Transformers the movie explained. Part 1. (4964 hits)
Category: Movies & TVLabels: Transformers
Rating: 0.27 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Redskieslookfake (View user info) at 2005-11-18 05:37:34 EST
1.08 - Look! It's Unicron!! Clearly no-one on this planet can look up to spot a giant vagina flying through space to destroy them.
2.03 - Robotic chomping noises as Unicron eats first planet. This is a fairly phallic scene as Unicron's 'mouth' bears a more than passing resemblance to a mound. Georgia O'Keefe would be nodding in appreciation at this.
2.18 - Unicron's ring starts glowing in satisfaction.
2.26 - Intro music - 1983 at its best.
3.08 - Leonard Nimoy's name appears - the scene is set for one of the greatest morality tales of our time.
3.53 - Decepticons much better after all - having conquered Cybertron.
4.39 - Optimus Prime admits shitness of his supplies due to his poor planning. No-one seems to blame old Prime for this however.
4.45 - Ironhide cocky about chances of victory - plans to start busting Decepticon chops. What with Ironhide?
5.16 - The janitor from The Shining asks about any 'Decepticon Shenanigans' - is roundly ignored.
6.52 - Megatron and friends board Autobot spaceship and starts killing Autobots.
7.10 - Huffer dead
7.28 - Decepticons use cover - unlike stupid Autobots who get their shit ruined as a result.
8.00 -Ironhide decides to start on Megatron despite his rubbish condition - obviously still wants to bust Decepticon chops. - Megatron ends his misery by shoving his barrel into Ironhide's face- thanks big guy, Ironhide can die happy now.
8.19 - Hot Rod's first appearance - fat useless bastard that he is
8.54 - beginning of Dare by Van Halen - the 1980s had no shame.
9.04 - Hover boards are shite as Daniel comes a cropper.
9.30 - Hot Rod takes Daniel to Lookout mountain for some Autobot frottage
9.52 - Kup threatens to 'straighten out' Hot Rod - who is clearly gay
10.26 - Decepticons attack - Hot Rod hams it up on screen
10.41 - Blitzwing turns into kickass tank - thwarted by Kup at 10.59. It would indeed be disconcerting to have some old man grab your barrel just as you start shooting.
11.43 - Perceptor stares down his jap's eye
12.00 - Ultra Magnus' giant shoulders produce much merriment for all concerned. What's with your giant shoulders Magnus?
12.12 - Blur is clearly on speed.
12.27 - Springer coldheartedly abandons Kup and Hot Rod to their fate. Played my green friend - now you've got Arcee to yourself.
13.03 - Starscream gets foot stuck in Autobot city.
13.09 - Starscream shoots own foot to get free. Interesting - I'd have shot at whatever was keeping my foot trapped - but then I don't talk in a high pitched scream throughout a film.
13.21 -Autobot city transforms
13.39 -Insecticons seek to enter city by the power of chewing the door.
14.06 - Insecticons crushed by Hot Rod and Kup. Who are now hanging out together in a 'old guy and his young gay lover' style.
14.18 -Blaster pretends he is black by rhyming badly. Blaster has got to be the chief Wigger of the Autobots. Jazz is authentically black, and possibly smoke screen. They clearly have rhythm.
14.30 - 'Cover your receptors Perceptor' says Blaster. Even Perceptor winces visibly.
14.54 - Soundwave's tapes go to kill Blaster - quality fight between midgets. Soundwave could be black, difficult to tell.
15.36 Much midget warfare - why do little people amuse so much?
15.58 - Blur still on speed
16.20 - Arcee grabs her breasts.
17.09- DEVASTATOR - the cartoon looks way better than the toy. Which looked lopsided, and fell to bits regularly.
17.27 -Springer claims "he has better things to do tonight than die" - Arcee looks uncomfortable - obviously remembering their last encounter
18.04 - Much battling - day breaks to reveal ruined city.
18.18 - Dinobots go to destroy Devastator
18.37 - Devastator drop kicks Grimlock. This does not reflect well on old Grimlock. Devastator is neither fast or sly.
18.45 -Devastator piledrives Sludge - who utters not a word - not very talkative my diplodocus friend.
19.02 - Megatron must be stopped says Prime, who heads off on his own, aware that he's one of the few Autobots who is actually any good. Must piss him off having to look after Bumblebee. Van Halen 'The Touch' plays.
19.20 - Prime mows down multiple Decepticons in one of the classiest fight sequences of any film ever. Don't recall Optimus Prime using rocket boosters at any other time however. Hmm.
19.34 - Prime is immune to lasers - apparently. Though in earlier episodes he gets regular kickings - even Laserbeak nailed him once. Pansy. Continues on his one robot rampage.
19.41 - Prime nails all the Decepticons who stand there dumbly while he runs them down or shoots them.
19.50 - Prime versus Megatron. Classic confrontation.
20.00 Prime shit at witty putdowns - very childish Prime. I mean come on. Megatron questions as to why Prime is going to throw his life away? Prime retorts with "you should ask yourself that question!" Megatron so enraged by this shitty 'Peewee Herman" style putdown that he attacks.
20.19 - Megatron spikes Optimus
20.27 - Optimus punches Megatron
20.30 - Laser sword nails Prime in the ribs - Prime pissed - but does not cry due to vague vestige of manliness. Or he's acting up for the cameras - attention whore that he is.
20.45 - Uppercut to Megatron's chin
20.50 - Kick to Prime's face
21.00 - Prime uses Judo - a very simple throw, but it seems to confuse Megatron - who presumably was expecting another witty putdown along the lines of 'no Megatron - it is YOU who will be defeated.'
21.09 -Prime retrieves gun to nail Megatron
21.30 - Hot Rod interferes - seeking to steal the glory - a reoccurring theme.
21.36 - Hot Rod used as living shield by Megatron. The first time any use is found for him.
21.45 - Prime falls after repeated shooting. Give Prime his due - he does good death.
22.00 Double Axehandle of vengence - Megatron goes down like a bitch. Megatron should have kept shooting Prime for a bit longer while giggling.
22.18 Hot Rod pervs over Optimus Prime
22.27 -close up of Starscream's knob - unnecessary and scarring for any child.
22.39 - Soundwave sounds like a cylon from Battlestar Galactica
22.54 - comedy as Rumble carries Megatron's gun - ho ho little midget - you are the best of the midgets.
23.14 -seriously Astrotrain, do something other than fly around - fat bastard. You ever seen him fire a gun? He's like a bus driver.
23.29 - Prime fairly unwell as can be evidenced by life support machine.
23.38 Perceptor stares down his own Jap's eye again
23.55 - Prime sad to by dying and to have not had the opportunity to throttle glory hound Hot Rod. (could his name be any gayer?) Why not just call him Blazing Cock and get it over with?
24.14 - Prime seems to like Magnus - pity over those shoulders I presume.
24.27 - Magnus unworthy of leadership - again, it's those shoulders.
24.43 - Much handholding between the trucks.
24.50 - Prime opens himself up and reveals his hidden treasure. This is not phallic however. Prime is all man.
25.08 - Blazing Cock catches Matrix and gives to Ultra Magnus
25.25 - Nice chest Magnus.
24.34 - Prime dies - Many children cry in the 1980s.
25.56 - Prime goes grey
26.15 - Inside Unicron's head - much shoutage as Unicron finds out that Big Shoulders is now his nemesis.
26.30 - Astrotrain needs to throw some weight away - despite being in space. Anyone with even a smattering of physics knowledge shakes head in disgust.
26.42 - Survival of fittest - or in this case the renewal of an aging toy line - the Power Rangers copy this later. Old transformers thrown out to be replaced with new inferior toys.
26.58 - Decepticons tossed overboard
27.07 - Megatron given the big boot by the high pitched one.
27.26 Starscream makes claim for leadership
27.30 "Soundwave superior Constructicons inferior" apparently - I'd have given it to Soundwave I must say - he reads minds and stuff.
28.00 - Rumble and Frenzy ruin Devastator - who manages to fit inside Astrotrain despite size differences.
28.30 - Megatron meets Unicron
28.43 - Megatron grabs Unicron's horn - this is not phallic at all - apparently.
29.03 - "No-one summons Megatron"
29.14- Unicron looks like a space minge - again, this is not phallic at all.
29.45 The point is you're a fool
30.11 You belong to me now Megatron
30.34 Excellent
30.39 - Megatron upgraded - and made Unicron's bitch.
30.55 - mmm curvy
31.15 Scourge and the Sweeps created
31.25 - Cyclonus and his armada - 'his armada' is an exact clone of Cyclonus, who NEVER APPEARS AGAIN.
31.38 Leonard Nimoy begins to threaten others with a beating.
31.49 - Leonard heads to Cybertron
32.05 - Destroy the Matrix
32.11 Starscream to be crowned
32.29 - Starscream crowned
32.43 - Coronation Starscream? This is bad comedy
32.52 - Galvatron nails Starscream with his orange cannon.
33.10 Crown falls
33.14 Galvatron crushes crown
33.26 - Galvatron takes over
33.43- Unicron sneaks up on moon
33.52 - erm - how? He's fucking massive. Autobots give further reasons why they should be defeated.
34.00 - Autobots begin rebuilding on Earth
34.10 - Blaster still not black - though he thinks he is. Perhaps breakdancing lessons for him? It might help.
34.22 - Enormous weird looking planet
34.40 - No escaping Unicron's maw
34.50 Spike and Bumblebee try a cunning plan.
35.11 - Explosives activated
35.38 - BOOOM
35.50 - Ho ho
35.52 - "oh shit - what are we gonna do now?" The first and only swearword in transformers.
36.10 - Nimoy in pain due to arguing with his pimp.
36.30 Galvatron is Unicron's bitch - this point is hammered home with high pitched whine and red lights.
36.55- Daniel upset about his dad - unaware that he was secretly adopted. Much against Spike's wishes
37.00 Springer pessimistic
37.16 - second Decepticon attack on Earth - again, catches Autobots by complete surprise.
37.28 Ultra Magnus nails Galvatron's ship
37.48 - Arcee pervs over Daniel and Hot Rod
38.12 Grimlock has been eating chillis - fiery breath used to dissuade Decepticons.
38.44 Hot Rod lassoos Grimlock - not for bondage however. No. Not at all.
38.55 other Dinobots are Grimlock's bitches.
39.03 - Grimlock moves noodle out of Kup's face.
39.16 - Petro Rabbits?
39.33 - Springer calls Daniel 'squirt' - pervert
39.57 Jump Arcee - jump for safety.
40.02 - Arcee has same haircut as Princess Leia - stupid hair buns
40.33 - Giant spaceship evades Decepticons
40.49 -Grimlock knocks over Swoop
41.06 Hot Rod fighting robot in the same style as Luke versus the seeker in Star Wars a New Hope.
41.33 Galvatron shoots missiles - played my purple headed friend.
42.00 missed Galvatron - you shit
42.16 Cyclonus has a dick for a head as well - he attacks
42.44 Crashage - warranty void?
42.50 Magnus doesn't give a shit about the damage to Hot Rod's ship - glad to be rid of that glory hound.
42.59 - "face it Shoulders, the Decepticons are gonna dog us until we're dead" - dogging? Stan Collymore getting a mention in Transformers.
43.30 - Apparent death of Magnus et al
43.50 Galvatron smug and is punished for it
44.12 Springer not funny either
44.26 Magnus funny for first time, disses boring Perceptor - much droll comedy.
44.44 - Robotic fish?
44.55 - Hot Rod versus fish
45.05 Hot Rod's hand turns into circular saw
45.32 - Hot Rod saves Kup
45.59 - Hot Rod gets squirted by a squid - again, this is not phallic at all.
46.07 -Kup blowing bubbles erm? He's a robot who does not breathe. Bubbles? - again...
46.22 Kup 'fix me' though it could be 'fuck me' who can tell?
46.55 - Magnus 'parks' on the planet
47.05 - Shit parking big shouldered one
47.22 - Arcee dresses Daniel in bondage gear.
47.40 - Arcee gives Spike's exo suit to Daniel
47.57 - Daniel utter shit
48.05 Still utter shit
48.11 Daniel jammy - finally manages to stand upright.
48.37 - Eric Idle makes appearance.
49.00 Hot Rod services Kup - who is pleased with the result.
49.38 - Kup and Hot Rod set off to rescue Dinobots
49.55 Universal greeting
50.00 Bah weep grana weep nine bong
50.19 Kup feeds sweets to Sharkicons like a paedo.
50.38 'empty'
50.40 Sharkicons pissed
50.47 - Wheelie appears - gayest Autobot ever - even more than Bumblebee
51.03 - Hot Rod needs to appreciate Kup's experience - apparently.
51.33 - Quintessons have many heads
52.00 Stupid Quannix's beard amuses no-one
52.46 Guilty or innocent
52.49 - innocent
52.50 - dumped in with Sharkicons
52.20 Me Slag say you full of Berillinium Baloney
53.45 Wheelie mounts Grimlock
54.07 Wheelie shoots in Grimlock's nose
54.20 Grimlock not a rapper - perhaps he could enrol in Blaster's breakdancing lessons?
54.33 Close up of Unicron's mound - again.
55.04 - Stalk him, tear him apart
55.30 Eric Idle still not singing one foot in the grave
55.55 Springer's helicopter is cool
56.24 - Daniel giggling wanker
56.42 - Magnus promises to unleash power of Matrix - code for wanking?
57.00 open, damn it, open
57.20 Sweeps - terminate Magnus
57.36 - Galvatron promises to fuck Unicron over
to be continued.
User Reviews
Submitted by Naplander (user info) at 2008-08-30 17:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Great post Jake. Dick.
Submitted by Daniel_b (user info) at 2008-08-25 17:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Spreadsheets are the hawt.
Submitted by bricekrispy (user info) at 2008-08-24 16:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by stewie_GO_SAINTS (user info) at 2008-08-21 04:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2008-07-28 03:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't like it ;o(
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-03-06 00:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vintage Redskies.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2007-03-05 23:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i didn't think it was possible for a post this bad to earn a sequel.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-04 20:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you forgot to -2 part two as well. Kindly get a move on. You're giving a bad name to shitty posters.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2007-03-04 20:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 17:45:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
No whisky in the world can take away the pain of this post
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are truly the strangest man in the world.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 06:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY WAS THIS NEVER FINISHED?
Or was it, and I'm just too lazy to look in histories...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:35:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
How is Ironhide a cool name? They're robots! The human equivilant would be some old fart named Skinjob.
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A pox upon thee Berty. Ironhide is an old fart, but his endurance and hardy resolve are legend. The human equivelent is Dirk Pitt.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How is Ironhide a cool name? They're robots! The human equivilant would be some old fart named Skinjob.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:25:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
What IS the deal with Ironhide? And why did they give a cool name like that to A FUCKING MINIVAN???
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His skin was thick. Which explains that whenever the younger, cooler Autobots told him to fuck off, he just ignored it -and went on promising to bust Decepticon chops.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What IS the deal with Ironhide? And why did they give a cool name like that to A FUCKING MINIVAN???
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-20 05:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 21:45:29 (#)
Ranking: -1
Just how bloody bored were you? I actually like Transformers the Movie. It's a happy childhood memory & you are SPOILING IT!!!!
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Last time you can have a wank over Hot Rod without guilt. The truth must be told.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 21:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Just how bloody bored were you? I actually like Transformers the Movie. It's a happy childhood memory & you are SPOILING IT!!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 09:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about that naa na na na na naaaaa sound that played whenever they changed from a Decepticon scene to an Autobot sound? Annoyed every parent in the 1980s.
na na na na naaaaa naa
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-18 07:26:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to type that sound they make when they're transforming.
EE EH AH OW
no, wait...
EEH EEH AH OW OW
No that's wrong, erm....
EE AH OW OW OW
Bollocks.
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This was hilarious
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-18 08:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH....
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-18 07:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to type that sound they make when they're transforming.
EE EH AH OW
no, wait...
EEH EEH AH OW OW
No that's wrong, erm....
EE AH OW OW OW
Bollocks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:37:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the number of minutes and seconds into the film (MM:SS).
Some considerable time, and a large portion of what was left of my dignity went into this...
Have you noticed if you start Dark Side of The Moon by Pink Floyd at *exactly* the same time as you start TTM there is FUCK ALL coincidence?
Spooky.
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Far out.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the number of minutes and seconds into the film (MM:SS).
Some considerable time, and a large portion of what was left of my dignity went into this...
Have you noticed if you start Dark Side of The Moon by Pink Floyd at *exactly* the same time as you start TTM there is FUCK ALL coincidence?
Spooky.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you Kent.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, but I didn't understand the numbers.
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It's the number of minutes and seconds into the film (MM:SS).
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, but I didn't understand the numbers.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So cool
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 05:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://metaphorge.cyber1a.net/unicron/unicron2005poster.jpg
First image result for Unicron.