"Dumbledore's Army is a Bunch of Hot High School Girls" OR "How to Create a Creepy Situation" (56805 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: memories
Rating: 1.92 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-11-21 10:56:42 EST
So there I was, sitting in the movie theater with my 9-year-old niece. The previews wouldn't start for 35 minutes or so. I knew we would have to get there early to get those perfect seats right in the center. The flipside to this is that I had to entertain her for over a half hour. Have you ever sat with a 9-year-old in this age of instant gratification? After the Actor Jumbles and Movie Trivia started its third loop, she began testing my uncle-ing skills. Pardon me, I mean "skillz." I have to keep up with today's youth, after all.
Thumb-wrestling got old, she wasn't in the mood for mental math questions (yeah, I realize now that was a dumb idea), she didn't care about the Jets' holocaust of a season...I was stuck. And that's when it happened.
My niece's bantering faded out as "Pour Some Sugar on Me" faded in the back of my head. The row in front of us, empty all this time, began to fill up with the Teen Girl Squad. Except hotter. If you've read a decent sample of my posts, you know how I tend to describe "the perfect woman." Slender, but not bone-skinny. Perky, but not necessarily overwhelming, breasts. Tight ass. Sure enough, every single one of these cookie-cutter Abercrombie girls fit that description. Possibly the only difference between each girl was the color and shape of their belly-button rings.
And that's when my niece snapped me back to reality: "UNCLE! You just said S-H-I-T..."
Holy crap, I said "holy shit." There's no convincing my niece she heard me wrong, so I just apologized and offered her some candy so she wouldn't tell on me. But no I had a dual problem: I still had about 10 minutes left to entertain her, and I was distracted as hell by the young vixens in front. Look, it's like I would take this anywhere past my mind, but even you would marvel at how low their pants rode.
It dawned on me, however, that these hot chicks were here to see Harry Potter 4. I mean, chicks of this magnitude were here to see the same movie as myself and my niece. The same movie as those teenage guys in scarlet and gold robes in the front row. Surely these babes are only here because of the attraction of the PG-13 rating? Right? They couldn't possibly have made the effort of actually reading the books, right?
"So like, this is where Viktor Krum is the big world-class seeker and Ron is all up in his business when he gets to Hogwarts until Hermione goes to the Christmas Ball with him, right?"
"Yeah, but I think she only did it to make Ron jealous. I mean, they are so gonna hook up!"
"Duh, beeotch! Didn't you read 'Half-Blood Prince' yet?"
"Not yet--cheerleading camp all summer, duh yourself!"
"Whatever, I just can't wait to see Harry ride the broom in the Quidditch scenes this time. They should be better than the other three."
Holy shit! (I kept it in my mind that time) They were hot AND could talk a bit about Potter's world. Except that last girl was slightly mistaken...
"Actually, the Quidditch Cup was cancelled in Year 4 because of the Triwizard Tournament, but Harry will be using Firebolt when he goes up against the Hungarian Horntail dragon."
.
.
.
For the slightest, smallest, nanosecondiest of moments I was actually proud of myself.
And then the horror of the situation confronted my eyes and bitch slapped my senses harder than my niece had only minutes ago.
"Ummmm...thanks?"
I thought the blood was going to burst out of my cheeks as I realized I had no place carrying on any discussion about anything with a group of 16 y/olds. My eyes were wide as goatse's asshole as I stared at the uneasy expressions on these chicks' faces. Luckily, they started giggling amongst each other and shrugged off the creepy old guys's intrusion to their little teenage world.
When I slumped back in my seat, my niece hugged my arm. "Unkerz [her pet name for me], you're the best!"
"Oh yeah? Uhh, why?"
"Cuz you're so funny! Hee hee hee..." Right on cue--mercifully--the lights dimmed and Kevin James started telling us to turn off our cell phones and go buy popcorn.
In a few weeks I'll be 24. When I was the same age as these girls, which seems like last week, they were the about the same age as my niece. This makes me cry emo tears.
User Reviews
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-05 02:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
High school chicks.
Gotta love the legally wrong and morally deplorable sexual attraction.
btw...
"Then again, I read more Stephen King than is strictly healthy, so my opinion isn't, you know.. reliable."
I <3 Circe.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-02 14:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-01-31 14:44:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
How the FUCK does this get B@W?
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Embarrassing situation portrayed with some older-dude insight? I dunno.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-01-31 14:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How the FUCK does this get B@W?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-14 10:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about the age thing. No, really. The year my husband graduated, he could have been teaching me in fifth grade.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Glorious. I was one of those junior high girls that could pass for a 20 year old. 5'8 34C in 7th grade. I was gargantuan. In my sixth grade class at Halloween I was the Bride of Frankenstein and wore garrish makeup and when I walked into class, ppl thought I was the teacher...I towered over boys my age--so naturally I dated .... an Italian?? For 5 years?
anyway....
Teh RoXXors this was.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ain't it the truth with teeny boppers?
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best fuckin' b@w ever
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:13:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Re:16/yr olds
----------------
That comment made me laugh harder than the post itself.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:13:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh boo-fucking-hoo. You're 24. Fuck I'd kill to be 24 again.
____________________________________________________________________
All four of my children are well past 24. . .
The Harry Potter books are well-written. Anyone who thinks
otherwise is being supercilious.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh boo-fucking-hoo. You're 24. Fuck I'd kill to be 24 again.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-12-03 18:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. That old "1/2 your age + 7" formula tends to fall apart when it straddles (!) the 20-yr old mark...
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-12-03 17:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
S.S. Inevitable
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:11:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
That drawing of What's-Her-Face makes me want to fuck her.
----------------------------------------------------------
Is it disturbing that I agree with you?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That drawing of What's-Her-Face makes me want to fuck her.
Submitted by Paddles (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...so I just apologized and offered her some candy so she wouldn't tell on me."
Bwahaha. I love taking things out of context.
Oh... um... good post, or something.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-30 10:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W. It's about time. I was beginning to think that Bart was a humorless bastard, but I see now that I was mistaken.
TGS, WOO!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
harry potter is fucking lame. i'd take Rambo 3 over it anyday of the week.
this post was still amusing, though.
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sharwei (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:06:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, girls don't give a shit how old you are if they think you're hot. Most are curious about older guys too...So go on and hit on these 16 year olds. Don't puss out! haha
***
This is generally a bad idea.
Submitted by sharwei (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, girls don't give a shit how old you are if they think you're hot. Most are curious about older guys too...So go on and hit on these 16 year olds. Don't puss out! haha
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-11-29 03:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-21 21:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-21 21:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
--
Damnit. iddy beat me to it.
Submitted by aliceblack (user info) at 2005-11-24 23:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What an excellent story. I mean, I feel bad, but I laughed. Laughed at your misery.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!! B@W!
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-22 18:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' shit!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-22 11:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-11-22 08:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
B@W????
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-22 08:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YES!
YES!
YES!
B@W, w00t!!!
It might be raining here in NYC, but this just made my fucking morning! Yep, I admit it.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-11-22 05:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps you should have shown them your Power 9 and invited them back to your place so they could watch you Twiddle your Bone Flute.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-22 05:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Congrats!
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2005-11-21 23:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it a lot
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-21 21:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-21 20:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sitting in front of two hot girls on the bus just a few months ago when the pop song "Never Ever" came on. The girls started wondering out loud who made it and had almost decided it was the Spice Girls when i turned around and said "ACtually. it was All Saints".
Smooth.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-11-21 20:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as wide as goatse's asshole...
Where do you get this excellent material?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do people mistakenly associate Harry Potter with nerdery? It's what today's 8 year old nerd is into, but the books are popular and since popular people have no sense of individuality, they do whatever is "in." This is why 16 year old popular kids read Harry Potter and 16 year old nerds read LOTR and Dragonlance and shit like that.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The wizard needs food.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha...actually, Dungeons and Dragons was something I was never into. Same for Magic cards and all that other stuff.
Although I recently found Telengard for my Commodore 64 emulator.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you show them your 20-sided die?
Maybe your cleric is Reistant to Hotness. Perhaps you needed more mana before attacking the girlz.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here, just take this
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was a ride at a theme park called Quantum.
A five year old behind me asked his padre what quantum meant.
I turned round and gave a botched explanation involving packets of energy and black holes (the space kind), gave the kid a grin and turned back around. As i did my eye caught on a row of fitties behind the kid, who were sniggering at me.
+2 for sympathy
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude:
http://www.archivestowearpantsto.com/tracks/0103_underage_stalkers.mp3
'Nuff said.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Harry Potter...however, I will now be trawling cinemas for puntang. Thanks for the tip off.
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AUTO +2 TEEEN GIRL SQUAD REFERENCE
HAR HAR THE UGLY ONE!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-21 12:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am the same age as you. This kind of stuff happens to me all of the time.
Better yet, I am dating an 18 year old. At first, I was really bothered by her age. I mean, I wasn't even telling my friends and the only person that knew was my roommate. Now, I don't care so much. But, when I was 18, she was 12. A bit weird and my younger brother is older than her.
Oh well. She does me right like a screaming banshee, plus she's cool as hell. So, I came around.
I'm going to shut up now.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-21 12:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I thought the blood was going to burst out of my cheeks as I realized I had no place carrying on any discussion about anything with a group of 16 y/olds. My eyes were wide as goatse's asshole as I stared at the uneasy expressions on these chicks' faces. Luckily, they started giggling amongst each other and shrugged off the creepy old guys's intrusion to their little teenage world."
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Same experience, except I am thirty....... Slightly older than you.
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Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:22:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
i went on friday.
all i can say is...hermione. damn. that is going to be one fine looking english babe in a year when she reaches MaryKateandAshley-at-16 hot.
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I know it is seriously wrong that I think Tim is right.
-Dave
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-21 12:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Abracadabra!
...
...
...
LEGAL!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-21 12:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Duly noted, duly noted. They are indeed simplistic. I guess they just really apply to my juvenile side. Which is a pretty big side of me.
:::shrugs:::
I +2'd myself before, blahhhh.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-21 12:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't get me wrong - I'm not basing this on any kind of "Oh dahling you simply must avoid populah authors" bullshit.
I've read them, too - my son wanted them, so I had to read them to see if they were ok for him. Took me a week to read them all, but I did, and they just seemed juvenile and predictable to me.
Then again, I read more Stephen King than is strictly healthy, so my opinion isn't, you know.. reliable.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I would have echoed your sentiments at any point before my sophomore year in college. But my friend convinced me to read, and then buy, the whole collection.
Since this post isn't actually focused on HP, I don't think this is the proper forum for explaining why I enjoy this series. I enjoyed the LOTR epic, I am in love with the Divine Comedy, I suffered through Beowulf when I had to take Medieval Literature...I dunno, it's subjective and stupid, but the vast library of references I see in the Harry Potter books enthrall me.
That, and what Tim said about Emma Watson aka "Hermione."
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:53:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for tgs.
sOOOOOO good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to God there are junior high girls today that would pass for 20 the way they dress.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My eyes were wide as goatse's asshole"
"When I was the same age as these girls, which seems like last week, they were the about the same age as my niece. This makes me cry emo tears."
Yeah, uh... +2 bitch.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't know who Harry Potter was if I ran over him in my car. Not a clue on what this geek is all about.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want so badly to -2 you for thinking Harry Potter books are remotely worth reading at any age over 10.
So, so badly.
But I won't.
But I want to.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, that's funny shit.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:22:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
i went on friday.
all i can say is...hermione. damn. that is going to be one fine looking english babe in a year when she reaches MaryKateandAshley-at-16 hot.
------------------------------------------
I concur. Boy, do I concur.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I can't even go to the mall anymore.
Because teenage chicks LOVE Shlongy.
What the fuck am I gonna talk to them about?
One of my favorite stories from a few years back...I was banging some 20 year old on a temporary basis when we stated talking about music...Somehow, we got on the subject of Paul McCartney - I think "Band on the Run" was playing on the radio and I mentioned something about The Beatles.
The chick then said- "Wait...Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings?"
After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I then proceeded to take he back to my house where she spun around on my cock like a Battling Top while she pinched the shit out of her own nipples.
But I had to break up with her because of the "generation gap"- a good 3 months later, after I saw all of her moves.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:00:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Lookie no touchie! It's ok to touchie yourself though.
----------------------
Funny
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saw it last night - mmm family nights.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i went on friday.
all i can say is...hermione. damn. that is going to be one fine looking english babe in a year when she reaches MaryKateandAshley-at-16 hot.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ARROWED!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Re:16/yr olds
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was never that age.
Ever
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. I'm 23, look 35, and learned looong ago to stay away from the "teenage girl squad" or you may end up on the wrong side of a rifle weilded by the parent carpool that is picking them up from the theater at military circle mall the other week.
Or something like that.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't say I'm often attracted to 16 year old girls.
I tend to like women with hips and breasts, and not many younguns have either of those assets.
Fuck I must be turning into a grumpy old codger!!
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Except I look like I'm in higschool........
I'm leaving this conversation now.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lookie no touchie! It's ok to touchie yourself though.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-11-21 11:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I love the teen girl squad reference......
And as a fellow 24 yr old. I feel your mo-fuggin pain.