How I have tried to kill Phate. Pt. 1 (1163 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.01 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <oleannder.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-19 12:44:04 EST
Did you grow up in a household with a sibling very close to your own age? Did you get along & play nicely or did you try your damnedest to make sure that they would never spawn the next generation?
My brother (known in this fun area of cyberspace as Phate) and I are a little under 2 years apart in age, with myself being the eldest. I knew from the moment that my parents brought home that scrawny pink screaming thing from the hospital that things just were not going to work out between us. So, much like Stewie Griffin, I set out to destroy my enemy.
Luckily for me back then my little brother was a somewhat sickly baby. Since then he has grown into a 6 ft 4 demon from the depths of Hell. He was always in & out of the hospital with serious respritory problems - something we never discuss now as we stand outside & suck in a lungful of sweet sweet nicotine - so having a tiny, weak baby to make a target of my toddler wrath made things quite easy. I would do all the things that a loving big sister would do, carry him around by his head & bash him into walls or paint his face & body in diaper rash cream, trying to make him prettier.
One day, when I was 3, I woke up much earlier then the rest of my family & headed into the kitchen to look for something to eat. Upon opening up the fridge I discovered the Holy Grail of toddler fantasies: several large chocolate bars that our Father had purchased the night before. Even though a tiny part of me knew that it was wrong to take the chocolate without asking I just had to have some of that tasty goodness, so I grabbed a Kit Kat & happily munched on it as I watched cartoons on the television downstairs.
I was merrily enjoying a Tom & Jerry vingette when I picked up the sounds of people getting up out of bed. I looked at the empty Kit Kat wrapper & it dawned on me that I would be getting in some major trouble if it were discovered that I had eaten the candy. What to do? What to do? I rushed upstairs with the wrapper & quietly opened the door to my brother's room. The pink squealy monkey-thing was still asleep. Good. I slipped the wrapper through the bars of his crib & smeared a tiny ammount of the melted chocolate from my fingers onto his forehead. With my alibi set I wandered into the kitchen where my Father was about to get breakfast started.
Dad opened up the frige to grab some eggs & right away noticed that something was amiss. Where was the Kit Kat bar? Did I eat the Kit Kat bar? I looked up at my daddy with great big solemn brown eyes & shook my head "No Daddy, not me.". He looked a bit puzzled & called out to my Mother "Hey Momma" (They called each other Momma & Daddy in those days so that we little ones didn't get confused, now they just stick to Asshole & Bitch) "Did you eat the Kit Kat?". She also professed her innocence.
Now here is where my plan started to fall apart. My Mom went into my brothers room, saw the Kit Kat wrapper in his crib & let out one of the loudest & weirdest shrieks I had ever heard - this noise has never been duplicated. Dad goes running in & they both start yammering at each other. Mom has turned an interesting shade of yellow-grey. I couldn't make much out of what they were saying, I was just happy that they thaought that HE had taken it & not me. Then came the part I had not thought of. My Mom looks out & says "But how did he get it?". Damn... so close yet so far away. How the hell is a 1 year old supposed to get out of his prision-like crib, make his way to the kitchen, grab a Kit Kat off the higher shelf & then make his way back into the crib before eating it? They both looked at me at the same time. "Did you give your brother the chocolate?" "Nooooooooooo" I whined, thinking that I was somehow cute enough to be believable.
With an huge ammount of control, my Mother grit her teeth & asked it again "Did you give your brother the chocolate?". With amazing clarity I came up with a new brilliant scheme - the 'I was only being a good sister' scheme. "He looked hungry & I thought he would like it". Big mistake. At this my Mother whooped & started to shriek "He's allergic to chocolate! We have to get him to the hospital NOW!!" and rushed out of the room, carrying her 'sick' baby.
Here is where I started to feel a teeny bit bad. My Dad knelt down beside me & spoke to me very gently, he told me that it was very nice of me to want to feed my brother, but that from now on I had to check with him or Mommy on what to give him. I avoided looking at him & in a very small voice I told him that it was me who ate the chocolate & that I just put the wrapper in the crib 'cause I didn't want to get in trouble.
I don't remember much after that but I am pretty sure that once he told my Mother what really happened I was litterally smacked into the next week.
Score:
Phate - 1
Oleannder - 0
I had years to try again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Unbound (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it. Had no siblings of my own but I have a lot of cousins that I have stayed with before & we all got into it at one time or another.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cute kids.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-22 04:12:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
OH NOES, I TALKED SHIT AND YOU RETALIATORY -2ED ME
I GUESS I DID FUCK YOU IN THE ASS
WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP
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Where did I -2 you? I don't remember you knob.
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-22 04:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. what a stupid article
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-22 04:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OH NOES, I TALKED SHIT AND YOU RETALIATORY -2ED ME
I GUESS I DID FUCK YOU IN THE ASS
WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP WHOP
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-22 04:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:39:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phate, I fucked your sister in the ass.
love,
rad1101
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Hey, aren't you the one who was begging me to strap on a dildo & do you like your grandpa & his friends used to? Or are you the one who is always talking about how much they like the taste of donkey cum?
he he
YES, AND YES.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for lowering my score ,Phate. Paybacks are a bitch. . . . . . .
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:39:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phate, I fucked your sister in the ass.
love,
rad1101
------------------------------------------
Hey, aren't you the one who was begging me to strap on a dildo & do you like your grandpa & his friends used to? Or are you the one who is always talking about how much they like the taste of donkey cum?
he he
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:39:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phate, I fucked your sister in the ass.
love,
rad1101
_________________________________________________________
Rad or baking lady: Yer asking for shit.
Phate, thanks for the +2s, but you missed a few posts. . .
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phate, I fucked your sister in the ass.
love,
rad1101
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks, Phate, you're a decent person. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:48:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw red when you started to trash talk my sister.
She is the older one but still protective.
Had not gotten to the fake apologies yet.
_________________________________________________________
What makes you think the apologies were fake? I apologized
for having fun trashing someone undeservedly. I made up for it with a shitload
of +2s. So how about you reciprocate?
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw red when you started to trash talk my sister.
She is the older one but still protective.
Had not gotten to the fake apologies yet.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phate or the alter has tons of class. -2ed evry one of my posts.
Really cool.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:11:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
nah, her whole purpose in life is to make mine difficult, the bitch.
_______________________________________________________________________
Looks like she is winning. . .
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tally as it stands today....
Phate 293,492
Oleannder 4
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nah, her whole purpose in life is to make mine difficult, the bitch.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-19 14:59:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm, wish Id though of murdering my sister when I was a toddler, id have gotten away with it and saved myself 24 years of fucking grief
______________________________________________________
I got ten bucks says she feels the same about you :<)
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-19 14:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm, wish Id though of murdering my sister when I was a toddler, id have gotten away with it and saved myself 24 years of fucking grief
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 14:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you do. I'm as sweet as the ass of a rabid skunk that's been in the
hot sun for a week.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:50:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Better? No. You still fucking misspelled GRAMMAR! Pay attention. Heh.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I do it just for you sweetness.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:45:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple more because I am an asshole. :)
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Aww, that's sweet. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch or anything I just hate getting zinged on some minor spelling & grammer issues. If they are really such a big deal then there should be a spell check feature added. It's the story that I like to see being rated, if you hate the story & the way I have told it then by all means feel free to give me all the negative feedback you want.
Better?
_________________________________________________________
Better? No. You still fucking misspelled GRAMMAR! Pay attention. Heh.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple more because I am an asshole. :)
-------------------------------------------------
Aww, that's sweet. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch or anything I just hate getting zinged on some minor spelling & grammer issues. If they are really such a big deal then there should be a spell check feature added. It's the story that I like to see being rated, if you hate the story & the way I have told it then by all means feel free to give me all the negative feedback you want.
Better?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:42:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies are WAY more resilient than you'd expect.
________________________________________________________
Yeah. I suspect ALL of my "babies" are much older than you.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies are WAY more resilient than you'd expect.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:39:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:23:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, forget your atrocious spelling and grammar.
You were less than two years old when they brought
your brother home and you hated him?
Gimme a break. Don't stretch the truth quite so far.
____________
I was two when my sister was born.
I tried to burn her, drown her, and on one memorable occasion I put her in the oven and tried to cook her.
________________________________________________________________________
Baby biscuits? Far out! Rather precocious, aren't we?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But it's okay, because I only hated her until my brother was born two years later and we had someone new to kill.
We hated him soooo fucking much.
He, too, is 6'4 now.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:23:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, forget your atrocious spelling and grammar.
You were less than two years old when they brought
your brother home and you hated him?
Gimme a break. Don't stretch the truth quite so far.
____________
I was two when my sister was born.
I tried to burn her, drown her, and on one memorable occasion I put her in the oven and tried to cook her.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple more because I am an asshole. :)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is because I had fun at your expense. Thanks for calling me
a jackass. No one in my entire life has EVER called me worse.
Heh!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for your brother, who can now whup yer butt. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is because I pissed you off :>P
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for the story.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was at a spelling bee when Quayle was raped by a clown.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, forget your atrocious spelling and grammar.
You were less than two years old when they brought
your brother home and you hated him?
Gimme a break. Don't stretch the truth quite so far.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:13:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
That's "Majesty." That's "grammar." Your brain is obviously damaged
beyond repair. Die, fuckhead.
--------------------------------------------
Almost did, too bad you didn't know about it before hand so that you could wish me even more ill. I hope you end up in a special section of Hell that involves Anal Rapist Clowns & a Dan Quayle Spelling Bee. It could be your Heaven.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nazis have their place on Ubersite. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you want to write, learn to write. If you want to be a smartass,
get a brain.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent enough story. +2 mainly to counteract the grammar nazi below.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:01:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:50:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
"One day, when I was 3, I woke up much earlier then the rest of my family "
________________________________________________________________________
Then and than are not the same. Proofread or don't post.
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Sorry your magesty. I guess that all of the rehab work that I have been doing to come back from a brain damaging illness must still need some work. I will try my hardest to try & please you with my ever so humble grammer in the future. Jackass.
_______________________________________________________________________
That's "Majesty." That's "grammar." Your brain is obviously damaged
beyond repair. Die, fuckhead.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-19 13:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:50:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
"One day, when I was 3, I woke up much earlier then the rest of my family "
________________________________________________________________________
Then and than are not the same. Proofread or don't post.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry your magesty. I guess that all of the rehab work that I have been doing to come back from a brain damaging illness must still need some work. I will try my hardest to try & please you with my ever so humble grammer in the future. Jackass.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-19 12:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"One day, when I was 3, I woke up much earlier then the rest of my family "
________________________________________________________________________
Then and than are not the same. Proofread or don't post.