My First Experience Kissing a Hispanic Chick (1897 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: memories
Rating: 1.48 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-11-23 11:52:21 EST
I've been in a reflective mood of late, so here's another one from the memory banks.
I have never been what you might call an "extrovert." Some might call my type "introverted," "shy," "quiet," "speak up mothafucka" and such. Over the years I realized that I am really just a slacker. I would paste the link to my Punnet Square here, but I'm pretty sure people are sick of it by now.
The point is, my slackerdom has played a large part in my dating/love life over the years, including my first kiss. I'm not sure what the norm is nowadays, or what it was for others, but I'm pretty sure I got a later start than most at the ripe old age of 15. I mean, I had gone through a whole year of high school. Most of the kids my age back then had tattoos, STD's and a couple of kids. I jest, of course.
Most of my peers only had one child.
Anyways, in my early teens I was content comparing specs of the SNES versus the Genesis, or drawing, or playing basketball (there's always time for basketball in the lower middle class suburbs). Or doing anything but going to pre-teen house parties with the hopes of getting to first or even--GASP!--second base! Hindsight teaches me there really wasn't much second base back then anyways. But I've been digressing, eh?
I remember that hispanic chick clearly--we'll call her "Lilly." She was six months younger than myself. Her family was close with my uncle's family, so they were, in turn, close with us. Thus, I had known her since I was about 4. So, just to put this all in to perspective, I had always viewed her as a sort of cousin. Kind of like a 2nd cousin.
Until puberty rammed its eternal cock into her...hard.
When she was 13, I noticed my feelings for her were kind of shifting, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. By the time she turned 14 and sported an easy double-D, I realized I wanted to put more than just a finger on it. But I was still a slacker about it. I didn't go out of my way to impress her or try to hang out with her outside of family get-togethers or any of that stuff. Whenever she was close, we would talk. When she wasn't, I was occupied with my video games, except now I had her boobies on the back of my mind.
So here we are, in the middle of the summer of 1997 with myself at 15. Lilly was a few weeks away from 15 herself. We were both in my bedroom playing on my computer. By "playing," I mean I was showing her how that newfangled "internet" works. The rest of the families were out in the backyard taking in the smell of barbecued everything. I'm feeling all high and mighty because I know what "URL" stands for when she suddenly she asks:
"So have you ever kissed a girl?"
My heart stopped--listening to Cio-cio....I mean, my heart froze. If this had been any other girl at the time, I would have shrugged it off with a no or lied depending on if she was hot. But with Lilly asking the question, I blushed like a cliché Uber simile. And I mumbled and did that sort of nervous shuffle where it looks like you want to repeatedly touch your chin to your shoulder. You know, like someone with Parkinson's.
"Well, I-uh, well I mean...uhh huh huh...daarrrrr....ahh, ya know..."
"So let me be your first kiss."
I looked in her dark brown eyes, then quickly glanced down at her ample cleavage, then back in her eyes. She smiled, closed her eyes and approached me. As excited as I was about this moment that was about to occur, I couldn't help feeling like this was an animé fight scene and her head was coming at me fast while the background moved in a psychadelic blur. I think weird things in intimate moments.
Finally, her open mouth connected with mine and she started making me perform fellatio on her tongue. I mean, at the time I thought it was awesome because it was the first time and also because I was busy groping her breasts. In any case, I had no choice but to ram my tongue right back at her. After a few minutes, we both detached for air. I smiled. She smiled back.
After a few days of this activity, she asked me to be her "hombre" at her (God let me spell this right) quinceñera, which is the hispanic equivalent to a girl's Sweet 16. Except spiccy girls have it at 15, because that is when us hispanic folk feel our women come of age. I don't know how extravagantly girls do their sweet 16's, but in Lilly's case, her family went all out. It was essentially a mock-wedding. When everyone was seated in the hall they rented out, a 4-year-old couple walked in the aisle between both sides of tables, followed by progressively older couples until Lilly and I, her "hombre," walked in. After that it was standard sweet 16/bat mitzvah stuff: band plays, people dance, everyone praises the girl, people get drunk, etc.
After the quinceñera, I noticed something was different about Lilly. Namely, she was not around. For a few days, I shrugged it off to her wanting to recover from her screwdriver hangover. But then I started worrying a bit. I thought my dashing performance as "hombre" would earn me my first intercourse, but her absence was proving me otherwise. After a week, I called her house, but she wasn't around. I thought about actually going over to her house, but I had to respect my slacker roots. So I just sat around the house for 2 more weeks like a freshly-neutered dog.
I started doing the math and I realized I had been used for my looks. No, I'm not a narcissist, I just look like a good ol' 6-foot-2-inch American (READ: white) boy. There weren't many hispanics in my town that looked like me or that stood more than 5'8". I was used. Well, I only suspected I was used until my dad came home to find me staring into space with the TV on. He patted me on the back and I knew. I fucking knew.
For some icing to this nice tale, I found her walking across the street one day. She was trying to pretend not to notice me, but I called her out. She had nothing to say but one word: "Sorry." I remember her saying it in that I-don't-know-what-else-to-say tone. Fucking bitch, I thought at the time.
Luckily, our families began losing contact around that time, so I didn't have to see her very often, except at school, where she forgot we knew each other. I used to feel spiteful, but at the same time, I had an inkling of a belief in Karma. I heard from my cousin--Lilly's friend--that she planned to go to San Francisco for college and that she planned on being a vet.
That was what she planned. What she didn't plan on was getting knocked up by some ghetto-ass dude. And then getting knocked up by a different ghetto-ass dude. Now, I'm not one to say that it's impossible to achieve your dreams when you become a two-time mom before 20...but where I'm from, hispanic girls like that are a dime a dozen and all the same.
I owe Karma a nice expensive bottle of liquor for that one.
I envisioned the ending to this post as being a bit more lighthearted......so how about a camwhore to celebrate me working from home today?
User Reviews
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-08 19:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
spic-a-licious!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-03 09:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make my youth seem boring.
Actually my youth was boring.
-Dave
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-11-27 01:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're cute.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-11-25 00:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Spiccy Girls"
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-24 11:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:30:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Jets suck, Knicks suck, Yankees suck"
and in case you don't get it
"Krypton sucks"
--------------------------------------------
Ohh, I get it alright. And I'm proud to say I'm a leafer.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-24 05:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the first time I kissed a hispanic chick I made sure I was balls deep before going to the tongue action.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-24 05:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A funny post from a handsome young man, here's the thing though: You got off with a girl who was basically family in all but blood. That's abnormal sonny, not against God or anything but certainly not regular.
Now if you where a minger then that would be understandable but you're not. You've got no excuse. You're a degenerate freak.
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Jets suck, Knicks suck, Yankees suck"
and in case you don't get it
"Krypton sucks"
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:51:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were a gay guy, I'd let you throw it in my ass.
That's a compliment, by the way
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hahahaha
This is why we love you
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee: It's all good, I totally understand the confusion. As long as I have a bigger audience now than I used to in my Chinaman days, I might as well explain the discrepancy.
As for the moniker, it's my AIM screen name that I created when I first got AOL many moons ago. It's based on Ryu from Street Fighter. I added on the "Fu" at the end because I thought it sounded cool.
I believe that's the last bit of personal trivia I'll be giving out for a while, before I get the urge to post my Mastercard number. 3453 3455 9654 2341....
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-23 18:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teenage boys have feelings? I thought they were all one giant walking hormone....
+2 for making me feel bad for you.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-23 18:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you got a feel
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-23 18:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you didn't take offense at my question. I was just thrown off by your name, I guess - I thought you were Chinese, then you said something about being Latino or something, so I was just wondering. You're cute, zit and all.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2005-11-23 18:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy fuck, man, would you look at that MOTHERFUCKING UGLY ZIT!?!?!?!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2005-11-23 17:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the only thing i see you being used for is that creepy voyeur guy in porn movies, IF you grow the mustache a little.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:51:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were a gay guy, I'd let you throw it in my ass.
That's a compliment, by the way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Uhhh.....thanks. That vision will remain etched in my brain forever.
I'm surprised nobody's made mention of that little herpe-zit on my bottom lip.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were a gay guy, I'd let you throw it in my ass.
That's a compliment, by the way.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee: My parents are Chilean. I was born here.
Unlike the "brown" Mexicans, Dominicans and/or Puerto Ricans, a large percentage of of Chileans are of direct European descent and didn't have slaves to mix with, so the end up looking like myself.
Although when I don't shave for a few days, I've been told I look like a dirty mexican. :::shrugs:::
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-23 15:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 jets suck
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So are you like Mexican or Chinese or WHAT? I've seen your picture and I still can't figure it out.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:20:14 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm sorry, but your little one line jokes seemed way too contrived:
"Most of my peers only had one child. "
"Until puberty rammed its eternal cock into her...hard. "
Maybe it was just the fact that you took a whole new line break for them. Or that they're too Sideburns-esque. I can only take so much of that type of humor. The rest wasn't too poorly written, but the camwhore was the crowning ghey point.
How many pictures of yourself did you have to take before you got the perfect little tilt to you head and wide-eyed stare? Seriously, I felt like pulling on some tight leather pants and a loose linen shirt and running to the nearest gay dance club to enter a Ricky Martin dance/look-a-like competition due to the gayness factor of your picture. Even the NFL jersey couldn't save you. Sack up.
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Agreed. But still a "worth reading" post...so here is your zero.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-23 14:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining - i wish my younger years were this amusing
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: You know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time I kissed a hispanic chic she tore up my poor back and ass with her taco claws.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:12:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge: No worries, I don't intend on making this a series. Today's post was just a prologue of sorts to yesterday's.
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Fuck, I don't care if you write ten more of them. They both made for good reading, I just wanted to mess with you a little bit.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge: No worries, I don't intend on making this a series. Today's post was just a prologue of sorts to yesterday's.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My First Experience Kissing a Hispanic Chick
My Experience Dating A Black Chick
My Experience Anally Penetrating a Cambodian Housewife
My Experience Teabagging an Eskimo
My First Experience with Ghey Internet Man Love
My Experience Humping a Retarded Albino Midget Named Skippy
I think I'm seeing the theme...reads well though. Good stuff.
You ugly fucker.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-23 13:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by windowsrcold (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-2 for not getting any after all that shit. +3 for Karma kicking in and at least getting to wrestle with the DD's for a while.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I thought it was a good story
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't fret it. I call EVERYONE "Shaky"...It's like a term of endearment for slimeballs and weirdos.
Hence, a lot of my pals are called "Shaky", or sometimes, "Shakey".
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:15:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
The dude in THAT picture didn't get any Latino beave.
I won't minus your shaky-looking ass because you write some good stuff. So you're lucky...this time.
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BWWAAHAHHAAAAHA....I love you shlongy. I don't think I've ever been called "shaky-looking" before. I'll admit I embellish some details for the sake of storytelling, but the story itself is sadly true.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns uber alles.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm sorry, but your little one line jokes seemed way too contrived:
"Most of my peers only had one child. "
"Until puberty rammed its eternal cock into her...hard. "
Maybe it was just the fact that you took a whole new line break for them. Or that they're too Sideburns-esque. I can only take so much of that type of humor. The rest wasn't too poorly written, but the camwhore was the crowning ghey point.
How many pictures of yourself did you have to take before you got the perfect little tilt to you head and wide-eyed stare? Seriously, I felt like pulling on some tight leather pants and a loose linen shirt and running to the nearest gay dance club to enter a Ricky Martin dance/look-a-like competition due to the gayness factor of your picture. Even the NFL jersey couldn't save you. Sack up.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The dude in THAT picture didn't get any Latino beave.
I won't minus your shaky-looking ass because you write some good stuff. So you're lucky...this time.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn hispanic chicks. Have a sympathy plus 2 for the story, and for the fact that you look just like an old work colleague of mine.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rough one buddy. My toast to you: May the next pair of Double D's you see be in your hands.