Pee Fries: A Tale of Retards and Regrets (1431 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-11-21 13:11:18 EST
monday is the day tinactin posts about being a horrible person
Most of my previous true story posts have reflected poorly upon the people around me. In the interest of intellectual honesty, I have decided to make this post an attack upon my own deeds. This may not be the worst thing I've ever done, but most of the other people deserved what was given to them. We all have our skeletons. Not to mention any names, but some of us hate Blacks and Jews, while some of their boyfriends picked Jacksonville and Washington to go to the Super Bowl. But unlike those people, I have many regrets.
They begin with kissing Ducey. Ducey was my sister's best friend, and she had the wood slivers between her teeth to prove it. They were twelve or thirteen and looking for some hot tongue action. Unfortunately for them, they were retards. And nobody wants to kiss a retard.
So they hit the streets in search of wood, finding it somewhere inside the base of a tree trunk. Woodpecker holes never say no, and the ladies took full advantage of that fact. I was provided countless hours of entertainment watching them attempt to turn cherry trees into a knot.
I kissed her that summer, because twenty bucks is a lot of money for a ten year old.
The uninitiated person might assume that making out with the mentally challenged is a piece of cake, no different than kissing a squid. There is, however, a specific procedure one must adhere to if he wishes to engage in successful lip fusion. First, a beckoning wave of the hand will lure the retard's face forward. Wait for it to stop moving, then flatten your palm against his/her forehead. Be sure to tuck your nails underneath your knuckles to prevent scratching. Your hand will act as a backstop, preventing the face from closing against yours. The next step is to tilt the head back, allowing excess saliva to drip harmlessly down his or her throat, rather than develop into pools that might easily drain down the front of your shirt. The most important thing to remember is: never, ever fall in love.
I didn't, but Ducey did. She began to double the number of appearances she made at my house. My sister dropped a steady stream of hints indicating her interest. I would find many notes strewn across my dresser, folded in that annoying triangular style of young girls. I did my dead level best to ignore all of them, not wanting to hurt her feelings. But over time even my incredibly high levels of tolerance wore thin.
One day my mother caught me making fun of the way Ducey spoke (she often repeated the last word of a given sentence, as in "I am going to the store store").
"You know, Tinactin, you used to have a speech problem yourself."
This was true. I was born with a rather small mouth, accompanied by a large tongue. It took me several years of speech therapy before I could properly pronounce the letter "r".
"One time", my mother continued, "When you were four, your aunt was watching you for the day. Soon enough it was lunchtime, and the choice of meal was deferred to you."
"What would you like for lunch, young Tinactin?"
"Fwuh fwies."
"What? Beef stroganoff? Cheeseburgers? Www.lemonparty.org?"
"Fwuh fwies."
"I can't understand what you're saying."
"Fwuh fwies!"
"I'm just going to order a pizza."
"Dumbass!"
Ducey and my sister loved the story.
"Hahahaha. Fwuh fwies! Fwuh fwies!"
"That wasn't even the punchline, you stupid whore!"
But my gentle guidance proved ineffective against them. They would chant "fwuh fwies" whenever I entered the room. This tendency continued into the school year. Soon enough other children picked up on her pet name for me, and their cruel taunts began to haunt me. Here are a few examples of them:
"You got a swake with those fwies?"
"We're having fwuh fwies for lunch. You're a cannibal."
"You are such a fag."
Ten year old kids are not great at insulting. Nevertheless, my reputation was beginning to take a major hit, and I grew weary of maintaining relations with a retard stalker. I determined that my best recourse would be to go on the offensive.
Remember what I said about regrets? Here is where they really start to roll in. I recruited a friend to create a diversion at lunch, while I stole the small bottle of hair spray she constantly used to keep appearances up. I...well, I took the bottle into the restroom, emptied it, and refilled with my own urine. I replaced the bottle just as she was turning back to face me.
"Hey fwuh fwies! What did one fwuh fwy say to the other fwuh fwy? Ketchup!"
"Oh, I get it. A retard making a retarded joke. How very ironic and post-modern."
"Yep yep. I have another joke too. Want to hear it, it? The punchline is 'the aristocrats'. Aristocrats."
"Some other time. Right now, your hair seems to be a little out of place. Maybe you should check it out."
She immediately ran to the restroom, as I knew she would. When she emerged a few minutes later, the whole of her being reeked of the urea and salt from my bladder.
"Urine flavor country now, bitch," I wanted to say, but I did not think of it until much later. Instead I said, "Oh my god, you smell like pee! You're Pee Fries!"
I led an impromptu chant, and the name stuck. She ran away in a spate of tears, and never troubled me again. I realized I may have gone too far when people were still referring to her as Pee Fries more than a year later. So Pee Fries, if you're listening, I just want to say I'm sorry.
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The most important thing to remember is: never, ever fall in love."
This was the clincher. This is the reason for the +2 right there. I can't believe I missed this!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a terrible person. But I totally wish I was next to you right now so I could Hi-five you.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-24 07:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you whizzed on a tard...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-24 06:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The great thing about the mentally impaired is that their testimonies hold little weight in court.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-22 08:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You indirectly pissed on a retard. You are a legend my friend.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-22 04:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking BartBart has sold out!
There is advertising on Uber man! BartBart is siding with the establishment man!
Oh man, I got the munchies.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-22 03:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What would you like for lunch, young Tinactin?"
"Fwuh fwies."
"What? Beef stroganoff? Cheeseburgers? Www.lemonparty.org?"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-22 00:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh dear god... Pee Fries...
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"You got a swake with those fwies?"
"We're having fwuh fwies for lunch. You're a cannibal."
"You are such a fag."
Ten year old kids are not great at insulting.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are mentally handicapped people and golden showers by proxy.
Where the fuck *are* you Berty?
This sounds like something you'd snap a banjo string to.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, other than some dialogue changes, the story is pretty much true.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your going to hell, ill save you a seat.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:45:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit.
Fairly entertaining bullshit though.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-21 16:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The uninitiated person might assume that making out with the mentally challenged is a piece of cake, no different than kissing a squid."
I had always assumed that, yes.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to mention any names, but some of us hate Blacks and Jews
-----
pretty funny coming from a dirty Mexican...
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You knob goblet!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-21 15:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:43:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to post something about the proper way to bed a quadriplegic, but I can't compete with this.
----------------------
<shakes head>
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shenanigans
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to post something about the proper way to bed a quadriplegic, but I can't compete with this.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything that I say will just pale in comparison to this post, so I am going to just shut up.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story.
Is what you did bad? Yeah sure. But you were 10, it happens.
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet.
midgets can beat up retards.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-21 14:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They're Freedom Fries.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough I reckon
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit.
Fairly entertaining bullshit though.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeebus +2 man, that was great!
You are one sick fucker though.
Submitted by brohman20012000 (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Urine flavor country now, bitch! That would have been great. Isn't hindsight a bitch?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-21 13:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Fwuh fwies....and where the hell did you just go?