Just Because he's Old Doesn't Mean he won't Bite you (1132 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2005-11-15 11:00:55 EST
I grew up in a suburb. Around this were small, hick towns. I mean like right out of the movie "Deliverence" hick towns.
One of these towns housed a crazy old man who sat on the corner downtown on the same rusted old pillar. Every time me and my friend Bryan passed through for work he would stop whatever he was doing and glare at us... blatantly. One time he actually dropped some flower pot he was holding to do this.
But on one particular Tuesday, I'd decided I'd had enough.
Bryan fired up a joint as we entered downtown Richland. It looked like a ghost town today, except for the old man sitting, waiting. As we pulled up his head flung around like an owl's. Bryan pulled up to him and stopped the car, I rolled down the window. I had no idea what I was going to say.
The man slowly released his cane and let it roll to the ground as we made eye contact. The staring game began. Who would be the first to look away. Not me old timer, I will rock your toothless mouth like Van Halen.
His eyes built with intensity, as did his quivering. His cane was starting to shake too, yet it was lying on the ground... Bryan sat next to me and started trying to knock him off his game by making weird noises. God only knows why, but he did this by fake dry-heaving...
"BLLWEEEHH!! BLLWEEEAARF!!" Bryan screamed at the top of his lungs.
The man didn't flinch.
Then, the old man did something genius. He jerked his head at me at random times and made quiet noises...
"nyeh... nyeh... ... ... nyeh..." everytime he made the noise he'd jerk his head and spit. His eyes would light up with the fires of Zeus with every head thrust.
He built with intensity, "NYEH! NYEH!!! NYEH!!"
Eventually, he too was screaming at the top of his lungs.
Then, I realized what he was doing with his head jerks. He lunged into the car and bit my arm. Blood started running down to my elbow.
Bryan floored it.
The man's grasp did not loosen. His legs dragged on the ground alongside the Caprice Classic.
I was screaming like I'd been set on fire. The old man was growling.
Then I heard a woman's voice, "SNAPPER, NO!"
He released my arm and fell out the window, rolling on the pavement. he had to have been 80.
Bryan stopped the car and I heard her scream, "DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SNAPPER!"
With that, we took off. Snapper did indeed have teeth, and they were very sharp. I immediately went to the hospital and got shots and stitches.
The next day Bryan and I drove seperate. Bryan went through the town and I added a half hour on my trip by going around it. But, I guess Snapper had a cast on his arm and a sign around his neck that said "Don't look at me".
Kind of demeaning for Good ol' Snapper.
But then again, I ended up being the one who could never look my Grandparents in the eyes again.
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-06-04 20:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-23 22:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember you. Nice story old user #.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-18 15:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ozzy-
"I found this oddly intriging, and more than a little disturbed."
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"Oddly intriguing" and "a little disturbed" sums up Jon in a nutshell.
Good show. +2 as usual.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-17 02:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost it at "DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SNAPPER!"
I'm going to make it my mission to incorporate that phrase into my workday.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just can't buy this kind of entertainmnet
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-15 12:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this oddly intriging, and more than a little disturbed.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like crazy!
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But, I guess Snapper had a cast on his arm and a sign around his neck that said "Don't look at me".
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gold
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 11:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck!?!
You're a fuckin' weirdo. I love it.
You made Bored @ ETS! http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/hahahahahahaha.htm
Plus, you made my favorite authors list. (where MVA should be)