shitting in my neighbors car, and +2 bonanza!!! (2469 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.75 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-11-17 17:02:05 EST
scourgeoftheseas put in a vacation request form at the beginning of October for the dates of November 9th- 18th. This form was approved and signed by the three people in my office who must approve and sign these things before I am allowed to be absent from work.
I didn't have any big plans. Mess around in my yard. Do some of the housework that never seems to get quite caught up. Take the motorcycle for one last ride before winter sets in. Visit my parents. Hang out with the Wife and the Boy. Drink.
This is the seventeenth of November. I'm at my desk. In my office. I'm not happy.
Last night she-boss called me. I generally don't answer without looking at the caller-ID. However, it seems that once I wade two thirds of the way through a thirty pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, my judgment is seriously impaired.
I wasn't sure about it, but I must have had the idea that there was a boatload of strippers on the phone for me, because I grabbed it and slurred out a big friendly "What the fuck's up?!" This is my standard salutation. Not many people have the number, my family, my wife's mother, and maybe three friends. Anyone I have any interest in talking to will not be offended.
"Worker bee, I tried calling your work cell, but it went straight to voicemail."
Yes. Yes it did. I had the goddamn thing turned off. For a reason. If I leave the damn thing on after work hours, it will ring. This woman has in the past decided that she needed to call me at 1:30 in the morning. To ask where a document was that she needed for a nine a.m. meeting. I go to work at seven. ??
"I went into your personnel file to get your home number. I really need to have you come to work the next two days. This big project that I'm....."
She kept going. I quit listening. Until the end. The part where she said, "..and I suggest that you quit drinking now, which I know you are, since you answered the phone with profanities. I can't have you hung over at work tomorrow."
I should have told her to eat shit, but I'm a fucking pussy. I came to work today.
First office I pass is accounting-boobjob-facelift lady.
I blame her for my being here in the first place. She always posts our paychecks a few days early for those who have direct deposit set up. My most recent pay should have had a nice bonus chunk because big boss decided to make my raise retroactive. When the check hit the bank, no bonus. I call my office and ask to speak with accounting-boobjob lady. She said,"... because you were on vacation I didn't want to bother you to sign the paperwork to make sure the raise was in effect but..."
You did bother me, because I had to buy Pabst (still my favorite slumming it beer, but...) instead of the lake of Guinness I was going to spend my vacation drinking. I wouldn't have answered the phone while in the sweet embrace of Irish Love, therefore I would not be here today.
Accounting-boobjob lady is also the keeper of personnel files. They sit in a little cabinet that is locked and has only one key. The personnel files that my boss got my number out of.
Next office is IT guy. The first thing he said to me when I started here: "I'm the office redneck."
Wow. Just for that, this is his fault, somehow.
Next office is my teammate. She is seventy. I want her to retire, because I want her office. It has a window. She goes on vacation to nice places, like the Caribbean. She brought me back a bottle of rum last time. Since I can't afford to go to the Caribbean, where I wouldn't have been able to be reached, this is her fault too.
Next is the unholy lair inhabited by she-boss. Strange. She's not in there.
I turn the corner into my windowless office. I can't even have a plant because the fluorescent lights are too high up to sustain plant life. There is a note on my chair.
It seems my boss decided to take the rest of the week off. She had things she wanted to get done before her two week vacation starts next Monday. But she thanks me for coming in!
When I try to call her, it rings straight through to her voicemail.
What the hell did I do to deserve this?
I guess it's karma.
I'm going to spend the next two weeks fucking around on the internet and posting stories.
(insert shittiest transition ever, keep fucking reading or no multiple +2 for you)
Here's one, and it may explain the bad karma thing.
We used to always congregate around bonfires in my parents back lot. Enormous fires, scraping the sky, and nobody could say a thing. Swordfights with flaming branches, tossing shit in the fire that would have been better left in the hands of a good SWAT team. Very Lord of the Flies.
Once I was maybe fourteen, very early 90's, we took to playing truth or dare, which went along nicely with whatever dog piss beer that we were able to convince our older brothers and their friends to buy for us. Strange how the cost of a case of Busch has come down so far over the years. It's also really odd to me that a case of beer now has 24 beverages enclosed, when back then it was great good luck to get sixteen. Assholes.
Usually there were between four and eight of us. There were three women (well, at that time girls) who were part of the group. These smart females usually excluded themselves from the game, as the result of their participation would have undoubtedly been an unending string of requests for fellatio.
Because of the immediate removal of the possibility of oral sex, the games usually involved things in the nature of drinking to excess, fucking with neighbors, making an ass of yourself...
Tony came around because of involvement in a community service group that my brothers and I were a part of due to grandparental insistence. He seemed like a regular human at first. Not at all like the insect that he was in reality.
The first time Tony played, we dared him to do something easy.
"Tony, go piss in the neighbor's gas tank."
I understand the concept of not shitting where you sleep. Generally any really bad behavior was directed well away from the stomping grounds. But...
This woman was an absolute bitch. A bar whore bitch. Cowboy boots, fringe jsuede jacket, shitty makeup. She fucked many strange men. Constantly screaming at us, trying to sic her dog on us. That last wasn't very effective, as he was just a little terrier thing, but still. Always yelling that if we scratched her new MADE IN AMERICAN Saturn, that she'd whip our asses.
Tony hops the fence, giggling.
We watch from the relative safety of my parents backyard. Then, the interior light of the car comes on. It stays on for quite some time.
Tony comes back laughing his ass off, shirtless.
"She had a locking gas cap. But she forgot to lock her door. I didn't have to pee though."
We look at him waiting...
"I took a shit in her driver's seat."
"Tony, where's your shirt?"
"I had to wipe with something."
Hooray for new friends!!
-------------
That Christmas season we spent stealing those large plastic yard decorations. Santa Claus, reindeer, candy canes, and my favorite, Frosty the Snowman. I'm not sure why we took these, drugs and booze make teenagers do strange things
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Next fall we're around the fire again. We decide it would be fun to burn plastic yard ornaments. The colors were intense.
We just grabbed them up on the end of sticks and started twirling them in the air, throwing them up high and watching them land. As they spun into the air they shot off long arcing napalm like globs of plastic. Awesome.
Tony was burning Frosty on the end of a long stick.
Then he stopped.
"Do you still have the bitch neighbor?"
"Yeah, but she's gone for the night. She left with another random fuck. Why?"
Tony starts the insane giggling that has now earned a place on the list of things that make my skin crawl.
He runs and hops the fence and plops flaming Frosty on the hood of her car. He stands hands on hips laughing. But as it just burns, he gets bored and comes back over.
The rest of us were at this time busily extinguishing the fire, for eradication of evidence purposes.
"Asshole, asshole what the fuck she's going to know who did it...."
On and on berating him. For maybe five minutes. That's when the glow got larger. Much larger.
Apparently the plastic-ey body panels on Saturns, though impervious to shopping cart attack, fail miserably when faced with burning Frosty the Snowman.
-------------
Bonus +2 Fun
My boss is having a conference call that I have to sit in and listen to tomorrow. She will be on it while on her way to North Carolina and Florida.
I am going to be extremely bored, as the host I have to do this in a conference room. This means I can't sit and read Uber while pretending to listen.
Here's the game:
Make scourgeoftheseas laugh, because he's still in a shitty mood over losing his vacation days.
I'm going to give out the call in number to you, the Uber faithful. In the first review I will drop my email address. If you want the passcode, email me for it. The first three who call in from Uber (no mentioning my name please), gets a plus two on every single thing they have posted. Come back here and prove it by posting what you said. Make me laugh fuckers. The call starts at 12:00 noon CST.
866-797-2277
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-12-03 21:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. Didn't see this when you posted it. I so love to do things like this, and I missed my chance.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-03 21:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pathetically obsessed below
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-03 21:00:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fat below.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have participated. Too bad I missed this.
"First office I pass is accounting-boobjob-facelift lady." this made me guffaw
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-01 20:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was YOU? I laughed my ass off over these shenanigans when I first read it.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
next time you shit on the toilet turn around and eat it
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's your obligatory internet dick-sucking. This post was as funny as midgets running.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-11-27 01:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-11-26 22:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody brilliant!
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-26 21:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how to make people laugh, but this was funny as fuck.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-26 21:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Walker
User id: 23485
Registered on or around: 2005-11-22 07:17:53
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 57
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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I'm glad to see that such an accomplished writer screwed my rating. Thank you.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-11-26 13:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny but slightly ho-hum at the same time...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-26 12:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My god, did nobody think to record this momentous event???
You both just threw away your chance of interweb immortality.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-24 22:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-24 15:31:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
so did any uber people join in?
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Just one. He threatened to push old people down stairs, yelled at them for interupting him and offered to get Taco Bell for everyone.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-24 15:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so did any uber people join in?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I had way more reviews than this.
Funny as hell story though!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-22 02:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, thanks.
So do you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more highlights from this confrence call.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you really go get Taco Bell? All they offer at these meetings is some dry ass turkey sammiches. Anyway this shit made my day. I had to bite my tongue when you told her to stop interrupting you.
------------
Yeah sorry man, I didn't get my testicles in order sooner or I'd have had a lot more fun. I had just come back from Taco Bell and got the password so I jumped on right away. Those fuckers don't let you get a word in! I wish I'd have known what time the Q&A was at so then I could've had some real fun. Think my favorite line was:
Hag_01: Who is this?
*rabble rabble rabble*
Hag_01: Are you the one that said something about pushing an old person down a flight of stairs in a wheelchair?
E.J.: In a wheelchair? No, that's cruel!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 16:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:57:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
No dude they're talking about the elderly and senior centers and then complaining about me talking about pushing old people down flights of stairs =(
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Did you really go get Taco Bell? All they offer at these meetings is some dry ass turkey sammiches. Anyway this shit made my day. I had to bite my tongue when you told her to stop interrupting you.
This was a nice experiment. It also helped to allay some of the concern that I had about Uber being a big prank at my expense. Leftover marijuana/LSD paranoia I guess.
I think I may host another installment of this game.
Loren1- I am usually a pretty decent human. I'm only mean to people when they are bastards themselves. I liked the play with fire comparison. It could have made my shitty transition better.
Teephah- I am officially a lobbyist for a nursing home association. What I do is a lot of research and I draft law as it relates to long term care and health. I also do a lot of communications work. Press releases etc.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No dude they're talking about the elderly and senior centers and then complaining about me talking about pushing old people down flights of stairs =(
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, the good news is that this post doesn't come up on the first page of google search result for the phone number.
Are you in some sort of grief counseling profession, by the way?
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=1-866-797-2277
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All grown up and still you play with fire.
Your writing is entertaining, though I do hate hearing about people doing awful things to other people.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This conversation is fucking boring and they're never going to let me get in a word...but I'll try!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:17:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Provide a short description of your boss to allow us some really cutting comments...
---------
This fiends and neighbors would be signing my own death warrant. So, no. But please do have fun if you are one of the people with a passcode.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to get in on this and act like a line got crossed, but alas I have forgotten my cell today, and I cannot send email to yahoo/aol type email accounts.
I would hop on and do my whole "sex phone operator" bit.
Then yell at your co-workers for eavesdropping and swear to sue them for the $7.95 a minute.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Provide a short description of your boss to allow us some really cutting comments...
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
harhar snowman!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There's no chance of me getting fired. Fifty people, give or take, have the number and passcode. Anyones kid could have opened their email and decided to play a prank on mom or dad. There is no way to trace back to where the leak started.
This is pretty harmless. It's just some a way for me to get some petty revenge.
Anyone else who wants the number has about ten minutes.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
Except for the part where you get fired.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to get fired.
Sounds like fun, though!
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-18 03:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This my friend, is fucking genius. Posting the number? Ballsy.
However, I think you may laugh at anything, seeing as how you will be recieving random dick jokes in the middle of a conference call.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-11-18 01:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful, wonderful post I would love to join the conference call, but figuring out the time and being awake at that time will be too difficult...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-18 00:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just the existence of a 'vacation' form should have forewarned you of stormy seas ahead
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-11-17 23:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man. I'm going to be monitoring this thread very closely for the next few days to see what happens.
__________________________________________________________________
me too, man. ;p i had it bookmarked 2 hours ago.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-17 22:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Explain this again... What do we have to do?
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ETS, you are almost assured of +2s from me on most of your posts anyway, but here's how it works:
Call this number, 1-866-797-2277, follow the voice prompts. At one point it will ask you for a passcode. Type in the passcode and then a #. Then you should be in. I am only going to send the passcode to those who ask for it via email.
Shlongy, if you get on the call, I swear to god, anything that you post from here to the time of your death gets a +2. It can even be a hatepost about me. But I have to know it's you.
After calling in, come back here and review with what you said on the call. Paraphrase if you want, I don't fucking care.
I'll be able to send the passcode out until about 9:00 a.m. CST tomorrow. After that, no luck.
Here's the email:
scourgeoftheseas.at.hotmail.com
First three, every post +2.
Shlongy, every post for ever +2
If you can actually make me laugh out loud during the call, you get the Shlongy deal.
Thats a god damn good deal.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What should i have to eat?
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god.
So wait, how do conference calls work? Anyone that calls the number while the conference is going on gets into the conversation? That's...somewhere between brilliant and stupid enough to drink bleach with an ammonium chaser. I can't decide where.
Oh man. I'm going to be monitoring this thread very closely for the next few days to see what happens.
*sparks up*
*pops popcorn*
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-11-17 20:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im stoned out of my mind+2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-17 20:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the nads to post that phone number.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-17 20:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-17 19:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 ....a lot.
There are 3 posts here.
I feel like I got an uber coupon or something!
What time is your meeting again?
Explain this again... What do we have to do?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-17 19:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-17 18:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' GREAT!!! Hats off to scourgeoftheseas.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-17 18:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, you've got 3 good posts all crammed in here!
Oh, and let me give you a tip for next time, tell your boss you are going out of town to visit relatives, and will be gone the entire time.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My god have you ever opened yourself up for a shitstorm. If possible, I respectfully request that you covertly record said conference call and post the highlights here.
----------------------------------------------------
"I must have had the idea that there was a boatload of strippers on the phone for me, because I grabbed it and slurred out a big friendly "What the fuck's up?!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bitch about your vacation. Fuck em good.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
windows- 2 it goes eastern, central, mountain, pacific. It's 4:30 here
bonnee- You know I can.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you kill a person 10 different ways with just your hands?
Submitted by windowsrcold (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the bitch have some fun and how far ahead is CST than PST?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-17 17:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
scourgeoftheseas_at_hotmail.com