I Saw Auntie Fucking Santa Claus-- Underneath The Christmas Tree Last Night (13445 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-11-23 20:46:45 EST
Are you ready for a holiday tale that will warm your heart? A story that will make you say 'awww' and put you in the giving spirit? Well then, watch a Charlie Brown Christmas special, you fag.
With Christmas approaching, it's time for us to reminisce about the past holidays we've had. I'm going to tell you a story of one Christmas in particular that I had to share with my not-so-normal relatives.
Why didn't I spend Christmas with my immediate family? Well, I was 6 at the time. I really didn't have any choice. It was considered "in my best interest".
It all started that November when my sister was finally old enough to talk and was getting the attention of my mother (My parents were divorced, we lived with her). I was 6, so jealously was rampant within my body. I did everything possible to get the attention shifted my way, to no avail. From this point forward, my mother went from not paying me attention to just plain hating me. I swear to this day that she would dump water on my bed while I was sleeping just so she could whip me in the morning for peeing in the bed.
The only satisfaction I got out of the beating was when she was telling me that it hurts her more than it hurts me, she wasn't lying. She always had to ice her hand after whipping me.
Did I mention she was a sloppy drunk?
"Mommy? Who do you love more?", I'd ask.
"Your sister, sweetie.", she'd respond in a drunken, slurred voice.
"What?"
"Well, it's not that I don't love you. It's just that-- I like you as a friend."
This is devastating coming from your mother, especially when you're 6. But nothing a bowl of icecream couldn't fix. Oooooohhhh, icecream, how sweet it is to be loved by you.
Around Thanksgiving, I accompanied my mom to the gas station. By 'accompany', I basically mean I was dragged there kicking and screaming. I stood there sobbing as my mom dug through her purse to pay for the gas she just pumped.
"Aw damn, I don't have my wallet with me. I'll be right back with the money."
As she turned to walk out, the attendant told her that she needed some sort of caladeral, something of value, just in case she didn't come back. "... you know..", the attendant continued, ".. something like your license, purse, or something."
Without hesitating, my mom turned to the door and headed out.
"I'll be back for my son".
She never came back.
For the next month and a half, I had to stay with my aunt while my mom tried to prove to the courts that she was a fit enough mother to care for me. She didn't do much to try to prove otherwise, showing up to the hearings half-drunk in her oversized Wal Mart purchased Tweety Bird shirt and sweats. Apparently, asking "When is this damned thing gonna be over?" doesn't impress the judge too much.
So, there I was, living with my aunt for a while. Aunt Tammie was her name. She is my mother's sister and is also a drunk. GASP! Just recently, she rode off to Vegas on the back of a moped with her new boyfriend with plans to get married. She hasn't been heard from since.
When you're 6, your attention span isn't long at all. Tammie's kids, my cousins, were all teenagers and didn't have any toys that would interest me. I actually remember enjoying taking a shit just so I could read the shampoo bottle. That's how boring this place was.
With Christmas approaching, Tammie tried to make things exciting for me. Unfortunately, watching her smoke weed with her sons while playing the original Mario Brothers wasn't amusing at the time. The fucking morons couldn't even get past the first man eating plant.
I awoke one morning to find a Christmas tree of sorts in the corner of the living room. Turns out, Tammie went out the previous night, cut down a tree-- well, a bush, but who's judging? So, she chopped down one of her bushes and propped it up in the living room. She didn't have any ornaments or tree lights, so she gave us make-due ornaments.
Her earrings.
She seemed just as surprised as we were when we found the Christmas bush. She didn't remember cutting it down.
If I was a betting man, I'd blame the alcohol and probably win.
As the big day approached, I became more and more anxious. As per conversations with my mom, Tammie discovered that I wanted Hungry Hungry Hippos for Christmas. I knew this because she talks loud on the phone.
Tammie's drinking buddy and boyfriend took me out on several occasions to view Christmas lights. We'd usually catch one house, then end up at one of his friends houses. I'd sit on the floor along with the cigarette ashes and beer bottles as the two drank and sang along to "Take A Load Off Annie".
Christmas eve finally arrived and I got to bed extra early. Earlier that evening, Tammie's boyfriend showed up and started hanging out while in full Santa costume.
"Damnit Tommy, I told you that you weren't supposed to let the kid see you dressed like that!"
I was 'the kid'. I don't even think she knew my name. Every time she sees me to this day, she calls me Joshua, Jason, Jon, Jack-- everything but my name.
As I started waking up in the middle of the night, there arose such a clatter. Well, more like ass-skin slapping against hips, but you get the point.
There was some screaming coming from the living room. It was the voices of Tammie and Tommy. Either they were having sex or agreeing with eachother very loudly.
I peeked around the corner to see what was going on. I didn't know much about sex at the time, so I was still struggling with what sex sounded like. I could never figure it out with my parents. I couldn't decipher between sex and arguing with those two. With my dad's loose use of the term 'YOU DIRTY BITCH!', it was always both.
Surprise surprise. Aunt Tammie was bent forward and Santa was plowing away like it was his last day on the job. His jingle bells were rocking with each pelvic thrust into my aunt's fat ass.
I know, I know. Quite descriptive for catching a family member fuck, eh? Keep in mind I was six.
"Oh yeah... baby... I'm gonna fuck you. You're a good woman.. Ohhh yesss. I like you. I like you like I like my coffee!"
Apparently he drinks ugly coffee.
After almost vomiting from the smell, I noticed that they were fucking right over the presents. There right below the two fucking sea-mammoths was my Hungry Hungry Hippos game unwrapped.
"Ohhhh, I'm gonna come!''
Come? I thought he was already here.
With that said, he yanked out and started skeeting all over my Hungry Hungry Hippos game. I didn't know what was coming out of him, but I was sure that I didn't want to put my hands on it in the morning.
I never touched the game. It was tossed in the car when my mom came to pick me up. It ended up being given to one of my cousins after my mom figured out that I was never going to take the plastic wrapping off of the game. To this day, I've never owned a Hungry Hungry Hippos game. The damn game eludes me.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and a great Christmas.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2006-01-07 06:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-07 05:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey!
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2006-01-07 05:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man i love your stories
1 thing: COLLATERAL
senor spell has spoken
Submitted by lowrysm (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The song is called Weight and it's by The Band.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not till you're 15.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds very similar to my own Christmas Memories.
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2005-11-24 21:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for correct usage of the word "Loose"
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-24 18:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never liked holidays either.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-24 17:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing like a jizz-tainted kids game to really make Christmas special.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-24 09:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining post. Glad to see you around these parts again.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-11-24 08:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
awesome
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-24 08:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-24 08:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck man, that's twisted!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-11-24 07:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what happened to that woman who got fired when you put empty beer cans in her bin?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-11-24 07:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad you are back Sideburns.
yay.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-24 07:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well written - hope to christ it's fiction
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-24 06:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-"Mommy? Who do you love more?", I'd ask.
"Your sister, sweetie.", she'd respond in a drunken, slurred voice.
"What?"
"Well, it's not that I don't love you. It's just that-- I like you as a friend."
---------------
-Without hesitating, my mom turned to the door and headed out.
"I'll be back for my son".
She never came back
---------------
Those lines where pure gold , if it'S true , i'm sorry for ya.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-24 06:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just a kindred spirit rad. there are more than you might have thought, and our numbers are growing every day...
"i like you as a friend" was a good line
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63516
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG TOMMY = SHANDYTHEDOG
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so that's what skeeting is.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-24 02:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
evidently, the hippo's weren't so hungry anymore...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Time for a new formula. This was so glaringly obvious, I couldn't even smile.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. As usual.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas motherfucker. That was great.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.howstrange.com/gallery/hungry_hippos.jpg
http://kathmanbasilisk.tripod.com//sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/storyarafathippo.jpg
http://uncyclopedia.org/images/thumb/1/10/200px-Hippos.jpg
more.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...........
this one's funnier and has more 50% more erection..
http://kimberlychapman.com/lapaglia/hippos.jpg
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me smile. And want to fuck my aunt dressed up like Santa.
Oh here's for the memories..............
http://www.bggfiles.com/bggimages/pic59170_t.jpg
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post btw.
If you're ever curious as to the point of Hungry Hungry Hippos, you have an excellent memory to reference. The point in each act is essentially the same. Hit it as hard and fast as you possibly can until all the white stuff goes in the hole, or something breaks.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<ejaculates>
Submitted by Unbound (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NASTY!
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality as usual, Mr. Burns.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Either they were having sex or agreeing with eachother very loudly.
**************
hahaha!
I had Hungry Hippos. Sad funny story.
Submitted by LilBastard (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give you credit for living life without having surpressed this memory into oblivion.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucked up...
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, glad your posting again man.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite fucked. I like it.