The Uber Learning Annex. Sandwich 101: Peanut Butter and Jelly. (2106 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.67 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2005-11-16 16:27:21 EST
I realize that many people looked at this title and thought "What the fuck, who doesn't know how to make a sandwich?" Well, you don't. Sure you might be able to slap some stuff between a couple of pieces of bread, but thats not a sandwich. Thats a sammich. Sammich's are snacks, a sandwich is a work of art. A true sandwich is something you can be proud of, and something that can not be beat in terms of taste.
After many hours in the test kitchen, I've come up with this: The perfect Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.
Okay first of all you need to do a quick equipment check. If need be, run to the store. Here is what you are going to need to make a Peanut utter and Jelly Sandwich.
Bread
Peanut Butter
Jelly
A butter knife
A plate
Several napkins
While at the store you will have to make 3 serious choices: What kind of Peanut Butter to buy, What kind of Jelly to buy and What kind of bread to buy.
Your Peanut Butter (Or PB as it will now be called) choices are relatively simple. It basically comes down "Jif" and "Skippy". If you cant find either of these brands, you can use an inferior PB, but you should try and shop around. If need be, mail order. Spare no expense when it comes to your PB.
Jif is generally the better choice. It's easier to spread and has a nice taste. It is stickier than Skippy, but I'm usually okay with making that trade-off. Skippy is also a quality PB, but it has more of a tangy taste to it. It's an aquired taste.
Go with creamy PB. I cannot stress this enough. Odds are this is your first sandwich, and chunky PB is for advanced users only. It is very unstable and misuse can be catastrophic. When you feel you've got a competant understanding of creamy, then you can try out chunky PB.
Now on to Jelly. You don't really have to think much about this. Just pick a flavor. Brands don't really affect your sandwich. I personally go with grape. When in doubt, go with grape.
Finally, your bread. This can be a tough one. You might be tempted to use something like "Mountain Oat Nut" but I must advise against this. It changes the taste and consistency of your sandiwch. You can go with a standard wheat bread, but you will have to change your PB-to-Jelly ratio. Plain, simple white bread is your best option. Not, I repeat, NOT Wonderbread. Its too thin to support this sandwich. Potato bread is acceptable, but again, not advised for the sandwich novice. Start with simple white bread, and work your way up. Gotta walk before you run, baby.
Now that you have you ingredients its time to start assembling your sandwich.
First you need 2 pieces of bread. These are really inconsequential. I advise leaving the "heels" behind. A sandwich with one heel is uunnatural, like the elements at the bottom of the periodic table. Or Barbara Streisand.
Spread your PB on one side of your bread to thickness of about 1/6th -1/8th of an inch. Make sure you get equal coverage throughout the slice of bread. Leave a small buffer zone around the perimeter of the bread to compensate for squishing. Once a nice coverage is reached, move on.
Take the other slice of bread and spread on your Jelly, using the same technique as above. The thickness should be less than the peanut butter, but the coverage should be the same. Jelly tends to clump, but thats okay. Jelly doesn't need to be perfect. Its fucking Jelly for christsake. Its what will give your sandwich its individuality.
Now we have the most complicated part of the process: putting the 2 pieces together. The bread needs to line up right. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it is needed to ensure that your sandwich doesn't squish out the sides. Now you can cut it in half, or leave it whole. I like to leave it whole, but for you emo-kids who like to cut, go with a diagonal cut. Its just more visually appealing.
VARIATIONS
You can put your jelly on first, but you MUST wipe your knife before it goes into the PB. PB is used without Jelly, so you don't want little jelly clumps in your PB when you're trying to make cookies. Jelly, however, is really only used with PB. So its okay to have trace amounts of PB in your Jelly.
Never try to put your Jelly on top of the PB. When you do this, you can't ensure equal coverage. It's too risky. Toast is an exception, because, well, its toast. Face it, toast is a side and doesn't really need much thought.
ADVANCED TECHNIQUES
Putting potato chips on your sandwich. This is favored by many people and it quite enjoyable. Standard potato chips add a nice cruch to your sandwich. For the love of god, don't use Sour Cream and Onion chips. Your sandwich is ruined. Just add a nice layer of chips to the sandwich before final assembly and enjoy.
Toasting your sandwich. Perfectly acceptable, but risky. Make sure your toaster is set properly and allow your to toast before spreading on ingredients. PB will melt and your sandwich becomes a mess. Also, do not spread PB and Jelly on before toasting. Of course, if I had to tell you this, you should probably just die.
Congratulations, you've just taken the first steps to becoming a great sandwich maker. That'll be $99.99
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-17 23:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jif? Jif is for bitches. Skippy? Skippy is on a par with what I wipe from my ass after a Taco Bell marathon.
Peter Pan is where it's at mofo.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-11-17 09:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kraft
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-17 07:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-17 04:54:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-17 03:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone really needs to take America aside and tell them that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are fucking gross.
Now. Cheese, Marmite and Salt & Vinegar crisps. THAT is a sandwich that's worth your time.
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Yeah, you seppo fucks are sick bastards!
*eats whelks and donor kebab*
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Donor kebab???? hahahahahahahaha. Made from bits of organ donors.
Although this is coming from a nation (speaking for Britain, not England) that will happily chow down on such delights as haggis and liver and onions and such.
I'm so proud.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-17 04:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-17 03:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone really needs to take America aside and tell them that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are fucking gross.
Now. Cheese, Marmite and Salt & Vinegar crisps. THAT is a sandwich that's worth your time.
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Yeah, you seppo fucks are sick bastards!
*eats whelks and donor kebab*
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2005-11-17 04:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jello.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-17 03:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone really needs to take America aside and tell them that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are fucking gross.
Now. Cheese, Marmite and Salt & Vinegar crisps. THAT is a sandwich that's worth your time.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-11-16 23:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd also like to add that Kraft PB is very good too, depending on your taste.
Also, I just noticed there was nothing about selecting a proper beverage to go with said Sandwich.
And, to whoever said it, PB and Jelly/Jam are most certainly capitalised because I love them more than people and placed that have proper nouns as names anyways. And Sandwich too.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-16 21:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Generic PB is like boxed wine; it's for people with no taste.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 21:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:35:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for nasty plastic PB's like Jif and Skippy, and no mention of real PB's like Adams?
*scoff*
FUCK THAT! JIF AND SKIPPY ARE TEH ROXXORS!!!!!11!1eleventytwo
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Psh. Been there, done that.
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for nasty plastic PB's like Jif and Skippy, and no mention of real PB's like Adams?
*scoff*
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:30:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Buckeyes.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can put your jelly on first, but you MUST wipe your knife before it goes into the PB. PB is used without Jelly, so you don't want little jelly clumps in your PB when you're trying to make cookies. Jelly, however, is really only used with PB. So its okay to have trace amounts of PB in your Jelly.
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Absolutely true. I have always thought this.
Also I thought it was interesting that you rather consistently capitilized Peanutbutter and Jelly.
Shows how very important they are.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only skimmed this, but I was lucky enough to read "Odds are this is your first sandwich" so +2.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. +2
Make more.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It never ceases to amaze me how Americans can eat that combination but hey i love vegimite and cheese.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shandy, I'd like to think thats implied. But then again, I'm sure there are people who can fuck up a PB&Jelly sandwich. God, thats depressing.
The next installment will be "Introduction to Meats: Properly using your Salami"
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me put potato chips in my sandwhich, and let me tell you, it was good.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
one thing i think you should add to your course: some bread is not perfectly square, it has little rounded bits and curves. before spreading anything on each slice you need to make sure you have it the right way around, otherwise they will not match when you put them together.
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You could use a cutter or something to ensure each slice was identical in size and shape?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
one thing i think you should add to your course: some bread is not pefectly square, it has little rounded bits and curves. before spreading anything on each slice you need to make sure you have it the right way around, otherwise they will not match when you put them together.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been to the countryside so nothing scares me anymore.
Apart from wasps obviously.
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I shall relate my story of the spider at some point then.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<Clap pause clap shorter pause clap almost no pause clap stands clap clap clap holla clap>
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:38:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw where Marmites come from at the Coors factory. They just pull a lorry up and fill it with the cast off from the beer process. There was a lot of marmite there - I reckon it would make even the most hardened marmite fan go 'urgh' a little.
I do love the marmite though.
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I've been to the countryside so nothing scares me anymore.
Apart from wasps obviously.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw where Marmites come from at the Coors factory. They just pull a lorry up and fill it with the cast off from the beer process. There was a lot of marmite there - I reckon it would make even the most hardened marmite fan go 'urgh' a little.
I do love the marmite though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:34:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Marmite is teh r0xxoRs@!@$@#!!!111 I'm eating marmite right now.
Marmite and turkey sandwiches.
Red, do a post about how Unicron is a giant space minge.
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Am tired now - but when i'm supposed to be working tomorrow - i'll find the time to get the first bit done.
Submitted by Required_Reading (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
white bread? gross
Actually the best way ever to make a PB&J is to premix the ingredients in a bowl and THEN spread it... also it is much easier to apply to the bread if you pre mix the the pb and the jam in a bowl.
Try it i promise it kicks ass, better than your instructions
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marmite is teh r0xxoRs@!@$@#!!!111 I'm eating marmite right now.
Marmite and turkey sandwiches.
Red, do a post about how Unicron is a giant space minge.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I re-read this, and now I'm hungry.
Again.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:21:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Peanut Butter is grim. WTF do you mean Jelly? Blackcurrent fucking jelly? Are you mad?
Are you talking about jam?
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I'm going to stand up for peanut butter Berty. It is good shit.
I think they mean jam. What do they call Jelly then? Gello or something? I think that mixing these two is weird. Someone told me that they like Peanut Butter and Marmite sandwiches. I think I will try it just to prove to myself that I have tastebuds.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peanut Butter is grim. WTF do you mean Jelly? Blackcurrent fucking jelly? Are you mad?
Are you talking about jam?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to eat that picture.
Good post.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I want a sandwich. Can we get a how to on how to make a Rueben next? Those are hard sandwiches to get right.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... You went toooo fast.
<twirls hair>
Could you post this again?... And please type a little slower so I can follow.
Thanks
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And +2 for the post.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for this:
"Putting potato chips on your sandwich. This is favored by many people and it quite enjoyable. Standard potato chips add a nice cruch to your sandwich. For the love of god, don't use Sour Cream and Onion chips. Your sandwich is ruined. Just add a nice layer of chips to the sandwich before final assembly and enjoy."
Sour cream and onion chips are the WORST to put on a PBJ. This, of course, I learned the hard way.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tastycat, that is a rather advanced move. I applaud your ingenuity.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 PB & J. I enjoy it most on potato bread. But while it might make me a heathen, I now insist on the healthier, 'adult' adaptation- high-fiber bread, natural peanut butter, and low-sugar strawberry preserves. It's still delicious.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is really the only thing I know about, so I might turn this into a series. "Advanced Meats.", "Proper Hoagie Technique" etc.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wonder if 'tying your shoes' will be covered next time.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to add that if you have a toaster oven, warming the sandwich up just a little bit to get the PB a little runny is very good as well. So long as it isn't drippy.
I don't know how Mr._bong will feel about that, but my experience shows it to be true.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "grape."
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like informative style... even about this.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Question: What do Americans call Jelly? You know, the real jelly, the solid stuff not this fake jelly whose real name is Jam.
+2 for writing the most annaly accurate sandwich making post ever.