when do I officially become a "bad influence"? (1101 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.62 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-11-21 17:46:51 EST
I'm an angry driver.
I don't do anything really dangerous. No tailgating, no cutting people off. I just get more pissed than is probably healthy when other people on the road do these kinds of things to me.
I try not to provoke the anger of the potential murderers that most American drivers seem to have become, so, no screaming, flashing lights, getting next to them and spewing hate with hand gestures and cursing.
I just yell at them from inside of my car, with the windows up. Throwing my hands up and informing myself and my passengers why these folks should be banned from my roads. I guess this is why I tend to explode even more when my wife is in the car with me. I have a captive audience, one who can commiserate with the horrible fate I've been forced to suffer by being on the road with all the cretins. My wife is generally not amused by this.
One of her new tactics in her campaign to make me a kinder gentler human is to remind me that my son is watching me.
She has now taken to referring to my yelling as "daddy's other voice"
I look into the back seat, he's just staring at me. When I catch his eye, he smiles and laughs at me.
"He doesn't care; look he's smiling at me."
"Yeah, he's probably scared that you're going to yell at him next."
Bah, that's bullshit...he just knows I'm awesome. If he was old enough to talk, he'd tell her.
But I sit and mull over it as we continue on to the store, trying not to bitch and moan about something as stupid as incompetent driving. Maybe I should be a little more thoughtful before I pop off. The Boy needs to have good examples set for him.
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As we all walked into Target, I saw the bananas-aren't-on-sale lady. She was talking with some store supervisor types. You could tell they were important because they had the little bull's-eye nametag, but no red vest.
I forget all the thoughts about self improvement. All the promises I made to myself to not let little shit set me off. This is the definition of little shit, but I can't help it...
"There's that bitch."
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My little family had gone shopping one night about two weeks previous. At Target we were going to buy some baby food; the little jars were on sale at four for a buck.
As we check out I engaged in my usual excruciating small talk avoidance methods. One is that I always watch the register as it rings up my commodities. As the teller rang up the baby food, about four of the jars blipped on the little screen at full price. I stopped the cashier and told her of the error. (I know. I'm cheap. Raising a kid is fucking expensive. Shut up.) She said that the bananas weren't on sale.
There are about seventy eight billion kinds of baby food. Why were the bananas excluded from this sale? She didn't have an answer and I didn't REALLY care about the dollar that much, besides the Boy likes bananas.
But she gave me a look. The look that says I'm a fucking lowlife who has to argue over a dollar on some goddamn baby food.
Then she didn't say thank you.
Well fuck you, bitch.
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"What bitch?" my wife sighed.
"Right there. The fucking bananas aren't on sale uglier than a dog's dick bitch."
This fine example of expression using the English language came out of my mouth right as the automatic door opened. She heard the whole thing. And she remembered the bananas too. I saw it in her eyes.
The banana lady turned red, she looked shamed by what I had said. I equated this woman's appearance with that of a dog phallus, and she had to take it because she was standing there with her boss.
I started laughing. The Boy turned around in the cart to look at me in the grip of my own maniacal laughter, turned back to face what was in directly in front of him, Miss Dog Dick, and started laughing too. I'm a good dad.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember enjoying this one.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-22 00:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - I don't think I've read this before.
You can be a bad influence for me any time..
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-21 23:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-08 11:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha dog dick
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how about try to suck your own dick, that cant be too dangerous, and then you can taste the corn from the ass you just fucked
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-01 15:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely~
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-22 05:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to ass-rape Bart unless he takes those fucking shit-stained ads DOWN!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-22 01:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-21 21:21:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to be hating yourself in about 10 years, when your kid is a smartass punk who thinks it's cute to shoot his mouth off.
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For the sake of brevity, and perhaps due to a shortcoming in my skills as a writer, I didn't really put across the manner in which this woman acted to me. She was an obnoxious twat who acted like I was scum trying to put one over on her. She got what she deserved from me.
I've said it on this site before, and I'll say it again here. When I first meet someone I give them the benefit of the doubt and treat them as I would like to be treated. When people treat me well, I reciprocate. When people treat me like dirt, I reciprocate. I don't let people treat me poorly without giving it back tenfold, because otherwise those people win. They will continue to treat other people in the same manner. When they are treated in the same way that they treat others, who knows, maybe they'll think twice before being a shitheel next time.
So, I'll take my chances. But I'll be happy knowing that my kid doesn't let people act like he's a doormat.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-21 21:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to be hating yourself in about 10 years, when your kid is a smartass punk who thinks it's cute to shoot his mouth off.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-21 19:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i enjoy laughing at drivers who display antics like you
it makes them angrier, which makes me even happier
it's a perfect circle
thank you
Submitted by DropItLikeItsDisgusting (user info) at 2005-11-21 19:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome, your son has good timing.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I know that bitch
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, Mr New American. You and your understandable system of measurement.
1.83 meters and about 91 kg.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:51:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
are you small?
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Small minded or physically small?
The answer to the first is, sometimes. Physically, a little over 6' and about 200 lbs. Why?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you not getting embarassed. You kick ass.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-21 18:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Because she heard you
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! You are all that is right in the world. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you small?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-21 17:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I'm not the only one, eh?