Mushrooms, Jesus, And A Moment Of Clarity (1253 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-11-17 11:32:57 EST
Hey.
Have you ever said your name to yourself over and over, until it finally lost it's meaning? Repeat just about any word enough times, and you slowly begin to question why such a selection of letters came to fruition and then known as whatever it is defined as. Your mind begins to ponder the actual worth of words and our underlying existence at all, when it is known that the earth, the universe and everything in it, will one day be crushed by black holes, expanding stars, asteroids, giant pieces of candy corn raining from the sky, nerds, whatever the circumstances may be. So why do we continue to move along with our pointless/accidental path to find some sort of enlightenment in the form of a greater being/creator, when science is telling us things such as....I don't know....facts about where our origins are from?
Because we're stupid. Well, that and science is a by-product of humans, and also filled with more holes than that corn dog I poked with a toothpick like, a hundred times yesterday.
I found this out last weekend while I was tripping on mushrooms and looking out upon the creek made of swirling colors of brown and green that runs through my lavish yard. Yup. You didn't think I was going to wax poetic about stupid shit such as "existence", did you? Fuck that, this post is aaaalllll about shrooms and my Saturday night, known from here on out as.....
THE DAY THAT I STARED AT A BLANK COMPUTER SCREEN FOR FOUR HOURS!!!
That's not really catchy or funny, is it? I think I'm also giving away the ending, but you didn't know that until now. Whatever, so anyways, my stance on drug use is as such: anything born from the loving womb of mother earth is here for a reason. Actually, everything is obviously here for a reason but for the sake of this post I'm talking about drugs that come from the earth; such as aspirin, coca-cola, and psilocybin mushrooms. In fact, if I were a NASCAR driver, I would use my charming good looks and excellent skills behind the wheel to get congress to pass a law requiring that every person over the age of 19 would have to experience a mushroom trip once a year. Oh, you're allergic to fungi? Where's your note from mommy sissypants? You need me to burp you after meals? You actually have a note? THIS IS YOUR HANDWRITING I'M NOT STUPID.
Alright, so THE DAY THAT I STARED....blah blah you get it, it's Saturday, started off with me waking up around 5:30 in the evening after a hardcore night of video games and having sex with women. I was pretty much exhausted, but I had already planned this day well in advance and was not going to miss out on the opportunity to be insanely inebriated when the clock hits midnight, my birthday arrives, and my feet turn into sausages. I don't know if they really do because I've been drunk every birthday I've ever had since I was 11, but they do something weird like that. I decided that around 7:00 I would eat the whole bag and just go with the flow afterwards. Hell, maybe the flow knew of some good spots for maximum visualizations, like a cemetery or a twinkie factory. I then realized that the flow had to work until midnight at Arby's. Godammit, fuck the flow then.
7:00 rolls around and I've mixed the shrooms with a sweet potato casserole I had baked earlier that week. Two hours later, the casserole is gone and I'm starting to feel the shadowy hands of insanity start to creep along my spine and take full control of my brain. I began laughing at the walls as they slowly swayed back and forth to the rhythm of the earth. My mind started racing with millions of thoughts exploding out of my head that eventually traversed the nothingness of the air. I felt stifled inside my house by the ceilings that slowly closed in upon me. I turned on the television, only to have Billy Crystal tell me while he's riding a horse that I'm being zombified and turned into another mindless creature that lets t.v. do my thinking for me. I got sick of Crystal trashing my beloved idiot box and turned the channel, only to find that Billy Crystal is friends with the fire truck on the next station and they spew the same stupid ideologies. I got scared and threw my shoe at the television because I thought that's how you turn it off. After about a half-hour of shoe-throwing to no avail, I just broke the damn thing and walked outside to hopefully catch a moment of clarity from the psilocybin controlling my body...
And that is when all hell breaks loose. I live very close to an airport, and I don't know if you've ever seen a plane on shrooms, but, there is your explanation for all these crazy-ass stories about UFO's. The lights from the wings shined bright and broke off into millions of individual shards as the planes would dip between tree branches and suddenly stop and reverse themselves. Everything in the vastness of space was illuminated with an icey cold brightness, and I felt as if these were my last moments on earth before the invasion of the KKK unless I found a place to hide from the incoming invaders of the sky.
I walked my way over to the creek, covered by hundreds of branches and surely enough cover to hide me from anyone trying to abduct me. I was around the peak of my trip at this point, and was hardly making any sense even to myself.
Tree: You know that people that are considered insane are actually the holders of true enlightenment, correct?
Me #2: I thought that was obvious, but you've been trapped by this creek your whole life with no one to talk to. I'll be your friend.
Floating Candy Bar Wrapper: That tree has molested more than 94 little girls. I keep tasting cinnamon for some reason....
Me: I want to go home but I don't know where I am....
Gandalf: YOU ARE IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST OF EPHEL DUATH. THE DRAGONS WILL BE HERE SOON TO DRIVE US FURTHER INTO THIS CURSED FOREST OF DOOM.
Me: Okay, but they have to wipe their feet on the toilet first.
Carmen SanDiego: Here I am.
MeeM: I've only asked where you were like two hundred times in my posts before, it's like my favorite bit! Where, in the world, is, Carmen SanDiego? I used to watch that stupid fucking trivia show where they had to guess where you were and answer history questions. I need cancer, quickly.
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: I hate being the son of god, and people are mean to me. I'm never coming back to earth!
Me: I thought you were a white guy with blue eyes and shit? You look like a queer version of Osama Bin Laden. I don't mean queer in a homosexual definition but like, "different" you know? Please don't send me to hell?
JC of LDS: There is no hell you idiot. I'm not even real; I'm just a manifestation of your fears of death and uncertainties with being alive.
Me: Right on. Anyways, I think I'm starting to come down, wanna go inside and smoke some hash? It'll really piss off your dad. He might even kill Africa or something. That would be hilarious!
This was when I realized that I had already gone back inside my house when I was conversing with Gandalf. He is a wizard from a movie, after all.
At this point, I was coming down pretty quickly, and slowly sliding back into the sense of normalcy I so craved to be a part of once more. The visuals were gone, but my brain was still whirring out hundreds of thoughts a second. I sat myself in front of the computer and left it off so I could soak in my thoughts without interference, and this is my final conclusion that came from my introspective period of reflection...
In a lot of ways, we are comparable to computers. A system of electronic blinking lights and cooling fans that provides porn and music to the people, by the people, and for the people. We do our jobs to the best of our abilities, with an occasional pop-up or unknown system error along the path. We eventually become bogged down by viruses and other outside dangers, until eventually you hit a midlife crisis and buy a sports car like a viper or some crazy shit after you become aware of your own mortality, just like computers do. Then you get knocked up by a janitor and spend the rest of your life whoring yourself out to crackheads with two teeth while you contemplate suicide until your end days.
I guess what I'm trying to say, and the point I'm trying to prove, is that we need to build computers with a vagina. If computers had a vagina, we could ship them overseas to Japanese people and whoever else you hate. This computer vagina will turn them into mindless drones with no need to fornicate with others or even go outside. That is when we unleash the Siberian huskeys filled with steroids that I have been breeding for years upon them. They will chew out their ching-chongy brains and return them to America where we can transform them into oil to fuel our SUV's. We will become an international superpower and I will become the lord of the earth as long as you guys are cool with it, and if you're not then you can move your faggot ass to Mexico, because nothing, NOTHING, will stand in my way.
America! Fuck yeah!
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the difference between you and me is that i dont care about this shit... and u had a pretty good rating till u decided to open your vagina of a mouth and post on mine
bet u wish i wasnt bored at work haha
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It must rain a lot on Jupiter.
See Jupiter has twelve moons and gravitational pulls of moons effect the precipitation cycle of Evaporation....rain.....evaporation.....rain. So it must rain a lot.
I thought of that because that picture makes me think solar system. And speaking of solar system, I wonder what planet you came from? Because genius like this isn't prevalent on Earth. I saw what appears to be a moon in the upper left corner and since there was only one, I knew it wasn't Jupiter.
Jupiter has 12 moons, it must rain a lot on Jupiter.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-18 07:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
computers wth vaginas?????
you stole my idea!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-17 22:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hallelujah brother GLAL.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I mean that in the best way possible.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh.
Wow.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-11-17 20:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I hold my breath for thirty six seconds in a row and then exhale in short little bursts until I start hyperventilating and see spots.
Thats what it must be like to be you all the time.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SO what are you up to this weekend? Cause I could come by.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-17 16:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a king.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 15:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like that title Daniel. It's going on my tombstone.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-11-17 14:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Behold, the Royal Junky of Literary Funky. + + +
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 14:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
or girl. Sorry for being gender specific.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 14:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Any guy who's into aggressive music needs to listen to the band "Cursed" or I will gut you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-17 14:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are just hilarious.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 14:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really, you were looking at this one?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37010
Look at the leaf...it's pretty much dead in the center of the pentagram, which also appears to have a circle around it. I had a sketch book and people would always get fucked up and take turns doodling. That's wild that I never noticed it until today.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 13:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-17 13:32:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did Gandalf wink at you a lot? I find he won't stop winking.
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Now that you mention it....I did notice a slight lisp and slant of the hips when he was warning me about the dragons....
hahahaha.......it had to be fucking Ian McKellen. What won't you do to get in my pants you girly-man?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-17 13:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did Gandalf wink at you a lot? I find he won't stop winking.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 13:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:37:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, and I never noticed before but someone had drawn a pentagram on the other side of that paper and it came through on the scan...crazy
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?????????????????????????
E, I'm not seeing it for some reason?
Maybe because i'm partially blind in my left ear, who knows.
I thought that link was real when I first clicked it ETS. Crafty bastard.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-17 13:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About time you made an appearance
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, and I never noticed before but someone had drawn a pentagram on the other side of that paper and it came through on the scan...crazy
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looking BACK* not but...god...I'm obviously fried.
Submitted by outofwit (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shrooms are key!!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, looking but I see that my retarded ass DID post that pic, and it was actually acid induced, not mushroom induced. (Which makes a lot more sense)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You made Bored @ ETS: http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/hahahahahahaha.htm
Watch out though! That website has a vagina too.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
How is it that you can write such utter nonsense and yet be so goddamn entertaining?
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I eat a lot of vegetables? Supposedly broccoli is the source of my power, but only if it is dipped in ranch and then deep-fried will I eat it.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:23:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:08:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pic, did you draw that? Much better than the hallcinogen induced scribbling I posted on here. The shrooms have been pretty good this season if I do say so myself.
SHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
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It's my characterization of the human embodiment and how the truth is slowly dangling, like bait on a hook, just inches from us, waiting to open the secrets of the universe.
________________________
Interesting...one of the mushroom induced pics I drew that I almost posted but didn't, was of a severed head lying on the ground, still alive, with some sort of living, breathing exotic plant just above it, with a drop of water dripping from it's leaf while the severed head stuck it's tongue out hoping to get a drink. There was also a robot/lawnmower near by heading in the direction of our severed head. Somehow this was supposed to be symbolic of our true place on the food chain...or not.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How is it that you can write such utter nonsense and yet be so goddamn entertaining?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:08:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pic, did you draw that? Much better than the hallcinogen induced scribbling I posted on here. The shrooms have been pretty good this season if I do say so myself.
SHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
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It's my characterization of the human embodiment and how the truth is slowly dangling, like bait on a hook, just inches from us, waiting to open the secrets of the universe.
And no, I did not draw that unfortunately. I can only paint pictures of dead animals and Conan O'Brien for some reason.
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like my thought process daily without drugs - man I need to get my hands on some hallucinogens - I would like, invent the cure for cancer or something, I'm sure - using only a spatula and some Breath Mints.
Bravo
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no words for this awesomeness.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-17 12:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pic, did you draw that? Much better than the hallcinogen induced scribbling I posted on here. The shrooms have been pretty good this season if I do say so myself.
SHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaah shrooms!"
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never done shrooms, either.
....
Ever.
....
Okay so the government is gone now. I seriously consider mushrooms to be an integral part of our evolution. It expands our minds and gives us the ability to...
...
I've never eaten mushrooms.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:43:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't live in a house, Berty. I live in a corn field in midwestern Ohio with my band of gypsies. You're welcome to join us at any time.
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I've just never done shrooms before and I want you to be my guide.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't live in a house, Berty. I live in a corn field in midwestern Ohio with my band of gypsies. You're welcome to join us at any time.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy cuntsticks. that was awesome.
i need to do drugs.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to spend a few days in your house.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't done Shrooms in awhile...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 11:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
be gentle guys, I'm still context sensitive from this.