Welcome to Shit Creek, sorry we are out of paddles. (1337 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.79 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-17 21:26:01 EST
The wind was howling outside when I stripped and jumped into the shower. I had planned to do some work in the yard and maybe mow the lawn but it wouldn't be much fun on a windy day like this. Thinking I might get some videos for the day and spend a relaxing day inside I dried myself and wrapped a towel around my waist before heading into the kitchen. I filled the hot water jug and spooned some coffee and sugar into a cup and got a can of dog food out of the cupboard.
After removing the top of the dog food can I opened the back door, which is really a side door in full view of the street and fetched the dog's dinner bowl. This brand of dog food always made me gag and I turned my head as I spooned the strong smelling meat into the dish. I heard the jug whistle as I headed out the back door with the dogs dinner dish and knelt as I placed it on the ground. My dog eats like a pig and shoved his face into the horrid smelling meat and noisily ate as I patted his head.
I was about to stand when the door slammed into my back very heavily, knocking me forward, making me crash onto my dining dog. "Fucking wind" I cursed as I felt the towel around me stretch and slip half off. I tried to stand and gather the towel around me but the towel seemed to be captured by something so I kind of turned my body rolling myself back into the towel and realised it was captured in the door.
Tugging at the thick fabric it became obvious that it was captured well. I pulled harder and harder but it wouldn't come free. I stood in a half stoop, as the captured towel wouldn't allow me to stand fully and surveyed the situation.
It didn't look good.
A mild panic started to set in as I realised I was up shit creek without a paddle. I needed a knife or a pair of scissors to cut the captured piece off so I could release what was left of the towel but all I had in close proximity was a empty canine dinner bowl and a happily fed dog that now stood looking up at me.
"Why couldn't you be like Lassie" I said to my dog "Lassie would go get me a knife"
He just panted and walked closer to me expecting a pat as I considered my options. I rattled the door handle in desperation knowing full well it was locked and wouldn't open. I muttered a soft "fuck" as I gripped the material with both hands trying to rip it. This was as futile as trying to rip a phone book in half with your bare hands. Bending my head closer to the towel I thought I might be able to bite it enough to make a tear in it that I could rip but I couldn't get my mouth close enough while I had it wrapped around me.
Being as it was still fairly early in the morning and no one would be about I let the towel drop off my hips and got down on my knees and bit at the material furiously trying to get a tear started in it. I was working away when I felt a warm wet tongue lick my butt cheek. Angrily jumping to my feet I screamed, "stop licking my arse" at my dog just as I noticed some movement near my front yard. Looking in that direction and my eyes fell on an elderly couple that live down the street standing on the footpath in front of my house staring back at me with bemused looks on their faces.
I didn't say a word; I let my body drop into the prone position onto the landing, which I hoped would take me from their view. I lifted my head toward their direction and realised the fence hid me from their gaze and I considered my next move as I felt my dogs wet nose touch my butt cheek as he sniffed my arse.
Jumping to my feet I ran into the backyard and stood naked beside my car under the carport, my eyes scanning every which way for something to help me with this predicament when my dog thinking we were playing came trotting up to me and tried to sniff my cock. With my hands covering my dick I tied him to his leash because quite frankly his interest in my genitals was starting to piss me off, then ran around the house scanning the windows and found with relief, id left the kitchen windows open.
This was a bitter sweet discovery as the windows faced directly up the street and where in full view of every house in that direction and anyone on the road would see a naked man crawling through them. It would be over eight hours before nightfall so waiting daylight out was out of the question. There was nothing in my yard I could wrap around myself for some dignity so I had resigned myself to the fact I would have to climb through the kitchen windows naked.
My house doesn't actually have a front fence, in fact what I have as a front fence runs off either side of the house to the side fences and on this side of the house thankfully the fence touches the house in front of the kitchen windows which would give me some cover until I had got up to the windows as the fence was chest high.
I grabbed an old oil drum I kept in the back yard and upended it beside the fence under the windows and was about to climb onto it when a female voice said, "excuse me sir I wonder if we could have a minute of your time".
Turning in the direction of the voice I saw two middle-aged women walking across my front lawn toward me. I moved close to the fence to cover my nakedness from their view as the woman who spoke went on with "we are walking the streets delivery the word of God and would like to share it with you".
For fucks sake, I didn't need this shit.
I know my predicament wasn't their fault, I know I shouldn't have got angry with them but all I wanted to do was get my naked butt back into my house without being noticed and the fact of the matter was, God wasn't fucking helping matters.
The two women stood about 2 feet from the other side of the fence I stood at, both smiling stupidly at me waiting for me to speak.
"You want to help me" I started with trying to keep my voice even and polite.
"Yes" they both nodded at me.
"Well" I said, my voice raising slightly "God is punishing me this morning and I'm quite pissed off with him because he has locked me out of my house and you both can help me"
The expression on both women's faces changed to one of confused concern as I stepped back enough that they would see I was naked.
"I need one of you to hold my dick and the other to hold my balls so I don't hurt them or catch them on something as I climb through this window". I exclaimed pointing to the open kitchen windows.
Both women's mouths fell open in stunned shock as they stood staring, their eyes focused on my nakedness. Before either could say anything I leapt onto the drum and started pulling myself through the window, my naked butt in full view of the two stunned and silent ladies.
"Grab a hold girls," I said, "I thought you wanted to help?"
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If half the shit you spin on here really happens to you then that makes you the most interesting person in the world...damn, the adventures!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post title.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He Shoots, He Scores.
-Dave
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF no picture!?!?!?
Slacker!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2005-11-18 09:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like a shitty morning. But on the bright side, those bible thumpers will likely never come back.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-18 04:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by youarewrong (user info) at 2005-11-18 04:38:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for no particular reason other than I Just feel like it.
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Fucking knob jockey. ^^^^^^^
Another quality story, Saxon old boy.
Submitted by youarewrong (user info) at 2005-11-18 04:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for no particular reason other than I Just feel like it.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-18 04:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another quality Saxon post. Will you never run out of hilarious stories??
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-18 04:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to promise you're going to be keeping your pants on before I come over there tomorrow.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-18 02:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-18 01:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-11-18 00:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if it's true or not .... i like it :)
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-11-18 00:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-17 23:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok i did stretch the truth a little for the sake of a giggle, the dog didnt really lick my butt hehehehe.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-17 23:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Awesome. True or not, this is great.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-17 23:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ballsy
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-11-17 22:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the funniest things I've read all day. Well played.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-17 22:10:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<<seriously considering dropping my pants if any bible thumpers come knocking at my door>>
Submitted by DropItLikeItsDisgusting (user info) at 2005-11-17 22:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well Done.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweetie, exactly how many people in your neighborhood have seen you naked?
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"stop licking my arse" TeeHee!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I need one of you to hold my dick and the other to hold my balls so I don't hurt them or catch them on something as I climb through this window". I exclaimed pointing to the open kitchen windows.
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Saxon YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!
Gotta protect the boys, I guess...but I think you were just trying to impress them with your abnormaly large genitalia. You can't fool me, buddy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woot! First review! In your face, other Uber-people!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-17 21:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha!!