Obscure 80's Film: The Monster Squad (1615 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.75 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kent Weirdo is back (View user info) at 2005-11-18 05:33:05 EST
Does anyone know, know of, or vaguely remember the origin of the phrase "Wolfman's got nards"?
No, it wasn't Scent of a Woman. It was a lesser-known bad 80's film titled "The Monster Squad", a film that, surprisingly enough, didn't feature Haim or Feldman.
In the beginning, one hundred years into the past, the vampire hunter Van Helsing succeeds in foiling Count Dracula's plans to rule the world by banishing him through a time vortex.
...Yeah, I know, but please, just bear with me for a moment.
So anyway, in the future (1987), a group of kids (a Wil Wheaton wannabe, a fat kid, a pervert, a young feeb, and some seventh grader who thinks that he's a badass because he wears a leather jacket and smokes while cruising on his Huffy) have their own monster club in a tree house. They spend their evenings yakking about monsters and photographing the neighbor girl when she leaves her blinds open.
So anyway, Dracula ends up in their town, and he's up to NO GOOD! So he summons all of these Universal Studios throwbacks (the Gill Man, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and the kind-hearted Frankenstein Monster) to help him acquire a green amulet that could give him the power to complete his hundred year-old plan. Unfortunately for the Count, it's buried deep within the walls of these catacombs under an old house, and surrounded by crosses.
So, getting back to the kids, the pseudo-Wil's mother acquires Van Helsing's diary (written in German) by chance, and passes it onto him, because, you know, the monster club. Because of the fact that 80's preteens were too busy collecting Micro Machines to learn German, the kids take the book to the local "Scary German Guy" to translate the text. This is where they learn of Dracula's diabolical scheming, and they aim to do something about it.
The film, directed by Fred Dekker (I guess he worked on Star Trek or something), isn't really for everyone. The acting is pretty subpar, and a lot of the special effects- while achieving a state of effectiveness, are still pretty bad (puppeteered severed limbs, a vortex made out of a spinning cotton funnel, badly super-imposed fireballs, etc.), and that 80's campiness that we all know so well endures through every frame of the film. The characters resemble the same character formula as Stand by Me and The Goonies (except that The Goonies wasn't a sausage party). So, yeah, Stand by Me/The Goonies mixed with House of Frankenstein.
Though, If you liked any of those 80's kid films, then check it out (if you can find a copy), and watch in dumbfounded awe as the kids melt their mother's silverware into bullets in shop class, make friends with the Frankenstein Monster (who defects from the baddies), and kick the Wolfman, who does, in fact, have nards.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-01-07 03:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've just watched this film again for the first time in umpteen years, and I've realized that my synopsis here is pretty flawed.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-18 19:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back nigga!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this film is obscure for a reason, its fucking awful. Like a shit version of the goonies. Thanks for throwing me back to my childhood though
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-18 17:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Nitty acts like he invented movies
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-18 17:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I changed my mind. Don't know why.
Yeah...this movie ruled, dude.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-18 17:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE THE MONSTER SQUAD!!!!!
I was a pre-teen when this gem came out & I remember having a few of the Teen Beat posters of the boys in the cast up on my wall (yes, please shoot me for it).
I actually went looking to go rent a copy of this about a month ago but I still have not found a copy anywhere. Damn.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-18 17:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wolfman doesn't have nards..."
"Kick him there anyway!!"
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-11-18 16:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:18:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like nitty's series better.
Who the fuck ever heard of this flik?
When you go for obscure you still have to have SOME people that remember the fucking movie.
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Then don't bitch because you don't remember it.
Christ, that's all you ever do. Bitch, bitch, bitch...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The scary German guy is bitchin'.
Submitted by woman (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I remember this movie I loved it as a kid. If you haven't seen it, do it! I still have it on one of my super old VHS tapes. Used to watch it when I got home from school, the memories!
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this the one where they make there own silver bullets? I remember some fim with a load of teenagers fighting monsters. The only bit i can remember for sure is that they made their own silver bullets. I remember loving the film, what's it called? Or is it this one?
Submitted by Jesus_Loves_TwEE (user info) at 2005-11-18 10:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The best part was when Dracula picked up the little girl by the throat and called her a bitch...the thing was filthy with cursing, Now thats a good kids movie.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-18 09:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember loving the shit out of this movie when I was little. I went to see where I could buy it on DVD and found out that the fat kid died of pneumonia (sp?) when he was 22.
That sucks...
So does the fact that you can't get this movie on DVD yet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like nitty's series better.
Who the fuck ever heard of this flik?
When you go for obscure you still have to have SOME people that remember the fucking movie.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Volume 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72018
Volume 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72194
Volume 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72374
Volume 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72565
Volume 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/72899
Volume 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73074
Volume 7: http://www.unersite.com/m/74245
Submitted by youarewrong (user info) at 2005-11-18 07:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wolfman's got Nards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Last Prostitute
is the name of the wil wheaton movie in question
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
wasnt there some wil wheaton movie where he bangs this older woman?
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The only Wil Wheaton film that I've ever seen a woman get banged in was "The Curse" (and that was just god-awful, plus I don't follow his work so closely)
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:20:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.....the hot bitch wasn't a virgin
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Yeah, so they had to have Scary German Guy help Sean's little sister recite the incantation
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.....the hot bitch wasn't a virgin
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
"Nards"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wasnt there some wil wheaton movie where he bangs this older woman?