By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead (1541 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.85 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-11-18 11:12:00 EST
I wrote this earlier this year and posted it elsewhere.
(http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=334&SectionID=11)
It seemed fitting to post this after the mid-twenties-life crisis I have been having this week.
Ya, I know, ridiculous. But hell, I'm half 48 now. I need to get my shit together.
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By the time you read this, I'll be dead. Or maimed. Or maybe just napping. I'm really not sure. I'm kind of playing it by ear.
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely going to kill myself. Crippling depression coupled with the sad realization that my life will never rise above the level of mediocre has solidified my decision to shed this earthly coil ASAP. But it seems like every time I try to end it all, something comes up.
I really meant to do it this past week but I got pretty wrapped up in the NCAA semis and I wanted to see how that panned out. But as soon as they were over. I was ready to end this charade I call life when suddenly, "Superman 2" came on TNT.
"Superman 2" is by far my favorite in the series. That's the one with General Zod and his two cohorts from Krypton, and Lois finds out that Clark is Superman (duh). A lot of people prefer "Superman 3" with Richard Pryor but that one's too jokey for me.
I heard they're making a new "Superman" and originally they were talking about casting Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. What?! Are you kidding me!? Come on Hollywood!
But anyways, I got really into that, and by the time the movie was over it was pretty late, so I decided to "do the deed" the next day.
So when I woke up that morning, I was like, "Alright Mike, it's go time", and I went downstairs to get a knife. But when I got to the kitchen I realized that I was pretty hungry and decided to grab a bite, because hey, even guys on death row get a last meal!
I remembered that I had a twenty dollar gift certificate for the IHOP. I won it by calling into Classic Rock 95.3 and answering the Lunch Time Drive-In Trivia Question, "what band first recorded the Paul McCartney penned song, "Come and Get it"? (Badfinger).
So I went down to the IHOP and PIGGED OUT! I figured, why not? No need to stick to the South Beach at this point! It was sooooooo good! (Mike+Strawberry Filled Pancakes+Butter Pecan Syrup=Happy!) But as soon as I was done, I rushed home to end my life.
I got back to the kitchen where, wouldn't you know it, there was not a clean knife in the place. They were all in the dishwasher, which had just finished it's cycle and was waiting to be emptied. Now, my roommates and I have a little rule in our house. The first one to use a clean dish out of the dishwasher has to empty it. And I always end up getting stuck doing it! Nate and Chad would just let it sit there forever if they had their way. And I have a sneaking suspicion that they frequently use a clean dish and then just lock it back up and wait for "Mike the Sucker" to empty it anyways.
Well I refused to have my last act on earth be emptying the dishwasher, so I decided to find another way to abandon my mortal vessel.
Then I remembered that famous people like to kill themselves by eating a bunch of pills. So I figured that might be kind of a cool way to go. I started scrounging around the house for some drugs. Unfortunately, all that I could track down were five Tylenol PM, four Immodium AD and a handful of Sucrets. Not exactly what you would consider a lethal combo, but I figured I'd give it a shot anyways and I swallowed the whole gang.
As you probably guessed, the dose didn't kill me, but for one reason or another it did make me crap like a madman! I was on the pot for so long that I was too tired when I got off to even think about committing suicide. So I decided to finish myself off the in the morning.
The next day, I planned to kill myself by parking my car in my garage and leaving the engine running, the way a young John Cusack tried to do it in the cult 80's movie "Better Off Dead". Which still holds up as pretty funny flick even though it's really dated. Check it out.
So I pulled the old Tempo into the garage and anticipated that the next voice I heard would be that of St. Peter, welcoming me to Paradise.
Instead, it was my neighbor Steve, with whom we share a garage. He was doing some work on his fence and wanted to borrow my post-hole digger. I told him that was fine and we both went back about our business. Unfortunately, Steve was in and out of the garage so much getting tools that the carbon-monoxide kept escaping. So after six hours, not only was I not dead, I was low on gas and had a killer headache. I went back inside, cheated by death once again. I went to bed with my head pounding and no relief in sight as I had taken all the Tylenol PM the night before. (When it rains it pours!)
So here I am now. Poised to leap off of the Rocky River Metropark bridge. Ready to plummet into the sweet abyss that is eternity. But you know, now that I really look at it, this might not be high enough of a jump to kill me.
I had thought about driving to the Independence Overpass bridge. Now that baby's high! That definitely would have done it. But it's kind of far and I would have had to stop to get gas. ($2.21 a gallon, F-That!).
I just called down to some kids who were fishing below me and they answered. That probably means I'm not high enough.
Oh elusive Grim Specter of Death, when will you finally harvest this wayward soul!?
It's cold up here. I think I'll mosey home and watch some E! Network.
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-24 11:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha.
You know what, if I was fucking you up your ass, I would give you a reach around. That's how good this was.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-28 09:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I went to bed with my head pounding and no relief in sight as I had taken all the Tylenol PM the night before. (When it rains it pours!)"
this was probably the best bit of the post, but it could have been even better if it hadve been a little less blatant.
really, really good post though.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-28 09:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job Mike, I missed this the first time around
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 09:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 09:09:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Evil
HHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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YOU BASTARD!!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Insert your stupid state in here _____________ and it will still be bald and fruity.
""
Virginia, not virgina.
I love this post.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Damn funny.
Submitted by PigOnLifeSupport (user info) at 2005-11-19 11:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-18 20:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wait. . . There's more good shit on TV. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-18 20:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're half 48. Big fuckin' whoop. I'm twice 28.
24 isn't enough to get even a small taste of life. All four
of my kids are older than you. Check out life, dude, you ain't
even started yet. . .
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-11-18 20:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good laugh after a pretty rough day, thanks.
Submitted by silent1 (user info) at 2005-11-18 19:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-18 17:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me want to kill myself. I like it!
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-11-18 16:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-18 15:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
say hi to Touchdown Jesus for me
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-11-18 15:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that superman two was very good, but I didn't dig
that whole super shrink wrap shit or that vanishing and reappearing
act he pulled in the fortress of solitude
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Semi-hilarious
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was not funny....
which is what I'd say if it didn't kick so much ass!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the funniest thing I've read in days.
Have another +2.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got two job offers lined up. +2's for everyone!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Matt. Did you get your atm cards back?
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-18 14:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll help you buddy! After all what are friends for?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't do it, you dirty linkwhore. ;)
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:04:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately, Steve was in and out of the garage so much getting tools that the carbon-monoxide kept escaping. So after six hours, not only was I not dead, I was low on gas and had a killer headache.
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Comedy of the highest order. Played.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better luck next time.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chicago.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-18 13:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately, Steve was in and out of the garage so much getting tools that the carbon-monoxide kept escaping. So after six hours, not only was I not dead, I was low on gas and had a killer headache.
---
Comedy of the highest order. Played.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
super!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Oden's Raven!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed like a freaking moron at the part where you took the pills.
I nearly cried.
Thought you should know that.
Hope you're feeling better! =)
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"skate it off"
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll spend a dollar for a laugh.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-18 12:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why isn't this rated better? This was pretty funny.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well... I could still use some friends :)
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:36:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
Killing yourself is for cowards and pussies. Act like a man and fucking deal with it you fucking pansy.
-----
Wow. We have some real educated readers here this afternoon.
Today's first lesson: Sarcasm
Second lesson: Ass pounding, motherfucking morons.
Example 1:
Everything you ever wanted to know about Boondock
User id: 22160
Registered on or around: 2005-09-22 17:16:41
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 11
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Killing yourself is for cowards and pussies. Act like a man and fucking deal with it you fucking pansy.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I want my two dollars."
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But hell, I'm half 48 now. I need to get my shit together.
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I'm fucked then.
completely fucked.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh apathy, saver of so many, many lives.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4
this was great