Old people: I'm sick and tired of your genitals. (1715 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-11-15 13:41:48 EST
Look, seniors. I've always had your back, and you know it. Remember the time we did that stuff? Yeah. That was fun. You cannot imagine how hard this must be for me. Yet I cannot allow such an issue to linger between friends.
It all started innocently enough. I remember the first time I saw my grandfather's balls. He walked into the room in which my brother and I were watching a Disney movie without a belt wrapped around his pants, leaving them to droop further and further with each step. The caramel surprise in the center was his lack of boxers, briefs, or boxer-briefs. I can recall wondering whether or not I was part of an alien race. I was just a young kid. I had no idea what they were supposed to look like. When we were kings.
Over time, my optimism and enthusiasm for your family jewels waned, and finally, deteriorated to none at all. It did not take many visits to the gym locker room to realize that the elderly are destined to have testicles that roll around like a perpetual motion machine. And therein lies the problem. It's your fucking fault that I know this, you assholes! I could have gone my whole life with healthy junk and not had that horrible vision of the future. It would have been nice to just wake up one day and say, "oh, my dick looks like one of the leg warmers from Flashdance. Wonder how that happened?" But no, you insist on having absolutely no shame. You think I like the constant reminder of how things are going to go? Put on a towel! It's not fun to hang at the YMCA.
I think it would be a lot easier for me if I had only seen it from the male perspective. But to know what the beautiful female form will become, well, it's truly terrifying. I probably could have avoided this one. I led a modest life, staying away from grandma sex porn and HBO Real Sex specials. But once again your complete lack of modesty ruined my visual virginity.
I met her around this time two years ago. My girlfriend at the time took me to San Diego to meet her mother for the first time. We're talking 55 or so here, beyond any rational MILF parameters. We had to spend the night down there. I assumed that the mother would maintain the kind of civility and social grace you find in your average old lady.
No. As I walked to the restroom our first morning after arrival, I caught a fleeting glimpse of my girlfriend's mother doing aerobics. I thought nothing of it, and urinated without incident. It was not until I made my way back to the bedroom when I was struck by a terrible sight. The aerobics were being performed in spandex. To complicate matters, she was not wearing those adult diaper panties that prevent the young and weak of heart from being perturbed by horrible sights. I quickly rushed back and jumped into bed.
After a few more hours of sleep, I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen for a drink and maybe some breakfast. She was still in the spandex. Although my every eye movement was designed to avoid a glance at her crotch, inevitably it would stray into my field of vision.
I don't mean to be cruel, but I have to tell you. Her vagina? It was blown out. It was like a punctured tire leaking a category five hurricane. It was like candles on an austistic child's menorah. It was a department store liquidation sale. It was blown out like getting your asshole caught in a pool drain. It was blown out like the back of Kurt Cobain's skull. I actually had a newfound respect for my girlfriend's father, even though he walked out on her years ago. It can't be easy to blow it out like that.
Luckily she had a Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for, and I was left alone to enjoy a little football. (yes, yes, Brits and Aussies...blah blah football is for pussies) In any event, I found myself distracted by the game, nearly forgetting her cavernous gap entirely until I looked up at a commercial and found her hovering above me. Christmas was still a month away, yet there I was, hanging under the missile toe.
"Dinner won't be ready until about six. Would you care for a sandwich?"
"Ummm..."
Let me defuse the suspense. I didn't take the sandwich. What I did take, however, is a lifetime of horrible nightmares.
I would have overlooked even that, in exchange for the thrills you old people provide me on a daily basis. But last weekend you took it too far. On a public street in Hollywood, in the middle of the day, I saw two bums fucking. They were both men. The homeless need to get in where they can fit in, I wouldn't begrudge them public sex. I will even turn a blind eye to homeless, public gay sex. But this was homeless, public gay senior citizen sex. It was like stumbling into a yo-yo battle. It was truly horrific, and to them I say, die. Soon. You're already old, so I don't think I'm asking too much.
As for the rest of you, I'm not saying you have to die, but how about wearing a burka, so the rest of us don't ever have to look at your ugly snatch. You don't need any more sun anyway. Those liver spots aren't getting any less brown.
I wish I had a twist ending where it turned out I was having sex with my grandmother all along, but no. You people still disgust me. Fin.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet it'd be funny to be in the same room as you and Method.
Not for the gay sex, either.
I just mean that you are both unbelievably funny people. And, if you're this funny when you write, you must be SO SUPER FUNNY when you're talking. And Method is also that way.
I may or may not have overexplained everything to the point of retardation.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, how did I miss this? I miss you, btw. I'm at work, but surrounded by many people who would frown upon aim express. Hope to talk to you again soon.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You write in short sentences. Something not many people can do.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-16 13:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have you seen the nut bra sketch. that is some funny shit dealing with this very subject.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-16 07:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude I was eating!
Seriously just.....eargh
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew this would be horrible. It was. Why can we not trust our gut reaction and just LOOK AWAY? Human beings have to rubberneck when you go past a car crash. rotten.com says too much about our sickness as a species.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole paragraph was fucking funny:
"I don't mean to be cruel, but I have to tell you. Her vagina? It was blown out. It was like a punctured tire leaking a category five hurricane. It was like candles on an austistic child's menorah. It was a department store liquidation sale. It was blown out like getting your asshole caught in a pool drain. It was blown out like the back of Kurt Cobain's skull. I actually had a newfound respect for my girlfriend's father, even though he walked out on her years ago. It can't be easy to blow it out like that."
BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boy, did this ever bring back some great memories.
Oh, to be young and at eye level with Pop-Pop's ashen, wrinkled beanbag again...
What??
Don't judge, bitches. Don't judge.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking beautiful
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah thank god. A little goodness on this site goes a long way for me.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:06:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Indian boy: Father, how do we get our names? Indian Chief: The first thing you see after you are born, is what you are named. Like your sister, Running Water. And your brother, Three Arrows. Why do you ask this question, Two Bums Fucking?
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I love the way this woman thinks, she has just been added to my favorite women of UBER list.
Great story Tinactin, always enjoy reading you.
Submitted by Leroy_Brown (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How can I deny full marks to someone who makes me laugh that many times.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more love.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh* it was a joke, guys. A joke. Like I could have escaped the "symbolism" in that statement.
What is the world coming to?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:53:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:15:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
You be quiet. Actual yo-yo battles are AWESOME!
also... mistletoe. Not missile toe.
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I think that he was referring to her gaping crotch wound.
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Nail on the head
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I work in a hospital. The things I've seen will traumatize me for the rest of my natural life.
I could write a series.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never seen homeless bum sex...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you for not including a picture
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:15:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
You be quiet. Actual yo-yo battles are AWESOME!
also... mistletoe. Not missile toe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think that he was referring to her gaping crotch wound.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You be quiet. Actual yo-yo battles are AWESOME!
also... mistletoe. Not missile toe.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:06:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Indian boy: Father, how do we get our names? Indian Chief: The first thing you see after you are born, is what you are named. Like your sister, Running Water. And your brother, Three Arrows. Why do you ask this question, Two Bums Fucking?
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Hahahahaaaaaaaa
I mean....
Ew
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my deepest respect.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was like stumbling into a yo-yo battle. It was truly horrific"
HHHHHHHAAAAAAA
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indian boy: Father, how do we get our names? Indian Chief: The first thing you see after you are born, is what you are named. Like your sister, Running Water. And your brother, Three Arrows. Why do you ask this question, Two Bums Fucking?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS,
I was thinking the exact same thing.
You are one sick fuck!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"homeless, public gay senior citizen sex"
That sounds like some sort of 'Lemonparty of the Streets'...
They're doing for lemonparties what David Blane did for magic.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read. I laughed out loud.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LA DA DA DA
LA DA DA DI
LA DA DA DUM-DUM!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"oh, my dick looks like one of the leg warmers from Flashdance. Wonder how that happened?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA