Why does Father Christmas need a police escort? (734 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spacey (View user info) at 2005-11-19 10:46:39 EST
Today is the 19th of November. I know that, you probably know that, so why the hell don't the "town planners" of this joyful little shithole I work in know that? They are turning on the Christmas lights in about 2 hours, probably with some has-been soap star just to add that little touch of "class", (I think last year it was Hannah from neighbours).
In the lead up to them pressing a button and turning on the worst display of Christmas lights ever, there is "street entertainment". Everyone knows that street entertainment in this country consists of a few people on stilts and hundreds of people trying to sell you glow sticks or stupid hats.
The streets are crawling with families and their little angels, stuffing themselves with candy floss and getting all excited about a bunch of different coloured lightbulbs. Earlier Father Christmas went past my office in a horse drawn carriage, I assumed the effects of my late night cocaine, ecstasy and shroom fest hadn't quite worn off, but sure enough, an hour later there he was again, this time with a police escort. "Why does Father Christmas need a police escort?" I asked myself, which is when I imagined running out of my office at full speed and drop kicking him off his carriage. I've been working by myself today, so this thought humoured me more that it normally would and triggered some rather unfestive thoughts as I imagined the look on the faces of hundreds of children as Father Christmas lay broken in the road, his carriage but a tiny spec on the horizon...
This thought inspired me to think of all the different reasons that Father Christmas would need a police escort and here they are:
1. Father Christmas is a drug baron and the police escort consists of bent cops who are ferrying three tonnes of cocaine to the next town
2. Father Christmas is in fact Saddam Hussain and is transporting his weapons of mass destruction to a secret underground bunker in the South of England (the police escorts are obviously his minions)
3. Father Christmas has received death threats from animal rights activists after making his pet reindeer fly all around the world in one night
4. Father Christmas needs protecting from loving parents after the charges against him for sneaking into little boys rooms with his bulging sack and filling their stockings, were dropped due to lack of evidence
That's all I could come up with, I'm sure there must be a legitimate reason for it, but I just can't seem to hit the nail on the head.
User Reviews
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-19 11:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sneaking into little boys rooms with his bulging sack and filling their stockings"
Brilliant!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-21 08:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was small I believed in Santa Clause
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I'd be glad
But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor
They said:
"Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys.
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
"Don't give my brother a fucking outfit
Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real McCoy
"Father Christmas, give us some money
We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys
"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
He's got lots of mouths to feed
But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids down the street
"Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine
"Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-11-21 08:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-21 07:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in the south of England too.
Just thought I'd mention it. I figured I was the only uberer down here.
hmm
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Yay...big up the South of England uber massive...and all that jazz...or something...work is currently sucking all the emotion from my soul...
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-21 07:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in the south of England too.
Just thought I'd mention it. I figured I was the only uberer down here.
hmm.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-19 18:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Father Christmas = Santa Clause?
Congrats on being able to write anything of significance
after a bender like that
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the U.S. he has police escorts and rides on a fire truck. So he has armed guards and means of hosing down dissenters. Doesn't sound like a jolly old elf, more like Fidel Castro out on a lark.
The "Ho ho ho" thing confused me when I was little because that's what my dad would say to mom when he'd get drunk. That's also why the Jolly Green Giant used to scare me.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flew around the world in one night? How'd they do that, man?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-11-19 11:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Little do they know the real Father Christmas was killed and replaced by Michael Jackson in a fat suit hoping to lure little kids onto his lap. "Don't worry Johnny, that's just the toy rocket Santa bought for you. You can play with it, but you can't unwrap it til Christmas!"
Of course it will all become obvious when instead of "ho ho ho" he utters "hee-hee, hoo!"