French Inhale (1558 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Atheist Embryo (View user info) at 2005-11-23 03:19:29 EST
In the eyes of my mind things are seen obscurely. I've lost count and I really don't know what number she is, but it's one too many.
I am a bastard in this place, dressed in black and luring another helpless whore into this dark alley. It always starts the same way; the same stupid line never fails.
"Excuse me, do you have a light?" I'll ask. I always ask that. It's so cliché.
By the time I've finished the question my head has peered out from around the corner just enough for her to see my face at the poorly lit street corner guarding my alley.
"Of course I do, just let me get it out of my purse."
I watch her soft fingers vanish into her sparkly purse as though she were sliding them into her vagina. I imagine where her hands have been that night, if they still have a scent on them. My palms begin to sweat as her hands search for what she's looking for. She pulls out a dainty lighter and holds it up to me.
We share a smile. The lighter sparks as the gas comes out through the chamber creating a dancing flame. I place my face up to it and intentionally blow air through my nostrils.
"Oops, the flame blew out." I mumble out of the corner of my mouth while holding the cigarette steady.
She giggles and sparks the flame again. This time, instead of leaning in I let her bring the light up to me. I keep a piercing stare into her eyes and wait for it.
"You have such kind eyes." She tells me. They always say that.
"When Irish eyes are smiling." I retort.
"Excuse me?"
"All the world seems bright and gay. And when Irish eyes are smiling, sure, they steal your heart away. You know, like the song."
I don't know what it is about that song but none of them ever seem to get it.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." She tells me.
"Of course you don't, stupid bitch." I think to myself.
I take the lighter from her hand and light my own cigarette. I drop the lighter on the ground and crush it with the heel of my steel-toed boot. I turn around and begin to walk back into my alley. This is where it will all happen or not happen, she can decide in this exact moment.
The heavy breathing begins inside my head and the screams of the other women begin to stir. Images of their faces flash as I try to convince myself that she might be different, but in reality I know she isn't. It happens in exactly six seconds.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6." I whisper to myself.
Here it is.
"Hey asshole, what the fuck is your problem?" She screams down the alley while taking what she doesn't know will be her last steps.
I've got no choice now. She really is just like all the rest. My veins start pumping as I spin and sprint towards her. I see her face turn to complete terror in the half lit street corner at my alley.
The faces of the other women grow clearer as I approach the light and I'm no longer looking at the woman I was just talking to moments ago. I see a collage of faces I once bummed a light from. The pain hits my chest before I even heard the cracking sound echo off the walls of my alley.
Knocked back on my ass in half sit-up motion I give up and just lay down. I hear her cries and wish that I were able to cry.
I lay here and think, "Fuck man, this is it, you're dead."
I hear her heels click along the pavement as she creeps up to me and with one last click I see her standing over me. I blink a few times and some how I have managed to keep the cigarette in my mouth. She sits down next to me on the pavement and takes the cigarette out of my mouth.
Stealing a drag she puts it out on the graffiti wall next to us. I want to say sorry but I lack the courage or the ability. She lays her soft head on my chest and I can smell her hair. Choking on my own blood it was the first night I'd slept in years. The last breath I stole was wrapped with her sweet scent. I just wanted one sniff really.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-02-12 11:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. Solid, solid good.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-12 11:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fer Chrissakes, people, the ending needs NOTHING!!
It was awesome.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-24 12:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-23 06:26:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN ERIC RICE
---------------------
I'm pretty sure the character was after women, not little boys. Nice story, though. I think I got it all... but yeah, the ending might use a little work.
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-24 12:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-24 12:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This probably warranted a +1 but I couldn't think of adequate criticism.
I like your style-it just needs polishing.
More show, less tell.
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-23 17:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it came across pretty good for a short story. The getting killed part was
not really developed at all though.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:06:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:15:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-23 08:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
?!
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:15:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-23 08:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
?!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Twisty!!!
Submitted by Embryo (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks everyone. I've never really written fictional stories before so this is all new to me. But even though it's a bunch of text from strangers, I appreciate the support.
Submitted by b0bbieb0b (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet. I can smell her hair as my life drains away.
Girls who blow away pervs. Always +2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sad. but good.
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy and ambigious but thats what i like about it.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah it was good. And I like obscure stuff that makes you think, but the end was pretty ambiguous.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the criminal justice system..... DUN DUN
this reminded me of a law and order svu psycho.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-23 08:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
?!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
superfreindz or thrush hermit, i don't remember
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-23 09:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are Aqualung.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-23 08:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
?!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-11-23 08:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
was liking this until the end, which left me a bit confused. it was supposed to be muddled?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-23 07:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go on, marry me. We'd have okay looking children.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-23 07:01:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-23 06:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You write some pretty dark and troubling stuff, but it's fucking good.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-23 06:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN ERIC RICE
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-23 06:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-23 05:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm +2 ing this because i like your style of writing and subject choices.
Perfect for a short stories, but, i think this needs tidying up -
What i'm thinking is that you could have done more with less.
dont get me wrong, its good in the same way your first post was,
but no where as slick as unhinged. You've set yourself a benchmark with that.
And a pretty high one at that.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-23 05:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-23 04:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was amazing. I'm gonna check you stuff out.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-23 04:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Ok, off to read your other stuff.