Adventures in AA (The First Session) (1310 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.27 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sphagnum (View user info) at 2005-11-15 15:31:52 EST
I've recently begun therapy for a rather serious alcohol related problem. In order to avoid doing a stint in prison, I have to attend a support group every week until the end of June, in an effort to rehabilitate myself.
My first session took place on Monday night. After a hard day's sleep, I had to travel by train to an inner city suburb, where the clinic was
located, and listen to bunch of alcomaholic dimples carry on about how
society is against them and the only reason they drink is because some
alien satellite has reprogrammed their brain and forced them to do it
against their will. Now, being the generous, easy-going psychopath that I am, I decided that they were all my enemies and any effort on their part to try and connect would be dismissed as jealous, intoxicated
maneuvering.
I turned up about 20 minutes before the session was scheduled to begin
(Stupid fucking train timetable) and picked a spot that I thought
would render me as inconspicuous as possible.
What were the odds?
Not very good, that's for sure. No sooner had I pulled out the book I'm
half way through at the moment and begun reading it, when some 4ft, red headed midget strolled through the door and made a beeline straight for me. He thrust his tiny, obviously disease stricken hand in my direction and said:
"Hello, you must be new here, my name's merryl."
Merryl?? What the fucking hellfire kind of name is merryl??
"Nice to meet you Darryl, my name escapes me."
"It's actually 'M.E.R.R.Y.L'" came the abrupt reply.
"Sorry, I thought M.E.R.R.Y.L was a girl's name."
"FUCK YOU!"
"Take it easy there bud, I'm just messing with you Darryl. Can I call you Darryl?"
"FUCK OFF!"
I hope I never have to see something as ridiculous as that again in my life. His face actually became the same colour as his hair while he screamed at the top his lungs.
A few other members of the group who had been milling around in the foyer, heard the commotion inside and darted through the door to see what all the noise was about. By the time they had entered the room and taken stock, I was happily back reading my book, safe in the knowledge that Berryl would tell them all how much of an Cunt I was and they would decide to avoid me like I'd planned. Meanwhile, he was storming off to the other side of the room, ready to take up a position and do his best to psyche me out with his evil "little" stare.
Without even looking up from my book, the bird got flipped in his general direction and more cursing was heard as he realized the futility of his devious "little" plan.
I'd barely gotten through half a dozen pages before the entire group began making their way into the room and taking up their respective positions. My attention was immediately drawn to the Indian looking gentleman bringing up the rear. He was dressed in a pair of cheap gray pants with a canary yellow shirt and a ridiculously dull brown sweater. He carried a small crate filled with pamphlets, pens, books and various other pieces of therapy related paraphernalia.
He marched directly to the front of the room whilst all the other Cocktail jockeys took up their seemingly regular positions throughout the dungeon. A few began muttering amongst themselves and looking over at me as if I was Jesus incarnate. I couldn't blame them though, I sometimes wonder myself.
"Right people, it is time for our session to begin." Said the Indian.
"Who's the new prick?" Blurted the midget.
"I resent being called 'who'" I retorted, as his eyes shifted between the various freaks in the room.
"You must be Sphagnum (can you believe that it is actually my real name?), welcome to the '[name withheld] drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic'. I am Yash, your group conductor. Would you like to tell us what circumstances have brought you amongst us this fine day?"
Who the hell speaks like that anyway?
"Not particularly."
"You will find that the best way to benefit from this incredible process is to be open with yourself AND your brothers and sisters who sit beside you today."
"I got drunk and accidentally hit an old lady."
"Very good. So you were guilty of DUI and have been sent here by the judicial system to rehabilitate your good self?"
"DUI? Who said anything about that? I said that I got drunk and accidentally hit an old lady."
"I assumed that you were referring to the fact that you ran into her with your car."
"And I assumed that I would be coming to a class where the most important person in the group, i.e. YOU, the 'lecturer' would be able to string together two words of fucking English, looks like we were both wrong, doesn't it?"
"We don't like it when people are singled out for derision in this group. It is unnecessary for you to pass judgement on any person in this room. The whole idea of this spectacular process is to judge ourselves."
"Then I judge myself bored and uneasy at the same time."
"Please don't change the subject Mr. Sphagnum" (Yep, my name is 'Sphagnum Sphagnum'.
"What subject?"
"Please be telling us how you accidentally hit this old lady."
"Well, I was at a function in the Park Royal just up the road from here. After having a few drinks, I nicked out onto the balcony to have a smoke. Unfortunately, I leant over the rails to far and fell off. Five stories of sheer terror before SPLAT, I landed on an old lady."
"Was she ok?"
"I didn't get to ask her, she was dead."
"My goodness. How do you fell about this?"
"I feel violated."
"Violated? How?"
"Because if that old bitch wasn't standing there, I wouldn't have had anything to break my fall and therefore wouldn't be sitting in this stupid fucking room, entertaining a bunch of imbeciles with my heroic tales of misfortune."
"Please remember what I said about judging people in the room. We do not come hear to listen to others focus their negative energy on our shortcomings."
At the mere mention of the word 'short' I couldn't help but take the opportunity to let the midget know I was thinking of him.
"Well stop asking me inane fucking questions then."
After a brief pause to take it all in, mohammed decided it would be wise to leave me for now and move on to someone else who may be somewhat more forthcoming with what he wanted to here. That was about the same time that I decided to go back to the book I was reading which was infinitely more stimulating then anything else that was going to happen in the room.
After about an hour of tourette's infested gibberish, the session finally came to an end. With a long, drawn out sigh, the group arose and dispersed back to the gutter from whence they came.
"Mr. Sphagnum, can you please remain behind so I can discuss with you the conditions of your sentence and explain to you exactly what I expect over the next 7 months."
Stay tuned.........
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-08 05:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ish
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-08 05:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-12-07 19:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-14 17:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
n00b
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-01-12 10:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-12-02 14:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ha ha fucktard!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-16 21:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har ya drunk
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Part 2 :- http://www.ubersite.com/m/79346
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-16 15:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:55:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH YEAH YEAH
GO SOCCEROOS WOO!
-------
Fucking oath! For the first time in 32 years, Australia is going to the FIFA World Cup in Germany '06.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-16 09:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not, this is fun to read.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH YEAH YEAH
GO SOCCEROOS WOO!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-16 03:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:06:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oops! 0 for 3, Mr. Wizard.
Wanna take a few more guesses?
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You're so sensitive, princess. I'm thinking I was closer to 3 out of 3 based on your pathetic reaction.
Why don't you fuck off to the nursing home already where HOPEFULLY they won't have a computer for you to pollute the internet with your lies and nauseatingly obvious exaggerations?
With any luck, they may even have a euthanasia chamber that they can "fine tune" on a brain dead idiot like yourself. You'd make a good Guinea pig, fuckbag. You're ruoughly the same size as one anyway.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously hope that there will be
a few more of these to come?
Great read.
Everyone loves a smart-arse (esp. Australians)
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
posh.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:27:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
You killed a woman, that's not funny.
-------
What would be funny is if that woman was you.
Great Job Sphagnum. Good Read.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but whom hit the old lady, and why?
oh ya, you did, cause you were drunk.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Do you have to get some kind of sheet stamped and signed? I had to.
I just bought some online that looked exactly like the real stamp while my brother signed em off.
It was an act of pure genius.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"entertaining a bunch of imbeciles with my heroic tales of misfortune"
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looking forward to the rest. Amused me more than most posts. Character seems well developed, based on someone you know???
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:27:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
You killed a woman, that's not funny.
===
What's not funny is that people don't realize this is fiction. Something pretty fucking obvious.
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You killed a woman, that's not funny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oops! 0 for 3, Mr. Wizard.
Wanna take a few more guesses?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:58:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, AA sure can't hurt that brilliant "personality" you exhibit in this forum.
Good luck, Alkie.
Maybe someday, Shlongy will give you some lessons in how to handle your booze and dope and live a productive and lucrative life, and even talk to broads!
-----------
So I can turn into a middle aged loser with a small dick, a fat bitch wife and a home made out of cardboard boxes?
I don't think so, geriatrix.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forget*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, AA sure can't hurt that brilliant "personality" you exhibit in this forum.
Good luck, Alkie.
Maybe someday, Shlongy will give you some lessons in how to handle your booze and dope and live a productive and lucrative life, and even talk to broads!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You wish, homo. Nice to see that my comments cut so deep that they forced you to change your ratings, bébé."""
Honestly, sometimes I just forgot about my rating. Mostly because they don't mean anything. I actually found your comment funny. Anyway, here's a +2. I hope you'll recover.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:40:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
L'amphibien t'encule.
--------
You wish, homo. Nice to see that my comments cut so deep that they forced you to change your ratings, bébé.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
L'amphibien t'encule.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:19:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:45:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
actual content...wow
---------
There's plenty more here :- http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=16703
===
This post contains more words than the rest of you posts combined.
-------
Grossly inaccurate, my amphibious friend.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:45:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
actual content...wow
---------
There's plenty more here :- http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=16703
===
This post contains more words than the rest of you posts combined.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-15 17:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
I was told in my court-ordered rehab clinic that I wasn't allowed to swear, read, or be a general asshole or it'd be a revocation of my probation and I'd go to jail. But I sure as shit don't have to play ball. It took them a few months to realise I will answer questions with outlandish fabrications.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we just call this the continuation of mine?
--> http://www.ubersite.com/m/78174
Linkwhorage!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
actual content...wow
---------
There's plenty more here :- http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=16703
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This may be one of the few series I actually continue to read.
Good stuff.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actual content...wow
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:24:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, it sounds to me like you clearly don't have a problem with drinking.
Murphy used to make great posts about how much better he was than everyone at AA too. Then he sort of lost everything and fell of the face of the planet. But don't worry, I'm sure his attitude and what happened to him were in no way related.
-----------
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=fiction
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well holy shit the fucktard can be funny.
Good job shitstain.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they know not with whom they toy
what?
At any rate, I would think that they would let you sort of sit there and absorb things to make you feel comfortable instead of trying to get you to play along right away.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, it sounds to me like you clearly don't have a problem with drinking.
Murphy used to make great posts about how much better he was than everyone at AA too. Then he sort of lost everything and fell of the face of the planet. But don't worry, I'm sure his attitude and what happened to him were in no way related.
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AA is hilarious: "Oh Im just so happy, Im not going to have to lose my home and sleep in a pile of rotten mcdonalds burgers because I can cash in my 401k from before I was a loser and Im getting a new part time job at the hy vee deli!"
"Uhhhhhh, I, uh, didn't get laid last weekend????"
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:04:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-15 16:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want one of those glasses
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well told.
i went to an AA meeting once. it acctually made me feel substantially better about my drinking, because those people were WAAAAY more fucked up than i was.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That poor old lady.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-15 15:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn formatting. Oh well, at least there is content for a change.