Growing pains (1699 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.95 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-19 14:40:18 EST
We had a swing, when I was a kid. It was a long bench suspended from an iron frame at each end (see pic below, my powers of description suck at three in the morning) and it had this arc when it swung down. You could build up a fair bit of speed on it.
We would play this stupid, stupid game, my sister and brother and I. One of us would lie underneath the swing, face-up, and the other two would swing it as fast and high as they could. The swing had just enough clearance to not hit you on its way down and back up, but jesus when you saw it rocketing towards you it was deliciously frightening.
The game was to lie there and not yell for them to stop swinging. I was great at this game, because I understood physics way earlier than they did. (No big achievement - I was eleven, they were nine and seven.) If it doesn't hit you the first time, it won't hit you the second or third of fourth, right? The arc doesn't change, your position doesn't change, the risk stays the same in that the only way you'll get hurt is if the fucking thing falls on you.
My mistake was in assuming I'D stay the same, too. But disgusting alienesque things happen to girls when they hit eleven. And if the poor things are very, very unlucky, they happen really fast.
I should have taken the hint when Mum bought me a training bra (it's like training wheels for boobs - they're so you don't fall over and they're almost as embarrassing. Mine had "Lil Devil" written around the band - honestly, what was she thinking? I WAS ELEVEN. My school shirt was light yellow, right, and this lettering was on a white band in BIG FUCKOFF BLACK LETTERS and if you don't think the boys at school made me suffer for months because they could read my boob-announcement, it's been a long time since you were around eleven year old boys. I saw this kid the other day wearing a tight T-shirt that said "Daddy's Little Devil" across the front. Is it wrong to feel a little nauseous? Never mind, then.)
Lying on my back, on the grass, watching Jenny and Tom pull the swing all the way up to the top of the frame (they weren't on it, because you can build up more speed this way and also, can watch me squealing in delighted fear like kids do.)
And they let it go.
And the metal footrests damned near tore my blossoming little shame-packets of womanhood right off my pubescent chest.
I rolled out from under the swing, arms crossed over my poor undernourished boobs, yowling like a cat being skinned. Dad came running out and sized up the situation with one horrified glance.
"This is your Mother's department, not mine. She's uh... she's shopping right now... uhm.. would you like a band-aid? No, sorry, of course not, that's silly. Uhm. Tell you what, you..lie there, nice and comfy, and uh, when she gets back, I'll... you know, send her out."
I lay on the grass for an hour while my Dad fluttered around me nervously and my brother kept asking if they'd popped like balloons and my sister wandered off to tie a towel around her chest to "stop the lumps".
The most excruciating part of it, actually, was when my mother finally came home and we had a long long long long talk about "the responsibilities of womanhood", which as far as I could tell involved not getting your tits ripped off and keeping your legs closed at all times and never riding a bike in a skirt and not being alone with boys "Except for that nice Lee boy down the road" (who had a harelip and three fingers missing and was the most NonThreatening male I've ever met in my life). When she got to the question about "And have you started, you know... getting visits from Aunty Flo? Having a visitor from out of town?" I thought she was saying I had a relative who was coming to adopt me and started crying which she took to be shame at oozing blood and she reassured me that "Cramping at these times is perfectly normal and a sign your body is ready to have babies" WHICH REALLY FUCKING CHEERED ME UP A LOT.
(Two weeks later I found a book on my pillow called "Everything a Teenage Girl Should Know" and it had all sorts of information which was up-to-date in 1965 when the book was published. It warned a lot about masturbation and how people can become so addicted to self-manipulation they NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BECOME SOCIAL MISFITS.)
There was no point to this. It's 3am and life is supposed to be pointless at this hour.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol, listening to people born in the 1950s-1960s or reading books from that time is always funny because of all the euphemism. So many men probably became homosexuals (and women spinsters) just because their parents buried them under a load of euphemism and folklorish beliefs. I'm glad that you triumphed, Circe, or otherwise I wouldn't have an amusing story to brighten up my day :P
+1 for the story, +1 because Circe is possibly the funniest female poster on ubersite.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughing out loud.
And thanks for the picture. I [inserted own image here]'d the swing, and had no idea how it would had footrests underneath until I saw the drawing.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear lord in heaven.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-09 14:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*whimper*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-23 17:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:24:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooooooooh..
I completely skipped over the training bra stage. Now I'm glad.
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me too
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-21 22:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooooooooh..
I completely skipped over the training bra stage. Now I'm glad.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-21 08:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-11-21 00:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how people can become so addicted to self-manipulation they NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BECOME SOCIAL MISFITS
==========================
Sounds alot like some of the people on this site.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-20 19:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mother used to tell me that having wide hips was actually a good thing.
That when it was time I would have an easy time carrying babies.
I didn't want to hear that at 12 years old. I just wanted to be
boy-skinny at that age.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-20 10:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lil devil!haha
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-11-20 09:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA YOUR DAD!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-20 00:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-20 00:52:12 (#)
I just wanted you to think I was cool and dangerous...*cries*
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Well, I know better than to stand in front of a swingset when you're pushing it, that's for sure!
*dabbing at your tears* There there, let me comfort you, and soothe your poor abused sweatermeat.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-20 00:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:30:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'll be damned.
You told me those scars were from the S&M club!
________
I just wanted you to think I was cool and dangerous...*cries*
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-11-20 00:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-20 00:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - yes, but my tits are a lot further towards the lowest point of the arc than my face.
See what I mean? By the time it reached my face, it was already starting the upswing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-19 23:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody hell, it must have been close to your face before you had tits. I mean, even grown-up-tits-width is pretty close to your face for a swinging piece of metal, let alone eleven-year-old tits.
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-11-19 22:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA*winces*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.....
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-19 21:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny bugger
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-11-19 19:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... she reassured me that "Cramping at these times is perfectly normal and a sign your body is ready to have babies" WHICH REALLY FUCKING CHEERED ME UP A LOT.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-19 19:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for your poor breasts.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAH HA HA HA HA HAAAA
SHAME-PACKETS!!
This is one of your funniest posts ever.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
CAN I SEE YOU BREASTS PLEASE OR PREFERABLY JENNY'S BREASTS?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The arc doesn't change, your position doesn't change, the risk stays the same in that the only way you'll get hurt is if the fucking thing falls on you. """
yeah but YOU change and if I know you, and I think i do, then you changed real quick.
how'd ya like my rating mid read new thing?
i haven't been this slow cos i am a slow reader btw my phone rang.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not read this yet but i would like to point out some of my flaws.
first of all I read the first line like this:
We had a swing. When I was a kid.
and I was all ready to jump on you and read no further.
then i re-read it properly.
apologies, i will now read and rate properly.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!! God. What a fucking dipshit. Still, +2 for making me laugh my ass off.
"Other people's pain is funny."
Submitted by ugoat (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, the thing that keeps the boobs from sagging are those little microfibers in them. That and a non-flexible ligament. Thing is, what makes boobs sag is the trauma of gravity pulling at them, and uhh trauma.
What I'm saying is, now you know why your boobs sag.
That and the kids munching on them. and weight gain. and weight loss.
And the fact that you're old.
Oh wait, you're my age.
And the fact that you're not very well preserved for your age.
but your write well.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-19 17:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, fuck man.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'll be damned.
You told me those scars were from the S&M club!
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-19 16:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! That's where a training bra might actually serve a purpose. I used to put super balls in mine to freak out the neighbors.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post
Why dont you love me anymore? :'(
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:41:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I pretty much lost it when I got to the 'visitor from out of town' part. Hilarious.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is an awful drawing, but those swings were the most dangerous invention EVAR!
I used to stand on the side of it and sweing it as high as I could get it (I think that may have been what you were talking about in your post, but I can't be sure because I didn't read it) and my poor little sister walked right into the path of it and it almost took her fucking head off.
I really thought I had killed her.
30 stitches to the domepiece later, and she was good as new.
Now that I think about it, maybe thats what the hell is wrong with her today??
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats gotta smart....
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-19 14:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch