Like being found dead with your dick in a vacuum cleaner. (4399 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-23 20:51:26 EST
I've seen a couple of coroner's reports in my time and it is refreshing to know that some coroners have a sense of humour. I was talking to a guy that worked in a coroners office some time ago and he told some pretty funny stories about causes of death and some pretty comical death scenes. When it occurred to me that your death is the last thing you will ever do, with this in mind I want my death to be spectacular not some ho hum mundane thing that has been done before.
One story that I remember from this conversation is of them finding a guy who had suffered a heart attack; he was seated on his lounge chair with his dick in a vacuum cleaner.
How did they explain that to his family?
How did the coroner keep a straight face when he asked the family if they had noticed any weird behaviour from him around the family Hoover? I can see his wife saying "well that explains his erections every time I vacuumed the carpets"
Another one he explained was a woman who had electrocuted herself in a bath while stimulating herself with an electric toothbrush. I think that's pretty embarrassing, being found dead with a toothbrush protruding from your vagina.
There was another story about a woman who had a swing in her bedroom and a large rubber dildo mounted on the wall (use your imagination) she was found naked on the floor with a broken neck.
So I started thinking about embarrassing scenarios surrounding a death and came up with a few that I think would be funny.
Choking on cock: Honestly officer she was giving me head, I didn't realise she had a cold and her nose was blocked but I was enjoying it so much I held her head with my hands and didn't realise there was a problem until she went limp. I just thought she was an enthusiastic cocksucker jumping around like that and making all those noises.
Severed Penis: Hey I'm sure there are many ways you could accidentally sever a penis like using a sausage mincer while naked or seeing if your dick would fit in the disposal unit in the kitchen sink (I bet some people are stupid enough to try it), you could unknowingly marry a woman that idolises Lorena Bobbit. I think it would be terrible to be buried in a coffin with your dick laying beside your head on a pillow.
Attacked by wild animals while taking pictures of them: Lets face it, if you are stupid enough to get that close to a dangerous animal without a gun you deserve to have chunks bitten out of your silly arse. Although a picture of your corpse would make a good Nike slogan.
Caption: If only this man had bought a pair of Nike.
Bleeding to death after shaving your genitals: I have always said there are two things you should never put close to your genitals. Sharp implements and wild animals. Not only would you be buried with a half shaved pubic region but also your death certificate would read, "Death by excessive bleeding from self inflicted wound to testicles"
Terminal Diarrhoea: It would be bad enough to be found dead on the shitter but even worse when your coroners report read "Death by Excessive defecation caused by gastrointestinal distress"
Heart attack while having sex: This would just be a downer for the partner wouldn't it? Or would they just think "damn I must be good in the sack to make someone go into coronary arrest" Its deaths like these that make me wish headstones showed manner of death as this would read "died while fucking"
Electrocution by vibrator: I think the probable death scene is enough for the imagination without having to go into explicit detail don't you?
Failed parachute while naked skydiving: This would just be plain embarrassing wouldn't it. Imagine a reporter interviewing a witness. "Witness: "I saw something flapping in the breeze as he fell toward the earth, I thought it must be his rip cord until I realised he was naked"
Raped to death by a Gorilla: What? It could happen. Imagine if you were at the zoo and accidentally fell into an enclosure with a horny Gorilla in it. The tabloid headlines wouldn't be flattering "Clumsy man sodomized by sex crazed Gorilla"
Peeing on high voltage cables: True story I read a few years ago. A woman at a fun park couldn't wait for a stall to become vacant so went behind the toilet block and not wanting to make a puddle, she peed through a hole in a man hole cover directly onto high voltage cables.
We are all going to die, its part of living. Unfortunately most of us will die of some organ failure caused by cancer or some other horrible disease but lets all hope we go out with some dignity and not be found in some embarrassing situation like tripping in the bathroom and hitting your head while giving yourself an enema, god knows if you get found naked on the bathroom floor with a plastic tube sticking out of your butt it, wont stay a secret.
User Reviews
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-20 05:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Heart attack while having sex: This would just be a downer for the partner wouldn't it? Or would they just think "damn I must be good in the sack to make someone go into coronary arrest" Its deaths like these that make me wish headstones showed manner of death as this would read "died while fucking" "
i wonder if the survivor would finish up real quick before calling the medics...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 19:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just want to die quick, painless, and before i'm crippled, senile, or incontinent. i hope i have grandchildren kind enough to wheel me off a cliff if any of that comes about.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-29 19:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We are all going to die, its part of living. Unfortunately most of us will die of some organ failure caused by cancer or some other horrible disease but lets all hope we go out with some dignity and not be found in some embarrassing situation like tripping in the bathroom and hitting your head while giving yourself an enema, god knows if you get found naked on the bathroom floor with a plastic tube sticking out of your butt it, wont stay a secret.
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I think that's great advice for the children. Our future.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:57:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die the same way I lived... with an overturned bucket of KFC on my head and my hand buried so deep inside of a hooker's ass that it's coming out of her mouth, so that I could have used her as a hand puppet.
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HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-25 15:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a cat called 'shitdink bloodfart'.
Submitted by jinman (user info) at 2005-11-25 00:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, and inspirational.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-24 20:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-24 10:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if the woman planned on using the toothbrush again. I mean, c'mon, a vibrator would've set her back like $14.99.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-11-24 09:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Post did not live up to the expectation set by the title
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-24 09:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not to your usual standard.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-24 08:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm with Barny on this one. It was a bit weak.
I'm also a little offended. A friend of a friend of a friend nearly got raped by a gorilla. The same person then had her fiance die whilst he was inside her.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Found him: Albert Dekker
http://www.findadeath.com/Deceased/d/dekker/albert_dekker.htm
Try explain that to the family
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read a story about a girl giving her boyfriend head in the sea, he was enjoying it so much that he held her under and drowned her...ick
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was some guy, I think he starred in some 50's b movie sci-fi's, I forget his name. Apparently he had the most bizarre death... he was found dead in his bath tub hooked up to some home-made contraption that suffocated him or something... anyone remember who I'm talking about?
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-24 04:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon you bear slugging, down under, wallabe wrestling, corked-hat wearing bastard! Send me an email ya big galoot! fabit85.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not up to your usual standard.
I thought I was having a heart attack whilst wanking yesterday, it transpired I was just having a stroke.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-24 03:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
You men can get erections when you die.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78071
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-24 02:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
www.darwinawards.com
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2005-11-24 02:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Raped to death by a Gorilla: What? It could happen. Imagine if you were at the zoo and accidentally fell into an enclosure with a horny Gorilla in it. The tabloid headlines wouldn't be flattering "Clumsy man sodomized by sex crazed Gorilla" "
This just validated my horribly boring English class because it reminded me of something we read in Candide.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-24 00:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, I'm sorry I fucked with your rating.
Please go and punish any post I have as revenge if you'd like.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
You men can get erections when you die.
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What a waste of engorgement.
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean, +2. dammit.
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-11-23 23:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Choking on cock: Honestly officer she was giving me head, I didn't realise she had a cold and her nose was blocked but I was enjoying it so much I held her head with my hands and didn't realise there was a problem until she went limp. I just thought she was an enthusiastic cocksucker jumping around like that and making all those noises."
true story: a drunk couple went to the beach at night and started swimming, and one thing led to another, and the lady, or drunk whore, or whatever, started giving the guy a blowjob underwater, and anyway she died. she died. i think it won a darwin or something.
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
but for some reason I read
"Raped to death by a Gorilla"
as
"Raped to death by godzilla"
I'm sure the latter would be a little more unpleasant
---------------------------------
Fuck, I read the same thing for a half a second.
Unpleasant? Maybe. Erotic? Seriously
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:07:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be an old man in a wheel chair, and with my last ounce of strenth, wheel off a huge ramp on top of a huge cliff during a thunderstorm, dressed in metal so I could get hit by lightning mid-flight. I would like to land on an over-sized trampoline and have my limp metallic body bounce around and then be promptly buried in my grave full of jelly.
**********************
I could get behind that.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, speaking of being raped by gorillas...Andy Serkis, the actor who 'played' Gollum in LOTR is doing a similar performace as King Kong in Peter Jackson's upcoming film, er, Kong.
To do this, he lived with some gorillas in a zoo enclosure. Turns out he got so good at being a gorilla, the head male silverback decided Andy should mate with the two most choice females.
Andy was soon pulled out of the gorilla cage. He noted that the apes were getting "punchy" and said that "the females were beginning to get frustrated with my lack of compliance."
He had a few bruises to show for it, but at least he didn't come out reeking of gorilla love. Though now the Dr. Moreau wheels are turning...what would happen if a human man made it with she-gorilla? Would the offspring be monkey, or man?
Or Fat Tony?
Ahhh, couldn't resist, Tony. Please don't have me killed.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just want to die quick, preferably painlessly and before i become crippled, incontinent, or demented. i'm hoping that one of my grandchildren will do the kindly thing and roll me off a cliff if any of that happens.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Another one he explained was a woman who had electrocuted herself in a bath while stimulating herself with an electric toothbrush."
That's got to be one of the stupidest ways to die, ever.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be an old man in a wheel chair, and with my last ounce of strenth, wheel off a huge ramp on top of a huge cliff during a thunderstorm, dressed in metal so I could get hit by lightning mid-flight. I would like to land on an over-sized trampoline and have my limp metallic body bounce around and then be promptly buried in my grave full of jelly.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-23 22:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die by being sucked out of a space suit into space. That would be badass.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:57:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die the same way I lived... with an overturned bucket of KFC on my head and my hand buried so deep inside of a hooker's ass that it's coming out of her mouth, so that I could have used her as a hand puppet.
bwhaaaaaaaaaa
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be thrown into a pit with a hundred rabid stoats, and have someone videotape them skeletonizing me, then post the video on Ubersite.
Submitted by Unbound (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You men can get erections when you die.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
but for some reason I read
"Raped to death by a Gorilla"
as
"Raped to death by godzilla"
I'm sure the latter would be a little more unpleasant
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me want to chop my penis off and brush my teeth while fucking myself with a wall dildo.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:03:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to go like my grandfather did.
Peacefully, and in his sleep.
Not like the 4 screaming passengers in his car.
***********
hahaha!
Submitted by Akira (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How does an electric toothbrush electrocute someone to death? Is it really that powerful?
-Williamson
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die covered in something.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-11-23 21:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to go like my grandfather did.
Peacefully, and in his sleep.
Not like the 4 screaming passengers in his car.
Old joke, I know. Had to be done.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die the same way I lived... with an overturned bucket of KFC on my head and my hand buried so deep inside of a hooker's ass that it's coming out of her mouth, so that I could have used her as a hand puppet.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-23 20:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the usual high quality here.