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-15 09:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well for starters, Average_Dan, you used two verbs in that sentence. Either "the chances of... would be..." or leave out the "would be". And we all know Circe has OCD on grammar issues.
Personally I think she'd prefer somebody who hypothetically could spot a grammatical error like that from a hundred yards.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think the chances are of you ditching the Dutchman, moving to VA, and becoming my personal Baker/sex-slave for life would be?
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#9 :<(
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're messing me up with your "ha-ha-ha-oh-that-was-funny-waitaminute-now-she's-being-sweet-nope-back-to-funny" stuff. But I liked it. I always love it when you write about your kids.
Auto bumpersticker linkwhore (sorry) http://www.ubersite.com/m/15032.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I issue those self-acknowledgment thinkspot sheets ("thinking error report") to my inmates.
they are as retarded here as there i.e. don't do a fucking think to correct behaviors.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:48:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
just cause
________
You still holding that grudge?
And do you mean "Just cause" as in, "I have a just cause to dislike everything you do" or did you mean "just cause" as in "just because i feel like it but i'm too lazy to use either capitals or fully spelled out words"?
Dan - You're a sweetheart. A deluded sweetheart with crap taste in women, but a sweetheart nonetheless.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe is probably the perfect woman.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit Circe, I think I love you!
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
just cause
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:46:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 hippie school form thing
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:43:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
In summary, funny stuff. I could do a whole post on the stupid little Education Department whims that we were put through in school as part of our social development and personal growth.
if you do that thorpe, please alert me, i wouold be very interested
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:37:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the picture? Did he do something to a kid in a wheelchair?
________
No! He was supposed to be sitting on the floor.
That's a picture of him, sitting on the floor.
You can see his regret by the amount of effort he put into it.
Thorpe - I'm sorry. Please don't give up on me. I can be funny, I promise.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Guns don't kill people, the thing that lives under my bed kills people and then stores their bodies in my basement for later consumption. That's my story and I'm sticking to it coz of how my lawyer says he can get me off on an insanity plea and I'll only have to do six months in a hospital for the slaughter of thirteen immigrants as opposed to twenty years in maximum security. Oy vey, what a deal!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In summary, funny stuff. I could do a whole post on the stupid little Education Department whims that we were put through in school as part of our social development and personal growth.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
on the parenting side, my demons are not with guilt exaclty, more shame and fear.
seeing the freakish madnesses of all the other parents helps sometimes.
but sometims the thokughts that go through m\y head, they are so ugle and petty and weak and nasty and fearful and shameful and spiteful and prideful and hurt and angry, it makes me sick! i just hope to god i'm somehow keeping them from appearing in my expression and manner. it would be a greusome sight, the dorian gray syndrome, if they ever came to the surface.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, then you went and spoilt it by extrapolating too much. You should have left the bumper sticker line as a one-off.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Show me a bumper sticker and I'll damn near kill myself trying to read it."
The imagery loaded into this one sentence is orgasmic in its hilarity. You need to be pickled and put in a big glass case next to Phar Lap.
Now to read the rest.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the picture? Did he do something to a kid in a wheelchair?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're child has my handwriting.
He can keep it.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this teacher sounds like an incompetent douchebag
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like seth.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-15 08:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i lump bumper sticker users together in one general category: boring morons
the problem is there are no bumper stickers of any worth (as far as i know)