I can't play basketball for shit. (641 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.5 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bluto (View user info) at 2005-11-16 04:16:47 EST
Listen, I know this is Indiana, and basketball is a religion here, but I'm sorry; I can't do it. I've tried, too. Maybe it's that I'm not from this state. Maybe it's that I have the aim of a Parkinson's patient. Whatever it is, I've had enough. I have feebly attempted to have fun playing this game, but when you are as terrible as I am, it just isn't possible.
And I know someone of my stature, you would assume, has some experience playing basketball. Wrong. I wasn't picked last in Gym class, I just flat wasn't picked. Sure, I'm 6'4" but height isn't synonymous with basketball talent. Please stop acting as if it is. A man can only deal with so many disappointed teammates in his time, and I've pissed of more than my share of you. If you still can't comprehend the horrific nature of my "game," let me break it down for you.
As far as ball control is concerned, you'd be better passing the ball to a double amputee. How many turnovers must I commit before you take it yourself? You think one would realize after about the sixth time I dribbled a ball off of my foot that passing to me is a bad idea.
You can forget about my defensive skills while you're at it. I am the inspiration for all of those lame insults you hear on the court. I've been "taken to school," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and "ridden like a bitch." How do I deal with it? After a while, you just get used to it.
My jump shot isn't any better either. I can't shoot for shit. Helen Keller has a better jump shot than I. With one arm tied behind her back. As she's being guarded by Shaquille O'Neal. If I had a dime for each of the 100 people I've hit upside the head with a jump shot gone awry, well, I'd have about $10.
Sorry, I can't dunk either. It isn't that I can't manage to put the ball through the hole, that part is easy. It's that I can't manage to get up that fucking high. Factor in my lack of balance, and on more than one occasion, a dunk attempt has put me into an ambulance with a brace around my neck. I'm on a first name basis with the neurologist down at Methodist Hospital.
I don't wish to sell myself completely short, though, for I do have ONE talent on a basketball court, but even that I wouldn't call much of a talent. I can distract a shooter like none other. Most of you jackasses just like to make phallic jokes or shout. Pussies! Nothing throws a man off like the sight of testicles near his nose. My hairy ass is responsible for more missed shots than noisemakers, thundersticks, and waving towels combined. You'd never think of it, but a dirty needle in the ankle would make even Larry Bird airball a free-throw. I bet Magic Johnson never thought of that one.
Add up all of my "skills," and you've got a borderline autistic point guard. That's fine by me. So, feel free to leave me out of your next game, guys; I won't be offended.
User Reviews
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God punished me by taking away my skillz--seriously. In 8th grade I was the leading scorer in my league/conference, then I quit the basketball team my freshman year of high school for stupid reasons, and God took my mojo.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only white boy here who can play basketball? Fucking A, thats depressing.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-16 10:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 basketball $$
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-16 10:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sky hook
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-16 09:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I relate to this only too much. Even the hairy ass comment.
I've been 6'2" since I was 12, so I was a natural pick for center in middle school. Until I was cut after a day of tryouts. I tried again the next year for JV. No dice. By the next year, all the short guys had grown to my height or more, so I was literally just a body to complete the roster on a team full of chiseled black guys. Oh, and a few hispanic dudes as well.
I tried out for varsity the next year and made it because--and I shit you not--only SEVEN players were academically eligible. Including myself. And even then, when I told the coach after a few weeks that I was planning on participating in the school musical, he agreed it would be for the best if I stopped coming to practice. Soo, literally "nothing" was a better player than myself.
In all fairness, he had coached Elton Brand only a fear years before that.
But, to my credit, I have dunked in my lifetime. On standard rims. I have proof. http://www.ubersite.com/m/47042
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm about 6'4", but my inherent whiteness keeps me from excelling at BB, even with a 14" vertical jump.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
seen better
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dumbass. An honest dumbass but a dumbass, nonetheless.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled once I think.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was boring.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-16 07:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You ever played Netball?
Man that's a savage game. And don't ANY of you guys say Netball is a pussy womenz game unless you've fucking played it with a bunch of bitchy girls in -20 degree weather in school. That scarred me for life, literally and figuratively.
>crawls into corner to twitch<
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-16 07:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nices
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Basketball is teh ghey.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-11-16 06:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think there should an Uber Olympics
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel ya bluto
i was kicked off the football team in my junior year by the district(not the coach)when it was discovered i had been taping sail-slats(the plywood or hard plastic used to stiffen the sails on boats) on both of my forearms
as a DE, the opposing teams would try and go around my side once, and sometimes even twice during each game
the concussions and injuries started to mount up and i was busted
at 6'5(then) i turned to BB, but i couldn't dunk for a shit either
my vertical jump was about 4" so i was lucky, with a tail wind, to get half the ball above the rim it was the Rick Berry "oooooooooh no touchy, touchy" era, so i was fucked defensively
i had a killer hook shot, ala Lew Alcinder, but that was it
white men can't jump......but we can sure own the fucking players
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like basketball, but I know what I hate. And i don't hate this.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh to be 6'4"...I'd probably be on a college team.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto autism +2