The End Is Nigh (1218 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Yellow Dart (View user info) at 2005-11-15 13:47:37 EST
Sometimes I look out my window twice to see what's changed in the split second that it took me to look away and then back out again. A human appeared from behind a building. As the human that's walking by, I'm pinching myself to stay awake. It's far too early to be walking, I would think as I kick a can on the sidewalk in front of me. I imagine that the can probably won't respond to this abuse, but if it did I think it would be rather depressed after a hard night out. It got crushed and left behind, you see. It probably was having a great time at some party when someone decided to pick it up and take it along for a walk when suddenly they turned on it and just left it by the curb while the gang continued down the street. "Can down! Can down!" it silently wept. Countless numbers of things get treated like shit by humans on a daily basis, which is wrong; some fecal matter doesn't even know how to swim and of all the warm, dry places you could dispose look where you dump it; heartless bastards.
I think that the rest of the world should really get some revenge on humans. I know some worldly aspects are trying to get back at humans, but really there's no reason why they can't come together and just solve their problems. The metals and oils do some part by becoming knifes and gasoline soaked bombs, but I'd like to see more large beams falling on construction workers and even smaller plastic parts that should be kept away from children under 40. The weather system and bacterial sectors are doing good jobs; hurricane movement is excellent and a few deadly diseases always exist; good job team. I'd like to criticise mountains, as too many of you are being "conquered" these days; let's sharpen those peaks ladies. A sub-par effort is being put out by domesticated animals as well. Cats being de-clawed, dogs rolling over for the chance of a treat, pigs and cows just stand around and willingly get killed (come on, at least increase your fat contents so we get more heart attacks); you'd kill more people in a good old-fashioned stampede. Any substance that gets used at hospitals should just feel down-right stupid for even existing; you're not a team player here. Do you want to become the next human, aloe? Well? Do you? You know what we do to non-team players around here.
The earth could kick our ass if it could get its shit together. I wouldn't blame it either. We've gotten to the point where we're giving the rest of them a bad reputation. Like when the dinosaurs were still around it got to a point where the stegosaurus and the brontosaurus would do nothing all day but squabble over the quality of mud "these days" and they started complaining while they were being eaten by T-rex about how shitty the weather was. The earth back then had its head in the game and didn't take any shit. Gravity and the ozone really came together where gravity pinned their dino-asses to the ground and sucked in a juicy comet while the ozone thickened up and kept that dirt floating in the air for years.
It wouldn't take much really; if, for example, lava would get moving it could get the crust moving, earthquakes could happen, this would rattle the snakes of the world, who would then go and bite things. Sharks would deploy their feet and clear off the near-sea population. Air could do a lot of shit. Anything from taking a vacation from earth for a couple days to condensing all its pressure to just 10 feet from the ground, or becoming really windy and making clouds and lightning and shit.
One thing humans have made which will bite them in the ass is the ability to track time. Dinosaurs didn't know shit about clocks and they pretty much relied on the sun and keeping regular with Metamucil. Time could screw with the internal mind stuff that humans have by repeating minutes and counting backwards and fast forwarding; they rely so much on time that insanity would set in, making the possibility for sharks to walk much greater.
Birds alone could destroy humans. I'm serious. You get a flock of seagulls with one thing on their minds and that thing will happen. Ever notice how you can throw a rock at a seagull and it will fly in a big loop then land in the exact same spot? They could do that all day, stubborn fuckers. They could move as a swarm poking peoples eyes out across the land; I'm talking millions upon millions of them all flying at you going after your eyes; your shotgun doesn't have shit on that, Bub. Needless to say, the whole world could be blind in a matter of days and you bet your ass there won't be enough seeing-eye dogs to go around. Besides, if the world adhered to a plan all the seeing-eye dogs would begin walking backwards everywhere so the human thinks they're going forward. When they bend down to pet or maybe kiss where they think the head of the dog should be they'd just get a face-full of dog ass. That probably wouldn't do much, but some OCD's would go mad looking for soap, and hell hath no furry like a blind, OCD with shit on their nose. I'm picturing a fat Latino woman by the way.
It's a tad ironic that I should support the extinction of humans as I'm obviously not an elephant based on the size of keys on a keyboard. As a human I'm a bit annoyed with how I'm behaving. Why just the other day while I was building a sandcastle when I caught my self complaining about getting sand in my eyes when I tried to enter my glorious kingdom. If that sand wanted to it could have taught me a lesson by caving in on me and forcing itself in my ears, which will stick to my wax collection; my precious. This opened my eyes (metaphorically as it actually made me close them) about how easily this could all be over. Most people would get all optimistic and say we need to treat the earth better and that stuff, but I'm not an optimist. You're still going to go out for lunch and walk across a patch of grass without thanking it. No, I'm pretty sure we're all jerks. I tried to be a tree for Halloween to join the other team but I really didn't like having squirrels tickling my ear with those stupid tails all the time; it was the squirrel sex that got to me though.
No, we humans are pretty much screwed in the long run. The best we can hope for is a less painful extinction than those bitchy dinosaurs got. I have a bad feeling that at the exact moment that gravity kicks in to pin us all down I'm going to walking by one of those "large men's clothing" stores (oaf stores as I like to call them) and be pinned underneath some sweaty ogre who'll probably be dressed in stretched sweat pants. So, I guess the moral of the story is that you should recycle those cans to confuse the earth a little more, or just long enough until you've accepted death/ wish to screw future generations; or else a shark will kick you in the genitalia.
*Here's an artist's rendering of our grim future. Incredible.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS I like.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:24:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
________
I was listening to your music on your site tonight for a bit; some pretty cool songs. How long have you been playing for?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:52:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
You have a link to Dissectional on there!!
Awesome!
Does this mean this will go into the "Best of ETS archive" at the end of the week?
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Yea. It will be there always and forever. :)
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. A lot.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You have a link to Dissectional on there!!
Awesome!
Does this mean this will go into the "Best of ETS archive" at the end of the week?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:23:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs way more attention!
__________________
haha, thanks ETS. It's such an honour to be on B @ ETS
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.. effing brilliant.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs way more attention!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement." - Homer Simpson
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope Loren will read this. The file name is related. I think the picture is some of her finest work!
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another classic.
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+eleventy billion
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking sweet!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
This is the kind of shit I think of a lot. I saw a television show on Discovery or something about the Mayan calendar once, about how it's going to end in December of 2012, and because the Mayans believed man would be destroyed by his own creations in the end (kind of like Frankenstein) they depicted vacuum cleaners and toasters and ovens and shit coming alive and likking their human masters.
It was funny.
By the way, you just made Bored @ ETS! http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/hahahahahahaha.htm
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever drugs you are or aren't on, I want them
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-15 14:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I see your user name I say "The Yellow Dart" in a Strongbad voice.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just noticed the sharks fin gear.
ha!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1.5 No Comment.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-15 13:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment