Worst Breakup Email Ever. (2129 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.05 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by quack (View user info) at 2005-11-15 22:57:43 EST
-----Original Message-----
From: [mailto:********]
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:50 AM
To: ******
Subject: ugh
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all
of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,
I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I
don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior
didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because
I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just
about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up
there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give
anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
-----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
Subject: Re: Ugh....enjoy.
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load
of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck
him" somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't
think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run
of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as
your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty
hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my
place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for
a h! and job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is
that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you
on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh
our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
User Reviews
Submitted by RiCe_KrIsPy_WhOrE (user info) at 2008-01-07 20:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why post this? That's my question. Are you trying to validate your sense of self worth because the only women you can get are dime store hookers? You want us to tell you something reassuring to make yourself feel better? I'm sorry, you are worthless. After reading this I feel like putting my head in a microwave! No, I'm sorry that's a lie. I don't hate it that much. I really feel like putting your head in a microwave, and you should too!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 20:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plagiarized or not, this is all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 19:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a list of breakup emails i've gotten over the past year:
1) Monday
Hey Tim,
I've been wanting to write you this email, but I havent been able to think of the exact words that I have been wanting to say, so I am going to do my best. This past Saturday when I went to my friend's party, there was an old friend of mine there. We havent talked in a while, but we got along really well that night. Since then we have decided to see where things will take us, and to try and establish what we once had and hopefully develop it more. I am the type of person that does my best to give 100% to everything I do, and thats why it wouldnt be fair of me to continue to see you. I feel you deserve someone who is going to give you 100% and I am just not able to do that right now.
You are a great guy, and so much fun to be around. I only wish the best for you, and hope that you can understand this. Thanks for everything
Sincerly,
C*******
2) April
Hey Tim, I can't meet you for lunch today. I havent slept much at all and I've been doing a lot of thinking about things and there is no easy way to say this. I didnt go to sleep early last night I went to my ex boyfriends hockey game and then ended up hanging out with him for awhile and talking a lot of stuff out and basically we are going to get back together. I never expected this to happen and when I met you I thought I was over him but I saw him recently at school and we've been talking alittle and I had to go last night to see if I would feel anything. I feel horrible doing this to you there is nothing wrong with you...you're a great guy and I was so lucky to have dated you but I just don't have the feelings for you that I have for him and its just something I need to do right now. I'm sorry I am telling you like this but I just needed to get it off my chest and am crying writing this so I didnt know how I was going to verbalize it. If you want your sneakers back I'll give them to you or at least give you the money. I never meant to hurt you like this. I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I also know that I may owe you more of an explanation than this so feel free to ask me anything or call me about this. I am going to Maryland still so I'm leaving tonight after class. I am going to try to get some sleep now but will be around all day. I'm really sorry.
J*****
______________________
Translation: I'm going to try things out with someone that is hotter and has a bigger penis... You have a great personality though! By the way, I'm crying because I'm emotionally confused, and trying to validate that I'm less of a cunt by faking emotion.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...meh....
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Plagiarism brings tears to my eyes.
So does Phallic_Cymbals' review - except those are the good kind.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-11-16 23:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
average child porn collector - What's wrong with that? Seriously.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a list of breakup emails i've gotten over the past year:
1) Monday
Hey Tim,
I've been wanting to write you this email, but I havent been able to think of the exact words that I have been wanting to say, so I am going to do my best. This past Saturday when I went to my friend's party, there was an old friend of mine there. We havent talked in a while, but we got along really well that night. Since then we have decided to see where things will take us, and to try and establish what we once had and hopefully develop it more. I am the type of person that does my best to give 100% to everything I do, and thats why it wouldnt be fair of me to continue to see you. I feel you deserve someone who is going to give you 100% and I am just not able to do that right now.
You are a great guy, and so much fun to be around. I only wish the best for you, and hope that you can understand this. Thanks for everything
Sincerly,
C*******
2) April
Hey Tim, I can't meet you for lunch today. I havent slept much at all and I've been doing a lot of thinking about things and there is no easy way to say this. I didnt go to sleep early last night I went to my ex boyfriends hockey game and then ended up hanging out with him for awhile and talking a lot of stuff out and basically we are going to get back together. I never expected this to happen and when I met you I thought I was over him but I saw him recently at school and we've been talking alittle and I had to go last night to see if I would feel anything. I feel horrible doing this to you there is nothing wrong with you...you're a great guy and I was so lucky to have dated you but I just don't have the feelings for you that I have for him and its just something I need to do right now. I'm sorry I am telling you like this but I just needed to get it off my chest and am crying writing this so I didnt know how I was going to verbalize it. If you want your sneakers back I'll give them to you or at least give you the money. I never meant to hurt you like this. I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I also know that I may owe you more of an explanation than this so feel free to ask me anything or call me about this. I am going to Maryland still so I'm leaving tonight after class. I am going to try to get some sleep now but will be around all day. I'm really sorry.
J*****
-----------
haha, I think woman must go to a school on how to write these. I've seem plenty of them.......that Badass kept during his 'dating' years
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a list of breakup emails i've gotten over the past year:
1) Monday
Hey Tim,
I've been wanting to write you this email, but I havent been able to think of the exact words that I have been wanting to say, so I am going to do my best. This past Saturday when I went to my friend's party, there was an old friend of mine there. We havent talked in a while, but we got along really well that night. Since then we have decided to see where things will take us, and to try and establish what we once had and hopefully develop it more. I am the type of person that does my best to give 100% to everything I do, and thats why it wouldnt be fair of me to continue to see you. I feel you deserve someone who is going to give you 100% and I am just not able to do that right now.
You are a great guy, and so much fun to be around. I only wish the best for you, and hope that you can understand this. Thanks for everything
Sincerly,
C*******
2) April
Hey Tim, I can't meet you for lunch today. I havent slept much at all and I've been doing a lot of thinking about things and there is no easy way to say this. I didnt go to sleep early last night I went to my ex boyfriends hockey game and then ended up hanging out with him for awhile and talking a lot of stuff out and basically we are going to get back together. I never expected this to happen and when I met you I thought I was over him but I saw him recently at school and we've been talking alittle and I had to go last night to see if I would feel anything. I feel horrible doing this to you there is nothing wrong with you...you're a great guy and I was so lucky to have dated you but I just don't have the feelings for you that I have for him and its just something I need to do right now. I'm sorry I am telling you like this but I just needed to get it off my chest and am crying writing this so I didnt know how I was going to verbalize it. If you want your sneakers back I'll give them to you or at least give you the money. I never meant to hurt you like this. I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I also know that I may owe you more of an explanation than this so feel free to ask me anything or call me about this. I am going to Maryland still so I'm leaving tonight after class. I am going to try to get some sleep now but will be around all day. I'm really sorry.
J*****
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2005-11-16 22:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plagiarised or not, this is all kinds of awesome. Cheating bitches don't deserve love, sympathy, or oxygen.
Submitted by PigOnLifeSupport (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Cuntmuffin.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dear cunt,
die.
jamie.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
so a whiny, chunky bitch went behind your back on you WHILE YOU WERE OUT ON A DATE WITH HER?
dude, you're pathetic.
Submitted by LilBastard (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for the post since it seems to be the general consensus that it's fake; +2 for Phallic's review.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-16 02:19:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
you must read this all and make sure it keeps going!!!
why guys like girls:
(not going to reprint the whole damn thing)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
now, look under your chair, you'll find a picture of the bride and the best man...
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-16 14:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Could have sworn I got this email last week...
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
do your own homework
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-16 09:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:15:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
plagiarism auto +2
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, just kidding.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plagiarism auto +2
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:25:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism killed my father and raped my mother.
Unsurprisingly it thus warrants a -2.
This comment is actually plagiarised from the 'cigarettes' episode of Family Guy. You hypocritical douche.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Her e-mail: -2
His e-mail: You were getting a +2
I realised it was plagiarised: Back to -1
You were a whiney cunt in your replies: -2, learn from it.
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You missed out Blow-jobs, Phallic.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Do
Not
Care
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
plagia ... plagiarmism ? however you say it , it gives you a -2
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-16 03:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I read her email, and was planning on giving you a -2. Many of us aren't lucky enough to get an apology/explanation or any sort of communication from an ex.
I read your response, and changed my rating to +2, for I realized that your response was not only justified, but funny.
Then I read it was plagiarized. Auto -2, dick.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-11-16 03:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This would have been teriffic....
If my Inbox was broken.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-11-16 02:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this guy below me has got to be out of his god damn mind. Hey dude, pretty much the same shit happened to me this weekend, and I ended up hooking up with this other babe anyway, so fuck whores, right?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-16 02:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you must read this all and make sure it keeps going!!!
why guys like girls:
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden
everything is right in
the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds
yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that
silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25.The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their
souls and you say a million things without trace of a
sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart.We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
and i never said it was me who wrote it. it that was implied in some ridiculous way, my bad
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for not assuming that something YOU posted had been written by you.
next time ill just assume that you knew a guy who knew a guy in the air force who wrote it.
-2die cockbreath
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:21:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism makes baby Hemmingway cry
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen this....however, only -1 because its still funny.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Funny is good, innovative is better.
Please, come up with some of your OWN ideas, and I will take this rating away.
I had high hopes, until I read the reviews.
I think I may actually hate you!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have just posted a pic of a nude woman. You have to press more buttons to do that and you would have got a better rating.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i really enjoyed reading it.
plagiarism is for losers
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism killed my father and raped my mother.
Unsurprisingly it thus warrants a -2.
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:11:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
PAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why do every girl break up like that. "I don't want you to hate me, and I don't me to be percieved like this, don't hate me, think about me all your life, me me me!"
Your reply was fucking gold.
I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caul is right, the reply is fucking golden. Too bad it's stolen tho.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit, good thing you corrected that egregious spelling error! i definitely would've called you out on that!
and a friend's friend seems to me to be an allowable link. maybe you just don't have many. sorry..
nevertheless, it's funny, as several have acknowledged, so i thought i'd post it. deal.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh knoes?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Son of a...
"knows," not "knoes"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You know the guy that knoes the guy at the Air Force academy that wrote this?
NO WAY!!!
My sister's best friend's gynocologist gave a pap smear to a patient whose mechanic's submissive gay lover's dogwalker knows that guy!!
Another guy I know has made thousands from Microsoft from passing on their chain letter. $1 for every name that he's responsible for. Shit, that money adds up faster'n evidence in a Columbo episode, I'll tell you what.
And this OTHER guy I know totally has both the genuine footage from the Kennedy assassination AND the dental records to prove that the body he found under his driveway is Jimmy Hoffa.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/189/926/320/H%20and%20Puppies.jpg
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and i never said it was me who wrote it. it that was implied in some ridiculous way, my bad
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, a friend sent it to me who personally knows the guy at the air force academy who wrote it to his girlfriend. since then, i've received it a couple times from other friends through forwarded emails. no doubt it was posted on that site as well. i suppose none of this matters though. i must be a "completely retarded plagiarizer!" oh well.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HOLY SHIT HUV U SEEN TAT DANCING BUSH WEBSITE LOLZ?!?!?!?!?!?!
1. Take a gun
2. Shoot your face
3. Repeat until unable to continue.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+15 because it was awesome.
-17 cause you're not.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't really write this review. I found it somewhere else and have passed it off as my own.
I felt it somewhat appropriate for this...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought this was so awesome I beat my baby against the wall until it stopped crying.
Then I read it was plaigarised. I want my daughter back, asshole.
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism makes baby Hemmingway cry
Submitted by mallett (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagiarism auto -2.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh...too bad
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.wongkarwai.net/best_breakup_letter_ever
Plagiarism -2.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why do every girl break up like that. "I don't want you to hate me, and I don't me to be percieved like this, don't hate me, think about me all your life, me me me!"
Your reply was fucking gold.
I love you.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha